Vanderpump Rules Recap: Have I Told You That I Love You?

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules tormented lovebirds Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz fixed everything and now their relationship is perfect. All it took was a little tough love from Lisa Vanderpump.

In the land of SUR and SURvival, all amounts to one’s role in the annual photoshoot where themes range from nearly naked, naked, to naked with accompanying awkward sexual encounters. This year Lisa is trying to take that up a notch by adding a last supper of hedonism complete with a fake roasted pigs and grapes on Ariana Madix‘s butt. BUT more on that later – Lisa’s first order of business is to ask Katie why on earth she and Tom 2 went on a vacation and spent the entire time in an extended “flare up”?

Seriously why does Katie call their arguments flare-ups? It makes it sound like a herpes outbreak.


Anyway, Lisa is not feeling too positively about the future of this marriage even as Katie insists she and Tom 2 will “bottle up” all their issues until after the tie the knot. Which is less than two weeks away, so… more flare-ups coming soon!

Tom & Katie ask Lisa to officiate their wedding

However Lisa is made of magical swan poop and honeyed words that when spoken, like a cat’s tongue bath, wash all the grime away. Tom and Katie visit her at Villa Rosa with the distinct honor of requesting she officiate their wedding. To ask they hired a ‘cryer’ (like something from a freaking renaissance faire) to knock on Lisa’s door, bellow in her face, and put all the swans to shame with his honking.

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I mean, who would react positively to that? Who would honestly not question the mental health and wellness of the people asking them to officiate their wedding? Add to that their constant ‘flare-ups’ and everything else about Katie and Tom’s general lack of love, kindness, or happiness towards one and another – the only right response was to give pause (Or paws in Lisa’s case.) And paws she does!

Tom & Katie get a reality lesson from Lisa

Lisa point-blank informs them that they’re a hot mess who frankly she doesn’t even think should be getting married at this point, and since Lisa obviously takes marriage very seriously is not gonna be part of this shitshow charade if they can’t pull it together. Then everyone had a good cry, and Tom and Katie left with some homework to try and actually love each other. They promised to work very, very hard so they could raise their grade from a D to a C.

And just like that: POOF! They’re happy as pastas in sauce. Literally. After years of fighting non-stop; threatening to cancel the wedding, screaming that d–ks don’t work, etc, Tom and Katie are now wrapped in a cocoon of Pauly Shore movies and PastaFresh – and who needs summer bodies when you’re smothered in all that downy love?

They even had sex! Real sex without the aroma of burning taquitos or uhhh… other burning. And it was good sex! For like the first time ever. In fact, Katie decides she’s gonna actively achieve a “fat sex” body just for sharing her love with Tom. Well, I mean, it’s good to have goals!

Later Tom 2 and Katie Too go to the beach with the group and gushed about the total eclipse of their hate which lead to the total epiphany of the heart they experienced after talking to Lisa.

Tom 1 is dubious, but he’s also glad Lisa told them what everyone else had been thinking, but was too afraid to utter for fear that Katie would scalp off their extensions to turn into a whip to further destroy Tom 2 with. So while the winds blew on the shore, and Scheana Marie Snapchatted her life away in the background, Tom and Katie vowed to love each other more than they love tequila. Let’s hope it sticks!

Stassi Schroeder also has goals: to meet a man who’s not a “psychopathic bartender that steals sandwiches from a gas station.” Man, does Jax Taylor have an affinity for sandwiches! The dude has 3 braincells and 2.5 of them think only about sandwiches.

Stassi tries online dating

To accomplish said goal, Stassi is getting on allllll the online dating apps. It works – Kristen Doute met Carter online so that’s proof! If KRISTEN can find someone, anyone can right? As Kristen implores us, “Be a little more open minded. Bitch.” Thank you – I will. (eye roll). Kristen helps Stassi writer her profile, in which they decide to list all her flaws right away, and at the end add that she loves “Ranch Dressing” – just to prove that she’s not all evil.

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Stassi had one date that resulted in a Steve Jobs comparison an all-night make-out, the second one is a blind date with a very nice man who was so totally afraid of either the cameras or Stassi that he was rendered shell-shocked. Stassi dismisses him as “not murder-y enough.” See, Stassi doesn’t want a man who steals sandwiches, sex tapes, or one’s soul, but she does want a man that’s a little devastating. Like maybe, perhaps, “man-slaught-ery,” which is actually a good qualifier for Stassi – she is seeking her equal. She likes to socially man-slaughtery (or girlslaughtery) her friends and co-horts, so naturally she deserves an accomplice befitting of her affections.

Among the highlights of the date, Stassi informs him that she can’t possibly find time to go outdoors or exercise because she needs to sleep a lot – since that’s what makes her so pretty.

Lisa and Ariana go horseback riding which was quite glamorous and lovely to look at. Lisa decorates her horse like it belongs to Barbie, and while astride they discuss the evolution of Tom and Katie. Ariana observes that for the first time, like, ever Katie is acting like a human being and not a rage-filled hyena. Lisa is impressed with this progress. Then Lisa wonders when Ariana is gonna consummate things with Tom 1 and bring little Tom 0.5’s into the world. Ariana’s answer? Not ever.

Peter gets spray tanned

Meanwhile the boys are having a spray tan summit led by none other than Tom 1, of course. Jax refuses to partake and then gets the nervies about spray tan juice getting all over his pristine apartment – cleaned by Brittany Cartwright I presume. The highlight was seeing Peter Madrigal in a speedo. The lowlight was seeing Tom 2 in saggy-bottomed, stretched out boxer briefs.

The SUR photoshoot

Then everyone meets back at SUR for the annual photoshoot. Which strangely, oddly, in no sensical way Tom 2 is a part of. Even though he doesn’t work there, never has, once had a panic attack at the thought, and I am positive there are some hot 20-something boys employed there who would be swooningly lovely in the photos. This year’s theme theme includes a fake pig roast and lots and LOTS of Tom 1 wardrobe changes. He is giddy with glee, hopping up and down and clapping his hands at the all the rows and rows of glorious clothes! I actually think he and Ariana looked super hot in their photo.

Scheana cries to Katie

Nu-Tom and Nu-Katie canoodle in the corner and self-congratulate themselves on all the amazing changes they’ve made in just two-days or less. In fact, Katie is so transformed, she even allows a tearful Scheana Marie to grovel and beg to be allowed to assist in helping with final wedding details. Now that is progress!

So after stringing them along for the looooong, agonizing, excruciating two days, Lisa agrees to officiate their wedding once she learns that they finally figured out how to kiss each other and say “I love you.” I mean they were almost forced to rely on Jax to get ordained and preside over things! Tom 2 seems shocked that it was even possible to crack the rage-encased veneer of Katie’s heart. BabySteps… BabySteps… BabySteps… just put your fishy in a baggy and BabyStep to the divorce court altar, Tom 2!

Lisa says yes to Katie & Tom

I think it’s wonderful that Tom and Katie are finally – two weeks before they tie the knot – working on their relationship, but it’s pretty ridiculous for them to behave as if they’ve fixed all the problems following a few magical words from Lisa and one day at the beach which included booze but didn’t end in fighting. Thereinlies their problem over and over again – Tom and Katie have unrealistic expectations, and they don’t actually fix anything! They just put an $18 monogrammed tea towel over their eyes until the spinning stops, then go on to repeat the same pattern.

Katie finally secured an apology from Tom for cheating. She smugly accepted before promising to truly, actually like for-realz this time, swearing on a stack of Jax’s bro-bras and beer bottles, that she has forgiven him. But I’m predicting the next ‘flare-up’ is just around the corner, and Tom’s possible cheating will continue to be Katie’s convenient excuse. Am I just a cynic?

Well at least we received some well-honed advice from Tom 1 on how to conceal a boner during a photoshoot. #Perks.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]