Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Unforgivens

Vanderpump Rules is having some sort of quarter life crisis. While Stassi Schroeder is playing the adoring sycophant, Katie Maloney is attempting to reinvent herself as season 1 and 2 Stassi. It’s a piss-poor imitation though because Katie lacks the razor-sharp edge and sheer cunning wit required to pull off Stassi-ness, not to mention Katie lacks the conviction with which Stassi conducted herself as empress of the skirtsteaks. Also Katie doesn’t own a statement necklace which is like the scrunchie of SUR.

Katie is a mere “Fetch,” trying to force herself to happen as the leader of the SUR tribe, except she’s nothing but a sheep in wolf’s clothing. And she needs to give Stassi back her fur.


Man, how bout that Stassi becoming an ol’ popped balloon? Getting too big for her britches and leaving SUR really dulled her edge. She turned ‘basic’ virtually the moment she departed the cheating embrace of Jax Taylor and the Goat-Cheese scented coven of SUR. Now Stassi is just middling about, begging Katie to allow her to become Maid of Honor.

Even worse, Scheana Marie will never learn. I mean honestly – she ditches her actual friend Ariana Madix to be accepted by the one-time cool girls, then finds herself ostracized again and again when she’s no longer needed. This time because the big, bad Bridezilla doesn’t like her exchanging professional courtesies in the work place. Grow up, Katie. Seriously it lowers my esteem of Tom 2 that he puts up with her.


But first, Katie hosts a luncheon to announce her bridal party. She went to Christmas Tree Shoppe, bought a bunch of off-season decorations to shove onto your grandmother’s cookie tins then popped balloons in the faces of like 10 women to ask them to be bridesmaids. I’d say “no” on account that you just know Katie would choose a god-awful dress. Also she’s getting married on a Wednesday, which means the festivities require you taking off several days of work. Plus, she’s sending f–king tea towels as wedding invites! Why? So Tom 2‘s mother has something to wipe her tears with when she realizes he’s really going through with this? Or so guests can wipe away their drool when they pass out in boredom from hearing Katie drone on about how everything she does is perfect and important and mostspecialever.

The worst is that Katie decides Ariana can’t be a bridesmaid because she’s nice to Lala Kent. Katie doesn’t have to be besties with Ariana or even be friends, but her reasoning was so dumb. The other reason is obviously that Ariana won’t toe the line and act BFF with Kristen Doute to appease Katie. Kristen smirks self-satisfiedly as Katie explains her reasons for axing Ariana to a wide-eyed Brittany Cartwright.

Kristen actually cries about how happy she is to be part of Katie’s wedding – it’s the penultimate moment of her entire life. Well, at least somebody’s excited about getting an $18 tea towel to blow their nose on!

Scheana, Ariana’s supposed bestie, says nothing, deciding that because Ariana refuses to be a follower, she reaps what she sows. Demonstrating that indifference is the best revenge, when Katie stumbles explaining to Ariana why she’s not worthy, Ariana just shrugs. Poor Katie – she assumed Ariana would plead with her for a reason and beg her to reconsider. You know, pull a Kristen and Stassi by begging for Katie’s friendship!

After doling out acceptances and rejections, Katie is confronted with the greatest enemies the world has ever known: James and Lala.


James is in the hot seat – again – but like the frog that keeps jumping out of the boiling water, he manages to avoid being scalded – again. This time James stands accused of being put in a headlock in the back alley of SUR. The back alley needs to be made an LA monument, a place of pilgrimage for hopeful hipsters everywhere, where their concerns and meta-dramas, and microcosmic shifts in hair product placement, artisanal buzzwords, and skinnyjean tightness are revered and honored. Cause like any and all drama worth dealing with at SUR happens in that back alley! I imagine the dumpster glistens with the shed tears of wronged employees co-mingled with an emittance from Jax that no one needs to find in their drink. BARF.

Anyway, in the back alley James was put in a headlock by Scheana’s wedding photographer. Because people actually congregate there even when they don’t work at SUR? Lisa Vanderpump has thoroughly investigated whether or not James did something to provoke this Edmund, and is relieved to learn he is, for once, innocent.

Off Mr. Successful-o, superstar of his own mind, goes to spin some records, while Scheana scuttles over like a spider to see what happened. No one likes James, but this reeks of a set-up. Lisa redirects Scheana to not look down her old nose at James – after all she was once young and stupid enough to have an affair with Brandi Glanville‘s very-married husband, and not only that, she’s still stupid enough to trust Katie and Stassi as her friends. Stupid is as stupid contours.

Katie is livid James gets to stay on, so when Ariana high fives him, Katie is reaffirmed in her good decision to cut Benedict Arianas from her wedding party. Just so you know, Katie the Despotic Ruler of SUR, deems it unforgivable to have professional, courteous workplace interactions.


Unfortunately for poor Katie she’ll have to deal with Lala next. Lala has had an epiphany – she ain’t gonna fat shame no more! Proving that whore or no whore, she’s still the most mature person in this restaurant aside from Peter, for her own conscience she apologizes to Scheana and Katie. Lala seeks advice from Ariana, tackles Scheana first believing that since they once were friendly she’ll be more receptive. She’s wrong. Scheana is tremulously afraid of upsetting Katie, for very-real fear she’ll be ousted from the bridal party. A position Scheana fought so hard to achieve.

Scheana tartly informs Lala that people who aren’t nice to her friends aren’t her friends (which is why she’s friends with Kristen and Katie who aren’t nice to Ariana…), and then refuses to speak to her until Katie condones it.

For all her loyalty, while sitting on Katie’s bed surrounded by Christmas tree lights and Costco furniture, Scheana will later be accused of consorting with the enemy. Man what a sad place to go to your execution, although Scheana’s been imprisoned in her own narcissism, proudly displayed in her depressing apartment, so…

Despite things going badly with Scheana, Lala politely asks to speak with Katie in the back alley. Where else?! Katie affects a sulk as Lala appears to sincerely apologize for being mean and saying regrettable things. I thought Lala was mature and forthcoming, and impressively took the onus for her own behavior – only ever bringing up that some of her comments were retaliatory once Katie called her a whore and declared that refused to apologize for speaking the “truth.”

Apparently Katie knows people who know Lala has been sleeping with a married man who is also financing her life. Lala reacts with shock – either because she has no idea how Katie obtained the truth (which I doubt) or cause it’s not true and she has no idea why this rumor is being spread around. Lala insists that she can’t be a whore because her mouth is only on one d–k.


I think Lala likes to play the skanky part but in reality is a wallflower who wants badly to be loved, something she covers up up with audacious behaviors. Also Lala is smart and knows herself, and doesn’t seem to care so much about being accepted, which automatically makes her a threat to the SUR-stablishment. Whereas James is desperate to be part of the group, Lala seems pretty indifferent.

However, what Lala really says which strikes a nerve is that Katie is stuck – bottomed-out in a restaurant, waiting tables with nothing else beyond that. At that truth, poked like a skewer through a crispy-fried chicken, Katie storms out.

Just so you know, Lala’s mother is actually the one buying her love, not a married boyfriend. Do we believe that?

Katie summarily renounces an earlier decision to not publicly share news of Lala’s rumored affair by stomping back into the restaurant to repeat it to Scheana. Later Katie observed Scheana smiling with Lala at the bar, and decided she’s henceforth a traitor not to be trusted.

But first Katie must spend $3,000 on tea towels, and avoid her apartment while Tom 2 shoves steak and shrimp up his butt before serving it to Jax and Tom 1 on a platter. Literally.

Tom 2's prank

This was after Tom 2 asked them to be his groomsman. Figuring out something that no Real Housewives can, Tom 2 provided photographic proof of his disgusting food abuse to present to Jax and Tom after they had consumed every last morsel of dinner, then licked their plates clean. Tom starts involuntarily retching on imagined pube hairs, but then regrets that he didn’t think of this first. Jax is impassive – he’s eaten worse. Probably out of the dumpsters behind SUR.

I’m sorry but even if it was in retaliation for years of pranks, that’s just beyond gross. Not to mention totally unsanitary.


Lastly Katie and Tom throw a housewarming party. They invite all their erstwhile friends to congregate and eat Trader Joe’s dips while complaining about the ills of Lala and James. Those two are obviously not invited.

At the party Stassi bemoans being the only single girl in her group since she and Patrick are chronically on-again/off-again which is “embarrassing.” It’s only embarrassing because Stassi proclaimed him the great love of her life who would save her from SUR, palace she was so too good for. It turned out Stassi’s mind was playing tricks on her when she imagined Patrick would put up with a lifetime of her shenanigans. Now she’s embarrassed that she was reduced to grovel and is back at SUR. Only worse off than where she started.

Stassi sheds exactly ZERO TEARS while sniffling into Brittany’s shoulder over her alleged heartbreak (Patrick and Stassi had been broken up for over a year at this point, btw). Brittany promises to be there for Stassi day and night. And just ask Kristen about those nights…

Tom and Ariana hide in the corner and pretend to like these people. Tom 1 is only here for Tom 2. I truly love those two together. They’re subjected to Jax who proposes getting transexual strippers for the bachelor party.

Later Jax observes that Scheana used to be hot but now she’s not. A feeling he can sympathize with.

Then Katie corals Stassi and Kristen into her bedroom to reveal that Lala is sleeping with a married man. Kristen is apoplectic at the indignity and shrieks about Lala being a “Sociopathic skank.” Excuse me – WHAT?! These girls are friends with SCHEANA, whom Brandi Glanville will happily remind them not only cheated with her husband but told the stories to the tabloids in order to get on a Skinnemaxx After Dark nudie flick famous! And KRISTEN! OMG – the nerve of that girl calling anyone out for being whorish!

Needless to say they refuse to allow Katie to accept any apologizes from Lala, but Katie is more upset that Scheana was consorting with the enemy!

While they’re cozied up in Katie’s bed, virtually hanging Scheana by the Christmas lights, Scheana is outside explaining how she valiantly defended Katie to Lala and Lala deserves no empathy. Ariana is confused about why they care so much about the life of someone they work with in a restaurant.

Realizing her true friends have left her, Scheana wanders into the bedroom to be met with an icy reception. She is then forced to endure an inquisition from Katie about the nature of her conversations and smiling with Lala. Katie accuses Scheana of inviting friendship, which Scheana denies. When Scheana wises up and refuses to beg forgiveness, Katie’s eyes narrow and a hiss bubbles up in her throat. Tequila Katie is on the rise…

Wasn’t this just “THE BEST GROUP OF GIRLS” ever like 15 minutes ago? I hate to say it but Scheana deserves it. Or does she?


[Photo Credits: Bravo]