Lyme Disease, Housen-Mousen, Owning It, Oh my! You know what that means? Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is back.
Tonight marks the season 7 premiere of Bravo’s wealthiest and most over-the-top Housewives, and I could not be more excited. Especially after the dark, dreary, and twisted turn last season took, courtesy of one lady, and her lemons, her Lymes, and her lack of love!
To prepare for what’s to come let’s revisit all the highs and lows from season 6!
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She Came, She Saw, She Conquered Many Pusses:
Season 6 welcomed a Housewife who was outrageous in all the right ways! That would be Erika Girardi. An unconventional trophy wife with an alter ego named Erika Jayne, a heart of ice-cold platinum, and a puss probably made of 24k gold, Erika played cool and coy and didn’t hesitate to tell Bethenny Frankel where she could shake her weak-ass margarita. Maybe it’s cause Erika knew she was dully protected by her superstar attorney husband Tom?
While Erika excelled at dropping it like it’s hot, she also wasn’t about dropping Yolanda Foster when the going got tough. Erika remained Yolanda’s loyal and steadfast sidekick against the Lyme-versity, even lying on Yo’s behalf and suggesting that LVP spun complicated webs in which to ensnare her allies and enemies alike!
It seems Erika has learned from her mistakes and this season isn’t about to do no lady’s bidding!
These Are The Days Of Our Lymes:
Without a doubt the major storyline from last season was Yolanda and her ever-curious Lyme disease diagnosis. I don’t care to bore you with the particulars, save to say that Yolanda put on her death mask (aka she skipped makeup), and trotted her symptoms out in full-force, wrapped in the white bathrobe of resistance.
Yolanda then revealed that two of her children, Bella and Anwar, were also afflicted with Chronic Lyme. When Lisa Vanderpump claimed no knowledge of this despite her close friendship with Yolanda’s ex Mohamed, Yolanda accused her former friend of lying about her and her children.
Be warned: Yolanda’s vault is filled with more iciness than her crystal fridge!
Housen-Mousen-Munchausen-Manipulating:
Does Lisa Rinna think Yolanda was faking Lyme Disease for attention? Did LVP “manipulate” Lipsa into making said accusations on camera with an unseen phone call full of suggestive statements. Was Kyle dragged into it or down with it or alongside?
Yolanda wants it known that her disease, and all her alternative treatments, are very, very legit and serious. As serious as a closet full of meds and full-time live-in mini-me health advocate named Daisy.
Does Lisa put hallucogenics in her rose bushes? Memory erasing potions in her bottomless cups of tea? Is she capable of convincing lesser Lisa’s of using their lips for evil not good? One may never know, but the bottom line is this: You said it Lipsa, so don’t get all pernicious on LVP – own it!
You Say Affair; I Say Apology:
Things started out so promising for Eileen Davidson, but things went horribly awry when she started drinking the Lyme-Aid! It would be Eileen who put the idea into Lipsa’s bobbly-head that perhaps, just perhaps, it was LVP who was using her… It all began in the luxurious backdrop of the Hamptons, at a hotspot hotel during an ubiquitous white party stolen from beneath the kaftans of Kyle.
LVP blithely probed Eileen for details of how her affair with Vinnie led to a long and lasting marriage. Eileen took affront to LVP’s tone, and also questioned the end-goal of LVP’s enquiry. Eileen wanted an apology from her so-called friend: again, and again, and again. Like the actress she is, Eileen demanded a retake until LVP got it perfect. Maybe someday…
Kaftans, Kims, And Kyles:
After Kim Richards‘s sobriety collapsed, so too did her relationship with Kyle Richards.
Kim took a Housewives hiatus to get help, or at the very least, to go on Target shopping sprees and rehab flees, leaving behind Kyle to answer the unanswerable questions about the Kurious misbehaviors of Kim Killah. Kyle had no answers. Thankfully, she turned to LVP for guidance and support, sweeping all their past disagreements under the boughs of Kyle’s mumu and heading off to Italy on a friendship rekindling trek.
While Lisa and Kyle‘s friendship was a pleasant distraction from the Lyme, lies, and lack of alibis, one place Kyle’s family wasn’t welcome, was niece Nicky Hilton‘s wedding!
Thankfully, Kyle and Kim managed to have a heart-to-heart and patch things up-ish, but Lipsa is still playing like Eileen and waiting for acknowledgement or an apology from Kim! Maybe someday…
The Great Recasting:
Ding-Dong the witches are back in the Valley! Bravo finally cleaned house, relieving Brandi Glanville and Kim of their toxic duties. Luckily, Lipsa, Eileen, and YoLymeaid were available to offer vitamin IVs, metallic tooth detoxify, used bags of silicone implants, and cryogenic brain freezes to spread around the bad juju!
My King Is Missing:
Remember when David Foster’s face appeared on the side of a milk carton searching for a missing bank account husband? Or maybe it was on the side of a vitamin bottle that we spied his aggrieved face? Yolanda’s Lyme-brain made it impossible to recall when she last felt the love from David, where he was laying his head, or when their marriage ended – just in case she filed for divorce at the start of last season, shocking the hell out of all who’d heard her spiel about worshiping her king as she sprawled across his piano wearing impeccable white Lululemon.
But those were the days before Lyme seized hold of Yolanda’s very existence, putting her in a constant perilous struggle for survival, only cured by David’s money an amazing race around the globe for the cure.
Lipsa later speculated that Yolanda’s symptoms miraculously increased the second she moved into that divorce condo and out of the Malibu mansion of David’s loving embrace.
The Prettiest Little Horses In The Hills:
Then there was that time LVP chartered a private jet to pick up mini ponies for Ken Todd‘s birthday. Those tiny horses weren’t quite right so she had some more hand delivered at Villa Rosa with matching mini pony barn.
Cause what do you get the 70-year-old man who has everything, including a hip replacement? Why miniature horses the color of rosé, of course!
Arabian Fights:
The ladies traveled to Dubai for what was arguably one of the most fabulous Housewives trips ever. Unfortunately most of their time in the city of sand, sun, and shopping was spent arguing about Lyme, Lies, and Loose Lips. Maybe everyone had sand in their mind?
LVP would not be backed into a corner about conspiring with Kyle about Yolanda, or that she “suggested” someone – postulate that Yolanda may not be as Lyme afflicted as her little heart desired. Lipsa and Eileen gave it a valiant try, prying an admission of guilt out of LVP is like prying the Lyme out of Yolanda!
Does Anyone Care What Faye Has To Say?
New Housewife Kathryn Edwards had a bone to pick with Kyle’s erstwhile morally corrupt BFF, Faye Resnick. Unfortunately, when Kathryn finally got the opportunity to confront her decades-long enemy for lies Faye spread in her memoir, Kathryn withered under Faye’s nuclear orange glow. I really never care to see Faye again. Unfortunately, I’m sure we won’t ever get our wish…
When Kathryn wasn’t pondering how to enact revenge on Faye, her bad hearing was causing her problems with the Girardis. First, she miss-represented Erika’s analysis that LVP was a spider, and Kathryn’s bickering with Erika turned into cross-examining Tom.
Luckily Kathrine and Erika were able to wade in the big girl pool to put their issues behind them, but it wasn’t enough to save Kathryn’s place in the cast. Neither Kathryn nor Yolanda will be returning this season, but Erika is back!
TELL US – WHAT WAS YOUR BEST AND WORST MEMORY FROM RHOBH SEASON 6?
[All Photo Credits: Bravo]
