Vanderpump Rules Recap: Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

kristen doute is fired from sur

It’s the dawning of a new era on Vanderpump Rules. SUR has officially been freed of one psychotic SURver Kristen Doute! In other news Tom Schwartz got caught cheating again. Oops!

Jax Taylor, the world’s biggest traitor, is hanging out poolside, grabbing cocktails with Kristen, who is reveling in her splendiforous outing of Tom Sandoval‘s cheating after she trotted Miami Girl, her used lip-plants, and Lee Press-On nails (Google the 80s for that ish!) up to the bar to confront Tom about the size of his peni (too small to warrant an “s”) and what exactly he was doing with it – not Kristen much to her dismay. 

Since Kristen is happy and Tom 1 is sabotaged, she is kissing James. Meanwhile Jax looks like someone put something in his vodka – was he roofied?! He’d probably like that. He’s there with Carmen. who despite being dumped over pizza is sticking around for more camera time! She accuses Jax of texting 5 other girls, which was a rhetorical question, right? To prove his innocence Kristen grabs his phone and, oh look! there’s a text from some girl in Vegas that Tom 2 cheated with.


They only made out – or did they… Hey, maybe Kristen could fly that girl out to confront Katie Maloney at SUR! I was gonna say confront Tom 2 at work, but then I remembered… med school drop-out and panic attack bar tender is unemployed. 

At the time Kristen has learned this potentially damaging news about Tom 2‘s peni, he’s at a bar called Lock & Key with Tom 1, Katie, Scheana Marie and her omnipresent cameltoe hotpants named Mike. I love how perfectly and succinctly ironic the name of this bar is because Tom 2 is left with no option to keep his past under lock and key so he whisks Katie to a remote corner to confess to another extra-girlfriend make-out.

tom schwartz confesses to cheating on katie maloney - again

Tom 2 swears he wanted to tell her, but since they’re working so hard in therapy he didn’t want to sabotage by focusing on another issue of the past. Katie rightfully tells him he’s been hanging out with Jax too long and he would have never fessed-up if circumstances hadn’t forced him. She says Tom 2 is not mature enough to be a faithful boyfriend, let alone get married! We’re talking about a man who had a panic attack bar tending – “immature” is his middle name. I must say though, therapy is working wonders for Katie who has not only grown her own ovaries but Tom 2’s as well!

Katie hitches up her plaid nightgown and shuffles home, where she can roll right into bed. Tom 2 has to sleep on the sofa as he’s in timeout! Working his oedipal complex to maximum cuteosity, he stomps his feet and threatens to eat Katie up for sending him to bed without supper, then he sails his motorboat to Vegas, where the wild things are hungry, and plastic-surgeried, and drunk, and in possession of iPhones to stalk and text incriminating photos from. They are seduced by his impish scowl, so they give him a crown and they welcome him to the kingdom of the wild things, where there is no Jax Taylor to chew up your secrets and spit them out and cheating stays forever under lock and key. But Tom gets scared all alone without Kaite to tuck him in and remind him to brush his hair, so he goes home and tucks his […] between his legs and falls fast asleep. 

The next day, Kristen goes to work expecting to receive yet another slap on the wrist from Lisa Vanderpump, this time for cussing out her manager Diana during the Miami Girl escapade. Except Lisa has had it. All the owners are there, along with Diana, and despite Kristen working at SUR since the dawn of civilization, change is of the essence!

When Kristen walks into the meeting, Lisa sends Ken and Guillermo out so the ladies can launch on her with the shriek of Mothra. I’ve never heard Lisa yell before, but yell she did about how Kristen never takes responsibility for anything! Kristen’s defense is: since she wasn’t “on the clock” she wasn’t cussing-out her manager at work, she was a patron cussing-out A manager. Lisa has a personnel file about 5″ thick of Kristen’s infractions and the nail in the coffin was her decision to use SUR to further her personal agenda of destroying Tom’s life. Lisa also blamed Kristen for corrupting James. So fired she was! 

lisa vanderpump fires kristen doute

Fireworks went off. A cheer of relief erupted through the kitchen. Music burst from loudspeakers – real music, not that Scheana shit – everyone started to twerk, fist pump, and booty shake. Champagne flowed through the employee bathroom faucets as euphoria and promise swept through the air. The Kritter had left the building! Lisa did a little hip wiggle, a remnant from her days on DWTS, and smiled to herself. Then she commanded they all get back to work!

James is still at SUR, he’s all left-out as usual, and no one makes eye contact as they avoid passing him a victory glass of champagne. They momentarily stop twerking when he walks past the bar. Scheana tries to discreetly sweep the glitter confetti under the table cloth as he’s bussing away the dishes of half-eaten cake. “It was just somebody’s birthday!” she lies, hollowly. Even worse, Kristen has made off with Baby Beamer Schemer’s car and is driving the Beamer back to his crashpad, where he pays the rent and lets her store her long-range telescope. I hope Kristen took a Beamer Selfie! 

Despite momentary peace, Scheana Marie still has a wedding to plan and money she doesn’t have to spend. She’s having a candy bar. No one cares about that – what we do care about is that Kristen remains invited!!! Scheana fake-frets that Kristen might ruin the wedding, but truly she wants the drama. Mike is stuffing his face with candy samples ala Agustus Gloop. “This is heaven” he mumbles. I’m pretty sure it’s the only time Shay-hulk has spoken. 

scheana marie plans her wedding

Katie has lunch with Kristina, Stassi Schroeder‘s anonymous clone – formerly No 1, but now she’s the only Stassi clone left. My, my the mighty has fallen. She’ll be reduced to hanging out with Kristen soon! 

Katie – avoid Kristina! She carries the plague of Stassi! And just like that Kristina is trying to convince Katie to call Stassi because Stassi was going through “so much” – like what trying to simultaneously manage her imaginary boyfriend with her imaginary job while putting her imaginary big girl panties on and looking up the definition of “mature” on while texting daddy to pay her rent? 

Meanwhile Tom 2 is at Jax’s apartment where Jax is showing off his new fitness app. His next app should be called BroCode Breaker. Shockingly, Tom 2 calls Jax out on being a terrible friend, who all too willingly betrays his friends to save himself. Jax takes great offense! He implies Tom 2 did way more than make-out – much much more. Does our little Tomlett even know how to do more than make-out? He seems like he’d confuse snuggling with sex. Wasn’t he a virgin until last week when Katie finally pointed out he had a peni? 

Apparently Jax has embellished the story – countless stories – but Tom 2 has never outed one of Jax’s secret and is furious to be implicated this way. Jax denies that he would never be an attention seeking liar of convenience. Tom demands Jax stay out of his relationship – and keep Kristen out of it too! 

jax taylor and tom schwartz argue over his bad friend tendencies

Jax scratches his head, and is confused: he was trying to be honest. How can one be a good friend if they’re supposed to be honest? I suppose that is the question when you hang out with people who are chronically dishonest – starting with yourself!


 [Photo Credits: Bravo]