Vanderpump Rules Recap: But We’re Supposed To Be Happy!

Scheana Marie cries over marriage

Last night on Vanderpump Rules we got a little taste of Lala Kent, the manipulative little she-houdini. We also got a glimpse of Scheana Marie‘s marriage when her keeping up appearances failed. Then Lisa Vanderpump called Ken “the big cock” and all else was forgotten!

Lisa takes Scheana and Katie Maloney shopping for new SUR uniforms because she now wants her survers to look like 1950’s diner waitresses. The true intention, however, was Lisa putting the kibosh on how Scheana and Katie have been treating pooooooor, whiiiddle sweet Lala, of the Britney Spears Academy For The Not That Innocent (she got straight A’ss). 


Scheana believes they were justified in semi-threatening Lala over her liar’s trip to Italy because duh – she lied: Lala isn’t a model, she was a hired date. Scheana is now President of SUR’s Morality Board. “That’s none of your business,” snaps Lisa. Lisa makes a mental note to remind Lala that she can prostitute her affections on someone else’s time. 

Scheana has more important things to deal with – her husband of less than a year Mike Shay, that silent Lumpasaurus who plays the beautiful soul to Scheana’s famewhoring beast. Shay, has re-fashioned himself into an Unsolved Mystery: Have You Seen Them? and disappeared. The last time Scheana saw Shay he was double-fisting bottles of Wild Turkey. She needs to put Shay’s picture on the back of a whiskey bottle! 

At SUR, realizing something is wrong, Katie follows Scheana into the bathroom. Scheana tells Katie to lock the door – she only wants to [tearless] cry in front of the cameras! – and confides that Shay has been drinking a lot and is MIA. Uh-Oh.  Do we need to go on a manhunt? Lisa has a lot of dogs. And swans, one which she is carrying into SUR. A swan suffering from depression after being attacked in the Villa Rosa pond by a particularly aggressive black swan named Brandi. Wasn’t there a movie about this………….? Oh yeah, so, essentially Lisa’s Natalie Portman can’t reconcile with the dark side. 

Lisa spots Lala and asks about Italy. Lala admits she didn’t exactly have a modeling job –  some guy was going to take her picture in exchange for being his date. We know how that goes! Of course it doesn’t matter – Lala ended up skipping the trip and flying home to see her mommy because *sniff, sniffle* SUR’s mean girls made her feel insecure and she had anxiety. Is there something in the alcohol at SUR that makes everyone lie like a Jaxskin rug? 

Lisa, ridiculously, believed her – and implored Lala to inform her of any further antics. Perhaps Lisa is just using Lala? Perhaps Lisa also got her darkside pecked out by a black swan? 

But alas, PUMP has replaced SUR as the new hot spot so Lisa needs to invest in retraining her recalcitrant staff. PUMP may be Lisa’s new baby, but SUR will be always be the place where her employees act like babies!

Lisa brings over PUMP’s bar manger to teach the bar tenders how to make some of PUMP’s most popular cocktails, called such inspired names as the Pump & Glory. Unfortunately Jax Taylor has been sipping on a little Teartini, and SURves up hostility about being told how to do his job! Jax, with his cock-tail inferiority complex, is outright whiny-rude until Ken swaggers over. When Sammy Hagar Jr-Jr puts the smack down, you best get in line! Ken also got bumped and grinded up to three times a year because Lisa was overjoyed seeing her “big cock” peck Jax into order. 

Later Lisa has another manager from PUMP retrain the waitresses in how to be cordial. Please tell me Kristen Doute snuck in for that? 

Kristen and James

Oh, no, Kristen was too busy having a heart to heart (or guilt trip to guilt trip) with James Kennedy over his cheating. James is still refusing to admit that he slept with Scheana’s friend – which is probably wise because they’re talking next to a pool and drinking out of glasses. One must always be on the alert for hidden weapons in the vicinity of Kristen!

James tries to explain why Kristen isn’t trustworthy either, so she argues that he’s insecure. She’s been getting relationship advice from Jax, who decided no one should stay in a relationship with someone who cheats. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That is some Jaxed up irony! 

Lisa reflects on James and Kristen’s toxic relationship as, “James needs Kristen about as much as he needs a boil on the butt.” Correction: James may end up with a boil on the butt if he stays with Kristen. Or at least a black eye and possibly a restraining order.

Back at SUR, after server training, Lisa informs Scheana and Katie that she spoke to Lala. She warns them to BE NICE.  Except, it’s not Scheana’s fault she was mean – she has WAAAAAAY, WAAAAAY bigger, more important, more super real problems than stupid Lala-THOT’s feelings. 

Scheana doesn’t understand Shay’s depression. Scheana has really tried to be there for him. Is it Scheana’s fault he’s unhappy? Does he understand how his drinking is upsetting SCHEANA? SCHEANA has been lying to all her friends about how amazing marriage is! It’s really affecting SCHEANA’s self-esteem to feel like a bad wife. Are you sensing a pattern here, that perhaps, Shay feels invisible in his marriage to Scheana? Basically, Scheana, it’s important to realize that YOUR happiness isn’t the only one whose matters in a MARRIAGE. 

While Scheana’s relationship is crashing and burning like a dropped plate of crispy chicken, Tom 1 and Tom 2 are adulting. Not together – although supportively co-adulting each other’s progress.

Tom 2 decided it’s time to propose. He’s so motivated to buy Katie the perfect ring he even gets a job! Manhood. Of course that job is male modeling for what seems like a catalog that sells clothes for Russian Mail Order Brides: Future skanky trophy wife satin dress no 1, Future skanky trophy wife satin dress no 2… On set, Tom 2 isn’t even interested in ogling the women modeling the attire for next season’s 90 Day Fiance cast, all eyes are on the prize – that beautiful diamond sparkling in the distance. Give’em your Golom face, Tom 2. SMIZE. Tom 2 was totally introducing BLU-PLATINUM. Take that Zoolander

At Tom 1‘s, many entangled apartment, he is getting rid of his sofa, because he officially “coupled” with Ariana Madix by buying a brand-new, unsullied couch on which to spread bodily fluids all their own! #Adulting Tom 2 thinks the old sofa belongs in a museum. More like a CDC lab.

Unfortunately new SURver Faith is adopting Tom 1’s old sofa. FAITH! We will take up a collection for you to buy a new sofa! Tom 2 cautions, “If you put a black light on the sofa, it looks like a Jackson Pollack.” Or Jax-son Pull Out maybe. 

Scheana cries over Shay's disappearance and drinking

While Tom is moving sofas with his soulbro, Ariana visits Scheana who is all alone with her cats and stuffed animals and her photos of herself. There were even MORE giant blown-up Scheana wedding photos in the bedroom! Why do I want to break into Scheana’s apartment, steal her Scheana photo collection, and put up portraits of Stassi

Scheana cries about Shay making Scheana feel like a bad wife. Ariana listens because Ariana is a good friend. While Scheana was using her giant fake talons to wipe her tears from her giant fake eyelashes, I was worried she was going to lose an eyeball. Then Scheana would have a new drama about how no one texted her while she was at the ophthalmologist! 

Even worse – Scheana agreed to go with Tom 2 to help pick out Katie’s ring when she can’t even find her husband. I mean Shay might be in Timbuktu leading a tribe of pirates?! Or drunk in his parents’ rec-room playing Halo. 

And things are going no better for Lala. While wearing pleather on pleather, effectively making herself into a human condom (Preparedness!), she confesses to Jax that the girls at SUR are mean. In fact Katie and Scheana are so mean Lala doesn’t want to come to work. OH BOO HOO. 

Lala and jax

More importantly to Jax: is Lala single? Is she ready to mingle? Jax conveniently isn’t sure if he has a girlfriend now. What a coincidence – because Lala doesn’t have a boyfriend, only travel buddies! And she admits getting Jax’d sounds like fun. Does Jax get a punch card for all the girls he bangs at SUR? Can he redeem it for a free STD screening? Is he Planned Parenthood’s MVP?

Then Lala chats with  James, who leers that if HE doesn’t tell her he’s dating Kristen than Lala thinks he’s single and they can boff. Honestly, Lisa, seriously, instead of Christmas bonuses, just pass out antibiotics. Are Jax and James gonna fight over Lala? Or Kristen? Or both! And is Kristen gonna try to turn Lala into a crispy chicken? 

Tom 2, Tom 1 and Scheana pick out engagement rings. While his job at PUMP only lasted mere hours, Tom 2 did meet a jewelry designer. Kyle is willing to help Tom 2 create Katie’s dream ring. How can I meet a friend in the diamond business?

Tom 2 chooses Katie's engagement ring

Tom 2 envisions the perfect proposal, with the perfect ring. He wants Katie to be surprised, and enlists Tom 1 to be by his side. Naturally. When Tom 2 discovers the dream ring will cost $7k he chugs his champagne, but goes for it. Awwww… c’mon – that was cute. A part of me just adores Tom 2 and I want to squish him! And I think the ring he chose was lovely. 

Of course, Scheana undos the nicey by rambling about her ring. Now that Scheana has been married a year, she wants to add another diamond band to complete her eternity setting. How about Scheana FIND SHAY first? Tom 1 is shocked by Scheana’s denial. Did Scheana pawn Shay for gems?

Lisa is shocked to learn about Shay

Although Scheana is putting on a happy face, gushing about diamonds being a girl’s best friend forever, she’s crying inside. She confesses to Lisa that Shay has been mixing pills with booze. Sometimes taking up to 5 Vicodin a day. This has been going on for years. Scheana is really worried, but doesn’t know how to help – maybe don’t discuss it on reality TV? Scheana never imagined marriage would be like this when she married an addict. Lisa is shocked. 

“Am I a bad wife? Am I a bad person? Am I so self-centered that I don’t see what’s wrong, literally, in my home?” Scheana sobs to the camera. So many levels to these questions. What’s wrong, literally, in your home Scheana, seems to be your addiction to Groupons for personalized prints that are covering every available surface with airbrushed, high resolution images of ‘happy’ while the reality is those crunchy cast-off 90’s pleather sofas you pretend don’t exist. Priorities, Baby Cakes, priorities beyond appearance. 


[Photo Credits: Bravo]