Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was about righting wrongs, ending recriminations, and dealing with loss. Except if you’re Dorit Kemsley, then it was about holding onto a grudge that doesn’t even belong to you.
First my condolences to Lisa Vanderpump who lost Pink Dog. Unbeknowst to Ken and Lisa, Pink Dog had a heart condition and went into cardiac arrest, dying in Ken’s arms on the way to the vet. Ken and Lisa are obviously devastated by losing one of their furry children, and worst of all, Ken blames himself. Then right after Pink Dog’s sudden passing, another of their pack, Pikachu, ended up on a ventilator. Grief? I’m sure Ken and Lisa have rescued at least 100 more dogs since then, and they’re now stacking them on top of each other like shoe boxes to form a furry bulwark against evil bitches, but it’s sad about Pink Dog all the same. RIP.
So for some odd reason, maybe because she has a conscience (something money can’t buy!), Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave calls Dorit to apologize for all the drama with Lisa Rinna. Now I’ve thought about this a lot in the week long absence from our Beverly Hills boondoggles, and yeah, I dunno – If I were Teddi, I might have told Lipsa about Dorit’s comments too. Her real mistake was letting DORIT know. Dorit didn’t deserve that kindness, and proving yet again that her obsession with manners is nothing but a poorly rendered
wig facade, Dorit could not be less gracious in response to Teddi’s apology.
Instead of accepting Teddi’s apology and adding one for calling Teddi psychotic and treating her atrociously, Dorit rolls her eyes and complains that Teddi is only trying to justify her bad behavior. Basically that apology, like everything else about Teddi, isn’t good enough for Dorit’s aspirational delusions about her own self-importance. Maybe Dorit will roll her eyes so hard they’ll get stuck and she’ll be forced to take a good hard look at the inside of her own mind? Eh – just like her bank account and soul, it’ll probably be empty.
Also – wasn’t it Dorit who tattled to Erika Girardi and threw Teddi and all her other friends under the bus at Teddi’s beach house? I didn’t see HER apologizing to Teddi!
Kyle Richards meets Teddi for lunch and Kyle orders something with bread. I have to assume moving is causing her to stress eat carbs. Good for her – be normal in this cesspool of bought and paid for craziness. Kyle, like LVP, is not surprised that Erika turned into the Dragon Lady. Kyle reasons that Erika keeps so much bottled up inside that when she snaps it takes over her whole body.
We receive an interlude from Dorit sucking with a visit from Mama Lois, mother of all lips. Lipsa’s mom is charming, sassy, and all around good fun. Lisa decides to host a lunch so Lois can put all these entitled bitches in line. No one, she hopes, will talk back to her mama! Teddi wasn’t sure if she would attend, fearing another remix of Erika’s personality, but decided to rally and put her big girl jumpsuit on.
Lois orders French toast and all the women openly salivate while picking at their salads. But at least they all behaved appropriately! Nice to know some niceties, like respecting your elders, remain sacred (ahem… DORIT). And lucky for Teddi, Erika was absent from Lois’s schooling to speak at something called “Girl Cult.”
I am so confused by Erika’s “Girl Cult” thing. First of all, doesn’t Erika actually dislike women? She complained endless that she has no female friends by choice. Secondly, she’s wearing a jacket that says “Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned” – to empower teens? Thirdly, the Girl Cult creators are men. Which just seems odd (not that this has anything to do with Erika). Am I missing something pivotal here? Like the point of Erika’s sudden Women’s Empowerment Funded By Elderly Peen? But I should stop being so judgey – maybe she’s trying to turn over a new gold leaf?
The penultimate party of the episode was the return of Kyle’s psychic friend Rebecca. Who brags of receiving “phone calls from heaven” (I’m pretty sure that was also a Hallmark Channel movie staring any actress with a dying career) from a spirit called “Papa God.” Which is probably also what Erika calls her husband. Rebecca is here to read them from dead.
Kyle believes wholeheartedly in all this. Of course she does, because she wants reassurance that Big Kathy loves her even from the beyond and her need for acceptance will fund this charlatan’s building of a beach house in Malibu. Poor Kyle – she even wore her special mystical gypsy caftan to better channel the dead with! Unfortunately Big Kathy’s only remark about Kyle creating a sitcom about her life is that Kyle isn’t using the right clothes and hair to represent her. BK says nothing of Kyle’s accomplishment, though. That was sad. Erika believes she has her own psychic powers. Which… if you could see the future, communicate with the dead, and read auras, wouldn’t you do a better job of connecting with the living?
We also discovered that Erika really is possessed! By spirts from her past life when she was a boy living on a ship. I’m guessing that personality was named “Erik” and somehow he reincarnated into Erika’s current personalities as anime character by night; trophy wife by day. Maybe she taps into her dead demons when she gets mad? Who knows… but now she really does scare me.
LVP puts Erika on blast by revealing that she is the only woman who did not contact her with condolences. LVP confronts Erika about her misunderstanding of the pack order. I thought it was a little desperate of LVP to basically be begging Erika for acknowledgement and then chastising her about how friends should behave towards her. But I dunno – grief can be weird, and Erika at least just gave her a hug and moved on. I mean if Lisa had been Teddi.
Nobody else is buying Rebecca’s nonsense but they’re all at the seance to support Kyle, receive a Lisa Rinna “duster” from her QVC collection, and maybe get a barking from the beyond as a hello from Pink Dog. Rebecca reveals that Dorit and PK apparently met in their past lives, where Dorit was predictably rude and late and PK was overbearing. Teddi’s childhood friend likes to hang out at her beach house and stalk her, un-living vicariously through Teddi’s marriage to Edwin the hottie. Twitter told Rebecca that LVP’s dog passed and she’s getting a sense from @BravoTV that the dog was pink.
Also, John Lennon is a really huge RHOBH fan, and bored in the beyond, he decided to chill at Kyle’s house? Or maybe he’s a huge fan of Erika Jayne‘s music?
All things considered, the evening went well. There were no e-cigarettes, and no dredging up dead arguments. Best of all, Teddi and Erika decided to simply set aside their differences until another, more appropriate time, and be civil. Like two adult women, they both accept they will likely never be friends but for the sake of their extended friend group they can get along. It was so… refreshingly mature! Like crisp, tart sauvignon blanc after wine coolers from a Solo Cup
at Dorit’s BBQ. Teddi even sat next to Erika at dinner, where they chatted about such superficial niceties such as earrings.
Over dessert, Erika announced that she’s taking a work trip to Berlin, and she’d like all the women to come along. Even Teddi. Then Erika apologized to Teddi for losing her temper, but explained that she felt Teddi’s accusation was out of line. Teddi accepted and apologized back and they agreed to have a one-on-one discussion later. Well, what have we here?! I have no idea if it was the Lois influence or the Rebecca one, or the calm before a very VERY terrible storm caused by Erika’s past boy on boat personality, but for now everyone is getting along and behaving like the adults we all knew they had hiding in their Birkins.
Well, Erika passed out invitations to Berlin, but Lisa Rinna passed out dusters. Seriously it was ‘You get a duster!’ ‘AAAAANd you get a duster!’ ‘Oh your dog died – here’s a duster to make you feel better!’ No Lipsa, we don’t want dusters! Do we? Cause what even is that?!
TELL US – SHOULD DORIT HAVE ACCEPTED TEDDI’S APOLOGY? ARE YOU SURPRISED ERIKA APOLOGIZED? DO YOU WANT A DUSTER?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]