Jax, Kristen, and Brittany

Vanderpump Rules Season 5 Premiere Recap: Not OK!

Welcome back to Vanderpump Rules, where people miraculously age in reverse – but only in their personalities and maturity levels.

Despite our year-long hiatus, little has changed at SUR, the illustrious sur-vers and their counterparts. Kristen Doute and Stassi Schroeder are back in the full-time rotation, to reign supreme over the dysfunction, with Scheana Marie and Katie Maloney their tittering accomplices. Tom 2 is a mere accessory to their life of crime, the teeny dog shoved in a purse to nip and yap occasionally. And everybody still hates Lala Kent!

I don’t know guys – are we really in for another season of mean girls justifying their own behavior by calling the other person mean? It’s like Vanderpump Rules is just an audition for Real Housewives, a job Stassi presumably believes will be hers as soon as she convinces a Hollywood mogul, or rich business man to marry her. Maybe when Lala’s ‘boyfriend,’ the married guy with 35,022 kids who is passing out free Range Rovers on Halloween, ditches that wife of his Stassi can swoop right in?


Brittany works at SUR

Back to the semi-clad reality – Brittany Cartwright is now working at SUR. So, um… Brittany, ummm… looks a bit worse for the wear. Is it Jax Taylor that changes a girl, or SUR? Or possibly Kristen? The newest rumor circulating is that Brittany ‘experimented sexually’ with Kristen on the side. Is it possible for Kristen to NOT CHEAT? She spent several seasons screaming that Ariana Madix is a home wrecking whore for kissing Tom 1 while they were together. I’m just gonna go out on a limb here to ascertain that Kristen does not know the meaning of the word “hypocrite”?

Jax is not happy being working and living with Brittany – it’s too much togetherness. He means that SUR used to be a refuge, where he could flirt with other women, get drunk, and do all his misdeeds behind Lisa Vanderpump‘s closed doors, but now Brittany is right there looming over him, like the mean mommy, who also expects him to put-out. Jax must sabotage, so he tells Tom 1 that he came home at 2am and walked in on Kristen eating clam chowder with Brittany.

So that’s a way to open the season, right?! We are now entering Lala Land [insert image of palm tree vagina here].

Tom can believe it, because there was once a time when Kristen and Jax hooked up right behind Tom’s back. Later when Tom recounts the story to Ariana she laughs, “You can’t go to sleep around Kristen!” and decrees that Kristen will henceforth renounce her given name of “Krazy Kristen” to be re-baptized “Kunnilingus Kristen.” Or as Yolanda Foster once asked, if that was a special way the Japanese have of preparing oysters.


Of course Tom also imparts this tale to Lisa, who is far less surprised than she should be. Poooooor Jax – no one feels bad that he got Jax’d or is it Kristen’d? I’d just like to reiterate, for the umpteenth time, that Jax and Kristen are soul mates. When they have exhausted every other available person in the Greater-LA area with their drama, they will at the ripe old age of say, 45, get drunk and head to Vegas for a all-night wedding chapel, where Kristen will say I DO in a toilet paper bridal gown, pronounced man and wife by an Elvis Impersonator. I imagine they’ll be very happy together. Maybe Jax will even graduate to bartending at Villa Blanca!

It’s the night of the OK! Magazine party. This is “like the SUR Christmas party” and the most important event of the year. Stassi and Kristen get ready together while Kristen waxes poetic about how much she loves Carter, who actually splits bills 60/40 – I think she means Carter covers the booze tab.

Stassi bemoans that she and Patrick breakup every other day. She has no clue how a stellar and mature person such as herself is in an unstable relationship while Kristen is living with a man who buys wine. Stassi’s overly inflated ego continues to be one of my favorite things about this show.

Scheana and Katie are disgusted that Lala and James Kennedy will also be attending. Katie makes sure they’re sitting at a separate table. She doesn’t think it’s fair that Lala is allowed to be in the same room as her after all the horrible things Lala said about her, and how she ruined her engagement party.

I’m already exhausted by the self-constructed feud Katie has against Lala. Katie and Scheana, and Kristen said and did plenty of heinous stuff to Lala – including accusing her of being a prostitute, so they can shut-it!

James is back at SUR after being temporarily remanded to PUMP, but he’s doing OK – this week. Lisa congratulates him on keeping his drinking under control even while his parents are going through a divorce. James is 25, and doesn’t live at home, but he’s crying because his dad left his mom?

Stassi, Kristen, and Tom 2

Tom 2 is forced to be the third-wheel in a Kristen/Stassi sandwich that is basically all mayonnaise and pickles while waiting for Katie. It’s actually more like being the third wheel of a Flintstone car. Kristen and Stassi henpeck Tom 2 like he’s their own fiancé and lecture him for trying to have his own opinion. When will Tom 2 learn that he will lose for trying? To try injecting sanity or rationale into this group will only leave him emotionally unfulfilled. That’s why Tom 1 looked outside the nucleus to find a mate, and look how contented he and Ariana seem; getting dressed together in the ladies bathroom of SUR, discussing wardrobe options, gossiping, and then Tom counseling her on how to navigate steps through the harrowing high heels and super tight skirt combo.

Of course by the time Tom and Ariana arrive at the OK! party there has already been incident. Or should I call it a Jamesident.

Before James and Lala arrived there was already a grouse in the air. Jax was telling everyone about Kristen and Brittany’s extracurricular hookup. Kristen implied it happened and told him to stop talking about it, but Brittany insists it was only a kiss and demands Jax stop talking about it. She’s right – if your own boyfriend is spreading rumors about you, you’re relationship is probably terrible!

In the middle of that debacle, in strolls James with Lala. James can’t restrain himself from waltzing over to the ‘Popular’ table to taunt them about their thickening skulls, thickening clique, and in some cases, thickening midsections (but diminishing noses!). It wasn’t like James received a welcome reception or anything – quite the contrary, in fact Stassi and Katie screeched at them to get away like the grouchy old lady neighbor who throws things at your cat when it comes into her yard.


James loves a challenge. Or rather James loves negative attention – or anything attention at all, actually, so even acknowledging his presence by telling him how much he sucks fills him with a levitating glee like a kid with a sugar high. James starts mixing a drink while Lala snarks to the girls, “I see you’ve been working on your summer bodies.” James congratulates Katie on her pregnancy. Really it wasn’t a good look for anybody.

Scheana tries to physically shove James away from their table, and he retaliates by pretending to jerk-off a vodka-cranberry and sloshing the “results” all over their table, before scurrying away.

Jax, cannot contain himself. He has the impulse control of the Incredible Hulk on meth, and chases after James wanting to fight. Stassi and Katie chase after Lala, and then Kristen screams in Lala’s face until she is like “Bye Hellacia.” Stassi says it’s the most embarrassing moment of her life. She has a short memory. And also low-standards. And delusions of grandeur.

There are no winners here, but this group is really unsightly mean to Lala – and always has been. For Katie to declare that she gave Lala a chance?

After that is when Tom and Ariana arrive, ready to have fun, and confronted by accusations that they’re to blame for simply trying to stay neutral. They’re shocked by what transpired in the 2 hours it was taking them to style Tom’s hair. “I just saw them…” Ariana begins, intending to say and it didn’t seem like James and Lala weren’t going to start trouble, but Tequila Katie cuts her off and yells at Ariana for taking Lala’s side and being a bad friend.

That’s when Tom 2, who hasn’t really said BOO this whole time – not while James called Katie prego, or Lala called her fat, but when Katie starts going in on Tom and Ariana over nothing. Tom 2 has concerns – now that Katie is hanging out with Stassi and Kristen again she’s backsliding into Stassi’s minion; drinking all the time, being a hateful mean girl, and starting fights. Tom 2 is disappointed that he reunited Katie and Stassi. Reap what you sow, little noodle!

Apparently the reason no one likes Lala is that she’s f–king a married man, who happens to be the friend of someone Stassi knows, and as we know, none of Scheana Marie‘s friends will tolerate homewrecking hoes! Ariana doesn’t want to be party to rumors any more than she wants to be subjected to group-think, so with frienemies like these, she’d rather sit alone – or go home with Tom. Also she at least can trust that she’ll never come home to Kristen going down on him!

James cries

Tom 1 is left to console a waffling James, who starts bawling into his shoulder about his parents divorce and insisting that Tom would never stand for a fat girlfriend.

Katie is going to be Lisa’s assistant one day a week to help with all Lisa’s upcoming events.  Katie visits Villa Rosa to spill her whine about all the awful horrible, atrocious things James and Lala did and said.

Lisa is disappointed. Then gets down to the business of psychoanalyzing and lecturing James at SUR. Dr. Lisa diagnoses that James is so afraid of being unnoticed by the cameras he goes out of his way to taunt and provoke, just to reaffirm that he’s worthy of attention. Projecting his childhood onto the unmotherly arms of Team Stassi will always leave one more f–ked up than they started, though!

Lisa sees James as a male-version of Kristen, someone who cannot stop cutting off her nose to spite her face, as she warns him – for the umpteenth time – that he’s on his last chance.

Jax thinks Brittany cheated

Meanwhile Jax and Brittany have moved into a decent apartment, but that’s about the only thing good in their relationship. Jax won’t stop mentioning the Brittany/Kristen hook-up until Brittany threatens to move back to Kentucky. She does realize that’s what he’s hoping for? Oh Brittany, you and your country muffin just got bit by the Jax. And Jax is laughing all the way to Tinder about his ‘karma’.

Meanwhile Katie has Stassi, Kristen, and Scheana over for a little wedding planning, which instantly turns to bitching mercilessly about Lala while Tom 2 looks on, saddened by what he sees. He thought he’d be marrying a WO-MAN, but instead he’s marrying his high school worst nightmare and her cronies, and he’ll be stuck with 3 cackling sister wives treating him like their wine-fetching bitch. Is it too late to save Tom?

James and Lala feel no remorse for suggesting a beach body workout, because Stassi is a “bitch” and Katie is a “blob” and Scheana is married to a silent lurch who pretend she matters. Is that better or worse than being an alien?


[Photo Credits: Bravo]