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Last night’s season finale of Vanderpump Rules celebrated the love of Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz with a “linen and lace” themed engagement party where Lala Kent spoke for the collective masses and told Kristen Doute to shut up. Obviously Kristen didn’t listen to this valuable advice! 

Pre-party Lala, who knows everyone hates her, is having massive anxiety about what to wear and how to act. Especially because James Kennedy, the littlest weasel at SUR, informed Lala that Kristen called her a “ratchet whorebag.” Hilariously Lala turns to Scheana Marie for advice on how not to look like a “whorebag” – Lala is OK with the ratchet part. Scheana, hilariously, advises her to dress as if she’s meeting someone’s mother – which means keep it classy. Scheana isn’t too devoted to Lala’s concerns however, because OF COURSE she has her own issues to worry about, like why Ariana Madix is keeping her distance! 

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Ummm… honestly the delusionality of Kristen calling anyone else a “whorebag” is hilarious – exactly how many people has she slept with this season alone? Let us count: James, Aleks, Kevin, Carter, James again. Did I overlook anyone? Sounds like someone is projecting onto Lala

Jax Taylor returned from Hawaii. After 24-hours on no sleep, he’s back at the studio apartment he begrudgingly shares with Brittany Cartwright to have a meltdown. Jax can’t handle the close quarters and blames Brittany for moving here and clogging up his personal space. I mean where is he gonna bring girls to?! Jax informs a speechless Brittany, sitting there making open-mouthed fish faces, that jail was the first time he’d felt at peace in months! Poor Brittany whines that she doesn’t want to be in LA, working at Hooters, but she did it for Jax! One thing she hasn’t done for Jax is look for a bigger apartment for them, because apparently boob jobs prevent you from searching the internet. 

At SUR, Jax tells Lisa Vanderpump he got off without jail time and tries to flippantly gloss-over the incident because he’s not a ‘real criminal.’ Lisa is not having this. “Don’t minimize,” she instructs. He rants that Lisa is “verbally abusing” him and she demands he get out of her face. Lisa needs to stop attempting to play therapist with this motley crew of imbeciles. 

While Jax remains in the same place, Stassi Schroeder has moved! She is finally free of Kristen’s sofa, and has now found the a place fulfilling all of her high-standard requirements, which include: not having to live with Kristen and not being homeless. Actually she needs: sky blue walls, wood floors, and a closet big enough to store all of her delusions of self-importance.

Kristen visits with champagne, which she explodes all over the floor, while they discuss crashing Katie and Tom’s engagement party. Stassi explains that she wouldn’t crash if it weren’t for Kristen, who is “unburdened” by dignity and self-respect, therefore with Kristen as her escort through the trenches of trashy behavior, Stassi will move forth temporarily rejecting these virtues. Whatever. You lie down with whorebags, you wake up without dignity. 

Then the party happens – Katie is wearing ill-advised peach lace from the Golden Girls Blanche Deveraux Collection For Sassy Over Sixty-Five. Katie and Tom’s moms attend, plus Katie’s brothers. Tom 2’s TRIPLET BROTHERS cannot make it, nor can his dad, because he’s afraid to fly. 

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Hilariously Lala took Scheana’s advice to heart and they turned up at the party with the same hair, also remarkably similar to Katie’s hair. Was there was a secret second theme about wearing 1992 kindergarten hair? Lala paired hers with boobs on display, matching Brittany’s own cleavage parade. Then Stassi and Kristen arrive, skulking through the gate, fearing the wrath of the LVP. “What if she throws us off witch mountain?” worries Kristen. 

It’s the first time Jax has laid eyes on Stassi in over a year. “Damn she looks good,” he murmurs. Or maybe he was talking about his future soulmate Kristen

Lisa is not overjoyed to see the two Harlots Of West Hollywood, but has a change of heart, realizing it’s Katie’s party. Despite the intrusion, the party goes surprisingly well, even with Tom 1 and Ariana hiding in their own little corner of the garden, ignoring everyone. Even James, who promises he’s sober, is [temporarily] conducting himself appropriately. He has come bearing gifts: The completed, and much-anticipated “Pump CD,” now restyled “PUMP Sessions” from The White Kanye. He shows it off to Lisa, who reminds him of what he can accomplish when he stays away from alcohol (and Kristen). Then James proudly shows Kristen, as they rub and kiss all over each other in celebration of his success. “This side of James, and the side of James I slept with, is the good side,” explains Kristen of her magnetic attraction to douchery.  

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Lisa makes a speech to Tom and Katie‘s emotionally-stunted love. Afterwards, Kristen who never misses an opportunity to attention-seek, hops up, dragging along Stassi, to ramble endlessly about how she is responsible for “Little T. Schwab” meeting Katie. Tom 1 complains that Kristen has zero self-awareness and hasn’t changed one bit for all her insistence that therapy has worked. (Tom’s right). 

Suddenly, out of the bushes, roaring from beneath the hair of a lion, Lala shouts “Wrap it up!” 

“I was just saying what everyone was thinking,” Lala explains. Kristen yells back to Lala, then Katie informs everyone that they’re not allowed to be rude to Kristen and Stassi – even if they don’t like them! Then it’s onto SUR for an after party where things really get amped up!

Scheana decides it’s finally time to confront Ariana. Ariana does not hold back – she’s well-aware of how much shit Scheana’s been talking. Initially, Scheana lies, denies, and refuses to apologize. Then Ariana goes for the jugular pointing out Scheana’s desperate need to be popular and be friends with everyone, because of this she’s not a trustworthy friend. “I’m worried for you and Shay,” Ariana adds for good measure. Scheana starts to cry – she just needed Ariana to hear her, to hear how stressful it is that Katie is once again friends with Kristen and Stassi, leaving Scheana the unwieldy fourth wheel on their dysfunctional tricycle. Ariana says this is the ‘real Scheana,’ who is vulnerable and emotional. Ariana, no, the real Scheana is fake and desperate to be popular and that won’t ever change. 

Tom 1 and his band, Charles McMansion, play live for the first time. They take the stage to debut their version of disco-punk Scissor Sisters, complete with dance moves. Lisa wonders if it’s a comedy act. Hilariously, Kristen sits front and center, directly in front of Tom (and she’ll probably take credit for being the inspiration behind his musical regeneration, just like she’ll probably take credit for being the driving force behind the amazingness of PUMP Sessions. Kristen’s mantra is likely take out your tears for her on your guitar.). Even Jax admits Tom’s band is good. Ariana and Tom 2 were ridiculously proud, which was so cute. I just want Tom 1 and Tom 2 to have their own spinoff called “Just Tomming Around!” 

Then all goes down hill. James has transferred his sleazy affections onto Lala, upsetting Kristen. Newly mature and above-it-all 35-year-old Kristen stomps over to tell Lala, she and James are making her sick, because no one at SUR likes Lala and Kristen is the self-appointed ‘decider’ of who is liked at SUR and is allowed to be in her group. Also Kristen calls Lala a walking STD. Lala is officially fed up with these weirdos and the weirdo games they play. “Either be my friend, or don’t” she snaps at Kristen, then literally shoves her out of the way. Kristen stomps away mumbling that she probably got an STD. 

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This is just the tip of the craziness iceberg from James. At Lisa’s he was bragging about how his life is changing after being sober for 2 weeks, making amends with Kristen, and completing PUMP SESSIONS, an immaculate conception of musical genius and prophetic magic spawning the genesis from which all music will henceforth be birthed. 

Everyone starts to notice that James is acting a little… off. When confronted James  gleefully announces that he’s eaten 4 pot brownies and smoked 2 joints, so he is floating in space. Kristina Kelly, who asserted herself for the first time all season, slithering out from being Annonymous Stassi Schroeder Clone No 1, accuses James of lying about being sober. He tells Kristina “to shut her f–king mouth!” Interestingly Ken was sitting RIGHT THERE and said nothing. He just pretended none of this was happening!

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Jax, overhearing, gets extremely agitated. For once I agree with Jax – the way James talks to and treats women is disgusting. He needs to stop working out his tortured mommy issues on the girls of SUR. 

Jax threatens to “put his fist” through all 150 lbs of James, because Jax weighs “200 lbs more” than James. James, completely unhinged, keeps taunting the “old man,” because he knows Jax can’t do anything while on probation, which James finds hilarious. James does realize he’s looking into the face of his own future? “Old Man look at yourself, I’m a lot like you were.” 

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After the debacle, James petulantly stomps out of SUR, kissing Kristen goodbye and grabbing Lala and a cigarette on his way out. 

Lastly Stassi and Katie talk. Stassi confesses to wanting more with Katie, but Katie isn’t ready for a commitment. Katie explains that Lisa taught her to follow her heart, which meant making the executive decision to follow Scheana; and to be herself, which is a black hole, semi-encrusted in meanness. Katie believes she’s really grown and will set boundaries in future friendships with Stassi.

Lisa encourages Jax to reach out to Stassi – she truly believes they had a wonderful relationship. Is Lisa smoking what James was smoking? 

Jax ambles over to face his fears and his past, seeing how the tides of time have washed over both he and Stassi leaving them a little worse for the wear. Stassi is receptive to Jax’s groveling, except it didn’t quite go like that. Jax had some grievances of his own, some bones to pick with Stassi’s way of doing the business of friendship. They go around in circles: agreeing to move forward, arguing over who was at fault for their horrible relationship, accusing each other of cheating, and then coming back around again to deciding to move forward with no hard-feelings. This is even after Jax calls Stassi out for weaseling her way back into the group because Patrick dumped her and she recognized that she had no friends life. In the end, they’ve decided the group is more important than their past, in fact the group is built on their past so they must go forth with preservation in mind.

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Stassi likes Brittany and thinks she’s good for Jax. “I always said he had great taste in women,” declares Stassi. This makes Jax see Brittany in a new light and decides it’s time to go home so he can test out those new boobs. Brittany obediently trots after him. Tom and Katie leave with plans to finally consummate their engagement, but decide to order a pizza instead! Tom and Ariana happily leave together, cocooned in a bubble of their own loving solace, or something cheesy as f–k. Kristen and Stassi depart together. Lisa has hope for all her little SURlettes, except for Kristen and Stassi, who she doesn’t believe will ever get it. Only those two?

TELL US – MORE COMPLETELY UNHINGED: JAMES OR JAX? DO YOU TRUST THAT KRISTEN AND STASSI HAVE LEARNED FROM THEIR MISTAKES?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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