Vanderpump Rules Reunion Part 2 Recap: Let My Love Open The Door

Last night was part 2 of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. Andy Cohen indulged in round 2 million of why everyone hates everyone, then Brittany Cartwright and Stassi Schroeder appeared to defend their own idiocy. 

Since we’re starting out with the worst, Andy replays footage of James Kennedy getting eaten alive by SUR hostess Lauren, then coming to work proudly showing off his battle wounds. He’s a survivor! Lisa Vanderpump was unimpressed. The best part was learning that Lauren’s boyfriend, hot bartender Anthony, dumped her over the incident. Ouch – getting dumped for James has gotta hurt!

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For some odd reason Jax Taylor cannot accept that he is jealous of James replacing him as SUR’s resident gropey, grubby, loser – even though Jax promises he’s accepted his fate as the OG of SUR. Yeah, right. Jax denies that he was ever fighting with James over Lala Kent. Tom 1 calls him out on that BS. 

Tom 2 and Katie Maloney revisit their proposal. Despite Tom 1 helping Tom 2 plan every detail of the proposal, and being such a wonderful friend, Katie never once says “thank you” or defends him during the reunion. Instead, she staunchly continues to defend Kristen Doute. Something odd is going on here. Maybe Katie DID cheat on Schwartz and Kristen knows? Because this girl is more useless than crotch-less panties!

Tom 1 was a good friend to Katie and as soon as humanly possible she casts him aside for the scuttling conniving Kristen, then is continually trying to undermine Tom 1 and Tom 2‘s friendship. As Ariana Madix said, “This is the most toxic environment I have ever been in my life and the fact that you don’t see that is insane.” Yep. Ariana is done here. And unlike Stassi, I think she’ll stay done. 

Maybe there’s a reason Ariana has become the new sulky, so-over-it Stassi Schroeder? Maybe it’s Katie. #ConspiracyTheories

Back to the proposal, the night they got engaged Katie and Tom 2 celebrated by putting taquitos in the oven. That is not a double entendre for sex. They really did consummate their engagement by putting fried frozen foods into a preheated oven. Katie explains they’re just not super horny people. Katie, Katie, Katie… 

Andy asks if Tom 1 and Ariana will be getting engaged next. Ariana admits she doesn’t want to get married. Kristen’s face said it all when she said nothing at all. TAKE ME BACK, TOM! PLEASE TAKE ME, TOM! 

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Brittany comes out with her boobs grabbing onto the bars of the hot pink prison cell that is her dress. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere for her relationship to Jax, right? Brittany insists she had never even Googled Jax before driving cross-country to move into his studio apartment where there is a “No Pooping With The Door Closed” policy. 

This makes no sense to me! Brittany expects us to believe she moved 3,000 miles to date a man on a notorious TV show but didn’t Google his ass? Literally you can google Jax’s ass – not that I’d advise it, but I mean if you want to, it’s there (sitting on a toilet. Which has gotta be a euphemism for how we all feel about Jax, right?). “Did you bet on the wrong horse,” wonders Andy.

Brittany is in looooorve. And when she met Jax, Lisa Frank sparkly unicorns and dolphins appeared, surrounded by stars and rainbows, and she’s pretty sure that means Brittany and Jax sitting in a studio apartment p-o-o-p-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes boobs, then comes Jax in a prison cell.  

Brittany compares her relationship to Jax as they’re like “good and evil” – she’s obviously the good. All the footage of Jax trying to throw Lala over the bar at SUR and do it to her is replayed. Brittany smiles, giggles, and admits yeah she was like upset and stuff, but was standing by her man. Brittany seems to believe she’s the super special boob snowflake who got chosen by Jax to right all his wrongs and turn him into the man he always knew he could be. This is not a Nicholas Sparks novel – Jax will forever be a dirty dog on a poon hunt. Brittany needs to leave him before any more of her dignity suffers because 10 years from now she’ll wake up being Kristen. Or Stassi. One of whom Jax will likely be married to). 

Jax insists he never wanted to do anything with Lala or he would have – it was just “harmless flirting” to make James jealous. No one – NO ONE – believes him. Including Lala. Even if it was just flirting – why lie about it? To Brittany, I mean. Lying is the new foreplay! 

Brittany admits that seeing Jax’s inappropriateness with Lala did upset her – especially since Jax was lying to her about his behaviors and accusing Lala of throwing herself at him, etc. “I was changing my entire life for this man,” Brittany sulks. Again, Google. It’s your friend. If you can’t read the writing on the wall, at least read the writing on the iPhone. 

Recounting his arrest in Hawaii, apparently Jax stole the glasses while Brittany was waiting for him in the bar. Then, he actually gave them to her, but she had no idea they were stolen. The worst part is that they were ugly glasses.

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Jax has been arrested five times. Brittany claims she ‘might’ not have moved 3000 miles to be with him had she known. Oh well, at least they’re no longer living in a studio apartment. Oh, and Jax is ‘reconsidering’ marriage because it means so much to Brittany. Tom 1 suggests that Jax could steal Brittany a wedding ring. Don’t think he hasn’t thought of that! 

Everyone starts bickering about Hawaii and how it’s not fair James got to go while Kristen couldn’t – since Kristen is part of their group and belongs there. What is it with these people and the ‘group’ – they’re IN THEIR 30s! 

Tom 1 whines that it’s his turn to talk! It’s his turn to talk! No Tom – the person holding the talking stick gets to talk! Eventually Tom yells that he needs to make point, so Andy shushed everyone. Tom’s point, after said prolonged tantrum, was to blame Jax for the Hawaii issues. Jax is the one who mysteriously started on the Kristen should come rant and Tom felt like his feelings weren’t being considered and everyone jumped on a bandwagon to bash him for not wanting to spend his birthday trip with his ex. Agreed. Kristen still feels it’s wrong that Tom and Ariana don’t want to be friends with her. Seriously? Maybe Jax and Kristen should just only vacation together, with Katie as their third wheel. #GoodRiddance

Although I agree with Kristen that letting James go on the trip but not her was equally wrong. James is just as terrible and Tom did invite him – even if Jax agreed – I think there should have been a No James/No Kristen policy. 

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Kristen insists she’s changed with therapy. Everyone pretends to agree, except Ariana who comments, “I think therapy has changed how she behaves in front of other people.” Translation: She’s gotten better at paying lip service to sanity while silently keeping the crazy on simmer – for now. 

Andy wonders if Ariana still considers Scheana Marie her best friend. Ariana tactfully answers that their friendship has changed, but they’re still close friends. I still do not understand why everyone – including Lisa and Andy – are blaming Ariana for distancing herself from Scheana?! Are they not watching the same show?! Scheana repeatedly threw her so-called BFF under the bus for Kristen, Katie, then the texts… 

Ariana says Scheana is her friend, so are Katie, Tom 2, and Lala but no one else, so she doesn’t need to mold all her actions for the sake of the dysfunctional group’s preservation. No one understands how to respond because ummmm: GROUP THINK. Seriously, are they all sharing one totally turd-filled brain at this point? 

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Ariana whips out her phone so we can hear Scheana make lame excuses and non-apologies for her totally inappropriate texts to Ariana’s mom. Scheana defends her actions because “at that time Tom was doing all those things” and was being an asshole. At that time… meaning the time when he didn’t want KRISTEN attending his birthday trip to Hawaii and didn’t want to hang out with his crazy ex-girlfriend? Gotcha!

Scheana-Meana continually argues that Ariana’s mom asked her for her opinion, even though Ariana’s mom denied this. You know, even IF Ariana’s mom did wonder, Scheana’s texts were STILL all kinds of out of line! But Little Ms. Narcissist can’t see past her false eyelashes. Is it me or is Scheana looking more and more like a Power Puff Girl by the day? 

Finally Lisa tells Scheana that with all she had going on with Shay she really should have been focusing on that. Furthermore, what if Ariana would have texted Scheana’s mom derogatory and unhelpful statements about Shay? Scheana says she would have been glad because she loves disparaging Shay herself, so… 

Moving on, Andy wonders why Katie was so bothered by Lala taking her top off in Hawaii even though Katie, Stassi, and Kristen (and everyone else on this show) has skinny dipped dozens of times. Katie’s reasoning is that Lala doesn’t know them and should have been trying to make a good impression. “Would if have bothered you if Lala weren’t so hot?” Andy asks. BOOM! That, right there, is the crux of the issue: Lala taking her top off was playing on ALL of Katie’s insecurities about herself. She apparently spent the year recovering from Stassi’s betrayal by emotionally eating and now she’s taking it out on Lala. 

Lala feels Katie never gave her a chance at all. That is true. Katie is immature and easily led by catty mean girls. 

Speaking of, here comes Stassi! Who looks a hot wreck. That hair is too blonde, her makeup is a mess of cakey, unblended horrors, and she’s showing more ill-advised boob than Kristen. She immediately calls James out for the disgusting way he speaks to women. Can’t disagree with her there – he is disgusting and vomit-inducing. And needs serious help. 

Jax feels Stassi’s motives for weaseling her way back into the group were transparent: she was homeless, needed money, and Patrick had dumped her. She went to Kristen, the “weakest link,” to connive her way back in. Gotta hand it to Jax – that’s all true! This is Tom 1’s reason for disliking Stassi – she hurt Katie, and everyone spent the entire year counseling Katie through their breakup (OK, it is NOT that serious!), then Stassi thought she could just show up, plop down, and go right back to being queen bee. Katie doesn’t bother to support Tom 1 here. Tom doesn’t believe she wants to be their friends, she wants to be on TV. 

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“If there wasn’t this show, none of you would have heard from Stassi Schroeder ever again,” snaps Lisa. Andy agrees. So do I! Stassi denies being broke, even though we saw her couch-surfing with Kristen

Stassi and Lisa argue about their issues. Stassi truly doesn’t feel she owes Lisa anything except “respect.” Which is a concept she truly doesn’t understand the mechanisms of.  

I personally believe Lisa wants some acknowledgement that she gave Stassi the platform of a TV show, which made her career, and here is Stassi mocking that platform, trashing it behind the scenes, quitting, publicly proclaiming how horrible Lisa and everyone on it is, and pretending she could have made it on her own, unassisted.  Then Stassi got dumped by Patrick, realizied her ‘fashion career’ was going nowhere with out Vanderpump Rules and needed the money, so she immediately sought out desperate Kristen to worm her way back onto the show. Yet, the only thing Lisa did for Stassi was let her sling crispy chickens. Uh-huh. 

TELL US – WILL ARIANA BE BACK NEXT SEASON? WILL BRITTANY AND JAX GET MARRIED? IS STASSI UNGRATEFUL TO LISA? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]