Real Housewives Of New York

Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Un-EFF-Able

Oh, I love Real Housewives Of New York! From Tinsley Mortimer slipping into Southern Sorority mode and using the word “hoebag,” to Dorinda Medley accusing Barbara Kavovit of drinking so much of Luann de Lesseps‘ unspiked Kool-Aid she has Type-2 Diabetes, to Ramona Singer getting lectured on being judgmental from the date from hell and just gulping her wine in response. This show is the pinnacle. Take note, Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills!

We left, and open on a cliff-hanger: will Dorinda and Luann make amends? Aided by Bethenny Frankel, at the Paper Magazine party, Luann saunters over. Clearly she’s expecting Dorinda to bow at her feet, cry, and vow to never utter the dreaded word “Jovani” again.

Luann de Lesseps

Lu and Do both seemed nervous as hell. Dorinda wants Lu to know she loves her, but doesn’t want to address all the shitty things she said to and about Luann when she wasn’t loving her.  Luann wants all the acknowledgment. So they end up talking about hat hair and complimenting each other’s outfits 72 times. Menawhile, Bethenny rolled her eyes and slurped her drink. Luann was right, though – Sonja Morgan‘s Paper Magazine party was not the place to make a scene. Leave that to Sonja!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York Cast Member Sonja Morgan Says Ramona Singer Kicked Luann de Lesseps While She Was Down

Sonja Morgan

And make a scene Sonja does when a random woman wanders over and shoves her tongue down Sonja’s throat for a “drive-by lesbian moment.” Tinsley buries her face in her hands while Ramona’s mouth drops open. Careful Ro-Ro – you might catch lesbian tongue that way! Sonja is unbothered, “Money can buy you aaaaaaasssss!” she cheers, hopping up and down. And every ass has value!

After witnessing Dorinda and Luann circling around reconciliation, Bethenny decides she better take matters into her own hands. So Bethenny dresses up like a disco prosecutor from Designing Women and invites Luann, Dorinda, and Barbara to Little Italy for lunch. Like she’s bringing together to mafia dons. Barbara and Dorinda dressed the part of Mobsters (actually Dorinda looked more gangster, like, Yo-Vani, Immma getcha girl!).

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York- Dorinda Medley Says Ramona Singer Was “Terrible And Insensitive” When She Commented On Dennis Shields Death

Dorinda Medley Real Housewives Of New York

Luann, playing the victim as always, showed up like Carmela Soprano. Again these two talked in circles with Dorinda telling Luann she loves her and Luann explaining that since they have mutual friends (Tom!) they should be copacetic. But, no one is actually saying ANYTHING of substance about what got them here. Basically, Dorinda needs to admit to heckling Jovani.

Bethenny Frankel

An exasperated Bethenny tires to explain that even Prince Harry and Meghan Markle don’t have a perfect relationship, so they need to accept each other’s faults and just move forward. The second Luann heard reference to the royal family she stopped hearing anything else and was all, “Daaaaahhhling, although I am royalty, I’m hardly the English Aristocracy! But thank you for understanding that our type keeps a stiff upper lip at all times, and cannot be bothered with ungrateful disloyal subjects! The sequined eyes of Jovani are always watching you, Dorindaaaaa!”

Luann’s issue is that she wants to use Cabaret as a way of brushing her actual circumstances under the rug. She’s pissed she can’t party and drink,

while hiding beneath the Countess title anymore. Luann has to confront her new situation because she’s on parole and being sued! Ann, who is really the friend I want on this show (sorry Barbara!), takes Luann to the MICHAEL KORS (only on this show!) Food Bank to help her complete community service hours. Luann wonders if she’ll be seeing Bethenny there since she was once a homeless and all. Clearly, Luann considers homelessness as being between luxury apartments, or not having a pied-a-terr

in the city so you’re forced to reside in the Hamptons – even in the off-season! Anyway, she can relate!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York Star Luann de Lesseps Violated Probation; Skipped AA Meeting & Sobriety Tests

Luann de Lesseps

Luann is put on soup ladling duty and keeps looking around for the caterer to assist as she slops soup everywhere, and makes a mess of filling plastic cups. Luann tells Ann that her parole officer is so scary she makes “Dorinda look like a lightweight!” Then Ann and Luann help themselves to a sample of the soup and proclaim it is surprisingly good, as if they were expecting cat food. I actually thought that was a cute moment, and so far Ann is the only human being on this show.

The highlight of this episode was two things: 1 – Sonja returning to the fold of moldy drapes and revisiting the townhouse (We got to see the basement!) and Ramona going on a blind date that was so terrible I even felt bad for her! Ok, no I didn’t – that was the best karma I’ve ever seen because clearly Rori, the matchmaker considers Ramona so horrible this is her perfect match. HA

So first, Sonja rented out the townhouse, but the tenant moved out, and now she’s prepping for a new person to move in. Yes, people are paying $32k per month for toxic mold poisoning! Dorinda meets Sonja there to help oversee the drapes situation (aka can John dry clean them) and notices instantly that the light, fresh, fun Sonja is replaced by an anxious shrew hectoring about how the baseboards aren’t clean in the dining room, aka Sonja turns into a parody of Dale.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York Star Sonja Morgan Says She Slept With Rod Stewart & Comments On Ramona Singer’s Remarks About Dennis Shields “Being On Drugs”

Sonja has a conniption when she notices the skylights have been leaking, damaging the pashmina drapes. Time to duct tape up a STM towel over those windows and patch the leak with toothpaste. Actually, time to call Barbara! But what happens instead is that Halloween comes early when Sonja makes Dorinda accompany her down to the basement to retrieve different curtains! And the reason we never saw Sonja moving out of that haunted house is because ALL THE STUFF IN THE BASEMENT IS STILL IN THE BASEMENT! I made my husband come over and I pointed at the TV and I yelled, “See! I am not a hoarder! Look at Sonja’s basement.”

Seeing Sonja’s past, cluttered and piled around her; mildewing and collapsing, makes Dorinda realize it’s time to move on from the apartment she bought after Richard’s death. So Dorinda strolled down to 54th St and plopped down millions for a new pad, and decides to rent her current place if she can’t sell it.

Ramona Singer

That night Ramona puts on her finest macrame bikini top for a date. Ramona was expecting Red Scarf Guy’s twin. What she got was … Dr. Evil, aka the man who is truly her perfect match! He throws in Ramona’s face all of the things she believes about herself: that she’s cultured, worldly, sophisticated, and educated. Then he tells Ramona that judging others is toxic, as if he doesn’t realize that she’s become low-grade famous for being on TV passing judgment upon others. Do we think Rori, the matchmaker, just really hates Ramona and was getting some revenge? Or was that natural karma?

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York Star Ramona Singer Apologizes For Saying Dennis Shields Was “Not Smart” Because “He Was On Drugs”

Tinsley Mortimer & Dale

Poor Tinz – growing up is hard to do! Having yourself exposed to the big, bad world of lesbians, leaving the fantasy world of fairytale weddings and cost-conscious princes who save you from your evil queen of a domineering mommy who buys shoes from the wife of the ex-husband you left when you thought you were famous, and then sends them a new baby gift since you won’t give her grandchildren. Ever. Scott Dale has so given up on Tinsley!

Sonja dubs Tinsley “un-fuckable,” and compares her to a doll on a shelf, which is pretty accurate. At 43, Tinz is still wide-eyed and blinking when you turn her upside-down, mewing ‘maaa-maaa,’ and wearing pretty lace frocks. Sonja is also correct that Tinsley waits for the world to happen to her, not the other way around. Presently, Tinsley is waiting for Scott Kluth to chariot her away in a Bentley, brush her hair, put a shiny ring on her finger, and build her the perfect house of coupons. That’s not going to happen. Not now, not ever – and Dale knows it, which is why she isn’t cross-stitching him a Christmas stocking, and why Dale is passive-aggressively letting Tinsley know that No Ring = No Stock-ing.

Tinsley Mortimer & Sonja Morgan

Over rooftop drinks at the Mondrian with Sonja – love that place – Dale instructs Tinsley that she has 3 months to get Scott in gear… And in 3 months Tinsley will be sitting there, this time in a red lace skirt worn with boots, whining about how everyone needs to stop badgering her about Scott, while whining that Scott won’t commit.

I do love Tinsley for snarking “Anyone looks un-EFF-able next to these hoebags!” Truth, girlie, truth!

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York Star Tinsley Mortimer Says Barbara Kavovit Is Doing Luann de Lesseps’ “Dirty Work” & Dorinda Medley Should Be Upset About The Clambake

And we’re back where we started with Dorinda Vs. Luann! Dorinda has Barbara over because she wants to do renovations before listing her apartment. Right from the jump , Dorinda is on edge after Barbara tells her to rip out the dated kitchen, when Dorinda just wants a spruce-up. A low-budget spruce up. So naturally, they pour a glass of wine and talk about Luann.

There’s a few things going on here: 1) Dorinda is correct that Barbara and Bethenny need to stay out of it. 2) Dorinda flat-out lies when Barbara asks if Dorinda has been making fun of Luann’s lawsuit, and even brought the papers to lunch with Sonja. Dorinda actually blamed Sonja for that!

But ROLL THE TAPE of Dorinda having them on her phone and passing the phone to Sonja! 3) Dorinda wants to take NO accountability for the role she played in the feud with Luann and seems to think that because Luann is a shitty person who has done some shitty things, that nullifies anything Dorinda has done or said. 4) Dorinda is mostly mad that Luann accused her of needing rehab – which agreed is NOT Lu’s place, but Dorinda keeps acting like she loves Lu and wants to move on, when what she really wants is to just brush this under the carpet — until the next time Dorinda gets drunk and goes on a tear! The Berkshires are next week so it shouldn’t take long.

Dorinda Medley

The whole thing ends with Dorinda bursting into tears about how everyone is blaming her and throwing Barbara out of her apartment.

RELATED: Real Housewives Of New York- Dorinda Medley Blames Barbara Kavovit For “Blocking” Her Friendship With Luann de Lesseps


[Photo Credits: Bravo]