Tom 2

Well the wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney is going along full-force like the tornado in the Wizard Of Oz. Except instead of being transported to the land of yellow brick roads and ruby slippers, Tom 2 is being chased by the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys. Oh love in the wilds of Vanderpump Rules.

Am I the only person LOVING Tequila Tom?! For all my hatred of Tequila Katie, Tequila Tom needs to stick around a little more! He has bottled the worms of his rage up for too long. Let those suckers crawl OUT.

Peter Madrigal said it when he compared his failed relationship to Stassi Schroeder as like oil and water. “It may look OK when you shake it up…” but in reality it is two disparate things that simply do not stay together in the long term. And that is Tom and Katie. They are the fling that never ends – although it should’ve 200 drunken fights ago. And at this point it doesn’t even look good together anymore. No, anymore it looks like a torn, shredded dress and a slept-in smokey eye.


Tom 2 is still rampaging – literally – in a mock wedding gown, half a drawn eyebrow smeared across his face. Tom 1 provides security detail for his heart. Suddenly Tom 2 announces that he wants to call off the wedding off (FINALLY SOME SENSE) and retreats, while Tom 1 is forced to shout-down Scheana Marie and Ariana MadixThey were ‘illuminated’ by Kristen Doute that all of Katie’s ragery stems from ‘knowing’ that Tom 2 slept with a girl in Vegas and is lying.

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Scheana and Ariana acknowledge they don’t exactly agree with Katie’s excuse, but they’re simply trying to explain – from Katie’s perspective – why she’s forcing everyone to spout that scripture as her endless pass for treating the collective group – and especially Tom 2 – like literal garbage. Gee – Scheana sure has changed her tune!

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All of this causes Tom 1 to explode – he kicks in the door on a moping Tom 2 and shrieks that his beloved friend is a “battered wife.” Well Tom 2 certainly looks messy as hell…Somehow though our battered bride manages to escape the confines of Tom 1’s love and wanders in the Lair Of The Abominable She-Beast… You just can’t stop Tom 2 from destroying himself, apparently!

Katie is drinking a 4 Loco. Which if you think about it, is not that odd given that she’s loco enough for four! Stassi bemoans that Katie never confided in her about Tom 2‘s infidelity, then Katie fake cries that she must be the “stupidest woman alive” for marrying Tom when he won’t admit to cheating. Jax Taylor finds himself trapped, uncomfortably, with the bridal party playing the world’s most unlikely mediator. Or maybe this ‘one of the girls’ things has gone to both his heads? Whatever – I kinda like this side of him.

After listening outside the door for a few moments, Tom 2 bursts in and calls Katie a bitch. Katie swoons and gets the vapors, collapsing onto her bed as Stassi races to her side to provide snuggles and comfort. Tom attempts to come in between his Sister Wives, but winds up informing Stassi that she’s a train wreck who only dates losers. Well, it had to be said…

Hilariously Kristen is blaming all of Tom 2‘s bad behavior on Tom 1. According to her Tom 2 is a perfectly wonderful, human being until he gets around “Sandoval.” What Kristen means is that without Tom 1, Tom 2 would be easier for the Three-Headed SheBeast to control. Wasn’t it Kristen and Carter who tried cornering Tom 2 in an elevator to accuse him of cheating?

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Jax fully believes Tom 2 cheated – cause he would! – especially since Jax was in Vegas when the supposed cheating happened and he personally witnessed the aftermath of Tom 2 crying, “What have I done?!” and drunkenly pacing their hotel room. Hmmm…another Jax cheating recollection… Should we believe this? Why is Kristen not stalking “Vegas girl” on IG and demanding that she crash the wedding to force Tom 2 into admitting the alleged truth?!

Jax tries to talk some sense into Tom 2. Meaning Jax advises his buddy to confess to cheating even if he didn’t do it, or call off the wedding. Jax sends a belligerent Tom into battle with Katie, then orders Brittany Cartwright to bed right now by promising to go down on her. These are the sacrifices Jax makes for his bros. Jax is a good, upstanding man – going to great, difficult, challenging lengths to save the souls of those in peril. I hope Tom and Katie appreciate the depths he is willing to go for them.

The next morning Tom 2 awakes in Jax’s room, wearing the remains of his drag costume. Everyone is reeling from the shock of what happened the night before. Are Tom and Katie kaput?

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Katie calls Lisa Vanderpump to fill her in and Lisa warns them that they have just two weeks to pull it together before their wedding. Then, with everyone’s backs turned, Lisa attempts to replace them by promoting a hot hostess to waitress. She hasn’t quite memorized the complete, illustrious SUR menu yet, but give her time. The allure of being on TV working for Lisa can inspire great things!

Katie escapes with Stassi and Kristen to visit Stassi’s childhood home. Stassi pretty much demands her grandmother declare her the favored child, and she admits she’s so hung-over she’s been throwing up all day, then gets into the pool fully-clothed to listen to Katie whine about how terrible Tom is.

Tom 2 goes on a pool date with the rest of the group. He wears his trusty Tom 1 t-shirt (apparently the real Tom 1 made many copies of this) and has no idea what happened the previous night but realizes he has to, again, beg Katie to forgive him. “Happy wife, happy life…” he mumbles. Um… except Tom 2 is constantly trying to make Katie happy, yet she never is, in fact NEITHER of them are ever happy together.

When Katie returns Tom 2 decides they need to have a serious talk. While he takes shots of vodka and squirts room-temperature whipped cream into his mouth. GROSS. Katie tries berating him again, but he point blank tells her she has to let the Vegas thing go. He’s right. At this point she has no grounds – she begged Tom to marry her and gave him an ultimatum about proposing AFTER she knew he had made-out with another girl, and suspected he was lying about how far it went. These are things you address BEFORE you accept the ring on your finger, so she has to stop throwing it all on Tom.

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Likewise – Tom said Katie has always been a nightmare and was especially horrible the first few years they were together – so, as Katie asks, why stay? Of course Katie is still a nightmare, but Tom chose her. Basically these two are in a prison of their own co-dependent misery and I don’t quite understand the point of them staying together anymore than I understand Katie wearing a lace bib over a t-shirt, or her infatuation with polygamous compound lingerie. Like what was that romper she wore to Stassi’s dad’s house? ATROCIOUS.

With the wedding two weeks away, Tom and Katie make a pack to “bottle this up” until after they say ‘I Do’ – cause that’s the recipe for a wonderful marriage. Then decide everyone needs to go out and get drunk in order to move past the drama.

The boys swap their drag gear for zoot-suits and everyone put on happy faces. After several shots Tom 2 proposes spin the bottle because he wants to have a final make-out before officially taking himself off the market. Was that wise when he allegedly destroyed Katie’s sanity, self-esteem, and trust after his drunken Vegas make-out? Unfortunately Luckily he got stuck kissing Tom 1! And Tom 2 wouldn’t let go of their kiss.

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Our little bifurcated fairy isn’t resting his wings though, he launches into giving Katie a lap dance which is far-less raunchy than the one she got from the stripper the girls hired.

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But the strangest thing that happened was the drunken ranting of one Kritter The Krazy Kristen. We knew she couldn’t keep that in her shell for long! Kristen is outside smoking, when Tom 1 joins her. Immediately she accuses him of trying to ruin her relationship with Carter by dredging up things from her past. Kristen rants that Tom needs to move on and get over what happened between them, like he’s obsessed with her, or like he yelled at Carter unprovoked. In the middle of her meltdown, Kristen admits to cheating on Tom like a zillion times. Yet he has no right to ever mention that these things happened.

Tom pointed out that if Carter wouldn’t have involved himself with Tom and Tom in the first place (also calling Tom 1 names) he never would have said anything, but bros before [literal] hoes. To Tom 1’s credit, he awkwardly apologized then fled. He basically took Jax’s advice: apologized for something he didn’t do just to make it go away. We’ll see how that goes because later Kristen was seen wandering around wearing the Tom 1 t-shirt. Hmmm… who is obsessed with whom?

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Tom 1 will be rewarded, though, because back home in LA, LVP is plotting. She and Ken want to open another restaurant and bring on Tom 1 as a junior partner. Why, I have no idea, considering his disastrous attempt at joining the LVP Sangria team, but perhaps he’s learned a thing or two? Or perhaps LVP and Ken realize Tom 1 is desperate to impress, and will be emotionally vulnerable after Tom 2 finally sells his soul to Katie, and therefore do whatever they say! Including ban Kristen from any of their establishments?

Anyway, after the group finally manages to have a fun night of partying the bad vibes away, ending on a “high note,” one would think Tom and Katie would reconnect with a little sexy times, but no – instead Tom 2 passes out on the floor while Kristen, Katie and Stassi draw penises on his face.

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Scheana sighs that Katie and Tom are a trainwreck who have never tried to resolve any of their issues and just mask them in booze. She’s relieved they got a prenup – something she’d never need! Oh no! Scheana smugly tells all this to Shay in between ordering him around and ignoring any of his insights.

The next morning the Toms pack their baggage away. True Tom 1 hands his bra down to Ariana, whilst Tom 2 and Katie, again, promise not to mention any bad stuff until after they get married. And Stassi, well she remains alone, but at least she kissed a real, live boy – and he didn’t turn into a frog!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]



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