It’s all happening on, Below Deck Mediterranean! It’s all happening! By that I mean all the foods are shedding their processed confines, their cellophane packaging, and their cringing horror at letting Mila Kolomeitseva be the death of them, because she was fired. Oh, sorry, not to sound like Aesha Scott, but I blew my wad too soon by releasing this spoiler in the very first sentence. Cause premature information!
Anyway, after flunking another charter and serving the guests barely edible food (even with Anastasia Surmava taking over half of dinner) Mila begs Captain Sandy Yawn for another chance to redeem herself. Mila promises to stay up all night watching cooking vids on YouTube, for things like, um, searing salmon, or dicing onions, or the delicate art of Betty Crocker cake mix, but Sandy can’t risk another charter going down in flames over microwaved steaks.
Surprisingly Mila takes the news in stride, handling it with dignity and professionalism. That’s way too much adulting for this show and I was expecting a black widow meltdown straight of out a Cold War James Bond flick but alas, as Travis Michalzik said, “Back to Mother Russia, Mother F–ker!”
“People like me have big egos, but sometimes you have to be put down to earth a little bit,” admits Mila as she stuffs her clothes into garbage bags and carefully wraps her collection of rare bottled salad dressings and Aunt Jemima mixes in bubble wrap to exit the Sirocco for the last time. Hannah Ferrier suggests she apply for a job at Taco Bell. It’s not a bad idea…
Given that it’s now 21 hours before the third charter and there is NO CHEF, Sandy has the brilliant idea to just ask Anastasia to stand in until she can find someone. Fearing she could quickly become Mila 2.0 (except for that whole not being trained as a Le Cordon Bleu chef and all) Anastasia agrees to do it for this charter and this charter only… Until her ego gets too big to go back to scrubbing super yacht toilets, that is!
Travis has experience as a crew chef on another boat so Captain Sandy also decides to just throw him in the galley as Anastasia’s sous. Which means both deck crew and interior are a buddy down. Then she gets on Monster.com and types in “Super Yacht Chef” and Kasey from last season’s resume comes up.
OK, here’s the thing, what if Anastasia couldn’t passably cook? Has Sandy ever even evaluated Travis‘ cooking skills? Without these two what would Sandy do? Order Blue Apron?! I guess, though, given what Mila was producing, anyone would do! I mean, I can whip up an Old El Paso dinner from a box, and I can also embellish the professional experiences box on my resume…
The idea of assuming the role of chef throws Anastasia into a panic. She immediately goes into overdrive planning her menu, and is so anxious she’s in tears. Anastasia needs to find one of Mila’s empty tortilla chip bags and breathe into it to stave off a panic attack.
With Anastasia in the galley Jack Stirrup gets stuck helping Aesha make up beds, and no surprise – beds make Jack horny. Aesha brings that semi way down, though, when she shares that her brother passed away from a brain tumor at age 24!
If that weren’t bad enough Jack is about to celebrate a birthday and he don’t wanna. Let’s be honest Jack wants to be an imp forever; slipping away from responsibilities and expectations, and birthdays, which acknowledge your age, also come with the burden of being expected to grow up. Jack is Peter Pan.
That night the crew goes out to celebrate that Mila is gone. In her honor, almost everyone orders quesadillas or tacos. But there was nary a crunchy shell, canned corn, or shellacked cheese in sight. Instead, it tastes so good Aesha literally gives a blow job to her fork full. That is a prequel of what’s to come when Aesha, several drinks in, hits the dance floor with Jack. It was literally Jack and Aesha make a porno. And Colin Macy-O’Toole was scarred.
Poor sheltered Colin, whose mommy only lets him watch PG movies if there are no swear words, has never seen people get wasted or dirty dance. What he knows about sex is that storks bring babies and that peepees go in veevees, which is like putting your head in a hooded sweatshirt, right! Luckily Colin finds old people solace in Hannah, who is trying oh-so hard to be good this season. We all know that soon the dreaded corrupting influence of Travis‘ Tinder profile will strike, and Hannah will fall right off her high horse into the arms of a dark knight.
I actually blame the primary charter guest for Hannah’s faltering! Daniel tried to set her up with his awkward doctor son, and Hannah realized her prospects are essentially the sons, their 78-year-old millionaire fathers, or the crew members on a charter yacht who at least are hot and fun and disappear in a couple months.
Anastasia left dinner early to stress out and cry to her boyfriend about how she’s stressed. You guys, it’s so hard being perfect and being responsible for saving an entire charter with your brilliance. If Anastasia could cook in a string bikini she really would be a modern Bond Girl!
Meanwhile, Jack is in loooovre. Joao Franco counsels Jack against getting together with Aesha, because she’s not a “classy girl.” Like that matters to Jack, who considers the smell of Aesha’s farts in his face to be pheromones! Also, Joao really, UGH. Mr. Changed man. SHUT. UP.
With Aesha unavailable for sexy times because she’s puking her guts out, Jack is reduced to a mangina tuck-off with Travis. Which means they’re bonded for life in their forced celibacy. Oh, these boys. Ironically the 24/7 raunchy sex talk is why Colin doesn’t connect with his fellow crew. Colin wants long heartfelt conversations about the Hallmark Movie Of The Week, walks on the beach sharing a Sno-Cone, hand holding to the innocent tooting of polka music, and double dates with mom and dad to the church potluck.
Colin doesn’t want to hear about what should only be happening in the marital bed! Joao promises to hold sexual harassment intervention to address the constant “dick talk.” Joao is classy now, and mature, so he doesn’t want his crew talking like drunken sailors!
RELATED: Captain Sandy Yawn Said She Wouldn’t Have Fired Chef Mila Kolomeitseva If She Knew About Homophobic Comments While Filming Below Deck Mediterranean
The next day reality sets in for Hannah and Joao about how much work they’ll be taking on when the charter guests arrive. These guests are characters. There is the doctor son, the dad, one half of an unspecified ‘power couple’ who clearly goes to Donald Trump’s colorist, his ignored wife, and the daughter Ashley, a budding pop star no one has ever heard of, who is shooting her first video aboard Sirocco with the help of one solo videographer holding a Sony HandiCam.
To add to the drama, the primaries used to own their own charter yachts, which means HIGH STANDARDS like organic champagne. Yeah right! All you have to do is keep serving them drinks and they’ll be too drunk to know they’re in the ocean. Especially the primary, who seriously looks a Ken Doll’s grandfather. Scary (and trashed!)
Almost immediately, Ashley starts shooting her “Good Mawnin” (‘good morning’) video about waking up and working hard. I was unclear if there was actual music playing or if she was just Lip Syncing to the track in her head (with the AutoTune already dubbed in), while swinging her arms around and walking. That’s a skill in some circles! Aesha mimicking it is a better dancer. While Ashley is embarrassing herself, the shady editors dub in footage of the beleaguered crew running around, working their asses off. It’s equally hard to have daddy buy you a career, you guys!
RELATED: Below Deck Mediterranean Star Captain Sandy Yawn Shares Thoughts On Chef Mila Kolomeitseva’s Homophobic Comment
Then Joao sits down with Hannah to strategize about how they can help support Anastasia, and keep the boat running. Even Sandy knows that Jack is essentially useless, so it’s going to be a shitshow. But for once the food is good! Obviously planned to best Mila, Anastasia serves a Mexican buffet for lunch with *gasp* homemade tortillas. For an untrained chef, she’s got a lot of skills. The spread includes blow torched corn! The guests LOVE it. They can’t stop raving. Which means the pressure is on for dinner. Especially since the weather is acting up.
Just as the guests get into the water a squall comes on making high waves, so Sandy decides to move the boat. As Ashley is shooting her video on the raft, featuring Colin and Joao as her ‘back up dancers,’ she’s nearly thrown off by the wind turning her twin braids into helicopter blades. We wish! At least Colin finally found someone to connect with – he loves Ashley’s song!
To relocate the boat Sandy needs the slide pulled up and the toys hooked up to tow. Just as Travis goes down for a much-needed break Jack and Colin, who can’t figure out how to take a pillow out of a pillowcase, start struggling to reel in the slide, so Sandy has Travis woken up to help. Then he’s back in the galley to assist Anastasia for dinner. Meanwhile, Joao is literally running all the way to shore to secure ropes, then doing laps around the boat, doing whatever he can.
By the time dinner rolls around everyone is exhausted. Too exhausted to put up with being propositioned by a drunk middle-ager who basically wants to whore you out to your son. Yes, the dad suggests that Hannah come to Thanksgiving with their son because he’s a doctor. Did Daddy Horrorbucks assume Hannah was a video hoe looking to turn into a housewife? Seriously, dude, just do a mail-order bride if Daniel Jr. is that undatable. Or 90 Day Fiance!? Daniel Jr, at least had the dignity to look mortified, as Hannah gently rebuffed them before serving the risotto (which they loved). Sandy is also impressed. She thinks Anastasia has a natural talent for simple dishes that are delicious.
Since the drunken primary barged into the galley earlier demanding gnocchi, which he loves more than he loves his wife (probably because he can buy it), Anastasia made those for the main. Luckily the guests love it! It’s certainly a far cry from the boxed spaghetti of charter’s yore.
That night, with Joao completely passed out from exhaustion, Jack is on anchor duty. A high wind pops up on the radar. Sandy decides to move the boat immediately. She has Joao and Colin woken up to assist because Travis has to be awake at 4 am for anchor watch, followed by breakfast duties.
Colin has never done an anchor drop on his own. Now, he has to do it in the pitch black in less than perfect weather. But it turns out great and everyone is allowed to sleep again. The next morning Anastasia makes the cutest fruit plate for the breakfast buffet along with 300 other things including light, fluffy, perfectly sized pancakes! A mirage, clearly.
Hannah can be wonderful with the guests, but Aesha is amazing. As she’s serving – booze before brekki for the primary – she even starts singing Ashley’s song “Good Morning.” And a good morning it is with edible food!
Suddenly Sandy realizes that the view here is subpar. And that matters if it is to be the backdrop of the next MTV Video Music Award-winning hit. Seriously do people even watch music videos anymore? So with all the toys already put out, and the crew already exhausted, Sandy announces that it’s time to load it all back in to move the boat. Even Joao, Mr. Suck-Up, has reached his breaking point and complains about how ridiculous it is. Is Sandy really desperate for this tip or what?
Then to make matters worse Colin goes up to do the anchor lift. He discovers the chain is on deck, and all twisted up on itself. With nowhere else to turn he’s forced to ask Captain Sandy for help before the Sirocco is moored.
TELL US – ARE YOU GLAD MILA WAS FINALLY FIRED FROM THE BELOW DECK MEDITERRANEAN CREW?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]