vanderpump rules season 3 premiere recap selfie

Remember how last season on Vanderpump Rules everyone busted Kristen Doute‘s thongbutt for cheating on Tom 1? Well this season she’s accusing him of cheating on new girlfriend Ariana Madix. I dunno kids – it seems kinda transparent to me, like Kristen just wants Tom 1 all to herself and back in her thong-th-thong-thong-thong! (In case you’re wondering why I keep bringing up thongs, it’s cause Bravo gave us a lovely shot of Kristen’s thong butt).

This season everyone on VPR has undergone metamorphosis after the insane betrayals and they’ve grown. Except for Kristen. She’s stayed the same. Well, maybe she’s grown more crazy – we’ll wait on assessing that. 

Kristen is supposedly madly in love with 22-year-old Baby Einstein (Slowstein? He ain’t sharp) DJ James Kennedy, who is trying awfully hard to get some attention on this here TeeVee thingy. First he tried to be besties with Tom 1, but when that didn’t get his pale, pastiness on camera, he decided screwing the desperate and maligned Kristen would have to suffice. Other than famewhoring, James enjoys BeamerSelfies. We’ll get to that later. So anyway, everyone has learned. Everyone has grown. 


Jax Taylor is a brand new man, proven by his current Love Triangle sitchumawation. (Who are the women dating Jax – have they not seen his Stassi tattoo?!). Scheana Marie Famewhore, not ironically at all, has an “Almost Famous” quote tattooed on her arm that says, “This Is Happening.” Of course. And totally ironic given how desperately bad Scheana has worked to become Almost Famous. She did Eddie Cibrian. She wrote a song about how golden she is. She asked Stassi Schroeder to be a bridesmaid in her wedding!

Tom 1 and Ariana are as cute as two canoodling kittens. Katie Maloney no longer has Tang-colored hair, but it still looks terrible! And Tom 2 is still not almost proposing or almost in love. Most importantly we learn that Kristen is still a drama-starting, immature, psycho jealous bitch. 

Kristen snags Scheana Marie in the break room for a Totally Transparent Moment brought to you by Illusion Netting Spanx and the phrase “Of Course.” Kristen says a girl she stalked on instagram slept with Tom 1 in Miami while he was dating Ariana. This girl had proof in the form of selfies from Tom 1. Are selfies admissible as evidence in court? Kristen, at the speed of which Jax cheats on a girlfriend, quick got the girl’s number and started amassing texts supposedly sent between Tom 1 and Mystery In Miami that further validate he is a cheater. 

Now, you might be asking yourself: Why does Kristen care what Tom 1, her ex, whom she cheated on with his best friend, is doing in his extracurricular sexytimes when she is supposedly soooo happy playing TVMomma with her infant boyfriend? But I think we all know the answer to that – Kristen not happy. Kristen want Tom 1 unhappy. Kristen want Ariana away. Kristen become SheHulk when Tom 1 kiss Ariana. Kristen want Tom 1 kiss her. Kristen, you are like stale cheetos. People sometimes eat them when they’re desperate, but that ain’t often and they get tired of their sogginess real quick! 

jax taylor calls kristen doute out on rumor spreading

Of course almost worse than Kristen – ALMOST – is Scheana Marie Almost Famous, who instabelieves this rumor and turns on the crocodile tears while her silent beast fiancé Mike Shaaaaazzzzzzzzzz – oh sorry fell asleep thinking about Lurch there – sits and blinks in the direction of the camera. Does this guy have a brain? I mean he’s doofus-y-er than Jax! Kristen regales Scheana with the tale of how Mystery In Miami was ON HER PERIOD and Tom 1 made her show him her tampon. Are we sure that’s sexy? Cause that sounds more like what happens in a gynecological clinic. I mean, on a list of least sexy items like ever, “Bloody Tampon” falls right next to (or possibly even below) “Poopy Diaper”.

Naturally Scheana rushes over to Ariana’s house to tell her the terrible news. Because Ariana is her BFF in all the world and her happiness is allll that matters to Scheana! Why is Scheana more concerned with believing this rumor than she is by Ariana wearing a braid draped across her forehead? Ariana doesn’t believe it no matter how hard Scheana tries. She’s already seen these so-called illicit texts from Mystery In Miami. She was just part of a group of girls Jax, Tom 1, and Tom 2 hung out with for a club appearance. And the pic of a fully clothed Tom 1 in bed was taken by… Tom 2. Ariana knows when Tom 1 is lying, so she ain’t scairt. 

stassi schroeder is back on vanderpump rules

But Scheana being Scehana she can’t let this tale die, nope she has a birthday party and invites all the people involved in this rumor: Kristen, Baby Beamer Schemer, Tom 1, and Ariana, Angel of Mercy in the cold heart of SUR, Jax plus Tom 2Katie won’t come, her face has frozen in sourpuss and she can’t unscrunch it to take shots, so she’ll be forced to hang out with Stassi and sip chardonnay. 

Oh yes, Stassi has returned and she’s unhappy about it.  She shows up at PUMP for a powwow with Lisa Vanderpump about how she’s … you guessed it: Grown! She’s the big sister therapist axe murderer of SUR now instead of the straight-up axe murderer. And alas, she doesn’t have a job, just a blog. Yeppers, Stassi is a blogger. My, my… ‘member when she said bloggers weren’t real writers and were pathetic? Mighty Fallen. Poor Stassi – back at SUR, back to Katie Kool-Aid Hair, and now blogging – for free. Least I get paid, bitch! But you know, at least Stassi is still a bitch – and she points out that Kristen is so hellacrazy she’s gonna end up dying alone a cat hoarder. Or basically, Dina Manzo. #Zennnn

Jax is off getting a nose job to make him look like less of a cro magnon (shame they can’t also correct his neanderthal personality). Which, deviated septum = how to get a nose job covered by insurance. Meanwhile Lisa is in the finishing stages of getting PUMP opened. It’s gorgeous. It’s glorious. It will not be staffed by the likes of Jax: Sexually Transmitted Doofus. 

And then it’s time for Scheana’s barfday party. It’s her party, she’ll spread rumors if she wants to! You would gossip too if there was no other storyline for you-ou! Not Without My Figure Skating Costume: The Gossiping Woes Of Scheana Marie Almost Famous

Yes, Scheana, aged 30, wears a figure skating costume as a dress to her barfty, where she ploofs down on the sofa, illusion netting side-cutouts and all to confront Tom 1 about cheating in Miami. Tom 1 is all, please. I don’t touch tampons – I’m tooooo pretty for all that. That’s Jax’s domain. And then he wonders why Kristen is trolling his life?

Well, Tom 1, it’s because Kristen and sanity don’t share anything except the letters “s”, “i” and “t” – also letters shared with the word “shitty.” Also, Tom 1 and Ariana actually seem really happy together – sincerely happy. 

Tom 1 really wonders why Baby Beamer Schemer has betrayed him! They used to be friends! They made music together; real music, not a euphemism for making love. No, no – Baby Beamer Schemer did that with Kristen, therein lies the problem! James pretended to be friends with Tom 1. Letting him buy the poor impoverished busboy drinks, only to discover that while all his friends were picking up the tab James was buying a Beamer! And then James started posting – BEAMER SELFIES! “He’s an embarrassment,” Tom 1 seethes. I’d say! What’s more embarrassing: Beamer Selfies or dating Sloppy Seconds Stale Cheetos? Doesn’t it sound like Tom 1 and James were like dating, like wooing each other? What happens at PUMP, stays at PUMP! 

Anyway, me thinks Tom 1 is embarrassed that he got played not once, but twice! Once by Kristen and twice by her infant muppet James. Of course Kristen is traversing the party with tales of Tom 1’s cheating. And Jax is there with one of his girlfriends – the wannabe Stassi but not as cut-a-bitch witty Carmen. While Kristen is complaining about how Tom 1 deserves to be called out because he cheated with Ariana, Jax tells Kristen she is the one who looks desperate, sad, and pathetic for even caring about what Tom is doing. When Jax is the voice of reason… In response Kristen stomps away. Why do I feel like she has a shrine for Tom 1 in her underwear drawer?

Across town, Stassi is having a party with the people she likes from SUR. I only bother to report this because Peter Madrigal was there. He can no longer condone Kristen’s existence. They decide to prove they’re having the most fun by starting an Usie War. Hashtag OMG #InstaLame #InstaPhony

Back in the land of Illusion Netting and Delusion Fettering, Tom 1 sidles up to Kristen at the bar and wonders why she’s spreading lies. Kristen refuses to speak to him. KHoe has the balls to talk about Tom to everyone at the party, but not to talk to Tom. Baby Beamer Schemer, seeing the camera, rushes over to play Knight In Shining Bronzer. James believes Tom 1 wishes he could go back in time and be 22 again. But I bet he doesn’t want to go back in time to when he was dating Krazisten! That’s all you!

In response to Baby Beamer Schemer interfering in the lives of “grownups,” Tom 1 instructs him to go away to take a #BeamerSelfie. “It’s better than a #HondaCivicSelfie!” James snaps.

tom 1 face palms baby beamer schemer james


No. He. Didnnnt! Them’s fightin’ words to a metrosexual part-time model/part-time bartender. And fightin’ words indeed, because Tom 1 face palms Baby Beamer Schemer right into the ground manly-man style. It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase talk to the hand! Kristen shrieks. You know her manties got wet as she deluded herself into believing they were fighting over her. They weren’t – they were fighting over BeamerSelfies. 



[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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