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Lisa Vanderpump

Here’s what the women of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills don’t get: We do want a fabulous story – even if it means running over the “dead bodies” of dull Housewives filled with overly-inflated hubrises. If Lisa Vanderpump wants to be the metaphorical “Dexter” of Bravo, then by all means, do. Especially if it means I, as a viewer, get more exposure to diamonds and mini horses, than I do IV fluids and arguments about nothing. This show is supposed to be about glamour, which is why I don’t mind Kyle Richards wearing a ballgown to her BBQ and having it catered by a team of gourmet George Foreman Grill experts. We can get paper plates, hot dogs, and beer in our own backyards!

Eileen Davidson may label it “manipulative” (a word she has uttered so many times I swear someone at Merriam-Webster is paying her to make it a ‘thing’. Or maybe she just learned it and is over-eager to just drop it like it’s hot. It’s not.), but what Eileen fails to comprehend is what the viewers crave and expect from a show ostensibly about the lives of the uber-rich. This is not Unsolved Mysteries – we don’t care about ‘finding the truth’ or uncovering facts. We want glitter and we want it NOW! 

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE!

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Also, how dumb do Lisa Rinna and Eileen look whining that, at aged 50+ (and looking fabulous), they’ve been so-called “manipulated” by their peer? Honestly! It’s worse to admit you’re so susceptible to the purr of a British accent, husking from the window of Bentley, “suggesting” or “encouraging” you to throw another friend under her wheels that you go along with it! COME ON, ladies. Eileen may have won an Emmy for acting in soaps, but she gets a Razzie for reality TV performances. Does David Foster have one of those?! If so, Yo probably got in the divorce settlement. 

Also, color me as blankly confused as a nee Hadid, nee Foster, nu-Hadid wardrobe, but what the hell is Lipsa’s and Eileen’s argument with LVP even about? That Lipsa got to be the voice for the viewers – and we would have cheered her on – after LVP handed her the wand and said ‘Do with this what you will’? If Lipsa had played her cards right (that flashback to Poker Night reminded us that she is awful at playing cards), she would have gotten to carry that wand over the finish line. Instead, she’s basically accusing LVP of being the Tonya Harding to her Nancy Kerrigan. It makes less sense than Yolanda Foster‘s ‘journey’. 

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So let’s dive in – oh, there isn’t much; just a bunch of regurgitated mush about Yolanda and her ever-potent Lyme.  Yolanda, in her bandage and gauze dress (#NeverForget #LymeJourney), walking off stage in a tear-less huff – another part of her journey? – because she can’t handle hearing that LVP tried to use her illness as a storyline. Backstage, Daisy, Yolanda’s “health advocate” and Erika Girardi, Yolanda’s reunion advocate, soothe her. Kinda ironic that Yolanda, the self-proclaimed expert of everything, needs so many people to babysit her. Maybe she needs to get on board with a Depends endorsement since it takes an entire stage of overly-pampered Housewives to wipe Yolanda’s ass, and it’s still insufficient.

Kyle says she never heard LVP say, “There goes the f–king storyline.” 

Yolanda returns. Andy wonders who she believes: LVP or Lipsa. Smirking because she gets to choose the worse of her two Hollywood Friends, Yolanda decides to lecture LVP about how she’s always been a manipulator, “You can’t run over dead bodies to get a great show.”

[Th-Thump – that’s the sound of LVP’s Bentley cruising over Eileen and Yolanda’s attempt to run her off this show, barely jostling LVP’s hair in the process. In fact, Kyle, siting in the passenger seat and practically levitating with glee, leaned her head out the window, wondering, ‘Are there potholes in Bel Air? What was that?’ LVP, brushing away a Pom fluff with a diamond-laden hand, replied, ‘Oh, mmmm, I believe that was a speed bump. I barely felt anything. I would kill for a glass of rosé – how about you, darling?’.]

Eileen and Lipsa murmur about about how “they feel bad” for LVP? Or maybe Yolanda

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Next, Yolanda lectures Lipsa for repeating the conversation about Munchausen publicly. Lipsa tries to deflect onto LVP, who refuses to own any part of it. A flustered Lipsa stalks off to the side of the stage for a time-out. Later, during the break, she sits next to Yolanda to “sincerely apologize” hoping they can move forward from these dark days and find the “silver lining.” 

Eileen, who has never met a manipulator she likes and really ought to spend more time with the woman in the mirror (fixing that 1992 Baywatch hair), whispers to Kathryn Edwards, “I know you don’t believe it, but she’s behind it,” meaning LVP and the Munchasuen. Luckily, Kathryn left her hearing aids at home. Foiled again, Eileen!

Andy wonders about LVP’s assertion that Mohamed said Bella and Anwar are fine, and why LVP brought it up. Correction: KYLE brought it up. Yolanda is quick to gleefully interject that LVP and Mohamed aren’t friends anymore. LVP says Mohamed has since realized he over-reacted, and now their relationship is fine. “We’re working on rebuilding.” Translation: Yolanda told Mo a bunch of lies about LVP supposedly talking shit about the kids. Mohamed probably never believed Yo, but for the sake of appeasing her, pretended to be mad at LVP. After Mohamed watched the show, he realized Yo was once again exaggerating. 

LVP explains the first time she ever heard of Bella and Anwar having Lyme is when Kyle mentioned it and was shocked. “I can only assume Mohamed didn’t want me to know,” she demurs. Yolanda, OUTING HERSELF IN ANOTHER LIE, admits she called Mohamed, who confirmed that he told LVP the kids are “fine.” Poor Yolanda – that Lyme Brain still not at 100%! Lisa believes that Mohamed probably didn’t want to talk about it with her – which is his his prerogative – and that’s why she refused to look at the medical records Yolanda tried to shove in her face. 

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Yolanda is incensed that Kyle involved Lisa at the BBQ, because she had already given her the information. Kyle argues that it’s not offensive to ask a family friend how the kids are doing – especially after Yolanda had made their health issues public by discussing them ON TV. SHUT UP YOLANDA! Andy rolls his eyes. Good lord – there’s a coconut in the Lyme and they’re both rotten! 

We all know in real life, Mo and LVP decided to not discuss their friendship with Yo and pretended they weren’t interacting. Meanwhile, Mo and David are celebrating #LifeWithoutLyme at PUMP. Lyme-freetini, anyone?! All proceeds go to the Free The Viewers Of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills fund! 

Yolanda ‘cries’ again – with nary a tear in sight – about how “painful” it is to have her journey mocked and speculated upon! No one visited her! No one took care of her! No one understands what she’s seen in Lyme clinics – people have sold their homes to pay for their children’s treatments. I so, SO wish one of the women would have asked how much of Mo and David’s money Yolanda has donated to those families? Instead, she probably encouraged them to hire a health advocate, watch her on TV, and follow her journey on Instagram, where she is sick-selfie-ing from private jets and detox dieting in bikinis to raise awareness! #AffordableForAll 

Actually, KYLE cried. Lipsa held Yolanda’s hand and LVP squeezed her arm in a warning death grip. Is this over yet? Let’s just get Yolanda her own label access channel: All Yolanda, All the time on Narcissism TV, channel 666!

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Then, Kim Richards appears, rambling through her litany of denials and refusing to discuss her arrests or shoplifting. Icky stuff!

My Recovery has become the new My Sobriety. And guess what – Kim isn’t talking about My Recovery so you’re not allowed to either! But Kim does ramble about how Lipsa should take accountability for everything in Kim’s life going wrong. Lipsa apologizes for making harsh comments about Kim – actually, she apologized to Kyle, her friend! –  but she’s not apologizing for her feelings. “I’m only human except for my lips,” she shrugs. “I wish you well! That’s all I got for you, Kim.”  

Kim can accept that, but not Yolanda! Yolanda tells Lipsa, Eileen, and even KYLE! how they are judgmental and lack compassion for a human being suffering. I love the irony of Yolanda judging on other people for being judgmental. Andy smirks at Yo’s arrogance.

Eileen tries to explain that Kim’s behavior at Poker Night was the red flag, but no one was looking for a problem. Of course Yolanda keeps interrupting her. “Can I please speak,” Eileen snaps. Yolanda clutches her pearls at Eileen’s impudence. Funny how quickly it’s revealed that Eileen and Lipsa have no love for Yolanda. At. All. If ever there was ‘Hollywood friendship’… Meanwhile, Kathryn was the only person who expressed real emotions over Kim’s addiction. Kathryn is sweet, but she also hasn’t had to deal with KimKillah!

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Lipsa doesn’t want to discuss her issues with Kim because she has moved on. Andy finds it hilarious that all season Lipsa has made so many “inflammatory” statements, but is now dismissing them flippantly with a “that was then and this is now.” Dismissing everything except how LVP is manipulative. Lipsa’s definition of “owning it” is very confusing. Basically “Everything that comes from my lips was put there by someone else or is full of hypocrisy.” 

Kim informs Eileen that life is not a soap opera, so she should stop “over-acting.” Eileen tosses her hair Ashley Abbott style and scoffs. Kim really shouldn’t be lecturing anyone on reality. Obviously, Kim is still in denial about her own reality (being a “professional carpet sweeper-under” and all). Andy says good-bye to KimKillah, and then Eileen gets her moment in the sun to tell LVP, for the 100th time, that she didn’t get a sincere apology and that LVP is manipulative. 

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Eileen wasn’t mad that LVP asked about the affair, she was mad that LVP didn’t react as a friend when Eileen explained that Lisa’s comments hurt her feelings. LVP was “taken aback” because Eileen confronted her two days later. Andy wonders why Eileen didn’t just shut LVP down at the table, but Eileen insists she was shocked by the questions, and suspicious of LVP. After she confronted LVP, at Lipsa’s urging, and LVP reacted defensively instead of with compassion, Eileen realized that LVP had an ulterior motive and the aggressive questions about her “affair” were meant to unsettle her. “Frankly, I just don’t trust you,” huffs Eileen. “The way you reacted to me, just really set me off.” 

After seeing LVP tell Kyle and Kathryn in Dubai that when she finally apologized for hurting Eileen’s feelings just to get the matter to drop, Eileen cheers that she feels vindicated because she knew all along LVP was intentionally being shady in the Hamptons. Andy thinks the entire issue was a miscommunication and LVP confesses that she really and truly didn’t realize why Eileen was so offended.

Lipsa translates: Eileen’s frustration came from not feeling seen, heard, or understood by LVP, who interpreted it as a rebuke when Eileen confronted her, instead of Eileen just trying to explain her feelings. 

Kyle insists that LVP’s questioning wasn’t malicious, but Eileen disagrees. To be snarky, LVP apologizes to Eileen, for everything. “I’m sorry you felt misunderstood.” “I apologize for not reacting properly.” “I’m sorry you find me manipulative.” Check. MATE. BOOM!

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Part two concludes with LVP explaining why she didn’t share her own abusive history in the Hamptons. Eileen felt LVP’s post-episode reveal in her blog, coupled with a statement that she didn’t want to rehash it, was “dismissive.” Andy pushes for details, so Lisa reveals she was 19, and it was an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. One time he physically hurt her. She starts to cry, but tries to stop herself. No one bothered trying to comfort LVP. 

TELL US – DOES LVP TAKE THINGS TOO FAR FOR GOOD TV? MOST MANIPULATIVE: LVP, YOLANDA, OR EILEEN? ARE MO AND LVP STILL FRIENDS? 

Photo Credit: Bravo

 

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