This show I tell you. The Real Housewives Of New York ladies know how to do it right. Every episode is like going to an all you can eat buffet.
Only on Real Housewives Of New York can you have a drunken collapse over an argument about cabaret turn into political commentary on the last time Sonja Morgan probably felt relevant. Which flows into competing artists giving out free art and Ramona Singer inviting her ex-husband and new boyfriend to a party, then being forced to admit to making out with her former friend’s ex-husband in front of another friend who also hooked up with this same guy.
So Sonja has just face planted off a dinner party and now Bethenny Frankel is trying to pry her off the floor. Which is sort of like trying to scrape gum off the bottom of your shoe. Bethenny, know this: Sonja loves being down there. The whole time Sonja keeps slurring that she’s going to punch Bethenny out. “Did something break down there,” calls Tinsley Mortimer who’s changing in order to go out with Ramona. Dorinda Medley just watches this entire scene while sipping from her wine glass.
Barbara Kavovit and Bethenny prop Sonja into standing, Weekend At
Luann’s Bernies style, and do an emergency medial assemsnt: lashes-on! Botox-still firm! Or maybe not… what is that bump?! Was there a wrinkle pop, or a head injury?! Sonja is so glassy-eyed confused she thinks she’s seeing Jesus, but it’s only Bethenny, an angel in a white dress calling the paramedics to bring a medical-grade hangover patch. Bethenny’s concern that Sonja could have a concussion was valid, though.
Barbara escapes Bethenny manages to get Sonja upstairs while they wait for the ambulance. Finally Ramona comes strolling in (from where?!) wearing what can only be described as a slutty choir robe. As Bethenny is explaining what happened, she’s just casually pulling out Sonja’s clip-in extensions, like the shedding of drunk skin, and tossing them on the bedside table. Later that night Sonja probably brushed them with a toilet brush and called them Marley.
I feel like a court reporter here, in that I need to record everything that happened so as to preserve it for posterity, and since posterity sounds like posterior, let us note for the record that Sonja was groping Bethenny’s ass as she tried to figure out the light switch. When Bethenny tucked Sonja into bed to give her a concussion test by asking who the president was, Sonja answered Clinton. Bill Clinton – Sonja used to party with him on a yacht in G’staad, with a smokey eye, updo, cigar box, and he loved Sonja’s ass, especially in the south of France at P.Diddy’s mansion which had a solid gold toaster oven and was co-owned by a Nigerian soccer team called the Craigslist Creepers.
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Anyway, Sonja turns out to be fine. So fine that she was sexually harassing the paramedics. Did Bravo comb all of Miami Date County to find the hottest EMTs? You know they did! Meanwhile, Ramona and Tinsley hit the town, blithely commenting on the paramedics as they climb into their Uber. Luann de Lesseps never even left her room to check on Sonja, even though a shell-shocked Barbara woke Lu to tell her about the fall. Luann probably stayed in hiding assuming all the flashing lights were coming to arrest her again. The Countess Does Incarcerated Cabaret isn’t rehearsed enough yet! Seriously remember when Johnny Cash played in prison – that could be Luann with cabaret!
Out of the prison of this glass mansion where people are throwing non-stop stones, Tinsley starts crying that Miami reminds her of Scott Kluth. She is upset that he didn’t track her down here to send flowers. Who could forget that high school prom rose display in Columbia! Ramona has had it. She uses an assortment of wine glasses and jars of tequila worms as visual aids to explain that it is time for Tinsley to move on. Ramona really should teach this course in college.
The next morning Luann is up early, bellowing for coffee, the way the rest of these women bellowed for booze the previous evening. I think Luann did this on purpose, passive-aggressively. Bethenny, who was forced to stay up late to deal with Pinot-fied Tinsley, refers to Luann as “the Joan Crawford of coffee” and blames cabaret for going to her head. Coffee dearest, anyone?
Unsurprisingly Sonja is bright-eyed and bushy-haired as she rips off the hangover patch and announces “I feel great.”
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Then Ramona and Sonja suit up in swim attire to roll down for eggs ala Francaise, but Luann has already had 9 cups of coffee, two yoga classes, and plenty of time to ruminate over how she is the true victim of last night. She’s sulking by the pool, avoiding the other women until Sonja apologizes. Which is Luann’s excuse for why she didn’t check on Sonja after her fall. The other women complain that this is further proof that Luann is living in her own bubble which she blieves is floating like a big fancy star above them. They are not wrong. I’d like to remind you that all of last night’s drama was started over HARRY. DUBIN. Aka, the worm at the bottom of a cheap bottle of tequila.
Ramona, whose enormously protruding boobs are like a bullet-proof vest, elects herself to be the one who talks to Luann. Luann vents that al the women are jealous of her success in finding something she loves, and Ramona, just openly scoffs, “No, I don’t think so.” But the real issue here is that Luann doesn’t want to be around Sonja, or anyone, when they’re drunk because Luann doesn’t want to be the boring sober one. Luann decides to soothe things over with Sonja by inviting her to attend an AA meeting later that day. Yep, that’ll hangover patch things right up!
Luann is struggling with sobriety, but blaming the other women for not having to deal with this. The other women aren’t responsible for shielding their drinking from her, but she makes a good point that they’re essentially tearing her down over the cabaret while she’s in an emotionally vulnerable state. Luann sees cabaret as one of the few positive things in her life right now after hitting such a rock bottom, but the real thing she’s dealing with is figuring out how to be the Countess without alcohol, and Real Housewives Of New York is not a safe place for this learning curve.
Meanwhile, inside, Sonja insists she only had 5 welcome cocktails. In Big Gulp sized cups? Sonja, like her pal Lu, is also in denial about her drinking so when Luann pulls her aside for a chat, Sonja insists she doesn’t have a problem because she’s read “Alcoholism for Dummies” and passed that little self-assessment quiz in the back of the book. Also when Sonja goes to the doctor she lies about how many drinks per week she consumes so that doctor says she’s fine.
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Considering that Luann fell into a bush, Sonja decides she’s in no position to judge her drinking, but as Luann points out she fell into a bush because SHE HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. Needless to say Sonja is not going to AA, but she is going to get another drink to sit by the pool! Strangely she’s not mad that Luann called her manic and accused her of being on pills, she’s angry that Luann told the other women, before speaking to her directly. “If I said that about you, you’d be in jail,” Sonja reasons. Which is a good point, and now they’re friends again who read each other’s minds and swap each others boy toys. Are they still called boy toys if they’re aged 50+? Geezer games?
Suddenly everyone realizes Barbara was missing only when they see her coming through the door following a run. Ramona instantly launches into a justification that she wasn’t being a mean girl to Barabara the night before, she was just expressing her big personality, so Barabara should just deal with it. Then Luann heads to AA and everyone else goes to sit by the pool. Dorinda has a new bathing suit and is wondering why it’s sticking uncomfortably to her labia, when she realizes she never took out the protective crotch shield. Without shame Dorinda rips it out and then climbs into the pool with Bethenny. “That’s very elegant,” she jokes.
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Ramona has brought noodles with her from NYC, or paid Tej to go buy some from CVS. He happily complied to escape captivity and sent an SOS signal to the Concierge hotline (See: Grand Budapest Hotel). The women discuss the birthday party Ramona is throwing herself at the house and inviting all her friends
with benefits to. How is she finding all these people in Miami? The other women were permitted to invite a select number of people, but only men.
Luann returns just in time to hear Ramona telling everyone that Mario is also in town, and will be coming to the party, along with Kevin, the guy she’s currently dating. Did Ramona fly them out expressly for this, or does Kevin live in Miami, and Mario happened to be there for some other reason? I need a flow chart for Ramona’s dating life.
Finally, everyone flees this crazy compound for a cultural experience at Wynwood Walls, an art complex which houses the studios of artist friends of Luann and Bethenny. On their way, Ramona announces that she’s not joining them, because she’s meeting friends (men!) at a hotel in order to strategize about how to juggle Kevin and Mario. Ramona can’t decide if she’s using Kevin to make Mario jealous; or using Mario to make Kevin run? After seeing Ramona as the type of insane, self-absorbed, psychotic woman who invites her ex-husband to a party where she’s also bringing a date (and I think that Michael was another fling) Kevin should change his number STAT. Only Ramona would think this is a good plan!
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Luann happens to know Peter Tunney, who makes the kind of generic pop art that was the precursor to Instagram memes. He sells Bethenny a $10,000 green stop sign that reads “Don’t Stop Ever.” It’s the perfect art for someone as surface and transparent as Bethenny. Then Peter starts handing out gifts to the other women. To Tinsley he gifts a $5,000 Andy Warhol-style paint can to use as a clutch. Then Sonja gets a present, then Dorinda, then Barbara… and finally Luann realizes she’s the only one left. In a moment that was so purely unguarded, Luann whispers to Peter, “You forgot me…” And it was sort of touching, and humanizing and sad glimpse into Luann’s childhood as one of 6, always fighting for attention and recognition. Peter hadn’t forgotten Luann, but he did forget Bethenny!
Bethenny doesn’t understand how she spent $10k, with no gift, and Tinsley is walking away with a $5k freebie. ” I guess I still go it!” Tinsley grins at the confidence boost. But Bethenny is always here to burst a bubble when you’re on top, and snaps, “My daughter is my present. I have one. She doesn’t.” SO. FUCKING. MEAN. And it’s moments like this that you see Bethenny’s image slip.
Then they head over to Romero Brutto’s studio, where Bethenny has commissioned Swarovski crystal hearts to give each of the women to commemorate this ‘wonderful’ trip. “I feel like we’re not disgusting, vapid, vile alcoholic arguers when we do stuff like this,” she explains. What about when we shame our friends for not having a baby? Bethenny also decides that as punishment for missing the activity, Ramona doesn’t get one.
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Back at the house, Mario arrives for the party looking carefree and ready to be entertained by Ramonja. Ramona does not disappoint by openly picking a wedgie in front of him and pretending her skirt liner is just bunched up. After deep throating some eel sushi, Sonja, who is only drinking splashes of Tito’s after her giant bender, casually lets it drop tp Mario that Ramona has a date coming. I feel like Mario, knowing Ramona as he does, was already well-aware and came to this party just to troll Ramona! Not finished with her Harry Dubious revenge Sonja also lets it slip that Ramona has been making out with him, and Mario bursts into laughter.
Then Bethenny drives the dagger in deeper by informing Ramona that they all got gifts from the artists, but she got none!
Ramona’s date, Kevin, is cute, and nice, and smart — and probably Dear John-ing her. I hope! Ramona does not deserve anyone decent. Like she actually asked if Barbara’s female friend is her lover, and Sonja interjects that they had to wonder because Barbara is sexually fluid. Didn’t Sonja just make out with a woman?! They are so disgustingly rude and shameful! Barbara and her friend handled it classily, and this makes me want Barabara off this show because she is not horrid enough.
Tinsley is supposed to be mingling and meeting some man Bethenny invited, but instead spends the whole night crying to her adorable sister Dabney about Scott. Dabney has clearly had it with this nonsense and essentially tells Tinsley to get a grip. Tinsley probably thinks that means not to forget her clutch bag soup can full of unopened daddy baggage.
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Also, Luann, who looked amazing, brought a date and even handled explaining her sobriety fairly well. I’d say things are looking up for the countess, but then I saw the preview for next episode. Just when I’m really liking Bethenny again, next week is gonna happen!
TELL US – ARE THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK BEING TOO HARD ON LUANN? SHOULD SONJA BE VISITING AA? IS RAMONA TRYING TO MAKE MARIO JEALOUS OR KEVIN?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]