The Vanderpump Rules crew is still in Cabo celebrating our day of national reckoning; a day where dysfunction is recognized as a peril in great need of attention.
This day is also known as Stassi Schroeder's birthday. While in her mind this day is as important as the day of Jesus' birth, for the rest of humanity it is a day that we remain buried under our covers and asking where it all went so wrong. I blame her mother – it's always the mother's fault, right?!
Anyway things in Cabo are going bad, bad, bad because right in the middle of Stassi's birthday dinner, before anyone remember to order Stassi an appetizer or a drink, Katie Maloney and Tom 2 erupt into an argument about who's more of a moron. Can we call a draw?
Katie flees the table in what can only be described as a pair of pantyhose recycled into a dress. It was a flesh-colored poncho, it was frightful. Maybe it was flesh eating and that explains her sheer stupidity as her brain was a casualty of it's voraciousness. Also it matched her hair.
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No longer voracious, but vicious, Stassi follows a tearful Katie and berates her for not remembering that this dinner is all about her. And nobody cares about Katie's stupid problems and stupid life and stupid self and she sucks, sucks, sucks because last time Stassi looked on Google the homepage was changed to a montage of her photos because this day is totally and utterly devoted to HER. Katie calls her cruel.
Stassi foams at the mouth until Kristen Doute hands her a drink. Literally six seconds later they're all in the pool chugging cocktails while the boys do shots at the bar.
At some point Tom 2 and Katie make amends. He apologizes to her, but I feel like SHE is the one who needs to apologize. To all of us. She decides they're practically engaged again. Yay-to-the-nay.
All is well until the stupidity that is Jax Taylor decides to 'check in' on Stassi because he's worried she'll stop putting out her birthday is ruined. Stassi removes her bikini top and lets her delusional DD's (fantasy bra size?!) float free but they sag like dead weights to the bottom of the pool.
Stassi bribes Jax to swim down and pick them up, then quickly ensnares him in her Ursula like tentacles. Jax trades his last bit of manparts for freedom when he confesses that Tom 1 told him he did hookup with Ariana, BUT he since he confessed this to Stassi while they were dating it's secret info. Stassi's laugh echos through the drunken seaside town and caused a typhoon. Clearly I watch Little Mermaid too much.
As soon as she can Stassi races over to Kristen and spills the beans. Kristen reacts by drinking her body weight in tequila and doing an ugly cryface. The next morning, bright-eyed and busy-haired, Scheana Marie enacts her revenge. She sidles into the boys room, plops down, and casually reveals in front of Tom 1 that Jax told Stassi about his Vegas hookup with Ariana. Her smirk was awesome. #Winning. Hoes, you lose.
Tom 1 is shocked, his mouth drops open. Jax is tongue-tied and lying some more. He fingers the place where his penis once was and looks sad and empty. All this for an evil witch who will never love him. Out by the pool Kristen is the epitome of walking dead and I think she may have swallowed water from the glass where Stassi stored Jax's dick.
From the depths of Kristen's hangover comes a rage. I thought she was going to puke, but instead she starts shrieking. She corners Jax, who now refuses to discuss his little reveal, then attacks Tom 1 about what happened with Ariana. Tom denies everything and calls Jax a liar. Everyone is pissed at Jax and well they should be. He's a disgrace to both boy code and girl code.
Seeing the crazy she has unleashed Scheana backs sloooowly away from the scene and laughs til she pees herself behind the bushes. I'm pretty sure Shay's t-shirt said "Karma, bitches!"
Back at SUR Ariana is kicking serious a$$ and Lisa Vanderpump is crowning her in pink roses about the awesome job she's doing. #Winning Hoes, you lose!
Kristen continues her crying meltdown by the side pool and decides to call Lisa to demand she fire Ariana or Kristen is quitting. Lisa put the phone down, laughed heartily for several minutes, poured a glass of wine, gave Ariana the thumbs up, and returned to the line where Krsiten was still cry-ranting. "Oh I'm sorry," Lisa soothed, 'Let's discuss this when you return."
Then Lisa tells Ariana about the drama but begs her to stay. Ariana is like, "These bitches think I don't know how to play the game. I invented the game. I am the game. Tom 1 is my groupie jumpoff and if I let him get within twerking distance of me he'd be hanging off me like Stassi's tits. But I don't want him." Or a hipster version of that.
Kristen thinks Lisa totally heard her side. Stassi is like shut up and drink. They spend the day on a pirate ship where Peter Madrigal wears a pirate costume. <3 They played spin-the-bottle. I kissed my TV when it was Peter's turn. #stalker Tom 1 and Tom 2 got stuck kissing each other a couple times – proof that they're destined to be together.
Jax attempted to smuggle some booty he looted onto the ship but Stassi made him and the girls he dragged with him leave because it's HER BIRTHDAY! Later he stalked everyone to some bar where he attempted to infiltrate with the girls again and again Stassi banished him because it's HER BIRTHDAY!
Meanwhile Kristen is drunker and drunker and drunker and drunker. She staggers into the bathroom slurring that this time like for realz she's breaking up with Tom 1 who can stay at Jax's. Katie is like 'Dooo it! Doooo it! Doooo it' And do it Kristen does… with Tom.
That night Kristen sneaks into Tom's bed and they hookup. The next morning they're like together again. Because, as she tells us, she just can't quit Tom. "Every time I think about losing him I freak out and want him closer."
Stassi and Katie barge in on their post-coitus snuggling and freak out. They both RIGHTFULLY start screaming at Kristen about what an idiot she is (and SHE IS!) and vow to never listen to her complain about Tom 1 again.
Kristen cries that no one understands their love. And Tom 1 is like, 'Waaaaht… I thought you were Ariana? I was drunk… wait… wait… Stassi… I made a mistake. Save me! How did I end up back with Kristen?! NOOOOOOO…" The devil works in mysterious ways, homie.
Personally I think Kristen should dump Tom 1 and go on The Bachelor, she's crazy enough to last the first few episodes. Make this happen ABC.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHO IS CRAZIER: KRISTEN OR KATIE? SHOULD KRISTEN HAVE FORGIVEN TOM?
And for fun…
