If I were Jax Taylor‘s girlfriend Brittany, after watching last night’s Vanderpump Rules, I’d be breaking up with him. But she probably got into the business of dating Jax by watching Vanderpump Rules, so I’ll assume she’s not surprised by his general assiness and lies.
Before we get into all the drama Lisa Vanderpump meets an early 30-something woman named Arielle with priorities. Imagine! Arielle volunteers with homeless youth (aged 18 – 23) who live in a shelter. Arielle reached out to Lisa and Ken on Facebook because many of these kids have never eaten in a fancy restaurant and have always wanted to. Lisa and Ken of course say yes.
Now, drama. Lala Kent did not hook up with Jax after PRIDE – but not for lack of trying! Lala asks if he wants to get a drink, so Jax pretends he’s not really together with his girlfriend Brittany. Out of sight, out of mind; in sight, in Jax’s bed!
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James is having family problems and every woman in his life is causing him stress, which is why he’s been lashing out and drinking so much.
OK – let’s discuss James‘ visit with his mom, cause there was something super weird there right? James hasn’t seen his mom in eons, yet they’re supposedly super close (it did not appear that way). Also James’ mom, a former model, is all of like 8 years old. She’s divorcing James’ dad after 24-years of marriage and it seems like she just abruptly moved out. James tears up because he’s really not handling his parents divorce well.
James also alludes that there was some alcohol abuse in his family and he is just using the family way to mask his feelings and deal with stress. His mom, Jacqueline, seems to want to brush over that by talking about her teenaged years partying in London. Then she instructs James to stop getting into relationships with mentally unstable cougars, and gives him an awkward hug.
James hasn’t told anyone about his family issues, so everyone thinks he’s just become more of an arrogant prick than usual. Bloody oops!
Tom 1 and Tom 2 have big dreams of working with Pandora and Jason and bringing LVP Sangria to the disenfranchised masses. First they just have to come up with a plan… I title this segment “Dumb & Dumber Doo-Doo Bizness”.
The Toms had a week to prepare a business proposal to present to Pandora and Jason about what contributions they would make to elevate LVP Sangria and why they would be an asset to the brand. After chatting about it briefly they determine their contribution is their own laissez-faire coolness, and that like they have too many birthday parties this summer to manage a real job. Tom and Tom can only handle so much “adulting” before they start “de-dulting”. And we all now Tom 2 is a commitment-phobe.
Katie Maloney feels a tingling on her ring finger every time Tom 2 has a commitment-phobe attack. Anything can trigger them, like buying a dish towel on clearance at West Elm! What if he spends this $8.99, but then gets invited to Happy Hour? What if he can’t find the receipt and can’t return it? What if he decides he doesn’t like blue?! Oh God – he could have to use this dish towel for the next 2 years. OR! What if he decides to eat off paper plates!? *HEAD EXPLODES*
Katie, I think that tingling is your head trying got communicate with your heart that Tom 2 will be “moooodeling” for-ev-er and is not meant for big boy things like adulthood. As for Tom 1 buying that new sofa maxed out his grown-up quotient for the year.
Here’s what they come up with: Tom 1 will do the talking because he’s better at using the words”brand ambassador” in a sentence. Brand Ambassador is to the Toms, what truth telling and monogamy is to Jax. (i.e words they use because they sound good, but have no idea how to proactively define and demonstrate).
At the meeting, Tom 2 immediately starts rambling about how they aren’t ready for, like, a serious commitment but they think they’d be really good at getting the product into people’s hands. Jason is all, “BUT HOW?” Good lord – these two were complete chumps! It was embarrassing! The Toms later complained that Jason was “really aggressive’ and they clammed up. Uh, Jason was actually just being professional.
After The What About Toms BabySteps BabySteps BabySteps towards real responsibility, they eventually decide to be elevated interns – i.e. brand ambassadors who work for booze. They feel relieved that it went so well. The got a Toms, a career-ish; meanwhile Pandora and Jason, don’t to have to deal with the Toms. Literally these two are Step Brothers reincarnated and they are about to move into Villa Rosa where their heads will spin because there’s so much room for all their activities. I can literally see this show in my mind – and it would be hilarious!
So that went well and possibly LVP Sangria will be “in people’s hands” at the f–king Catalina Wine Festival!
In other Adultings In Reverse, Jax and Kristen Doute are now taking boxing classes. After punching things, they spew forth their various lies; Jax that Brittany is not moving to LA for him and certainly not moving in with him; Kristen that she’s going to stay single and work on herself following the James breakup. Oh, she might get a dog. Does Kristen strike anyone else as the type that would go to Vegas for 4 days, and just leave the dog in her apartment with the toilet lid up? Lisa needs to proactively get Pet CPS on speed dial!
After lying to Lala about his relationship with Brittany, and denying to Kristen that he told Lala he and Brittany split up, Jax picks up Brittany at the airport and promptly asks her to move in with him. She looks thrilled. Brittany would be better off going back to the Kentucky Hooters from whence she came – at least the tips are reliable.
Later at SUR Jax lets it slip to James that he went boxing with Kristen. James blows up about how Jax is moving in on Kristen the second he was done with her. Tom 1 was standing there trying desperately to get a word in edgewise to calm these two down. I imagine he was thinking “LISTEN TO YOU TWO IDIOTS FIGHTING OVER KRISTEN. KRISTEN!” Which is what I was yelling at the TV. Or trying to, although no one could hear me over Baby Kicks Kennedy’s whining and Jax’s bitching. James stomped away before Jax even got an opportunity to tell him he was getting a drink with Lala later! Oh bother.
Lisa sits the staff down to prepare them for the special guests from Covenant House. She expects best behavior – from the staff. James is already sulking. I mean, he could be randomly hooking up with one of the few remaining uncorrupted girls at SUR, but instead he has to help others while getting paid to do so. Oh boo hoo! Seriously – are Jax and James in a competition to see who can bed the most women of SUR? Do they keep a tally in the wine cellar?
James drops by Kristen’s to pick up his stuff, but not two seconds into his arrival they erupt into a screaming fight. They’re both terrible and toxic, and I won’t even go into the warring emotional abuse these two judiciously inflict upon each other. Kristen’s rabid smirk as she is pushing James’ buttons makes me stab-inducing, and James’ hysterical shrieking that Kristen is a slut makes me insane. James stomps out and as a parting gift spits on Kristen’s door. That’s when I realized Kristen was wearing high-waisted denim cutoffs from the Scheana Marie Collection Of Delusional Hotpants. Just no.
Kristen immediately calls her only friend Jax, because he’s the voice of rational thinking and solid advice. Kristen describes Jax’s only benefit is that he is unfailingly loyal. Is he? So I guess she did adopt a dog after all!
Back at SUR Jax tells Lala about James spitting on Kristen’s door. Lala is all “la-la-la-la, don’t care!” and wants nothing to do with it. Jax, however, decides he must protect women and it is his duty to confront James about his inappropriate behavior. Naturally Jax decides the prefect time for this confrontation is during the Covenant Youth dinner party.
Lisa has everything arranged beautifully. Ariana Madix decided to make fancy (non-alcoholic) mocktails for the kids, so Tom 1 went ahead and whipped up a batch without consulting Ariana. Ariana gets pissy. I think there were some other issues at play here. One, Ariana’s pissiness erupted mere minutes after Tom informed her of the disastrous the LVP Sangria meeting. Ariana didn’t look surprised that Tom freaked the minute he left Never-Never Land soil, but I’m guessing she was disappointed. And not just that probably annoyed that he flubbed it so badly because of laziness.
Also soon it will be Ariana‘s 30th birthday. She’s planning and ‘I Don’t Wanna Grow Up’ themed party. Perhaps the impending doom of being the big 3-0 and mixing drinks while play-acting at adulting at the furniture store is causing depression?
Ariana snaps at Tom that the cocktails were her idea, plus she thinks the girls would want something girlier. Lisa swings by the bar, and immediately vindicates Ariana by telling Tom they need another girlier drink.
The Covenant House kids are amazing and sweet. They all seem really excited to be there. Lisa and Ken have the whole thing arranged like a fancy dinner party, complete with an open menu and all the courses. It was nice. And most importantly of all it helped Scheana Marie put into perspective that her life is not that terrible! So what if Shay isn’t making Scheana the happiest woman alive – YET – he’s giving her an apartment to proudly display all her ‘I LOVE SCHENA’ paraphernalia.
Unfortunately in the middle of the party, Ariana, who has been sipping on some of Tom 1‘s anti-adulting serum throws a tantrum when Peter invites Tom to his guys-only trip to Vegas. Ariana is pissy that she’ll have to stay home while all the guys are partying and she wants to go too! Especially since they leave the day after her birthday! Peter backs slowly away from the PMSing or whatever it is. Besides he has another tantrum to deal with it!
Behind the bar James and Jax have erupted into a screaming argument over what happened at Kristen’s. Everyone can hear. Lisa is furious and rebukes the two seething, snarling man-children who are quarreling over a toy neither of them even wants to play with. But they will make damn sure the other one can’t play with it either – just in case.
Ironically Jax lectures James on doing too many things he’s forced to apologize for and not being honest with women in his life. And there you have it kids – the most clear-cut demonstration of delusional hypocrisy that has ever been presented on Bravo. With enough smoke erupting from James’ ears that Lisa could put an Axe Body Spray flan on the menu, she separates them and threatens to send James home PERMANENTLY if he doesn’t walk away.
Jax whines to Lisa about how “everything is revolving around James” and if it were his restaurant he’d fire James, but Lisa snaps that it’s her restaurant and he needs to shut up. Then Lisa puts poor maligned Peter on guard duty. Peter pretend-sympathizes with each party, then delegates them a task. Redirection is always the best way to deal with angry toddlers.
Well that was disgraceful. And seriously what as Vanderpump Rules come to that we are forced to endure the depraved triangle of Kristen, Jax, and James? Check please!
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]