Vanderpump Rules Recap: Iyanla, Fix Kristen’s Life.

kristen doute refuses to move on from tom sandoval

When most people go on vacation they leave the crazy at home, but not Scheana Marie. She wanted to have a memorable bachelorette party in Miami  and she got one because last night on Vanderpump Rules the crazy went off the rails. 

Sometimes when I write these recaps I wish I had more time to ponder the happenings. I get myopic vision and tunnel in on certain ideas, then I read or see something else and it’s like: aha! How did I miss that? But alas, the world of blogging moves swiftly and there is no time for deep consideration about reality TV. 


However, last night’s episodes is not one of those times, because full stop: Kristen Doute is CA-RAY-ZEE. Nurse Ratchet (Rachet being the operative word) needs to swoop in and haul her right on into the cuckoo’s nest. In Miami, Kristen made it her job to passive-aggressively attempt Jedi mindf–king Ariana Madix. 

Kristen crazy-eye tracks Ariana around the room like a panther hunting a zebra, except a panther who would have long fallen off the evolutionary chain for sitting out in open safari instead of hiding in the bushes. Like hey – I’m right here! And I wanna kill you!!! I’m just gonna attack you! And destroy your life! Maybe rip your leg off – hey you, prey, I’m over here!! Hiya! Just chilling with my whiskey sour and being a sourpuss while I plot how to kill you. 

Exactly how many times did Kristen mutter that she hoped Ariana would get hit by a bus or a car or a train? Cause that is not at all scary. 

ariana madix needs to drink heavily to survive kristen

After a night of wild partying, during which Vail Bloom attempts to get a drunken Jax Taylor to confess all his secrets, I decide that Vail is rather deliciously cosplaying an idiotic SUR employee. I love her. Kristen is pounding a beer first thing in the AM while whining to James, that little floppy trollop of a Beamer Driving wastrel she is “dating” (“dating” – using James as a ruse while she long-cons Tom 1 to make him so mentally unstable he will return to her), while complaining bitterly about Ariana.

James: I hope you watch this footage and immediately spontaneously combust from shame. Who is more crazy: Kristen, because the obvious, or James, because he spends 85% of his relationship hearing her whine, plot, and cry about Tom 1 and Ariana, and the other 15% defending his relationship or getting drunk and having sex which he refers to as “being crazy about each other.” James, You are not a Beyoncé song, you are not crazy in love. You are in love with crazy, who is crazy in all instances but especially crazy in love with someone else. Unlike Beyoncé, your crazy is not the jubilant euphoria finding the one, but crazy as in, back away slowly until you are able to run, then do so – far – because Kristen is going to end up the subject of a Lifetime movie one day. Hell, I’ll write the script (Call me!). 

kristen doute helps scheana marie make a toilet paper wedding dress while talking crap about ariana

In Scheana’s suite the penis straws are literally multiplying in a petri dish of bodily fluids, booze slime, and glitter. Everyone is making wedding dresses out of TP. Kristen shows up, late, and smelling like she’s been Jax’d. She announces she spent the afternoon having sex and doing tequila shots. Basically a typical afternoon for our Kritter. Kristen hovers near Scheana talking ish about Ariana. SCHEANA, it should be noted, said not one word in Ariana’s defense because Scheana is a bad friend. Maybe worse than Stassi Schroeder

Yes, she returned this episode. Back in LA Stassi is making it a full-time job to ignore Katie Maloney‘s texts while sitting in her sweltering apartment complaining about it being hot, intermingled with complaining about Katie and Scheana. Apparently Stassi isn’t able to leave said apartment because she’s agoraphobic now? 

Stassi finally manages to pull on a schmatta and roll into SUR. Stassi is a broken record –  she complains constantly about SUR, is elevated beyond SUR – yet she hovers on the periphery of SUR constantly. She’s the Sur Troll. Or maybe she’s trolling SUR? Like I said, Dazed & Confused.

Stassi brags to Lisa Vanderpump about all the ways she stole alcohol and got away with drinking, such as hiding mini wine bottles in the bathroom. Lisa is concerned that theft and alcoholism are the pinnacles of Stassi’s success. But SUR was her glory years; she was the life-force: hot, feared, and revered. Right, but Stassi is so above SUR. 

Lisa tries to have a heart-to-heart with Stassi about forgiving Katie who has been a good friend to her for all these years, because sometimes you have to be a little empathetic. Stassi gets her big-girl panties in a twist and whines about wanting it all Hanes, Her Way: either her friends are with her or against her. She yells at Lisa for only liking people who do what she wants them to. Pot. Meet Kettle. “Stassi doesn’t want friends, she wants followers,” observes Lisa. 

stassi schroeder doesn't want lisa vanderpump's advice

Stassi stomps out, and I imagine stole her little bottle of wine back. She stomped home to her sweltering apartment, put on her PJs and Mean Girls and scrolled through her her instagram feed, pretending that “Patrick” her perfect boyfriend hadn’t left her weeks ago. The landlord wouldn’t turn the AC back on until she paid the rent, which was supposed to be Patrick’s job while she pursued her passion of fashion blogging (Ha!), but now she’ll have to ask daddy for money again. Sigh – she wants to grow up, but then she’d have to try and be nice and use manners and stop consuming wine by the gluttonous gallons, only alternated with ice cream. Maybe someday! 

Back in Miami, Ariana sobs in the back of a cab because she’s anxious over what Kristen is capable of. Tom 1 consoles her and promises he’ll do something to fix it. Will he?

Tom’s old friend John is meeting them later. John is a modeling scout from Miami who essentially discovered Tom and Jax, then known as Jason, way back when they were twinks of convenience trying to break into the modeling industry. Jax lived with John until something odd happened and he fled Miami. The rumor was John and Jax were “together.”  Ariana is unsurprised – Jax would sleep with anything. He had sex with Kristen – and Stassi – after all! 

jax taylor, back when he was jason, in miami with rumored ex john

Tom so invited John as payback! John and Jax reminisce about their complicated relationship way back when, it was largely implied they were romantic. Vail plumbs them for details, but John evokes bro code. Oddly, and endearingly, Jax seems completely at ease with whatever situation he had with John, and isn’t embarrassed or ashamed of his past. Later John admits he loved Jax and Jax thanks him for the opportunities he gave him, regardless whatever awkwardness transpired. Still hanging in John’s apartment is a naked photo of a much younger – and different looking – Jax. That was closure. Meanwhile… 

Kristen is sneering at Ariana across the bar. Tom 1 asks to talk to Kristen – alone – I hope he grabbed Ariana’s LifeAlert necklace concealed by a penis straw. Immediately Kristen lets the crazy out, including that she’ll never accept Ariana because Tom left her for Ariana. Excuse me, el wonky connection with reality one, YOU cheated on Tom with Jax, which is why your relationship ended. There was no leaving you for Ariana about it. Kristen accuses Tom of throwing his relationship with Ariana in her face, which he’s not – he’s simply living his life which Kristen won’t stop encroaching upon.

Tom snaps. He starts sobbing, our delicate flower, wet tears that tasted like salty tequila, and reminded him of margaritas and happier times. Times like when he and Ariana float in the pool at night, talking philosophy and the best hair gel to survive humidity. Tom just wants Kristen to be happy, to move on and let go. Because although their relationship once meant something, it didn’t make either of them happy. “I want to be happy with you,” Kristen sniffles.”We can fix things. It can be different.” Surprise! Kristen wants Tom back. 

As Tom 1 sobs, Kristen smirks because, as she tells us, now she knows he still feels something for her. She will stop at nothing to get rid of Ariana, the “homewrecking whore”, who ruined her happiness. It was creepy, disturbing, and seriously alarming. 

Kristen is displacing her anger at herself onto Ariana. If Kristen wants to see a “home wrecking whore” she should look in the mirror. 

tom sandoval has the best ugly cry face in the world

Tom 1 wins the ultimate ugly cry-face award!!!!!! 

The next morning everyone wakes-up ready to return to LA. Scheana, still sipping delusion from a penis straw, believes her amazingness has managed to unite Ariana and Kristen. Tom 1 is relieved he didn’t wake-up to find Kristen staring at him in his sleep. No, instead she is plotting how to dispose of Ariana and discussing her plan with James. Kristen needs help. Really and seriously. Iyanla, Lisa – fix this bitch’s life.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]