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Lisa Rinna knows many, many things: she knows Harry Hamlin is a pie-making, grey-haired demigod, she knows that her dog Lola has magical powers of mind control, she knows that shopping saves lives, she knows that if she stands before giant murals of rainbow-colored angel wings she can a least look like she’s good, and she knows that gold is her color. But what Lisa Rinna doesn’t know, and wants to find out, is if Dorit Kemlsey was doing coke in the bathroom. So these are the days of our Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills.

And just think – this is not even the plot of the real-life soap opera Eileen Davidson stars in!

As far as dinner parties from hell, or vacations from hell go, the ladies of RHOBH reign supreme. As they do in so many instances. Hong Kong is no exception. Right after Erika Girardi finishes preaching at Eileen with her Tammy Faye Baker eyes, and just as everyone is finally – finally – tucking into their soup course, Lipsa ever-so-brightly inquires if Dorit was serving cocaine at her dinner party months ago. See Lisa saw things. She saw things that bothered her, but she never got the chance to bring up. As mentioned above, Lisa knows things, like that a good hostess would never leave HER, of all people, at the table while the rest of party disappeared to freshen up. Lisa Vanderpump would never do that!

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Dorit obviously denies the accusation. LVP is disgusted by Lipsa’s low-blows, but Rinna stands firm. It turns out though, that what she is doing is just that: a low-blow. She admits that she really just wanted to make the point that since Dorit accused her of having a Xanax problem, she could make the argument about Dorit’s habits. Isn’t that kind of like if Kim Richards is a drunkie, Harry Hamlin did something suuuuuper bad?

lisa-vanderpump

Honestly – this is like an SAT question: Lisa Rinna is to Kim Richards what Dorit is to Lisa Rinna; and Kim Richards is to Lisa Rinna what Lisa Rinna is to Dorit. So who really has the problem and who really is the root of the problems? Exactly – it all makes no sense. Which means Rinna and Dorit should both shut up about accusing each other of suspect substance abuse. Obviously Dorit has every right to be outraged by Lipsa’s accusations, but she’s also made plenty of outrageous ones of her own and so well, I guess Rinna’s calculated karma paid off.

All Lipsa wants is for Dorit to tell her she doesn’t know what she saw. So with a simple (sarcastic and mocking), “I don’t know Lisa Rinna,” Lipsa gathers her things and saunters out. In the car back to the hotel, LVP commiserates with Dorit over the power of Rinna’s outrageous lips. After all, she survived Munchausen-gate, which was entirely pioneered by what Lisa Rinna thought she heard…

No one may have gotten to eat much dinner, but Dorit certainly got a taste of Housewives! I have long suspected the ladies of RHOBH cause dramas over dinner so they can avoid eating the food and this is an ingenious diet. My small children have also perfected similar dining practices. So now the women are ready for marathon shopping! Low-cal and high cardio = a winning combo. And also arm workouts from trying on jewelry and swiping Am-Exs. They should just do a workout video for the Bravo Home Shopping Network.

Another thing raising their spirits Lipsa’s early departure for QVC. She calls LVP to thank her for the trip. “I really, really, really appreciate it,” she gushes, as if the last 24-hours of total awfulness never occurred. She is actually happy about the way things went – like she and Dorit cleared the air.

LVP is not impressed, but all the same she is forced by contractual obligations to invite Lisa to her season finale party which will launch a new rosé.

So LVP hopes that once “sweetened up,” Lipsa will find it in her heart to apologize to Dorit. “She’s been a bit of a bitch to her,” explains LVP. I think there’s a bigger chance of Dorit snorting ground-up PixiSticks off LVP’s swan than there is of Rinna apologizing, but stranger things have happened!

Eileen Shopping

Anyway, back to shopping. Eileen more than anyone needs to shop away the pain of Erika’s rejection. I need Eileen to shop away the pain until she purchases a wardrobe that doesn’t belong on a 15-year-old.

Instead of addressing any of the madness the night before, Erika takes her ice queen persona to heart and completely acts as if nothing happened. Is she on one of Lipsa’s smoothies? Thankfully, Eileen doesn’t want to ruin purse purchasing either. Because that is important. Dinner, well, eh – but shopping is sacred, and no drama should cross that threshold.

Here’s some sadness: even though dinner was mostly interrupted, Erika is still considered an XL on the Hong Kong shopping scene. That, as she said, took the wind right out of her sails. Last week we all got to ponder ‘What Erika Goes Through At Night…’ (a torture chamber that plays Suzanne Somers Thigh Master infomercials non-stop?); and this week we ponder what makes Erika XL. Her rad sunglasses collection, for sure. The sheer force of Erika Jayne’s convictions to sex appeal. Tom’s yacht collection? The possibilities are endless – and Eden Sassoon sure wants to figure it out!

Eden gets weirder and weirder. She tried to buy Erika as a friend! with a friendship ring because Erika tried it on. “It’s rose quartz – it heals the heart.”

Erika doesn’t want it though. Specifically she doesn’t want the friendship; the ring she’ll take. But not with Eden’s strings attached to it. Cause that Eden, she’s like an octopus with her tentacles of need.

As soon as Eden’s back is turned, Erika and the other women whispering about the ring and wondering just how much Erika is indebted to Eden in the friendship department. LVP will take the ring (and the sycophant) off Erika’s hands. To get to the bottom of just how much Erika is worth, they ask the sales girl for the price of the ring. Initially through miscommunication they thought it was thousands, but were all relieved to learn it only cost $172.00 US. Erika is cheap, after all! But seriously, why would Eden want Erika as a friend after witnessing how she treated Eileen the night before?

LVP takes everyone to the SPCA to visit dogs rescued from the Yulin Dog Festival. 3 truck-fulls of dogs were saved, and although 47 didn’t make it, the rest are healthy and happy. Eileen connected with a very cute squishy-faced puppy and tries to bring him home, but international paperwork may take a while. Hey – Eileen bought a purse, maybe she can kidnap her soul puppy and smuggle him?! With all the illegal acts these women are accusing each other of, what’s one more?

Erika apologizes to Eileen

Then it’s back to the US and their day jobs. Since Erika is actually headed to Eileen’s day job for a guest role on the Y&R, they meet for lunch to discuss ‘What Erika Went Through In Hong Kong.” It turns out it was a meltdown, induced by stress, and Dorit that made Erika take the “low road.” 

Poor Erika, she had to acknowledge that she too is but a mere human mortal. “It sucks,” she sighs. But her apology to Eileen was sincere, unlike the apologies Erika thinks she’s gotten from Dorit. I think Erika is over-thinking it and needs to just start showing up to events with PK wearing Teletubby costumes.

Erika & Eileen the Young and The Restless

Erika skips off to the Y&R to play Sarah, a bitchy real estate agent who has a coffee connection with Ashley.

Kyle Richards, yes, she’s been here this whole time, is on set for her sitcom pilot and it’s literally like going back in time to her childhood with all-night shoots, and Dorit’s bathroom Studio 54 dinners.

RELATED – Kevin Lee Parties Revisited!

Today Kyle is just a regular old mom, juggling work and family, and connecting with Maurico – and it’s just so hard running so many successful businesses! Kyle barely has time to steal inventory from her own boutique and make it to her job sitting in a chair overseeing her TV show, then rush Portia to hot air balloon lessons while teaching her dog French, and then getting to a diamond party in time! And don’t get Kyle started on making 30 minute meals that contain the vital nutrients like gold dust and hubris!

To illustrate, Mauricio meets Kyle on-set with coffee and it’s the first time she’s seen him since 1982.

At Dorit’s house, in front of art I swear came from one of those hotel renovation sales, she and PK discuss Rinna’s slanderous accusations and Erika’s insistence that PK apologize to Tom for panty-gate destroying her marriage’s reputation. There’s about as much a chance of that apology happening as there is of Lipsa apologizing to Dorit! PK suggests Erika worry about finding Tom instead, since, “She hasn’t seen him in about six months.” Where In The World Is Tom Girardi?! This could be like a game show. Like we try to track his private jets around the globe!?

Dorit & PK discuss Hong Kong

Also, Dorit now suspects Lisa has multiple personalities – all of them reckless and crazy. Even Lisa’s daughter thinks she’s crazy – she blames a “sugar high.” Fruit smoothies contain a lot of natural fructose!

LIsa Vanderpump & Kevin Lee

At Villa Rosa, LVP and Kevin Lee are party planning with gusto, only interrupted by staring at the butt of her very hot farrier. Farrier: a person who grooms horse’s feet. Kevin Lee would personally like a pony pedicure as well! Then the mini pony hair dresser arrives. She was rushing over from Erika’s where she perfecting a My Little Pony Wig.

Anyway, this party has a theme: pink or white, diamonds, and wedge heels. Is this 1975? Is this party co-hosted by Kyle’s childhood and the ghost of Big Kathy? Wedge heels?! “9021-NO!”

Kyle was too busy being super mom to get an outfit together and didn’t realize the dress code until far too late, so she grabbed a pink, lace jumpsuit from the mannequin at her store and started cutting the hems using kitchen sheers. Tragique!

kyle pants problems

Meanwhile, across town, Erika’s glam squad dipped a wig into a bathtub filled with rosé and dyed it pink. Things are coming up roses! They are less successful with the footwear requirement. “Who wears wedge heels after dark?!” the glammies squawk!

RELATED – Has Erika’s Glam Squad Gone To Her Head?

Dorit decides to cover her entire head in gold aluminum foil! Can Dorit get alien transmissions from her foil hat? Is that how she and PK will now communicate, since he is clearly a lizard-person wearing a human skin-suit? Did that foil cost $25,000?

Dorit

Well Villa Rosa looked beyond fabulous if you like living in a life-sized Barbie Dream House (which CLEARLY I do). Even the presence of Lipsa couldn’t put a dimmer on the glamour. Kevin Lee has outdone himself! But Dorit – it turns out her foil hat is actually battle armor, like something the gladiators wore, and she is steeling herself against the inevitable clashing with Lipsa.

Also, I love that Camille Grammer broke dress code. Serves the producers right for wasting her presence this season!

TELL US – DOES LIPSA OWE DORIT AN APOLOGY? WILL ERIKA EVER MOVE ON?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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