Kandi text messages

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta went left to The Matrix. I don’t even know what happened, but I feel like I entered an alternate universe? Of secret carpet muncher people? Even writing that feels wrong and homophobic. I want to go back home! I want to go click my Louboutins together and be transported to an RHOA of wig tugs, Bloops! and weird pickle photoshoots.

I had forgotten how debased Kandi Burruss and Porsha Williams argument was in the week-off where I watched gorgeous gowns float across the Oscars stage. You can catch up on that recap here.

It was a hard jolt back to reality (I ate the blue pill! On a Monday!) to have the episode open with Porsha accusing Kandi and Todd of possibly planning to drug her then drag her into their hidden sex dungeon. OK – WHAT?!

Porsha “heard this” lurid rumor from someone else. Apparently she believes it. We know how those words on the street work in Atlanta. Turn here for “Liable Suit Way”! Kandi rightfully wants Porsha to present receipts to back-up any of her claims.

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Honestly, I can believe a lot of crazy things, and we here at Reality Tea Enterprises of Housewives Exceptionalism, hear A LOT of behind-the-scenes dirt, but I have never heard anything close to this, and frankly, I don’t think Kandi is that stupid to attempt to drug and seduce her castmate!

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Kandi reveals all this to her collective audience of Cynthia Bailey, Kenya Moore, and Sheree Whitfield. Kenya falls on the floor cackling when she learns that Kandi’s secret world is basically Silence Of The Lambs.

Then enters Kandi’s surprise star witness: Shamea Morton! Shamea was there the night in question when a drunk Porsha propositioned Kandi and offered to, well, you know … (I can’t believe they can even say that on television at 8pm!).

Shamea

Shamea denies that she and Kandi have ever been intimate, and tries (unsuccessfully) to walk the line between defending both Porsha and Kandi. Basically Shamea finds herself in the awkward position of chugging from her Solo Cup. She does not recall sex dungeons or dark hazy experiences under the influence of Marvin.

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Finding no one willing to hear of her drama with Kandi, Porsha tells her sister Lauren the details. Lauren is scandalized by the drug accusation. Yet, Porsha insists she heard this. And, not only that, the night she allegedly offered to eat Kandi like a chicken cutlet, Porsha had on Hennessy Goggles while Kandi was sober.

RELATED – Kenya Believes Liars Deserve To Be Fired!

Porsha wants to take RHOA to church

Meanwhile Phaedra Parks went to church! Literally. She’s been saved by a pair of pastors from the dREAM Foundation who have shown her the light at the end of the dark tunnel of her divorce from Apollo. Phaedra decides that since glamping failed spectacularly what all the ladies need is a prayer circle. Can Jesus fix this mess? Does Jesus know a good attorney? And I don’t mean Phaedra!

Kandi has other plans to fix things – and this is where it gets even more batshit unbelievable. She meets Marvin-Todd at the future OLG Restaurant to show off the progress. It’s a real life business y’all! And after complaining about how crazy things have been – especially dealing with the nasty accusations from Porsha – Todd proposes a getaway to Maui. Kandi decides she has to invite ALL the girls. Even the ones she doesn’t like – like Phaedra! Then Todd decides his boys have to come too, but since none of these women have men any longer, the ex-husbands convention will have to suffice. Especially the recently cast-aside Peachter. Cause that won’t be awkward at all. Obviously no one wants Porsha there. None of that conversation was believable in the least. The theme of this episode is “Unbelievable!”

Kandi & Todd plan Maui

Even more-so, Kandi meets Phaedra and Cynthia for tacos (no irony there considering what Porsha wants to eat and where the original lesbian accusations stemmed), so she can personally extend the Maui invitation. Even though Kandi and Phaedra aren’t friends, don’t like each other, and Kandi doesn’t trust her or think she owes Phaedra any apologies, Kandi still wants her on this trip. Cause… ummmm… Bravo contracts?

Phaedra needs a drink to digest this invitation, not only is Maui is where she and Apollo honeymooned, but also because Todd and Peter both don’t like her. Kandi brushes that aside claiming Todd is over the drama and so is she! Yeah, based on the previews – not so much! Echoing Shamea, Phaedra chugs her cocktail before agreeing to attend. Phaedra is still not telling any of the other women that her divorce is finalized because she doesn’t share her business with people she doesn’t consider friends. That is probably wise in this group!

Cynthia, little desperate freak that she is, is excited for the opportunity to get more closure with Peter before they finalize the divorce. Um… exactly how many times is Cynthia gonna need to get closure? This is like what the fourth? fifth? closure she’s seeking from the man who she filed for divorce from, yet wants to be BFFs with. Oh, and she also wants it known that Porsha is also a liar when it comes to her claims that Peter cheated.  I dunno… word on the streets, and all.

Anyway, the crux of the matter is that Phaedra is not going on this trip without Porsha, and when she tells Kandi that her +1 is forever Frack, Kandi shrugs that she understands. Like Oh, yeah, I mean I sort of might sue Porsha for slander because those accusations could ruin my entire life, professionally and personally, but it’s cool – Hawaii has big beaches!

Now listen – if someone was going around town, Mama Joyce-style, and accusing me of trying to drug and seduce them because someone told me that, I certainly would not be going on any vacations with them. And I certainly wouldn’t be OK with my non-friend having them tag-along. This is so stupid. Especially since Kandi doesn’t even like Phaedra or consider her a friend! C’mon, Bravo, you can do better.

Before heading to Maui, Sheree meets Bob at the gym to discuss all the progress they’ve made in mending their relationship. First comes love, then comes bitter enemies, then comes Sheree and Bob sitting in Maui K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Which is better than K-I-L-L-I-N-G each other in a courtroom!

Kenya’s brother visits with his family, and she tells him all about the drama with Matt. After Kenya tells her brother that Matt broke her windows and stalked her, she insists he “treats her like a queen,” because she is worthy of such worship. Uhhh… if he’s busting our your windows and threatening you, you’re not getting the royal treatment, Krayonce! Kenya’s brother pretty much has no words… especially after she explains that she and Matt are just on a break, but not over-over. A break Matt didn’t want, but Kenya did. Kenya’s brother reminds her there are no breaks in real-world relationships, you know ones that aren’t filmed for reality TV entertainment purposes.

Phaedra invites Porsha

Then Phaedra invites Porsha to get her fat lasered off while she turns herself into a human extra-hot taco in order to sweat the pounds off. Oh, I should mention this took place at a spa, and was the prequel to Phaedra begging Porsha to come along on the Maui trip. The many faces of Phaedra Parks – sassy attorney with glasses by morning, human hot pocket by lunch, hula girl by dessert! Seriously she pops out of the changing room wearing a grass skirt like AND YOU GET A TRIP TO HAWAII WITH ALL THE PEOPLE YOU HATE THE MOST! Some of whom you’ve accused of possibly planning to drug you in their secret sex dungeon. Porsha is all, Ummmm.. I dunno. .. Kandi and I sort of hate each other right now, but OK! Sure – I’ll go! Cause Frick and Frack will sink or swim together, I suppose.

Then it’s off to Hawaii. Kandi hates Porsha so much they end up on separate flights. There is no mention of the drama that Kandi was kicked off her flight, but I mean, there’s all sorts of mysteries on this episode. Like I needed the Scooby-Doo Crew to charge in and yank the mask off the real villain.

The Kandi Crew arrives first, grousing that soon Frick and Lack Of Facts will be arriving to ruin this perfectly good vacation. By dinner time, it’s actually 2am ATL time and no one is in great spirits. Naturally that’s when Porsha strolls in wearing a prom dress and dragging along her own uninvited +1 in the form of Todd2. To avoid confusion, Porsha explains that Kandi’s Todd, “little Todd,” will hereby be called “Toddler.” I prefer Todvin myself, in homage to the two sides of Todd Tucker’s Existence: Todd, hubby of Kandi and Marvin, man of many! Porsha needed Todd2 there to decipher any potential man-speak. Whatever.

Phaedra finds herself seated right by Peachter. Because if you have nothing nice to say about someone, make sure to seat them side-by-side. That’s Housewives Dinner Party Etiquette 101.

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Before the meal is even served, She By SheMessy declares they need to talk about the rumors swirling. Kandi leaves the table and returns with a sheath of papers. I wrongly assumed it was an itinerary. So with Porsha insisting she never lied about Kandi’s sex life, while out of the other side of her mouth acknowledging that “maybe” she did drunkenly proposition Kandi, Kandi passes around screenshots of texts from Porsha confirming that YES, they did have a drunken night where Porsha attempted to put the “B in LGBT”and also that Porsha saying she would deny it if Kandi ever brought it up. Even worse – in the messages Porsha jokes about “trying to rape” Kandi. Well, receipts served!

Porsha’s position is that since Kandi put her down-low extracurriculars on blast, she’s justified in having her secrets exposed as well. Does that sound a bit blackmail-ish to anyone else? It just seems like Porsha needs reality management more than anger management cause um… just no!

Kandi, echoing an Apollo-tactic, triumphantly declares that the screenshots prove Porsha is a liar and a fraud. Porsha stands firm that she is neither, and continues to insist she was telling the truth – the whole truth and nothing but about all of it. Sheree hisses that Porsha needs to “drop the drug thing.” Sheree knows her way around the dealings of a courtroom, so yeah, I agree. Especially when Kandi pointblank scream that she will sue Porsha over these libelous claims. Porsha wasn’t phased though. Even when Cynthia interjected to claim Porsha lied about her marriage as well, Porsha snaps that Cynthia’s divorce decree proves otherwise. DANG.

RELATED – Just How Final IS Phaedra’s Divorce?

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A hysterical Kandi desperately turns to Phaedra for support and validation that she would never drug anyone or hide a sex dungeon, and to call out Porsha as a liar. Phaedra, though, true to form is the living incarnate of Plead The Fifth. She’s decided to stay out of this massive mess between Kandi and Porsha…even though the lesbian rumors began with Phaedra’s lips!

I do think it’s ironic that Kandi wanted Phaedra’s support in all this considering how dirty she treated her in the Apollo situation. I’m also surprised Shamea wasn’t a surprise guest in Maui!

TELL US – WHAT ARE YOU THOUGHTS ON THE ACCUSATIONS? IS PORSHA A LIAR AND A FRAUD? OR DOES KANDI HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE.

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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