Last night the over-grown adolescents of Vanderpump Rules made the trek to Miami for Scheana Marie‘s bachelorette party. Naturally the thing to do is to also invite your Maid of Honor’s mortal enemy, who also happens to be on the FBI watch-list for stalking – just to make sure everyone has an unforgettable time! If Kristen Doute were a superhero her power would be stealing fun. Except Kristen is not a superhero – she’s a super villain.
Packing for the trip Shay, the lumbering manhulk of sullen drudgery, finally speaks. Holding up a pair of flamboyant swim trunks, he looks down at his open suitcase, then at Scheana and mumbles, “This is really setting in right now.” Yep – one step closer to being Mr. Scheana Marie Almost Famous. Score!
The other problematic goings-on is Jax Taylor. Just that very morning Jax apparently ran head-first into a glass door, busting open his forehead. Now he looks even more like a scientific experiment where the world’s most attractive man is turned into a Frankenstein monster of evil. Peter recognizes this is not gonna be good.
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As it turns out Jax’s girlfriend Tiffany has suddenly disappeared. This is rapidly becoming Lifetime Movie territory… Jax says he uninvited Tiffany – right on the heels of her getting angry over his behavior in San Diego. Peter edges towards the door and casually suggests they go.
No one wants to room with James and Kristen, of course, and no one wants to room with Jax. Now that Tiffany has suddenly disappeared he is stuck with Toms, 1 & 2, regretfully, they will all be sharing one king-sized bed after a quick verification that three lovemen can fit spooningly. Three’s Company, Too!
The Toms are le sad – they thought Tiffany would distract Jax from being Jax, but now he’s back in all his gory. Speaking of which, we get a few lovely visuals of Jax’s best friend and constant companion in a shower scene one step away from Patrick Bateman’s in American Psycho. Where exactly is Tiffany.
In other awkward pairings, Katie Maloney and Vail, who barely know each other are stuck together, and Ariana Madix is rooming with Scheana – and her MOM!! Errrrmmmmm. Lisa Vanderpump upgraded Scheana to the biggest room, with the biggest penis straws.
Over dinner, Tom 1 and Ariana wore their his-n-hers tiger t-shirts. This enrages Kristen. Everyone pretends she is invisible, but she keeps doing this creepy laugh at absolutely nothing.
Ariana is quiet. She checks for her LifeAlert pendant, artfully disguised in the form of a reclaimed bronze hipster sharktooth pendant from artisanal free-range aquaponic cruelty-free recycled sharks. Tom 1‘s brow furrows pensively, he quickly smooths it out to prevent wrinkles.
Ariana pushes aside the weirdness to announce Scheana’s bachelorette tasks: get some underwear, sign a guy’s butt, do a lap dance, and of course: motorboat a D! Not to be confused with get on a motorboat with a D, because that will happen too when they all take booze-cruise and bring along Jax.
At dinner Katie mans-up – she wears the pants in her relationship – and confronts Jax about the mysterious disappearance of Tiffany. Jax, who happens to be sitting next to Kristen because psychos of a feather belong together, attempts to brush it off, but then starts threatening to spill dirt on everyone if pressed. Kristen smirks, under the table she strokes her Ariana voodoo doll, her plan is all coming to fruition. Everyone else rolls their eyes: Jax is so predictable, and so willing to create a complete lie to make everyone look as bad as he is!
While partying in Scheana’s room, Jax calls Tiffany (he says he’s talking to Tiffany, anyway) Tom 1 listens closely. Something is not right… After lying effortlessly about his plans of the evening, he hangs up and with a twinkle in his eye, announces, “Let’s go make some bad decisions!” That should be Jax’s next tattoo.
Vail took the bad decisions challenge to heart. She sidles up to Jax and has one of those boozy heart-to-hearts where everything makes sense in the slushy way of alcohol talking. Then again, every conversation with Jax is sort of like this. Jax tells Vail he’s a horrible person yet she keeps insisting he is not. Vail – believe him, it’s the one thing he isn’t lying about!
The next morning Vail woke up in her room, but doesn’t remember a thing. Vail rambles to Katie about how Jax isn’t that bad – she doesn’t want to give up on him just yet. Katie leans in close, looks around to make sure no one is listening and whispers: “We saved you. The only one who got out alive is Stassi – and look what it did to her. Where is Tiffany? I heard she was in a mental institution after being Jax’d. And here’s the thing: you don’t want to turn into Kristen.” Poor Vail – booksmart and braindumb. Princeton should ask for their degree back.
On the booze cruise, Kristen plots to throw Ariana overboard and reveals her plans to James. Tom 1 wears his speedo as a wedding present for Scheana – one I hope never gets regifted. Jax, meanwhile, is texting Carmen and begging her to fly to Miami. Is she desperate?! Tom 1 is shocked and makes an anonymous call to the authorities to investigate the whereabouts of Tiffany. Ariana clicks her heels together and wishes to go home.
That night, the girls and guys go to separate dinners. Katie makes a obsequious toast about how much she loves being here, even though last week she was plotting to strangle Scheana with her own hair because Scheana spread rumors that Katie cheated on Tom 2. But Katie and Stassi Schroeder aren’t speaking now…
Scheana does a bunch of trashy bachelorette tasks – like getting a guy’s underwear – in front of her mom. The guys “accidentally” left James at the hotel, but don’t worry he took a cab and followed them to the restaurant. Kristen has him on covert infiltration duty and he’s not about to let her down – think of what she’ll do to him!
Jax and Tom 1 start bickering over what happened in San Diego with Jax and the girl in the bathroom It is Tom vs. The Volcano eruption of Jax’s lies, shadiness, and sleaze. Tom 2 doesn’t involve himself – he knows Jax too well.
True to form, Jax threatens to reveal what happened in Miami with Tom 1 and Mystery Girl, the instrument Kristen is planning to use as Tomiana’s demise. Tom 1 challenges Jax to spill. Tom 2, fumbles for his inhaler and texts an SOS to his Mommy (not to be confused with Katie).
Weasly James, smirking gleefully, frantically texts Kristen with “proof.” Kristen giggles at the table in front of Ariana and Scheana, who are immediately suspicious. Then Kristen rushes off to the bathroom, but leaves her phone on the table. Vail immediately grabs it and starts scanning the texts. The ladies are shocked by the audacity – and Vail suddenly replaces Stassi as their leader. Just like that Stassi is dead to them: outranked, usurped, and over-thrown. Vail reads aloud that Jax is threatening to spill about Miami. Unfortunately, no one would believe him.
Back at the boys table, Jax stomps off and Tom 1 follows him. He reminds him that friends don’t backstab friends, and friends don’t have to beg each other to keep secrets, but he’s not going to lie anymore about Jax’s sleaze. Hmmmmm… was Tom 1 admitting that he cheated and expects Jax to help him cover, or is he pointing out that he has covered for Jax plenty of times without being asked while Jax has thrown both Toms under the bus time and time again?
At the ladies table, Kristen is evasive. Ariana books a flight back to CA from her iPhone and tells Lisa to alert the authorities if she doesn’t show up within 24-hours.
Oh and the best part of the episode: Stassi-free and proud to be!
TELL US – BIGGEST PSYHCO OF THE EPISODE: KRISTEN OR JAX? DID YOU MISS STASSI?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]