Last night on Vanderpump Rules, some people could not move on. There they were, frozen in time, unable to let go, as they swam through the Cocktail Of Denial.™ Somehow I think that should be SUR’s signature drink.
Oh Lisa Vanderpump – so kind, so forgiving, so understanding… WHY?! Stop That! Do not let them grovel in their Jax Taylor knitwear, bearing letters they begged their mothers to write in elegant calligraphy – you fired that Sangria-theiving James Kennedy, now stick to it! In the reoccurring theme of SUR, no one who is fired stays fired. Kinda like no one that has broken up stays separated for long. Case in point, Kristen Doute groveling to Tom Sandoval over a cable box and some ratty old clothes she got from Stassi Schroeder‘s goodwill box labeled: The Thin Days (Stassi looks great – I’m only joking about her referring to her “love pounds”).
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Backing things up a bit, Tom 1 and Kristen were suspended, but poor #BabyBeamerSelfie was fired. He agonizes over what to do – how will he pay for his Beamer? Will he have to now duh-duh-duh… downgrade to a Honda Civic?! Will he have more in common with Tom 1 than an unfortunate association with Kristen? James confers with Lisa’s son Max (holy pornstache!) who suggests he talk to Lisa one-on-one. Does James take Max’s advice? NO! Of course not!
Instead, on the opening night of PUMP, while Lisa is indisposed, James shows up to work; waltzes in, wearing his uniform and starts bussing! James must be sipping on Kristen’s Krazy Juice – he probably stole it from SUR!
Katie Maloney is in the middle of whining to Peter Madrigal about Tom Schwartz and here comes James trolling SUR! Peter acts divisively – swoon! – he promptly escorts James out where he demands his SUR shirt immediately, then sends James off into the night topless and sobbing as he races to his Beamer in shame.
OK, well not quite – actually Peter ran over to PUMP to confirm that James was fired and should not show up to his regularly scheduled shift like this was a sitcom interrupted by a news brief and all would be normal after we learned that GASP: Kristen Doute was finally apprehended after kidnapping Tom 1‘s high school and community college ex-girlfriends and storing them in her apartment complex basement, where she was starving them to wear their skin as a SUR uniform and was planning to braid their hair into friendship bracelets.
Instead Peter escorted James outside to re-fire him, while Ariana Madix huddled near the EXIT door, all <side eye> is Peter gonna notice me… and this dizzrink I’m sippin’ on? As James huffed away, complaining that Peter never liked him and was biased because KRISTEN, Ariana escapes.
But one person Ariana cannot escape is KRISTEN. Oh the haunting from Kristen continues. One way, or another, she’s gonna get you, she’s gonna find ya! And when you think you’re all clear, here she comes for her cable box, dear. One way or another she’s gonna stalk you, she’s gonna haunt ya, where do your ex-girlfriends live, that person you tweeted, she’ll hunt them dowwwwwn too! (Please read this to the tune of Blondie – direction below).
See Kristen is in peril – not only has she been suspended but she’s still paying Tom 1′s insurance – plus he has her CABLE BOX, DAMMIT! She sniffles to James that she must get that cable box back to find closure and cut Tom 1 out of her life. She takes a big slurp of her drink and texts him. Oh SUR – the signature drink remains the TearTini ™.
On the other side of town Tom 1 and Tom 2 are “working out” you know like girlfriends do, chatting about life and love on the treadmill and bemoaning the fact that they never get laid. OK, actually – no, no that didn’t happen. In fact quite the opposite. It turns out Tom 1 and Ariana are having all the sexes for Tom 2 and Katie, where as Tom 2 is running a sex deficit and actually owes Katie sex rainchecks. Ummm… <Ariana side eye>™
Perhaps Tom 2 worries that having sex with Katie could result in a little trick she learned from her old buddy KDoute. Tom 1 always worried Kristen would scheme a pregnancy to trap him – and blessedly she was too drunk to ever manage to work that out – but they both knew it would have happened eventually. I swear, when Kristen gets her tarot cards it says “Future Lifetime Movie” Working Title: Mama, Insanity Slept Beside Me™.
Tom 1 tells Ariana that Kristen wants her cable box back and Ariana merely sighs – she is not surprised. She knows about The Kaunting, that knotted feeling in your chest with the presence of a relationship zombie, just waiting to feast on the corpse of your love to fill a God-awful void left by a lack of psych meds because the Obamacare website crashed at a crucial moment. Oh, Ariana knows – Revenge Of The Kaunting™ is not over. Graciously, she compares Kristen to spam, like no matter how many times you unfollow the junk email, it keeps reappearing! Like Damn, I ordered something one time, 16 years ago, from an address I had at aged 3 and Peruvian Imports is still finding me?! Yep, that is the power of stalking.
Getting away from that mess, Stassi is waltzing around LA like I gots my big girl panties on. She moved away for 6 months, learned to make Kraft Mac & Cheese and now she’s rampaging about how grown up she is. MMMMMHMMMM (caps necessary). She swans into SUR, looks around callously, and compares it to the Natural History Museum where the Cavemen are frozen in the Prehistoric Era. In this case it’s Kristen holding a tray of drinks, staring longingly at Tom 1. Add Jax to that list – well at least until he gets that <cough> deviated septum fixed. Girl – it’s been 6 months, get off your high horse!
Stassi goes to the opening of PUMP where she has the unfortunate experience of Scheana Marie Almost Famous. Scheana has been tweeting mean things while STASSI has been A GROWN UP. She’s walking places in NYC. WALKING PEOPLE! #LovePounds Scheana denies tweeting anything mean – it was actually a retweet. And it was justified – Stassi was supposed to be a bridesmaid in Scheana’s famewhore wedding about redemption, forgiveness, and reforming mean girls into friends, but Stassi was actually making fun of Scheana’s wedding. Well, Scheana to be fair – EVERYONE made fun of your wedding. I mean c’mon – it’s cause you’re in it. I mean I know I did – and I even did it on twitter. And it wasn’t even a re-tweet! Can we still be friends?
Stassi is like <flick> go away! And Tom 2 – bartending novice who cannot even handle muddling – get me a Pumptini. Tom 2 would if he could, but he doesn’t know what’s in it! Despite his obvious flaws – asexual, Katie, friends with Jax – Tom 2 still warms my heart like a microwave to a TV dinner.
Meanwhile, back at SUR, Jax is in quandary – he doesn’t understand why Stassi won’t be his friend. The only thing he did was sleep with her bestie Kristen, but c’mon that was like 6 months ago! They’ve grown up! Jax’s timeframe resides in the Irrational Shitstory Museum. Jax’s therapist diagnoses him “Lost Casuse.”
He got Stassi’s name tattoo covered up but then got a tattoo of Carmen’s name because he wanted to be nice, then dumped Carmen, and now thinks he might have feelings for Stassi! The therapist can’t help Jax, but Annonymous Stassi Schroeder Friendbot No 2 can – she tells Jax there isn’t a chance in hell Stassi will forgive him again unless she can hang his d–k in the bar of SUR, or carry it around like a little pet on a leash. Only then.
Jax is defeated. He misses her! That boy is attracted to train-wreck drama like moths to a flame. He should accept his inevitable destiny and marry Kristen.
Back to Kristen and James, cause full circle, y’all! Kristen heads over to Tom 1‘s for her
stalKing cable box and Ariana happens to be sitting there helping Tom 1 de-Kristening, but not cleaning! #Priorities OMG – Please call the Hoarders crew for that mess! They’re bored – that show was canceled!
Kristen starts crying immediately at the sight of Ariana, because in Kristen’s heart and soul it will always be her apartment. But she’s SOOOO happy in her life now <wipes tears with the back of her hand> everything is GREAT! She just wants her cable box so they can be free!
Tom 1 hesitates, cause like, there are some DVR recording on there he really wants. Conundrum! Are they gonna go to court over custody of a cable box? Visitation? Support?! Tom 1 relents. Kristen sniffles about how she just can’t get over him dating Ariana – who is sitting right there, frozen in time, <side eye> like imma just rise above, levitate out of the awkwards. She may have, I hope, texted 9-1-1 to be on standby. I know I would…
Kristen informs Tom 1 they all need to move on, but she can’t get over Ariana being in “their” apartment after he cheated on Kristen with her. (WTF?! WTF?!) Realizing she would get no drama or answers, miracle of mercy, Kristen left, dejected and lugging a reusable iKea bag. She so hid a nannycam in there!
And finally, James shows up to grovel for his job back. Lisa says he’s arrogant, a liar, and obnoxious, but she’ll think about rehiring him. Lisa – just no.
TELL US – SHOULD LISA REHIRE JAMES? WILL KRISTEN EVER MOVE ON FROM TOM 1?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
And now, a treat: