I could watch Vanderpump Rules forever, like on a loop, one never-ending Kristen Doute messy relationship after another. Oh wait, I am! HAHA – funny how that’s working out. Kristen cheated on Tom Sandoval, blamed Tom 1 for their relationship being awful, bragged about the wondrous peen of James Kennedy, then their relationship ended up being equally awful in all the same ways, Kristen returned to her nagging, stalking, threatening, emotionally manipulative, meltdowns and… well you know what happened! James cheated! Didn’t think he had the balls. Literally.
Is that karma, or just the laws of physics. Whatever – I’m sensing a pattern here. Is that pattern Kristen?
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It all starts with Scheana Marie wandering into SUR, dazed and confused, the morning after her birthday party. The party where James proceeded to get so obliteratingly drunk he thought Tom 1 was Kristen and tried to make out with his roller skate. Lovely lady lumps! It turns out James was not too drunk to have an Uber to take him Scheana’s friend Jenna’s house, then redirect said Uber to take him home realizing Kristen would get suspicious (or check). Except James brought Jenna with him. Oops. Kristen put two-and-two together using emailed Uber receipts. This girl is dedicated. T-shirt line not keeping her busy enough?
Oh the Uber. Such are the Ubers of our lives on Vanderpump Rules.
A hysterical Kristen confronts James at a winebar and I must admit, I was quite distracted by his glowy newbile skin in his mank (man-tank). And without giving him an opportunity to explain, or even chugging her sauvignon blanc, Kristen announces she is DONE with James, and leaving him to move to Orange County and open a private investigation business with Meghan King Edmonds.
When Kristen met James he was so wonderful and she doesn’t understand this person he has become. Whelp, yeah, Kristen – it’s you. #ToxicTwat. She sobs tears of pure wine while running out the door, passing briefly to consider if Tom will take her back.
Later however, maybe like 15 minutes later, James skulks around Kristen’s door as she snivels on her sofa. James cries and pleads for Kristen to forgive him, and admits something happened with Jenna. But this where it gets supremely disturbing. Like this is what happens when two pathological liars meet.
James purports to have professed everything to Kristen: Yes, he made-out with this Jenna and even tried to take her shirt off, but never did they ever have sex. 100% not! James nuzzles Kristen’s ear, canoodles her, promises never to betray her again and be a good as he hugs her tight. Kristen forgives him, promises to stalk him a little less, and it was gross.
BUT THEN! THEN! James confesses in his interview that HELL YEAH he banged Jenna! Like full banging. Icky uber creepster grossy-gross-gross-galore! I WANT to feel bad for Kristen. I do. But then… I just can’t!
So those two are back together.
Well in other scandalous reveals, Jax has a stinky feet fetish!
Naturally the Kristen and James drama is Scheana’s fault. Kristen even texted Scheana calling her a “rude bitch” for trying to hide James’ betrayal. Why is Scheana always in the middle of everything? Because: PAY ATTENTION TO SCHEANA EVERYONE!
No chance of that happening, however, now that Lisa Vanderpump has hired Lala Kent. And Lala Kent is not to be trifled with – in Lala Kent’s mind. Lala Kent is a “model”
of the THOT variety and considers SUR her first “real job,” yet she’s not taking it seriously. In fact, two minutes after getting hired Lala announces to Lisa that she’s jetting off to Italy for a modeling job. Then she skips over to Jax Taylor‘s bar to remind him that she’s just down the hall from his place… conveniently located in Stassi Schroeder‘s old apartment, in Stassi’s old bedroom. But no one has called Lala a bitch or punched her. Yet! She hasn’t met Kristen. Yet!
Lisa is intrigued by all the trouble this one will stir up. Jax is intrigued by all the trouble he can lick up.
Katie Maloney reminds Jax of his new girlfriend, the one he moved out to LA, who is in the very next room, doing a job interview with Lisa while wearing a Forever XXII lingerie romper! Yes, Jax is now dating Brittany, who is from Kentucky and once served beers at the Applebees thus qualifying her to work at SUR. Jax even begged Lisa to hire her.
I am just about certain Brittany celebrated her 18th birthday about 9 minutes ago. That, and being from backwoods Kentucky are the only excusable reasons for A) dating Jax and B) wearing that ensemble to a job interview – WITH LISA. But seriously – dating Jax? Just get a lobotomy it’s less painful.
While Brittany is off chatting with Lisa about what makes her uniquely qualified to sling fried goat cheese balls at SUR, Jax is leering at Lala, who is doing nothing to discourage him. Katie introduced Jax and Brittany and has hopes for this relationship working out. Those hopes are very nearly dashed by the sighting of Lala Kent’s naked ass of an instagram profile.
But Jax is in luuuurve with Brittany, who arrived in LA wide-eyed without even a trace of plastic surgery. She’s innocent, sweet, and southern, and in about two short years she’ll be the sarcastic, emotionally jaded, hardened mean girl bitch of Stassi Schroeder reincarnated. Because that’s what Jax does … he siphons your sweetness, then injects it into himself, making him look dewy and innocent enough to seduce the next unsuspecting girl. While Brittany is in the next room, he’s already making eyes at Lala, who, let me remind you, coincidentally lives in Stassi’s old bedroom. Memories, misty water colored memories… of the bed we used to get f–ked in.
Katie declares “Out of sight, out of mind” as Jax’s motto. I prefer, so many girls, so little years of being passably attractive left!
It is from that moment forward that Katie is leery of Lala. And even more so when she hears of this modeling trip to Italy…
In a magical place where the dragon has been slayed, Tom 1 is experiencing the Era Of Ariana. Which means finally throwing his much-tainted couch away and buying a new one for them to share! After all the old sofa got both Kirsten’d and Jax’d (AT THE SAME TIME!!) – not even a Dyson could tap that! Perhaps Tom 1 kept it all this time as a shrine to his former shame? A tribute to NEVER FORGET. Maybe Tom 1 has a spirt sofa instead of a spirt animal?
However in the Era of Ariana, who has moved into Tom 1‘s ever-loving abode, it is finally time to let go and allow the shame to dissipate. Tom 1 can pass this sofa onto James!
Tom 1 calls the practice of procuring a new sofa “Adulting.” Then further practices said “adulting” by dryhumping Ariana in the store on his prospective new sofa. What’s it called when you’re “adulting” while simultaneously approaching middle age?
Alas, life is not all spanking new stain-resistant gray tweeds and firm unhumped on cushions. Ariana questions her friendship with Scheana – particularly how Scheana could also be friends with Kristen! Ariana wonders if maybe Scheana is just a bored married looking for some excitement – and Kristen Vs. Ariana definitely brings that! – but Scheana must make a choice. Scheana’s Choice: Will she choose a faithful friend or the possibility of getting Kristen’d?
More on that later.
Back at SUR, Katie and Scheana are shit-talking Lala who can conveniently hear every word! Scheana, the newly-christened morality police – as if we don’t know HER history! – decides Lala isn’t a model, but one of those girls who goes on trips paid for by rich men in exchange for something. Apparently Lala’s instagram proves this.
Katie and Scheana sound bitter that no one is flying their asses to Italy. The only thing going on in Katie’s life is Tom 2 taking the big, brave step of adopting a very cute puppy thus proving he’s capable of committing to her… some day. If she begs. And then Katie can be like Scheana! SIIIIIIGH! SWOOOON!
Katie deduces that Lala is lying about her reason for going to Italy and decides to confront her, prodded by Scheana who just can’t bear that Lisa is being deceived! They orchestrate a Stassi Schroeder Mean Girl bitchquisition, but Lala is unbothered. There’s a new sheriff in town… or two rather fumbling deputies. Lala vacantly admits she’s going to Italy for fun, because who wouldn’t? Scheana is indignant that Lala doesn’t consider SUR a way of life.
And because Scheana is at WORK, she ambles over to Ariana’s bar to gossip about Kristen stalk-texting her obsessively over the James situation. Scheana is absolutely gleeful about being in the middle of DRAMA, but Ariana would rather twirl her hair and practice her side-eye in the reflection of the ice machine.
Ariana asks Scheana why she even considers being Kristen’s friend – especially after all the things Kristen did to herself and Tom 1, Scheana’s supposed besties! Oh, but Scheana just can’t decide: Ariana or Kristen, who shall a girl choose? Scheana whines, again, that Kristen hasn’t done anything to her directly. Except: ruin her birthday party last year (and this year), ruin one of her great musical performances/engagement party which was ALL. ABOUT. Scheana showing her love for Shay, and ruin her wedding by fighting with James.
Scheana begrudgingly decides to cut Kristen off and invites her over to talk. I couldn’t care less about whatever those two messy bitches ranted about, I want to talk about Scheana’s cluster f–k of an apartment. It was a shrine to Scheana’s wedding. Plastered with photos galore and tacky little nick-knacks from Scheana and Shay’s big day. Yet all the other furniture and whatnot looked like it was unearthed from a 1995 Goodwill in the Valley.
It was so strange, but also not. It was a lot like Scheana and Shay’s relationship. All “LOOK AT SCHEANA!” everywhere on all the glossy and visible services. Buried underneath the fake smiles and airbrushed photos were slumpy, bland, brown sofas and cheaply veneered TV stands you barely noticed. Amid all that splendor Scheana and Kristen bickered over who was to blame for Kristen’s inability to keep either boyfriends or friendships.
Kristen doesn’t blame herself. It’s Tom. It’s Jax. It’s James. It’s Scheana. But honestly, as Scheana pointed out, the common denominator in all these disasters is Kristen. That’s just basic math. Duh! Can we do a common core equation of Kristen’s relationship messes?
Then Scheana admits Ariana is pressuring her to stop being friends with Kristen. And this is SOOOO hard for Scheana, but their friendship is over! This will last about as long as a bottle of vodka – or Jax’s relationships – last at SUR.
TELL US -CAN SCHEANA BE FRIENDS WITH BOTH ARIANA AND KRISTEN? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LALA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]