Luann de Lesseps - Real Housewives Of New York RHONY

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Madea’s Trip To The Hamptons

Last night the Real Housewives Of New York dragged all their dysfunction to the Hamptons where they split into two teams: Team Ramona Singer & Team Luann de Lesseps. Just like the old days… Usually Sonja Morgan likes being in the middle of some sweaty, howling, grunting, insane situations, and this time was no exception!

Sonja arrives at Ramona’s house after being driven by Tinsley Mortimer. After all Tinsley’s whining that she might crash before she even gets into the driver’s seat, she turned out to be a good driver. Which, according to Sonja, also naturally means Tinsley will be a good mother. Because… ?

For some reason Sonja has long extensions – from a photoshoot maybe. They look so ratty I assume she found them in a box in a the Townhouse basement labeled JP – Mother’s Victorian Wigs. Anyway, this inspires Dorinda Medley to whip out the mermaid costumes she brought so they all can do something besides eat, drink, go to restaurants and fight. Dorinda believes their mermaid photos will “go viral.” Which is usually what they’re saying about Sonja’s vagina.

Ramona Singer Mermaid - Real Housewives Of New York

Mermaids make Ramona think of her swim instructor Boris and how she would give up her voice in exchange for flippers to spend an eternity in the water with him. Oh, wait — that’s OUR dream, not Ramona’s! Ramona does realize that swimming does not involve noodles. Someday she’ll have to progress to swim wings or a bubble?!

Keeping on theme with sexually harassing her sports instructors, Ramona has a tennis pro come over for a group lesson. He’s about 30. Still, Ramona thinks we’re all gonna believe that he’d consider dating her. He’s probably actually considering setting her up with his 70-something father. Or entering witness protection. His constantly lobbing away her advances doesn’t deter Ramona from flirting mercilessly.

God – Ramona is going to single-handedly start the “HEtoo Movement” over her inappropriate touching, groping, flirting and propositioning of people she hires. Bravo needs to do some sexual harassment training! Tinsley is a former college tennis player. She ends up in a preetty solid rally with the tennis pro. Which makes Ramona angry, competitive, and snarky. Dorinda notes, “On this court here Ramona wants all the balls to herself. And she wants them hard!”  Love-All; Ramona!

RELATED: Ramona Singer Tried To Take Over Real Housewives Of New York Premiere To Promote Her Skincare Line

With balls flying at her heads and Tinsley locked in racket-to-racket combat with the pro, grunting and sweating, Ramona stomps off announcing that in case anyone is looking at her ass as she walks away she did CoreFusion TWICE this week. Also she worked out already and doesn’t need tennis! But Tinsley can reimburse her for the lesson in pinot.

The biggest takeaway here is that Tinsley like her predecessor Kelly Bensimon went to Columbia University! They really need to tighten up their admissions standards over there. Or maybe The Tinz’s parents were part of that college admissions scam too. 

Since everyone is in the Hamptons together -but separate! – Ramona wants to pretend all of last year didn’t happen. She invited Bethenny Frankel and Luann to dinner. Ramona never heard back and is annoyed that Bethenny is constantly ignoring her. Um, Bethenny is not stupid enough to walk into a bear trap. At least without being able to slap a Skinnygirl label on it. She’s probably actually branding her own Mermaid Tails right now.

In a rare moment of genius Ramona decides Bethenny is only friends with Luann “as a default.” When Turtle Time turns into Truth Time. Oh, and turtles swim! Next viral costume idea?!

Luann is planning her own dinner as a thank you to the friends who helped with her intervention and to celebrate being 55 days sober. Luann is presently avoiding Dorinda and Ramona because both of them are make up lies about her, mock her recovery, and could potentially trigger a relapse. Just hearing the word Ramona actually makes Luann want a drink. She is not alone in this sentiment!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York Season 11 Premiere Recap: Barely Staying Afloat

In the loudest, longest speakerphone call in HW history, Luann invites Sonja to dinner because even though Sonja wasn’t part of the intervention she was supportive. What – did she send a case of Wesson Oil to Luann’s rehab?

This phone call is happening while Luann is at Bethenny’s house and Sonja is eating lunch with Ramona, Dorinda, and Tinsley. So it’s basically a conference call.

Ramona was following Sonja around the room, eavesdropping, while she was on the phone and of course overheard Barbara Kavovit invite Sonja to her clambake. Ramona decides this means she’s also invited because she is Sonja’s host and has met – and forgotten – Barbara dozens of times over the years. Plus Luann  doesn’t want her there.

Sonja sighs that she’s stuck in the middle of a Ramona/Luann frienemy three-way. Which is just where she likes it, sandwiched in between two crazies that obscure her own crazy. So she takes herself to Luann’s dinner with promises to report back to DorMona.

So far this is a strange – oddly sober, but no less dramatic season of HW. Dorinda is not drinking, Sonja is not drinking, and Luann is [hopefully] not drinking. We know sobriety won’t last for Dorinda and Sonja but lets hope Lu stays on the wagon, because after hearing about her relapse this summer where she was randomly calling everyone she knows – including, probably Donald Trump – to ask for $6M dollars to buy a house in Upstate NY, she really needs to avoid the booze.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York Star Dorinda Medley On Luann de Lesseps: “Just Stay Out Of Rehab. Stop Worrying About Me.”

At 55 days sober Luann is ready to date again, of course. She tells the women AA is the best place to meet men. I just can’t. Although I am here for Bethenny starting a Sober Loving dating app (Sponsored by Skinnygirl Mocktails!) where you can do more than just meetings. You can meet the love of your next bender life.

Sonja and Barbara arrive at dinner first. This is the perfect time to discuss how Barbara is going to handle uninviting Dorinda from the clambake. Apparently, in her fragile state Luann doesn’t want to be around her. Um, as Dorinda points out: Lu is doing Cabaraet to a packed house and full bar every night. But, yeah I don’t think the problem is being around booze so much as it is being around toxic people. They decide the solution will be for Dorinda to apologize to Luann. And then she can come! Since she is the countess, Luann demands a phone call – not a text! Barbara and Sonja obviously have the combined brainpower of the worm in the bottom of a tequila bottle if they think this is going to work!

Real Housewives Of New York celebrate Luann's sobriety (again)

Team Luann spends the remainder of dinner joking about Luann’s insane manic-relapse of trying to extort money from her friends. It was so intense Barbara had to take over as her power of attorney! How is Sonja on this Restore Reality team? Have they seen her duct-taped window treatments? Bethenny actually became friends with Luann’s close friend Ann. Now they’re talking almost everyday. This is great as Ann seems actually and genuinely sane. Let’s just keep her off this show!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York Star Dorinda Medley Blames Barbara Kavovit For “Blocking” Her Friendship With Luann de Lesseps

At Ramona’s dinner she ditches Dorinda and Tinsley to do a man-scouting lap around the restaurant. When the men in the Hamptons see Ramona coming they scatter like cockroaches. So the only ones left was a table full of gay couples. Then Ramona tells a story about how a guy she was dating asked her if she would have a child with him. He had to be joking. Or else he was asking if he could be Ramona’s child and have her pay all his bills…

The next day Ramona and Dorinda pounce on Sonja for information about Luann’s Sobriety. Sonja is full of praise for how Luann returned to rehab and is working her steps. However, Ramona sneers that 14-days in treatment is a vacation. She doesn’t believe Luann is actually sober. Then Sonja shares the plan for Dorinda to call Luann to keep herself invited to the Clambake. The Hamptons premiere invitation!

While Barbara, who is a contractor, is oohing and aaahing Bethenny’s rental property (which turned out to be an amazing success contrary to Ramona’s sangfroid advice highways killing value), Dorinda calls for confirmation that she’s still invited to the clambake.

Dorinda Medley - Real Housewives Of New York

Barbara is barely able to get a word in edgewise. Basically, Dorinda has an argument with herself about how she will not apologize to Luann. Not now. Not ever. Bethenny watches on, cringing and covering her face with a pillow. Sober or not, Dorinda is “Not well, bitch!”  Bethenny’s outfit looks like something Kelly Kapaowksi would wear to The Max. Then ever helpful Bethenny tells Luann, “Not only is Dorinda not apologizing, but I don’t think she’d piss on you you if you were on fire!”

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York Star Dorinda Medley Thought She Was “In A Better Place” With Luann de Lesseps; Surprised Barbara Kavovit Is So Close With Luann After Their Previous Issues

Barbara Kavovit & Luann de Lesseps

Hours later Barbara is still reeling from her introduction to how Housewives do business. She meets Luann at a gourmet grocery store to prepare for the clambake. Luann is completely unsurprised by Dorinda’s reaction. Thhen, she suggests stage an intervention on Dorinda! Not a bad idea – except that it’s coming from Luann. Is Luann having time for AA meetings in between all this shopping, socializing, and gossiping?

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York Cast Member Barbara Kavovit Says Ramona Singer Is “Nasty” & “Doesn’t Support Other Women”

Dorinda medley & Ramona Singer

Later Dorinda decides she will reach out to Luann, but on her terms – via text. So she sends Luann a quote from a Tyler Perry Movie. That’s it. No other words or sentiments. Just the quote. Luann is aghast at the rudeness. It justifies her decision to cut Dorinda out of her life.

With Dorinda not attending the clambake, everyone expects that Ramona will bail too, but “gracious” and “reading the writing on the wall” are not in Ramona’s vocabulary. So she puts on her sexiest heels for this casual event and shows up. She warns Tinsley to program her AppleWatch with a timer set at 30 minutes – aka after Ramona has had a glass of wine and is ready to confront Barbara; and at 1 hour – when Ramona has had 2 glasses of wine, finished ripping Barbara a new one, and is ready to leave.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York Star Luann De Lesseps Violated Probation; Skipped AA Meetings & Sobriety Tests


[Photo Credits: Bravo]