Oh, they’ve descended upon the sunshine state again… Shouldn’t Florida have an ordinance keeping the Real Housewives Of New York out?!
In cold New York city Ramona Singer has convinced everyone that vacationing in a fabulous Miami mansion will be just the thing to unify the group after Upstate. Round houses have a way of backing everyone into their own corners. Also Luann de Lesseps is spinning on an axis around her own sun, orbiting her own ego, and declaring that she’s not a diva at. all, so maybe a return to Florida will put things in humbling perspective for her!
Sonja Morgan has been especially annoyed by Luann’s hubris. Sonja’s also sooooo tired of cabaret she could barf a full stomach of sequins, so of course she stops by Luann’s rehearsal, unannounced. The cabaret goes viral, girls, and once it’s in your bloodstream, the hankering for a fix never stops!
I actually thought Luann sounded pretty on-key for once. Or maybe the sound on my TV has adjusted itself to ‘Housewives tunes’ and is trying to spare me any further brain/hearing damage? I personally think the reason Sonja actually dropped by was because she was feeling low about herself and where better to boost her self-esteem than in a room full of gay men whom she naturally believes will adore her? They don’t. They’re annoyed, and rightfully so. Whatever we want to say about Countess & Cronies, this is a business operation on an impressive scale with actual producers, directors, and performers, so Sonja barging in, talking non-stop, interrupting rehearsal, cracking awful toilet paper jokes, and being in general “manic” made everyone question where the countess finds her friends.
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Later, at a party we don’t see except in flashback (WHAT IS GOING ON WITH PRODUCERS SHORTENING THIS SEASON THEN SHOWING US ALL THE GOOD STUFF IN TEASER SNIPPETS AFTER THE FACT), Luann tells the other women that Sonja’s behavior was so manic she wonders if she’s “on something, like pills.” Everyone is aghast. Sonja is truly just a joyous lush, who sometimes descends into fits of letter and last name hoarding, before collapsing into happy tears of status gone-by. But to imply that Sonja, the former LAAAADEEEE Morgan of the Caburlesque Review, is ‘on something’ – that, my friends is a bridge gone too far, past a round house into a jail cell!
It’s funny that everyone is shocked by this statement from Luann considering they all have, at one point or another, said this very same thing about Sonja! Especially Ramona and Bethenny Frankel. I’m guessing the ire comes from it being Luann who said it!
Oh and just for the record, this party we only saw in flashback was thrown by a friend of Barbara Kavovit, so maybe this explains why it stayed stuck in B-Reel? “B-Reel” is probably the name of Bethenny’s upcoming Skinnygirl Frienemy Cam company. It’s like a nanny cam for your friends so you can see if they’re really talking shit about you, stealing your dresses, and your boyfriends, and questioning your parenting at social functions…
Anyway, at the cabaret rehearsal, Luann also previewed a bit in which she presents Dorinda Medley with a fake Oscar as thank you for all the fabulous Jovani. Sonja warns Lu that Dorinda will not see the humor in this, no matter what Luann says! Luann’s ego does not care – it’s her show, so she offends whomever she wants!
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Since someone in NYC wants Dorinda to make it nice for all of Manhattan, she’s invited to light a giant Christmas Tree. Honestly, that IS like an Oscar for Dorinda; a city-wide acknowledgment that no one else in this town loves holidays more, and loves them enough to maintain a separate apartment to store the dehydrated remains of Sonja and Luann’s past vacation flings. They fought that St. Tropez pirate to the death, the Housewives won, and then they buried their treasure in Dorinda’s Halloween closet.
Before Luann arrives Dorinda and Tinsley Mortimer (who has really upped her shady quotient to 100% now that she’s single) tell Sonja that Luann is suggesting that she’s on pills. Sonja is shocked, although agrees that she’s manic – just naturally so. Um, Maca supplement?
A pissed Sonja gets revenge on Luann by ratting out her cabaret plans to Dorinda. No surprise Dorinda does not want Luann making cabaret nice. When Luann finally arrives, dressed like she’s headed to a shoot-out in the Wild, Wild West (aka a dinner party at Ramona’s), Dorinda warns her to saddle up her attorney, because if she’s mentioned in a cabaret then legal action will be taken! Luann snaps back that she can do whatever the hell she wants!
Dorinda rallies to light the tree and then Sonja demonstrates to Luann that she’s entirely sane, and just her normal self by doing a leprechaun dance after asking Lu to hold her martini. “I’m just HAPPY! ” she bellows drunkenly stomping her happy feet while Tinsley clutches her pearls. Literally.
Also, Jill Zarin was there, but I don’t think she said anything. I know… we are living in an alternate Real Housewives Of New York universe! I’ll take a ticket to that motherload of crazy ship.
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The next day Bethenny, Dorinda, and Sonja go shopping for vacation attire, and no one is worried about Sonja’s descent into madness, but about keeping the Countess’s ego in check. “This is going to be a problem,” warns Bethenny, wrapping herself up in a sequined doctor’s coat and diagnosing Luann with “Ecocentralias of the soul.” Um, no offense to any of these women, but I don’t think cabaret has made Luann any more self-centered… She seems pretty much exactly the same to me, except instead of talking about etiquette or yachts, she’s talking about musical reviews!
And I get it – cabaret is annoying as hell, and they are over it, but it’s almost like they want to push Luann back into drinking by constantly complaining to her face about how much she sucks. Somethin’s up here – besides Sonja’s natural happiness! By the way to this shopping expedition, Sonja wore an 80-year-old bucket on her head and called it a hat, then she tried to sell Bethenny on this new perfume she found called eau de mothebelles. But Bethenny isn’t coming for Sonja’s ‘happiness’ this season. Instead, Bethenny is seeking revenge on the Countess for the Countess not appreciating her. And honestly, Bethenny is the only person who has a legitimate bone to pick with Lu.
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All the women head to Miami – including Barbara (And why were we not given a scene of Ramona being forced to invite her while held at stiletto point by Bethenny?), with Bethenny meeting them all later. Ramona brought approximately 300 bags of ‘Ramona Blue’ luggage, then proceeded to tell Tinsley she couldn’t ride with them in the ‘cool’ car, because the seat was reserved for Sonja. So Tinsley was banished to the ‘bad car’ with Babaluuuuu. Ramona got her karma, though because Sonja farted just before getting inside the van, then had to air her tush out by shaking it curbside. Some would say there’s a whole profession dedicated to that…
The Miami house is amazing. So amazing the women don’t even really fight over the rooms! Sonja and Ramona immediately agree to share the master suite and then Sonja immediately agrees to drink all of the alcohol in the house. Specialty cocktails from the house manager – she’ll have 300, please! Within minutes Sonja is wasted and supremely out of control.
While Ramona is bossing “Tej,” one of the butlers, around and talking him through all of her outfit changes featuring sexy legs, sexy cleavage… Tinsley reveals a little secret to Sonja: She personally saw Ramona making out with Harry Dubin. “My Harry…” Sonja gasps. She is visibly heartbroken. Don’t touch the Morgan Letters… or Harry’s Dubin! Somewhere, mentally, Sonja is reaching for Coco to hold hostage again as a Dog Statement Necklace.
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Meanwhile, Luann is avoiding all the booze by taking a very. very. very. long swim in the infinity pool. Good for her! By the time Luann emerges Sonja is so wasted she doesn’t even know she’s on Planet Lu! Sonja commandeers the butler to help her unpack, but keeps calling him “Taj” (as in Mahal), even though his name is pronounced Tej (as in “rage,” or “Leg” – like the one Harry Dubin‘s ex-wife threw across Sonja’s party!). And speaking of throwing things, Sonja packed by literally dumping everything into her suitcase, then winds up throwing thongs and shoes at Tej to unpack. At least the thongs looked new. Poor Tej totally needs to file a sexual harassment suit against Bravo.
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Ramona intervenes on his behalf as Sonja is breathing her happy mojito germs into his face, while still calling him TAJ. Finally, Bethenny shows up, looking literally like something the cat dragged in and wrapped in a dead animal. Did she just escape The Hunger Games, or was she preparing to enter The Hunger Games?
Bethenny is immediately accosted by Barbara, who is hiding in the kitchen (This is why Barb is only a ‘friend of’) because she’s scared of the bellowing sounds Sonja is making from upstairs. We find Sonja standing fully-clothed in the bathtub, screaming at Ramona about Harry, and threatening to pull her pants down to pee. Is peeing while talking about Harry like marking one’s territory? Ramona doesn’t even bother to address Sonja’s accusations, she just keeps preening in the mirror to her own reflection, while Tinsley whines about how other people’s urine permanently ruins a tub. Has this woman ever been in a pool?
Bethenny mutters “that is just too many vaginas on one cock,” and walks away shaking her head. Bethenny is right – and fighting over an aging lothario like Harry Dubin is a new low even for these women! For some odd reason, all the women have glam squads at the house and I didn’t realize until dinner it’s because they were planning to go out. I just assumed they were getting all gussied up to sit around the table and scream at Luann, and yeah, that does deserve hair and makeup!
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Dinner is a complete shitshow. Sonja is still on a tear about Ramona hooking up with Harry, and then starts channeling her rage towards Luann for f–king all her guys. It’s like Sonja feels it’s acceptable to be nasty to Luann, where the other women will back her up, but not to Ramona who has been behaving herself this season and is now back on Bethenny’s good side. I think what Sonja is actually upset about is not that Lu stole one of her men, but that Lu stole her career. Sonja did “Caburlesque” first but now here comes Luann a few years later with a sold-out, professionally produced cabaret show – and Sonja doesn’t even have a supporting role.
Dorinda and Bethenny understand. Bethenny declares Sonja the “curator of cock” – she finds all these guys and then all the other women grab them out from under her – literally. Dorinda sees it as no one taking Sonja’s love life seriously and dismissing her as a slut who doesn’t expect commitment from these men. And Harry was the former love of Sonja’s life but now Ramona is cavorting around with his very, very, very used sperm, but not even telling her about it! Sonja always lands on the bottom, doesn’t she.
Dorinda is also defending Sonja’s out of control insanity because she’s furious at Luann for making her part of the cabaret. Luann remains unapologetic, so Sonja starts screaming that not only is Luann a man-stealing hoe, but she’s a diva throwing her “best advocate” under the bus. “You should take it down a notch,” Sonja instructs in a rare moment of clarity before erupting into drunken insanity again.
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After being told to “shut the f–k up” and listen Luann announces that she’s not having conversations with drunk Sonja, and storms out. That’s when Bethenny finally joins dinner. Her dress is fabulous, but something is off with her makeup.
Bethenny suddenly has to get herself mentally into ‘Housewives mode’ to catch up on all the crazy, so gets out her Housewives vision goggles, and decides the best thing to do is handle Luann first. Luann is at least sober (they hope!). Luann is swanning around her room, unpacking, when Bethenny barges in, announces that she is going to talk and Luann is going to listen, then tells Luann she deserves to be put in her place because they’re all sick of cabaret. That’s how you do it girls: wham, bam, you’re handled, ma’am!
Back at the table, Ramona is still trying to rally everyone to go out – everyone but Sonja and Barbara that is. Ramona makes it clear to Barabar’s face that she’s not invited, saying that, “Tinsley and Ramona have to catch up, that’s all.” She pity invites Barbara when the other women call her a mean girl. Why is Ramona dressed like a sex cult leader for this outing?
Sonja is literally passing out at the table, so Bethenny tries to make her go to bed by yelling that she needs to go to sleep. Sonja complies by literally falling off her chair, right onto the floor. Maybe Sonja is on jelly beans?
TELL US – IS LUANN MORE OF A DIVA THAN USUAL? WAS SONJA OUT OF LINE SCREAMING AT RAMONA AND LUANN? IS SONJA ON SOMETHING?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]