Real Housewives Of New York is like being in city traffic and hearing a loud bang and not knowing where it came from and whether or not it’s a gun going off, a car backfiring, or Ramona Singer exploding in your face.
Luann de Lesseps is in full hoity-toity mode. Cabaret Star has replaced Countess as Luann’s new schtick, and she invited all the girls to a Halloween party where she’s performing. The theme is insane asylum – perfect for this group! Luann is dressed as a sexy nurse, but Bethenny Frankel comes as a slutty guardian angel, aka Luann’s savior. Was that shady or unintentional?
Luann’s performance is supposed to start at 11, but of course, the Countess is late, girls! After waiting around for 2 hours, when Luann couldn’t even come down to say hello, or invite them backstage to her dressing room, Bethenny leaves explaining that her babysitter is expecting her.
When Luann learns that Bethenny chose her daughter over the Countess Does Cabaret In Costume, she’s furious. Ramona also wasn’t there, but she had a legitimate excuse: she was at Omar’s (not to be confused with Mario’s) on a date. Everyone else would rather have been at Omar’s too – but probably not with Ramona, and probably NOT with her date as we will soon see…
Tinsley Mortimer is still recovering from her modifying meltdown at the circus. Crying in her mommy’s lap wearing face paint makes Tinsley realize that she needs to take full-stock of her life, and take Dale Mercer‘s advice to find a man and figure it out ASAP. Otherwise Dale will wind up being Tinsley’s only confidant, and people start thinking of them as spinster sisters who haunt the hotel wailing about over-cooked eggs.
Speaking of apartments, Dorinda Medley has moved. The new place kinda reminds me of a larger version of her old place? It’s so dark! Dorinda’s apartment, unlike her house in the Berkshires, is not about making it nice. And she will probably put life-sized taxidermied dinosaurs – or hippos – on one of the walls just to ward people away. It won’t work for John, a slimy reptile himself. He thinks three bedrooms means one could be his, but Dorinda is serious about not even want a houseplant. John has to continue living in the dry cleaner’s shop and can visit once a week at his scheduled time.
Don’t worry Dorinda is still a hoarder at heart – she plans to hang-on to her old apartment in case her daughter Hannah wants to move in. Face it – the real reason is that Dorinda needs a place to store her city holiday decorations!
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Like what the hell is that insane mannequin Dorinda rolls out? It looks like the mummified version of Luann and Sonja’s pirate from St. Barths. Like they took him home, dehydrated him like beef jerky, and preserved as a shrine. Or maybe he got locked in Sonja’s basement, then she found him years later, and gave him to Dorinda as a present? Oh what am I saying, Sonja doesn’t get rid of anything… I could talk about this all day. Like do you think the pirate is still there? I imagine Real Housewives Of New York fans go on destination trips to St. Barth’s to be healed by his sexy appendages, and touch ‘le pirate’; tousle his hair and feel like they’ve found the Mecca, then they wash his bunghole in pinot before returning to their normal lives as reality TV fans.
Anyway, back to present day reality! Dorinda scored the creepy scarecrow on a 70% off halloween sale and you know she thought he’d ward off potential houseguests in her new place, but to Hannah he also represents how she feels about this depressing apartment. Hannah associates it with grieving for Richard and the most unhappy time of her life. This makes Dorinda understand that it’s definitely time to go. Seriously – Dorinda’s apartment was one step above Sonja’s town-house in the denial levels!
Bethenny, Sonja, Tinsley, and Dorinda all meet for dinner to discuss what an egotistical bitch Luann is. Sonja is wearing a wrap dress she bought from Barb’s Poshmark shop. Probably just to torment Ramona.
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Bethenny is pissed because Luann sent her a text calling her angel costume “over the top.” Given that Luann is “the master of the shiny insult,” Bethenny thinks she may be the victim of full-sun, not shade. Blinded by the Countess, my friends! Bethenny’s annoyed by the little digs Luann is making behind her back and thinks this is calculated but Dorinda points out that in this moment, as Luann is navigating sobriety, she has even less self-awareness. It’s cabaret all day, not rose! (Apparently Luann also has groupies).
Oh ladies — are we really gong to have an episodes long fight about Luann being arrogant? Wait – what am I saying? That’s the fight Luann’s been having with these women since Real Housewives of New York episode 1; season 1.
Luann and Bethenny have such a toxic, almost sibling-esque, relationship. They love each other but can’t stop hating on each other. They’re both going through tough times and resenting the other one for not offering the support they want, and they both want every situation to center around them, but they each hold a mirror up to each other’s flaws and represent different ends of the spectrum. Bethenny overthinks everything whereas Luann under-thinks.
Dorinda is right, though, that Luann ostracizing Bethenny, her biggest ally is self-destructive – as if Bethenny is the new booze, which is ironic because Bethenny literally is on a bottle of booze! It’s the circle of life; countess-style (and sung HOPEFULLY in a cabaret very soon!). Bethenny decides she’s giving Luann 5 strikes, then she’s out, and Bethenny’s at strike number 3 with her now … So well, we know where this is going (again!). Let’s just all put the mezcal down and breathe.
Ramona invites Sonja and Dorinda to a meeting with Bridie Farrell, the former Olympic speed skater who now runs a charity for children who are the victims of sexual abuse called NY Loves Kids. Bridie is herself the victim of sexual abuse when she was molested by a fellow speed skater at 14. The guy later publicly admitted it, but by that time statue of limitations had expired on pressing chargers. Bridie hopes NY Loves Kids can get the laws changed so there is no statue on child abuse. Bridie should fire whatever agent suggested she used this show as a platform for her good works.
Ramona trying to good is like two steps forward, 3 steps back. After announcing that she’s impressed with how Bridie put together the NY Loves Kids charity luncheon, Ramona goes ahead and takes credit for doing everything. And Ramona keeps calling her “Birdie” – even when she’s introducing her at the event!
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What Ramona does do is secure 150 of her friends to come spend money, and all the ladies – even Barb – attend, except for Bethenny.
Instead Bethenny is at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Big Mistake. HUGE. This gives Ramona and Luann the opportunity to bond over Bethenny not supporting their events. Bethenny was wearing a rubber dress, and if she showed up in that, Ramona would be even more pissy, though!
Luann being a defensive diva exasperates Sonja. The two are not copacetic concepts. If Luann wants to be a diva, she has to be above the peons – meaning she wouldn’t even notice who attended her cabaret. Basically: WWCDD? What Would Celine Dion Do? Celine would not invite Harry Dubin to her event that’s for damn sure, but this is Ramona’s event and it’s more of a cautionary tale to NY Kids on how not to live your life than a charity function!
So of course Harry Dubin was there. Of course Ramona didn’t tell the other women. Of course Ramona’s been ditching them to hang out with Harry. Basically Ramona doesn’t have Aviva Drescher‘s leg to stand on in judging Bethenny for not showing up. “If Ramona and Harry are really an item, that’s enough to make me gag,” opines Luann. Co-sign, countess, co-sign.
Sonja is livid. Even more so when Ramona decides they all have to celebrate her birthday while they’re visiting Luann’s “bird’s nest” in upstate — even though none of them are invited to the party Ramona’s friends are throwing her downstate.
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Whomever filmed The Angel Ball is killing Ramona softly and I am living for this revenge! Once again Ramona is busted saying something there, which she denies saying when confronted. Was Ramona super wasted at this event, or just her usual levels of toxic? In this instance Ramona tells Sonja that their mutual friend Lucia (whose plastic surgery should guarantee her a place on this show over Barb) didn’t want to invite Sonja to the party she’s throwing for Ramona. Harken back to The Angel Ball, where Lucia says she wants to include Sonja, but Ramona tells Lucia NO.
Ramona uses Lucia’s supposed lack of invitation to justify her demanding Dorinda and Sonja throw her a party too. Basically Ramona wanted two parties, but that’s not gonna happen according to Sonja. I love Sonja when she is clear-headed, ruffled up to her chest in pink fabric, and landing snarky comments with the precision of one of her ‘boytoys’ in the sack.
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I have to interrupt myself to mention how great Dorinda looked at this event! She is after-the-flu-skinny, and decked out in a McQueen dress she hasn’t seen in years because it was hidden in her closet behind a Santa Clause collection. Sonja mistakes it for a “Sonja Morgan New York” dress which is hilarious.
Finally, Ramona, Sonja, and Dorinda announce the purpose of everyone being here, buying donated handbags and Countess Collection statement necklaces, is not to shop but to support Birdie, or Bridie – depending on who you ask (Don’t ask Ramona!).
While Ramona is attempting to – badly – explain her involvement in this cause using Ramonafication from the Ramonictionary, Sonja and Dorinda interrupt constantly. Sonja wants Ramona to stop talking so everyone can hear Bridie’s story straight from the horses mouth, except Sonja Freudian slips and says “whore’s mouth.” The whole time Bridie is speaking, Dorinda and Ramona hiss at each other for who is more rude, and who interrupted whom, until Sonja interrupts them both with a double-handed CLIP right over Bridie’s face. I can’t even make this stuff up, or even accurately recap it, because it was such a literal cluster fuck! We need a giant banana hair clip to descend over these three and permanently silence them!
“Well at least we raised the money already,” Sonja shrugs, but all is not well. Dorinda and Sonja are furious that Ramona has ben drinking the Countess’s Narcissistic UnCool-aid – and Ramona’s not even a cabaret star!
TELL US – IS RAMONA AN ITEM WITH HARRY DUBIN? WAS BETHENNY RUDE FOR LEAVING THE CABARET EARLY? SHOULD BRIDIE SUE RAMONA FOR EMOTIONAL DISTRESS?
[Photo Credits; Bravo]