Comscore

Tinsley Mortimer - Real Housewives Of New York

The Real Housewives Of New York never fail to disappoint! They cycle through emotions faster than teenage girls, even though they’re all, for the most part, menopausal women.

We open in the Berkshires where Sonja Morgan is having a meltdown over Dorinda Medley touching the sacred MOOOOOORGAN LETTERS, which really should be under plexiglass like the Guggenheim Bible and the first thong Sonja ever washed in her bidet. “She didn’t desecrate them!” Ramona Singer yells in an attempt to calm Sonja down, but Bethenny Frankel is the expert in psychotic breaks.

Bethenny has a lifetime of experience, after all, so she ushers Sonja out of the room, grabs her face, and performs an exorcism. I also think Bethenny must have hypnotized Sonja with one the 32 diamond rings she’s wearing, because from that moment forward Sonja became obsessed with The B. Back at the table, Sonja is ready to resume partying. Everything’s fine!

Or not because now Ramona is pissed that Bethenny swooped in as Sonja’s savior! That’s HER job! She is Sonja’s closest, and dearest, and most special friend and soulmate. And of course Dorinda and Luann de Lesseps missed the entire thing because they were outside recompensing with their friendship!

Ramona Singer

For no apparent reason Ramona just changes into a negligee, with heels and a thong. There’s a naked chef, so why not have a naked diner!? Bethenny is on her phone while Ramona prances around the table, mooning people (which is a form of sexual deviancy in 48 states). Maybe Ramona’s mood is lightened because she has “the help” watching Coco. (Hilariously there is a shot of Luann in the kitchen standing next to Coco. L.O.L.)

Ramona thinks it’s fine to say “The Help.” After all there was a whole movie about it, and they are here to help. Bethenny gives up – no one can stay mad at clueless self-absorbed Ramona. It’s like hating on a computer from 1985 for not loading Facebook. In fact Bethenny has such a change of heart she wants to be reincarnated as daft Ramona. Bethenny better be careful with that statement while staying in this haunted house filled with dead stuff, past lives, coffins, and ghouls – she might wakeup next to Sonja, wearing a Fredrick’s Of Hollywood slip, and chortling like dolphin at her own ‘jokes’.

Sonja Morgan Drunk

All the women decide to just turn the night into a wild, raucous dance party recorded by Bethenny’s iPhone. Thank you Jesus they freed the camera crew and let them escape to sanity for an evening. Barbara Kavovit, “the interloper” can’t hang. She retires to the fish room early, and the next morning practically runs out the door as Bethenny laughs. Luann marvels at how much different partying is when you’re not wasted – like you can remember every single embarrassing thing your friends did to lord over their heads at a later date. And probably whip it out at a CABARET.

Sonja actually thinks Barbara is leaving early because she attempted to make a pass at Bethenny, but was rejected. Not rejected by Bethenny who is a delicate flower not aware of Barbara’s sapphic machinations, but by Sonja who is turning Barbara’s hammer around to stop her from attacking Bethenny’s innocence! Sonja formulated this whole scenario because Barbara made a joke about sleeping in Bethenny’s room to avoid the sharks, also because for YEARS Sonja has heard rumors that Barbara is a lesbian because she wears a toolbelt. Oh for god’s sake! This mindset that Sonja and Ramona have that Barb is a closeted lesbian because she works in a traditionally male-dominated industry and isn’t Tinsley Mortimer girly is atrocious! Someone get them some sensitivity training immediately. GLAAD – are you you out there?

Sonja’s intentions towards Bethenny are completely pure, of course – she just wants to be a comforting friend, who strokes her hair, rubs her back, and holds her heart gently in hands that once were ordained to careers The Morgan Letters. “I don’t want to get in her pants,” Sonja declares. She just wants to mount Bethenny on the townhouse mantle where she’ll remain under plexiglass for all eternity as a symbol of the great American spirit, invented by The Morgans of course, of onward and upward in possessing everything their hearts desire.

Dorinda Medley & Bethenny Frankel

Finally there were two: Dorinda and Bethenny. While walking the grounds of Bluestone Manor Bethenny shares a shocking discovery: she received a note from the beyond from Dennis Shields. When Bethenny was staying in the Boston hotel, sexing up her new man, she went to phone area to call Bryn and sitting there was a note saying, “You look spectacular. B” and it was ON hotel stationary and LOOKED like Dennis’ writing so Bethenny knows he’s speaking to her, telling her to move on and find happiness. Um, I’d interpret that as Dennis telling Bethenny stay away from other men and wait for him like Demi Moore in Ghost. Dorinda believes in signs, so she is fully supportive of Bethenny’s communications with the dead. Coming up next Skinnygirl Tarot Cards.

Back in NYC there is a weird scene of Bethenny and her nanny looking through tupperware containers for cards Dennis sent Bryn. Bethenny wants to get them out again, to remind Bryn, even though Bethenny also wants to move on in her new relationship which is “really heating up.” To illustrate Bethenny is wearing a red sweater cause that symbolizes hot sex or something. Skinnygirl Hot Sex Tips coming soon!

I don’t know Bethenny — you need counseling, big time. I swear Bethenny likes Dennis better now that he’s passed than when he was alive. It sounds like a very unhealthy, co-dependent relationship where B used him when she needed him, but refused to commit. Of course Dennis also had some serious demons so who knows!

Sonja, Lu, and Ramona meet at a blow-out bar to rehash the Berkshires drama. Luann is all in white, from head to toe, like the White Witch. Sonja informs Lu that Bethenny is upset after hearing from Tinsley and Dorinda that Lu threw a fit about deserving Hannah’s room. Luann dismisses this outburst as her new sober emotions feeling everything so intensely, and furthermore she simply doesn’t care what Bethenny thinks.

Sonja Morgan & Luann de Lesseps

Ramona and Sonja remind Luann of all Bethenny did for her over the summer, but Luann is all “Bethenny, Bethenny, Bethenny…” in a mocking voice – This is not going to end well. Right here, right now, winter has arrived. Both literally and figuratively, and because I’m mixing metaphors like Luann mixes sober catchphrases and mocktails, this will become “The Lie-In, The Witch, & Dorinda’s Wardrobe”

Then for the ultimate reality check Luann meets Tinsley for lunch. There Tinsley opens up about her father’s battle with alcoholism in choosing drinking over his family, time and time and time again. His life ended after he fell and hit his while drunk, winding up in a coma. Yikes. I have Googled Tinsley’s dad and whooo boy could he give the hard-partying Real Housewives Of New York a run for their money!

Luann de Lesseps

I really love and appreciate Tinsley’s honesty here. She’s always acting like some prissy porcelain princess, all perfect, shiny, and untouchable, but to hear her very raw emotions and anger over her father’s alcoholism was refreshing. Luann suggests Tinsley go to AlAnon to deal with her anger, and reminds her that alcoholism isn’t a choice, but a disease. Then they immediately change the subject to Tinsley being the celebrity ringmaster at the circus and working with a new publicist. “You’ll look so adorable in that outfit,” Luann coos, immediately plotting to work a circus theme into her cabaret!

Bethenny is hosting a Skinnygirl Sparkle Party in her new apartment, and it’s her first event in the place she truly considers home. I find it kind of cold and sterile, and my kids would destroy everything in about 6 seconds, but I’m assuming Bryn isn’t one step above wild animal. However the Real Housewives Of New York are, so I wouldn’t christen my new place with their shenanigans. Especially because Bethenny has hired hot, young, male bartenders she’s pretty sure will be sexually harassed by drunk Sonja!

Ramona is overjoyed that she’s actually been invited to Bethenny’s event. What, with completely ignoring her grief this summer and then, you know, just being herself… But grief has made Bethenny chill! (side-eye). To show her appreciation Ramona drags Sonja to a fancy floral shop to get some flowers for B. Sonja, now The Bethenny Whisperer, warns Ramona that she’s overdoing it. She’s coming across like fetch when she really wants to be fresh! TruRenewal style! Ramona does not care. Ramona does not take advice. She walks her own path. In negligees and heels to the dinner table. This is a new Ramona – one who drinks vodka, in a wine glass with ice, and a straw instead of pinot. Well Bethenny has the market cornered on liquor, so don’t get any fancy designs on Ramona Vodka, Ro-Ro.

Bethenny’s is prepping for her party by getting a vitamin IV drip (now apparently a regular part of people’s glam squads), hair and makeup, while catering and bartending set up. Mind you this is a party for Housewives, so she should’ve been hiring bouncers instead, but Bethenny’s ex-boyfriend doesn’t own a security firm, he owns a staffing company. Enter Russ, a hunky entrepreneur whom Bethenny dated last year, when she was also dating Dennis, but before she started dating Paul, the Boston guy.

Bethenny always uses Russ‘ company, but he never comes to oversee the set-up. Clearly he’s here to see her, after hearing that Dennis passed. Of course Bethenny came home after getting a facial so her skin looks like “pizza with extra cheese” from all the makeup she’s using to cover the red blotchy parts, and now she’s embarrassed.

This timeline is SO confusing: Bethenny says last summer she and Russ were “in love,” then Dennis swooped in, proposed, and she also started dating Paul??? This is like Vicki Gunvalson‘s multiple partners nightmare come to life. I need a flowchart to keep up with Bethenny’s men. I also need a facial.

This party is just as off the hook as you’d expect. Ramona is Ramona, Barbara shows up in jeans and a t-shirt – not sparkles – then Luann is an hour and 15 minutes late and blames traffic. “She’s on cabaret time,” snarks Bethenny. Luann really needs to re-read her own etiquette book! Also Luann was not wearing sparkles. Let’s hope Lu was at an AA meeting.

Over dinner Bethenny makes a toast about everyone being “in a pretty good place,” but Dorinda rebuts this with her own very snarky toast directed at Barbara for being such a good sport about staying in the Fish Room. “I know you’ve probably woken up with scarier things than that mounted shark,” she croons insincerely. Barbara hasn’t.

Tinsley Mortimer

Bethenny decides this is the perfect time for a game of Truth or Dare. Last time Tinsley took truth and had to talk about anal sex. She’s still scarred, so this time she’s going with dare! Bethenny is dared to kiss Barbara and gives her full tongue, while Sonja’s feathers ruffle with jealously. Dorinda is dared to have phone sex with John, which was hilariously unsexy. John’s response was so John. He always reminds me The Situation all grown up. Tinsley cringed with horror even though it was completely PG. Tinsely can’t handle emotions of any kind, so when she is dared by Bethenny to call Scott Kluth and give him an ultimatum about marriage, she freaks out.

I do love Tinsley, but what in the hell was that melodrama about how Scott would be soooooooo mad if she called him in front of her girlfriends? She literally flees the table in tears. To LuannTinsley confesses that she’s scared to upset Scott, because he’ll leave her. Bethenny is shocked that Tinsley is so afraid of losing Scott she’s subjugating her own wants and needs to appease him. It’s like 1950, and weirdly repressed.

Dorinda Medley & Barbara Kavovit

Bethenny lectures Tinsley that no one had any idea of where she stands with Scott, because she doesn’t confide in her friends about her relationship. “Maybe you’re not her friends,” interjects Barbara and Dorinda loses it! Dorinda screams at Barbara to stop being a meddling interloper, constantly stirring the pot within the group. With Barbara out of the picture Luann and Dorinda made amends, now Dorinda wants her to go away permanently. “Make me,” Barbara sneers. Oh Babs, I hope your toolkit doesn’t contain axe in it because there’s now a target on your back!

Also poor Tins can’t win, ever. Luann gives her some advice: Always take the truth. It’s easier to lie your way out of it!

TELL US – DOES BARBARA NEED TO STAY OUT OF IT? DOES TINSLEY NEED THERAPY?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

Click here to read our Comment Policy