Oh Vanderpump Rules never fails to disappoint does it!? And last night Peter Madrigal was allll riled up, which is HOTTT times a million. I digress. The important things were that in the battle of the girly-men, Tom Sandoval got his false eyelashes ripped off and his delicate constitution bruised, and James Kennedy got his size 23 skinny jeans protected by Kristen Doute, who was punching the beglitter out of Tom 1. Pent up rage, anyone?
Tom Schwartz, well he tried in vain (“vain” being the operative word) to break things up, but OMG – his hair! His pearly, flawless skin! His modeling career.
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While the brawling was erupting all over the bar the harrowing sound of a pterodactyl’s shattering shriek stopped everything in its tracks. OK, not so much, but in her mind it would have it. It was Scheana Marie Almost Famous, marooned on a barstool and a piece of glass had cut her foot! Sobbing and pounding on the bar Scheana demands attention, and when that doesn’t come, she demands revenge.
Wah! Poor Scheana – after she stirred the shit, the little shits ruined her party! Scheana is carried out of the party by Shay, the lurch of a diaphanous blob she calls a fiancé, to go to the hospital, where she will require a complete foot replacement complete with prosthetic toenails. It will be the most horrific thing ever so everyone better call and text and visit constantly!
Or, you know, they could call her, wasted, and leave a 4 minute rambling apology video-text, where they sob hysterically over ruining her party and being the worst friend there ever was, while the mascara courses down their cheeks like the rolling rapids of delusion and idiocy. You know, like TOM 1 did! Tom 1 wins Scheana’s suck-up award! Dude – that is the most embarrassing thing you’ve EVER done. Not because you were crying, but because you were crying over SCHEANA! UGH! Now Almost Famous feels special. Whole ‘nother level special! KILL. US. NOW. Kristen – I blame you for this – look what you’ve done!
Standing by the sidelines, during the fight, feeling dejected and alone, was Jax Taylor, trying, oh try ing so hard to grow-up and be a real man to impress his 23-year-old girlfriend Carmen. “I like to fight,” he sighed, wistfully. That was the nail in the coffin in that relationship, because even though Carmen pretended she wanted Jax to leap in and break things up, bitch had her claws dug into that place on his arm where he had Stassi Schroeder‘s name tattooed and she was not releasing the Vulcan grip.
The next day Jax headed to the tattoo shop with Tom 2 (and his leggings) to get the evidence removed that he was ever Stassi’s pu$$y-whipped fellow. Jaxypants is a free man, y’all! Sadly, years of being owned by Stassi, and locked in the little cage she stored in her purse, going without sunlight or affection, and being used only as a sex slave, has ravaged Jax’s looks. His skin has aged 10 years since season 1. It’s either Stassi’s fault or the alcohol. Or perhaps Kristen – she seems like a youth-sucking vampiress who exists solely to destroy a man’s hope, fashion sense, and ability to use reason. Run, Baby Beamer Schemer, run! Run straight to your Beamer, take a selfie – “SELF” being the operative pretext – and drive far away into the sunset. Hashtag Freedom!
It turns out Jax also has a tattoo of Carmen’s name, so it turns out Stassi ain’t that special (dagger through her heart!). Jax thought he was in love with Carmen for all of one hot second, except now he’s in love with Tiffani. Jax gets a black rose to cover Stassi’s name. But I think he needs a tattoo that reads: “WARNING: STD Found Here.” Allegedly. I mean, that’s just what the rumor mill is saying over at SURvival of the Stupidest.
Tom 1 has been living in one of those Febreeze commercial sets to save money, either that or he is auditioning for Hoarders. Ariana Madix goes over to
help him clean nurse his wounds. His face all kindsa puffy, his eyes are black, and he has scratches everywhere – all Kristen’s handiwork. Tom 1 rallies, he gets out his makeup kit, and like a scene from a Lifetime movie on abused husbands, begins to cover his battle wounds. I love a man who can work a contour brush!
Tom 1 and Ariana discuss the cheating; he completely denies it once again, she believes him, despite hearing from Scheana that he told Mystery In Miami that he and Ariana had been broken up for 3 weeks. Whatever – Ariana, you made your bed, with filthy sheets, now you must lie in them… next to Tom 1!
Tom 2 has the worries – he’s is supposed to start bar tending at PUMP, but now he’s gone and been implicated in a fight with the SUR kids and is afraid Lisa Vanderpump will find out and fire him – again. And find out Lisa does, from Peter, blessed paragon of virtue and perfect hair. Lisa is disgusted and furious. Especially when she learns that Kristen and James started it – and Tom 1 is involved!
Peter seethes that James needs to be put in his place. Oh Peter, James has already been put in his place – he’s dating Kristen. Skanky seconds! Actually… trampy thirds!
Lisa tells Katie Maloney that Tom 2 is fired – again. Katie begs Lisa to talk to him and insists he was just trying to break up the fight. See Tom 2 really needs a real job, besides modeling, and in the land of Vanderpump Rules bar tending is a real job. Because Tom 2 told Katie he won’t marry her unless he’s financially secure. Which is code for … y’all ain’t never gettin’ married. Katie chases Lisa down the street, on her way out to PUMP, to beg her to give Tom 2 a chance.
Tom 2 shows up at PUMP, crumbling his bookbag in his hands, begging Lisa to reconsider. She sighs, and says he can have another chance only ’cause she’s desperate for bartenders and they open in days. Poor Tom 2 – always the barback, never the bartender! Lisa should give him a chance though – he’s pretty and he looks good in pink. Plus, he’s afraid of her!
Lisa is tired of the immature dramatics ruining her reputation – ha! yeah right, cause ratings! – and Scheana is tired of no one recognizing the greatness that is her, so she hobbles into SUR, on her day off, for dinner. She demands her girlservant Tom 1 carry her to her table. Maybe Scehana can write a song about her terrible ordeal of getting stitches. Or she can do an AutoTune remake of ‘It’s My Party & I’ll Cry If I Want To…”
James immediately runs over to grovel at Scheana’s remaining foot to whine that Kristen is being unfairly blamed. But where was KRISTEN’s 4 minute sobbing apology video?! Where was Kristen to carry Scheana through the door?! Where was Kristen with a custom-made rhinestone and glitter castboot decorated with puffy Lisa Frank stickers of unicorns and rainbow butterflies?! So Kristen has been banished and Scheana is taking a break from her – for now.
While Scehana is seeking attention, Jax is seeking answers: Tiffani or Carmen? And who does he come to for answers: Tom 1. The irony. He sits in his filthy apartment wondering how he can have his cocktails and take shots too. According to Jax he’s being honest with both ladies, who know he is dating them both, and they both want to date him (They do?), but now he feels like he has to choose. But he’s not being honest with either woman. Poor little Jax is still learning how this whole honesty thing works. Let’s get him a Berenstain Bears book to help him out!
Jax takes Tiffani, who is successful, hot, and age-appropriate, out for drinks to tell her she’s the one. Kinda. Then he takes Carmen out for pizza at some hole in the wall, where he tries to tell her she’s too good for him and he wants to set her free. Carmen is furious, she tells Jax he’s a 35-year-old loser who needs to stop partying. She is done putting up with his crap. Jax’s mouth hangs open, pizza practically spilling out, and somehow he went from dumping to being dumped. Jax is very confused – is he no longer dating Carmen!? Oh well, at least Carmen didn’t take the pizza with her!
Stassi is practically DOA this season, she briefly appears under the guise of advising Tom 2 on dealing with Lisa, then goes apartment hunting with Katie and that other anonymous Stassi Schroeder Friend/Clone. Except Stassi has lost her edge, and her luster – and she dresses kind of frumpy and old lady now, and she’s boring.
They talk about Stassi’s elusive stud-boyfriend Patrick, who is phenomenal in the sack and perfect in every way – except for that whole existing thing. Are we ever gonna meet this man?! Is he invisible!? Did she just move to NYC with her vibrator and not leave her apartment for 6 months?! I think he exists only in her imagination. Whatever. The significance of this conversation is that we learn Tom 2 does not have sex with Katie because he’s ticklish and likes to honk her boobs. Girl… he’s just not that into you. Hashtag: What happens at PUMP, stays at PUMP.
Back at SUR Lisa called a staff meeting to berate everyone for behaving like trash at Scheana’s party. She blames Kristen for always causing trouble, Peter calls her a liability for sneaking drinks at work and acting an unprofessional fool. Lisa suspends Tom 1 and Kristen, but fires James because he allowed himself to get roped up in Kristen’s shenanigans. Lisa wants to show these newbies, once and for all, that there ain’t gonna be no more Kristens running around SUR!
Tom 2 sits in the corner, fidgeting to keep from crying, he’s so scared. Lisa is so amazing – she’s like a benevolent but evil queen who is so spectacularly beautiful and awe-inspiring, he can’t believe he’s even allowed near her. And he will do whatever she says. Lick her Louboutins after she’s stepped in Giggy poop?! He’s on it!
TELL US – DID JAMES DESERVE TO BE FIRED? WILL TIFFANI AND JAX STAY TOGETHER? DOES STASSI’S BOYFRIEND ACTUALLY EXIST?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]