Below Deck Mediterranean - Chef Mila Kolomeitseva

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: From Russia With Love

On last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean Chef Mila Kolomeitseva continued to be like a nuke in the ocean. And no one likes nukes for dinner — or anywhere else for that matter!

Here in the beautiful, balmy waters of the French Rivera it’s just your typical family dinner: throw a few TV dinners in the microwave and chow down while watching the sunset on the main deck. At least according to Mila. After first making barf nachos that look like they came from a gas station, Mila mistimed the cooking of the main course steak and figures why not nuke them for a minute or two.

Being a Russian Mila is immune to radiation poisoning, so she puts her face right up to the doors to watch them cook second by second, before dumping them on a plate and ordering Anastasia Surmava to “Go” deliver them. Hannah Ferrier is appalled, alarmed, in a right strop – a full spectrum of emotions over what she just witnessed. Actually of that is an understatement. Hannah was actually shocked into silence carrying these plates of radiation ribeye.

However, the guests, a composite of an invisible melange of Real Housewives Of New Jersey background characters, raved about the steak. But they are obviously accustomed to eating at Applebees, right. And this reaction shocks Hannah the most. I bet she’s currently in counseling for PTSD. I think the guests were just so happy to be on this trip that everything tasted and seemed better than it was.

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Below Deck Mediterranean Hannah Ferrier

When Captain Sandy Yawn wanders into the kitchen, looking for dinner, she notices the nachos and asks Mila if they were served to guests? Mila says no – but not for lack of trying (she leaves the part of Hannah deciding not to bring them up out). As Sandy strolls off, munching on a store-bought Chalupa (probably postdates from Taco Bell by helicopter to the middle of the ocean), Hannah chases after her and saves herself by declaring that she would never EVER send those nachos out! For once Hannah used good judgment and is rewarded with a high five.

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Those nachos were so bad even the crew didn’t touch them! Not even Jack Stirrup, who, it would appear will touch anything. Even Mila.

The next morning Aesha Scott is up early to serve breakfast and your daily dose of raunchy factoids. Five servings of sexy comments a day keep the doctor away. Aesha informs the guests that the dots on strawberries are actually their ovaries. The guests google it to verify, and what do you know, she’s right! Who knew you could learn something on Below Deck besides what not to do in order to live your best life (Lesson number one: Ranch Dressing does NOT go on everything). Let’s just hope strawberries are practicing safe sex and on birth control to prevent any unwanted crops.

It turns out though that Aesha is more than just a dirty mind – she has some sort of science degree and knows all sorts of random things. And in matters of sex, Aesha is actually all talk and no action. “I would so much rather watch Gilmore Girls than suck a dick,” she laughs, and you know what I believe her!

Meanwhile, the deck crew, led by Joao Franco who, imbued with a sense of responsibility, is even more insufferable than usual. Or maybe it’s the super tight shorts giving him a foul attitude? Cause holy hot man balls with yeast infections batman.

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Travis Michalzik does not wish to be micromanaged by Joao. He is an experienced lead deckhand who doesn’t need someone telling him which radio is his and how not to fall asleep when tasked with overnight duty. That would be Jack. In fact Jack’s only skill seems to be making Sandy’s tea, but that coupled with his hapless smile and unruly hair, will probably go a LONG, LONG way to job security. Next season he’ll be bosun with slide drama!

Literally, the only thing Jack has a sense of urgency about is finding a woman willing to sleep with him. What did the British navy do to that horny eel?

Hannah is loving this new Joao without Brooke Laughton, just as Jaoa is loving Hannah sans Conrad drama. I would so not be surprised if by the end of the season we have Ja-wow-Hannah hookup on our hands.

Meanwhile, SURPRISE! – Mila is fucking up lunch. She smeared Frank’s Red Hot and French’s yellow mustard on a bunch of Lunchables, then served them to the guests on cafeteria trays, and is now confused why Hannah has spontaneously combusted into a bunch of glass beads commonly used in every centerpiece on this show. OK, so it wasn’t that bad but almost. Instead, it took Mila over an hour to prepare some BLTs and make brownies (probably, from a box) for a beach picnic  Then Mila forgets to pack the tequila when the guests want margaritas.

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Joao Franco & Colin Macy-O'Toole

Joao has to med-evac the tequila over in an organ cooler, then as he’s doing the transfer to Colin Macy-O’Toole, Colin drops it, and the blood of life splatters onto the rocky French beaches where so much of the blood of history has previously been shed. Luckily one valuable little droplet survived and was mixed into the perfect cocktail. Margarita: the odyssey. Or ER for alkies!

Of course, just when the guests are enjoying those delectable Ghiradelli boxed brownies, it starts to rain so Joao is back, loading up the tender with people this time, to whisk them to safety. Meanwhile, Jack is loafing around, enjoying a leisurely lunch, and not at all concerned that his co-workers and the guests could be electrocuted. And then who would tip him?! Sandy seems annoyed by his lethargy in putting away the rafts. At some point, Joao is gonna lose it over this.

While the guests are away and Anastasia is expertly prepping the cabins, Hannah sits down with Mila to create a plan for dinner. Hannah, who has not been annoyed by a third stew, or in the throes of some ill-advised obsession with a man, is trying to be a calm, zen mentor to Mila, but Mila is an expert in inauthentic flavors  (Hidden Valley Ranch, anyone!) and immediately decides Hannah is fake. I mean Hannah is fake, but people come on these boats for the food and their wallets are connected to their stomachs!

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Captain Sandy Yawn

The guests want an Italian feast, with prosciutto and melon, for dinner. The only problem is Mila ordered unshaved prosciutto and culinary school never taught butchery. Good thing Captain Sandy grew up in the back of a butcher shop – literally – so she jumps in to hack that ham into paper-thin shreds. Ham as thin as the ice Mila is standing on..

The guests also want cake to celebrate the wife of the primary’s birthday. Mila claims she never had pastry training in culinary school, but she’ll try to figure out a recipe. Mila also never apparently had GOOGLE training. We know it works out in the high seas because the guests were able to learn about the reproductive organs of strawberries.  Also what kind of culinary school doesn’t demand all their teachers do a basic pastry course?! One that doesn’t exist…

To say the cake was a big disgusting mess was an understatement. Mila obviously used baking soda when she meant to use baking powder. The cake had an alright taste at first bite, but like Mila herself, the more you chewed the more disgusting a flavor emerged. And that flavor is literally baking soda. Hannah decides the cake can’t be served, but Mila is adamant that it’s fine. Hannah is forced once again to go to Captain Sandy, who decides once and for all this cake goes nowhere but the garbage!

So now what? Mila can’t be trusted with another cake, and dinner is like in 10 mutes so Anastasia, the daughter of a pasty chef who also cooked on a 45-foot yacht despite having any chef training, is immediately put to work. Why is this girl third stew?! Anastasia whips up a cake in a few minutes flat and has it in the oven. Sandy is impressed.

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Dinner was decidedly unexciting. Mila served truffle pasta, but used BOXED spaghetti. In the debacle of the cake no one made a huge deal of this. Then Mila started smearing the cake not with frosting but RediWhip from a can! Sandy watches on, confused about what to do or even say, and finally just mutters something about making the cake look better. The guests, as it turned out, loved it. They’d probably love it if Mila plunked down cans of cat food.

Mila isn’t relieved that she scraped by miraculously though. She’s focused on Hannah commenting that since Anastasia made the cake she gets to carry it out to the guests,  then yells at Aesha for admitting to the guests that the chef didn’t bake it. Mila is furious. All of this is foreshadowing to when Mila finds herself locked in the supplies closet and Hannah throws Anastasia into the kitchen…

The next morning Mila serves an entire side of pork for breakfast, then everyone prepares for docking. Joao acts, literally, as if he’s positioning a NASA spaceship on the moon, but Sandy likes everyone fussing over her and her boat so she’s thrilled. Travis is the only one calling this out for what it really is: “You’re a f–king janitor on a floating toilet.” He’s ready for Joao to also accept this reality. Travis is no longer Mr. Aussie fun and sun now, is he?!

These guests were so nice. What a wonderful and nice group of people – and a super first charter. As the primary leaves, he tears up about how incredible this experience was and calls it the best vacation of his life. Joao is right there with him, but Mila is disgusted: real men don’t cry. Ask Vlad – they get mad, not sad!

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Captain Sandy Yawn & Mila

Sandy realizes how lucky they got with this first group and sits Mila down to explain that the RediWhip goes back in the suitcase and she needs to bring her food and presentation up to Super Yacht Standards. Only the table linens are allowed to be tacky here! Sandy even got on Pinterest to find photos of high-end dining restaurants to illustrate. Mila does not take the criticism well.

That evening after the tip presentation, and everyone is loosed up on champagne, Mila asks Jack if he’s gay. She assumed he was because he takes care of his hair and has nice teeth. This girl really better never visit America! Jack is baffled, but still thinks she’s hot. Especially when Mila finally takes off the baseball hat and lets her hair down for their night out.

Mila Kolomeitseva shares views

All of that is about to change in the van to the restaurant when Mila informs Travis, Aesha, and Jack that she finds male homosexuality disgusting and amoral, and proclaims her love for Putin for refusing to allow gay rights in Russia. Suddenly Joao isn’t Enemy No 1 to Travis…

Wow – Mila is FUUUUCKED up. I’m actually glad Bravo is showing this, it’s super informative and a great opportunity for a little After School Special lesson about learning to accept others and not be an evil wench who lied bout about attending culinary school. I mean, I don’t even think Mila could’ve gotten hired at iHop…

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[Photo Credits: Bravo]