Real Housewives of Beverly Hills season finale

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Season Finale Recap: Nutters

Last nightā€™sĀ season finale of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was brought to you by the words ā€œwowā€ (somebody stole Maruicioā€™s G*d-D*mned word!) and ā€œinherently.ā€ And everyone was mad at Dorit Kemsley or Lisa Rinna. Or PK ā€“ which duh.

The point of Lisa Vanderpumpā€˜s party was less about rose and more about settling squabblesĀ and investigating motivations. Is Erika GirardiĀ ā€œcoldā€ or was she merelyĀ hurt by Dorit? Is Lipsa trying to hide something that caused her to lash out at Dorit? Did a golden goose poop on Doritā€™s head or was there a golden feather in her cap?

The ā€œAmnesia Seasonā€ came to an endĀ with the womenĀ bickering dressed like Barbies. ItĀ was amusingly perfectĀ because basically every argumentĀ was made of plastic and came from Hong Kong. Eden SassoonĀ wore a freaking bridal gown from the Disney Princess Collection, stayed up way past her bedtime, ate too many sweets, and thenĀ threw a tantrum!

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Lipsa bops around the party, almost flippantly, to all the various people who canā€™t stand her, then laughing too loudly in their faces, and saying ā€œwooooow.ā€ For all the people sheā€™s bothered, Lipsa appeared nonchalantly unbothered.

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With so much drama in the B, itā€™s kinda hard beinā€™Ā Lisa L-I-Double-P. She kinda likes it that way ā€“ coming up with crazy ish every day. Yeah. Lipsaā€™s rollinā€™ down the street, buying shoes, sippinā€™ on ā€˜Xax and Smooth. Laid back (with her mind on her QVC moneyĀ and her QVC money on her mind). To quote Snoop, ā€œRaise up off these N-U-Ts, cause you gets none of these.ā€ Lipsa says LVP has no power over her, but maybe she ought to let LVP take over ā€“ since Rinna seemingly has no power over herself! Sheā€™s a hot mess of impulsive outbursts, crazy mood swings, andĀ TMIs about birth canals and pies and butt waxing.

I do agree withĀ Dorit and LVP,Ā there is something sort of likable about Lipsa. Inherently likable? The gist of it is that sheā€™s a great acquaintance ā€“ a fun laugh at a party, but do you want her to be your bestie? Well, ask, Eileen Davidson.

Dorit wonders, though, if Lipsa is actually crazy ā€“ like a nutter, who perhaps has multiple personalities, because when you crack that nut you never know whatā€™s inside! Will it be Lisa or Lipsa? Dorit attempting to solve the mystery of the real Lipsa while wearing a candy wrapper on her head was actually kinda fun. Especially whileĀ ErikaĀ solved for why Dorit thinks she flashed PKĀ on purpose while wearing a My Little Pony wig. It took us like 18 episodes to arrive here, but arrive we did. And the drapes do not match the carpet.

Ponies!

Erika always has to take it up a notch. She canā€™t just wear giant hair and diamonds. It has to be a pink mane. Then one of LVPā€™s ponies bit her. HA.

LVP and Eileen have bonded-ishĀ over loving dogs, being humans, and possibly, I dunno, manipulating drama from a distance. Are they dueling for the controlling interest in Rinna? Perhaps.

While everyone is mad at Lisa, sheā€™s onlyĀ annoyed withĀ Eden,Ā because it wasĀ Eden who tattledĀ that Dorit was spreading the Xanax gossip, yet Eden didnā€™t defend Rinna in Hong Kong. Eden whines that sheā€™s not a troublemaker, but yeah, she is. And a nutter as well. She acts all zen withĀ Dr. Eden, but itā€™s nonsense.

Preparing for battle, Dorit wore her special gildedĀ toupeĀ to LVPā€™sĀ party, whichĀ looked like a swim cap youā€™d find at a princeā€™s palace in Dubai, and her hair looked weirdly wet, too. What DoritĀ really needs is one of Yolandaā€™s treatments to remove metallic toxins because Dorit is feeling very off. Hong Kong left herĀ depleted, exhausted, and confused. So confused, she turns to RamblesĀ for adviceĀ in dealing with Rinna.

Dorit and Kim wonder if Rinna is projecting-for-protecting? Was Kim right all alongā€¦ is there something in Lipsaā€™s marriage that sheā€™s trying to hide (She is bored and Harry Hamlin would rather stare at his own reflection while listening to himself talk than attend QVC tapings)?

Kim and Dorit

Alas, Rambles, the poor victim, has been there.Ā Then Kim goesĀ all around the party, waving her e-cigarette and showing off photos of her grandson, laced withĀ how much she hates Lisa. Obviously, Eileen had to get involved, because thatā€™s what Eileen does. Actually I like Eileen. I mean, she has her moments. Like when she told PK ā€œjust stopā€ and called him out for being rude. Thank you. But generally, Eileen needs to drink a Xanax Smoothie, pet a pony, and chill with the mother hen routine. LVP will call you when she gets pink glitter chickens. You know thatā€™s coming next,Ā and they really will lay golden eggs (just preferablyĀ not on Doritā€™s head).

I actually feel about Dorit, the wayĀ Dorit and LVP feel about Lipsa: Thereā€™s something about her thatā€™s likable (but is she inherently likable?), but sheā€™sĀ also somewhat untrustworthy and inconsistent.Ā Do I like Dorit, or do I donā€™t Dorit? To DoritĀ or Not To Dorit? (DefinitelyĀ notĀ PK).

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I know that I do notĀ LIKE Lipsa, but I think sheā€™s a great villain. And I really REALLY DO NOTĀ like Kim Rambles Richards, andĀ her pathetic PERSECUTION BY LISA RINNA crusade is just, well, pathetic. Go home and introduce your grandson to your werepuppy, and please do not try to evoke the names ā€œYolanda Fosterā€ and ā€œBrandi Glanvilleā€ attached toĀ any attempt to gain sympathy for all the ā€˜innocentā€™ people Lipsa has wronged. Thatā€™s like saying oh, well, Martha Stewart is totally being bullied by Gwyneth Paltrow, as in theyā€™reĀ both so terrible it doesnā€™t matter. (OK, so I secretly love them both, which is so not how I feel about Brandi or Yolanda).

Well, anyway, I like DoritĀ and I donā€™t. Dorit doesnā€™t back down. That I appreciate. She articulates herself well, and she doesnā€™t yell or insult people in conflicts ā€“ she remains composed. What I donā€™t like is that she doesĀ start a bunch of shit, then denies it or claims she canā€™t remember, but she apologizes regardless in some trumped up Housewife way of ā€œIā€™m sorry if your feelings were hurtā€¦ā€. Itā€™sĀ basically the same thing Rinna does; after getting called out, she ā€œowns it,ā€ and it sounds all sincere, but then she does it again.

Kim involves herself in Dorit/Lisa Rinna drama

While mingling,Ā Lipsa overheard Dorit, Kim, LVP, and KyleĀ discussingĀ her. Erika tried to get her to go over, but instead Rinna told Eileen, andĀ Eileen immediately summons Kyle for answers. Quickly it is discovered that Kim heard from Dorit about what happened in Hong Kong and itā€™s given renewed fervor to her vendetta. HA ā€“ thisĀ proves Lisa wasnā€™t really sorry when she apologized toĀ Kim! Cause itā€™s about Kim how?

LVP encourages DoritĀ to go address Lisa, whichĀ turns into a tribunal of WHAT LISA HAS DONE. Instead of letting Dorit have her moment ā€“ and I think Dorit was really holding her own! ā€“ Kim and LVPĀ tryĀ make it aboutĀ what Lisa has done to them, but Dorit will not be driven off course. Thankfully. DoritĀ has a quest to find out why Lisa can take her innocuous questions about possible Xanax abuse and elevate them into salacious rumors about her marriage and dinner parties! In response,Ā Lisa tries to make it about what Dorit has done to Erika. Cause ā€œdeflectionā€ ā€“ thank you for that psych word Kyle. Have you been attending Dr. Edenā€˜s seminars?

Dorit and Lisa Rinna

While arguing, Dorit and Lisa were both sort of veering into each otherā€™s faces, butĀ Lipsa got too close and Dorit had a scary flashback to finger-in-your-face-Hong Kong!Ā The poor love ā€“ sheā€™sĀ been up close and personal with enough Housewives: patting pusses, piles of pillsā€¦Ā and declared,Ā ā€œIf I can smell your breath ā€“ youā€™re too close!ā€ Lisa said, ā€œWooooow.ā€ Thatā€™s whenĀ Dorit realizes that Rinna is basically justĀ a ā€œreal fā€“king nutter.ā€ And thatā€™s that. Nuts give you energy, though, which Dorit needed for round 2000 with Erika over pantygate. LE SIGH.

Does Erika, honestly, truly, believe PK and Dorit think she flashed them on purpose? Obviously, PKā€™s offhand comment about that was lewd, gross, and beyond inappropriate, but Erika canā€™t possibly believe they actually believeĀ this, right?

Dorit blames Eileen for running pantygate through the wash over and over again, mixing her intentions with the wrong load, and making Erika think she ruined everything on purpose. Then PK finds himself surrounded by women and TV cameras, and it was as if heā€™d died and gone to heaven.

PK & Erika

This argument between Erika and PK was just ridiculous. Besides the fact of why was PK even involved, it went from panties, to whether or not Erika is merely cold or ā€œinherently cold,ā€ back to panties, to whether or not Dorit apologized ā€“ Erika doesnā€™t remember OF COURSE, back to whether or not PK and Dorit believe Erika was flashing them on purpose, to whose fault it is that Erika is cold and who is rude. Finally, Eileen told PK to ā€œjust stopā€ and he apologized to Erika over panties.

With that, Erika and Dorit FINALLY had a sincere moment where Erika admitted her feelings had been hurt, but instead of being bad-ass and pussy power enough to confront her feelings, she projected inherent coldness onto Dorit. And Dorit was able to acknowledge that she mishandled the situation and make Erika understand that it most certainly was unintentional.

Sheesh ā€“ Erika is the new Eileen. Accept the apology and move on! Still, it was nice to see Erika and Dorit end on a goodĀ note, and perhaps take the tentative steps towards a possible friendship.

Just when it seems all the drama has been laid to pasture where the ponies poop sparkles, Eden decides she muuuustĀ let Lipsa know howĀ she feels abandoned. Unfortunately, the moment Eden tattled to LVP about the Kimmess, Lisa decided she was ā€œDONEā€!

Eden goes off on Lisa Rinna

EdenĀ wanted Lisa to stroke her little tutu-covered ego, wipe away her tears, and let her know that everything would be ALL RIGHT. But in Lipsa-Land, itā€™s every gangstaĀ for herself.Ā Edenā€™s zen evaporated immediately. SheĀ feels sooooo betrayed! She gave Lipsa EVERYTHING, and all she got in return was Lipsa beingĀ a bitch!

Ugh ā€“ that whole tiradeĀ seemed fake, like Eden realizedĀ the clock was about to strike midnight and sheĀ had to do something dramatic to create a lasting memory beforeĀ fleeing into the night andĀ turning back into a lowly ā€˜Friend of the Real Housewives.ā€™ There was no actual emotion despiteĀ all her yelling about heartbreak. Obviously, considering thatĀ she and Rinna were barely friends! You knowĀ if Lisa found a glass slipper, sheā€™d totally just keep it.

Also, poorĀ Kyle, she couldnā€™t do a split in her jumpsuit. SheĀ tried but, in the most devastating moment of her adult life, she got stuck in a low squat. Later, while trying to snuggle LVP, she accidentally sat on a thorny golden puffball. Isnā€™t that just the perfect analogy for their friendship? Screw golden eggs ā€“ if LVP had chickens, thatā€™s what theyā€™d lay.

TELL US ā€“ DO YOU THINK THE TRUCE BETWEEN ERIKA AND DORIT WILL LAST? SHOULD PK HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED? WTF IS UP WITH LISA RINNA?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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