Lisa Vanderpump - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: Haters Gonna Hate

I really can’t tell what’s going on with Lisa Vanderpump‘s role on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Obviously they’re not going to kill her off the show before we get the kitchen reveal, right?! But it’s looking like after her most recent blowout with Dorit Kemsley this might be it? Maybe?

Last night the episode opened in two different typical Beverly Hills mornings. Mornings so disparate they might as well have been happening across the globe from each other, like a study in sending kids off to school: Denmark vs. Indonesia.

Kyle Richards wakes up at the crack of dawn to make Portia breakfast in bed, on a monogrammed tray. Except at 10-years-old Portia is still sleeping in bed with Kyle and Maurcio – kinda creepy – so Kyle actually retrieves Portia from her bed, and puts her in her own bed to serve her breakfast. Then Portia doesn’t have time to eat because Kyle spends so much time styling her hair. Kyle thinks this is all just normal good mothering. If you’re Lori Loughlin. Also in Beverly Hills (or Encino) the houses are so big the smell of coffee being made doesn’t wake everyone else up…

Seriously – did Kyle just put socks on her tween, while Portia lounged in bed and sneered at the breakfast tray? Kyle — it’s called POPTARTS, and you can even fit a bag of them in your Vanderhaul. 

No one is sleeping in bed with Denise Richards and Aaron Phypersbecause then they wouldn’t be able to start the day with their morning bone. Following that aberrancy, they run around like normal parent-chickens with their heads cut off, arguing with kids to get ready, breaking up frighting kids, struggling to throw breakfast together, and finally counting down the minutes until all the lunatics are returned to the asylum so you can sit down and have a cup of coffee in peace.

Teddi Arroyave

Then Kyle hops in her car to meet Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave for a walk. Kyle and Teddi discussing the RV trip and how LVP is a terrible person. Now Kyle is also on board with the idea that PK’s comment to her was influenced by his conversation with Ken Todd. Maybe Teddi is the master manipulator here? Or Ken!

Across town Lisa Rinna and Erika Girardi also workout. They both gush about how much respect they have for each other, one hustler to another. Blah, blah, blah –  just a word salad vomit, which is pretty much what all these women eat for lunch! Also leave it to Erika to go to a gym called “Merge” – whatever the means – where the owner passive-aggressively insults her friend during the entire class. However I do want Lipsa’s workout video. Lipsa probably needs her own subscription box service where every month you get a weird product she’s endorsed, or created, or a bizarre movie she’s acted in (Like her own show “Merge”).

Camille Grammer

Denise, meanwhile, gets the best lunch plans: dining with Camille Grammer who is here to talk mad shit, and consume a few bites in between. Denise is annoyed, listening to Camille eviscerate Teddi for meddling in Kyle and Dorit’s argument, call Dorit phony (again), complain that LVP thinks she’s above it all, and on and on… Denise doesn’t want to hear this. She wants to drink tequila in the middle of the afternoon, and enjoy her artichoke. The art of the choke actually is Camille choking on her words when Denise repeats them in due time.

Denise Richards

Denise may not have been enjoying herself, but I, on the other hand, wanted to be superimposed into her body so I could get all that gossip from Camille! I could also watch Camille shrug after calling 40-year-old Teddi an “entitled millennial” all day. If I were Teddi I’d take that as a proof that Botox works.

Then the epic moment finally arrives: Dorit unveils her Beverly Beach office! Hiring a decorator to renovate the closed CVS in your neighborhood strip mall proves that Dorit’s company is legit and not being sued for hundreds-of-thousands of dollars after it’s very first collection launched, right! Also if I hear Dorit refer to the company she literally did nothing for – including pay the people – as her baby one more time…

Just kidding! The epic moment is Dorit and PeeKay traveling to PUMP to meet Ken and Lisa for the much-anticipated summit of the minds, souls, and versions of puppy-gate, (turned radar-gate, turned I hope Lisa is serving Apple Juice martinis listed on the Menu as the “Save Lucy“).

For some reason Dorit is dressed as an undertaking cosplaying a 2006 Victoria Beckhahm. And PK is also all in black. As if they subconsciously were aware of attending their own funeral.

We know this is going to go badly, because anything involving Dorit and rational thought is doomed from the jump.  Dorit’s ascribed self-importance doesn’t truck with the rest of humanity, who all wonder why this bizarre woman is wandering around town in one of her husband’s stained tuxedo shirts cinched with a Gucci belt from Chinatown and hot pink sneakers. Dorit thinks she’s Vogue but she’s really just… Pogue.

Dorit and Lisa are not just having two different fights, but living in different universes. Lisa and Ken are the Starship Enterprise while Dorit and PeeKay – especially PeeKay – are aliens from a planet outside the galaxy who walk on their hands and communicate with their feet. Even PeeKay, though, sees the writing on the wall: be conciliatory, brush past puppygate, and move the f–k on before it emerges that you’re behind the Radar leak and that the woman who adopted Lucy doesn’t exist! Dorit probably forgot all these incriminating details, though.

For PeeKay their precarious situation is made loud and clear when they are invited to eat lunch at PUMP, a restaurant that doesn’t actually serve lunch, and seated in a corner while staff bustles around decorating for a Indian-themed party to celebrate India passing a gay rights law. “We’re not longer in the important seats,” PeeKay, sulks picking his teeth.

Dorit, on the other hand seems to believe she’s here to do battle, and will defend her honor at all cost! Even though she’s broke. I’m not sure if Dorit’s issues is that she wants to be personally vindicated after believing the hype from Teddi, Kyle, and Lipsa that she was wronged and is the victim, or if Dorit believes that re-attaching herself to LVP renders her a shadow figure on this show, and she’ll no longer have a storyline.

Dorit Kemsley

Dorit is still convinced that even if LVP didn’t personally leak the Radar story, she was behind it via her team. I’m never one to put nefarious maneuverings beyond LVP, and I’d believe in most (and almost any) cases that LVP would absolutely send a friend to the tabloids to spin things a certain way, but LVP’s reactions to this tabloid thing leave me feeling like she actually is innocent, instead of her usual Britney Spears innocent. Here again, confronted about her supposed role LVP is unprepared to be accused.

The main reason Dorit believes Lisa is guilty (other than Teddi and Kyle) is because Lisa didn’t call her after the Radar story broke, but instead went to TMZ. LVP thinks TMZ was better than a phone call because it was a public denouncement of the Radar article. Plus, it’s not like Lisa called them – they were there to report on the dog law being passed, and it was a right time, right place situation. Furthermore Dorit never called Lisa after Kyle was thrown out of her house, and Dorit also never called Kyle after PeeKay insulted her, yet she’s still upset about the case of the missing phone call regarding LVP?

Basically Dorit wants to believe LVP is behind this, and she’s not going to yield. Finally Ken stands up and announces theirf friendship is over, then Lisa follows suit. “If you think I’m a liar,” she tells Dorit (which is the same thing she told Kyle), “then we don’t have a friendship.”

Lisa’s right! Why on earth would these women WANT to be friends with a person they deem a liar, a fraud, a user, and a manipulator. Those sound like perfectly legitimate reasons for terminating a toxic friendship, yet they’re actually fighting over who is responsible for ruining their relationships with LVP. Just accept, as Lisa has, that y’all don’t like her much.  After that about-face Dorit wants to leave but instead follows LVP inside PUMP where Lisa has already switched gears back to professional restauranteur and is directing the manger about flowers or something. Dorit wants reassurance that LVP still loves her. Even though she called her a liar to her face…

Clearly Dorit is just trying to keep the storyline going, but Lisa is being serious. Lisa repeats that if Dorit thinks she would do something like this, if she really believes her a liar, than what is the point of a friendship? Escorting Dorit to the door with an off-hand “I love you,” which is basically the way women in BH say-goodbye, LVP corrects herself. “Actually I don’t love you. I don’t even like you all that much.” For good measure LVP adds that this is the only time she’s actually lied.

Then all the women meet at Teddi’s for a pre-RV planning dinner. Nothing was getting planned here except for laying the ground work for who would be the new target with LVP refusing to play ball. This season is now going to come down to Kyle vs. Dorit squabbling for the crown, with Camille being a sleeper sniper from the side, sidling in with an MTV dance move, tossing her hair, and shaking her shoulders and smirking.

Kyle Richards

Kyle is still incensed that PeeKay insulted her and didn’t really apologize. He LVP-apologized, which means he said he’s sorry in an off-hand way, but that will never be good enough. The real problem is that Kyle knows Dorit and PK had lunch with LVP and Ken so is now imagines everyone is BFF again and she’ll be like the dog who people forget to close the gate for.

Dorit Kemsley

Dorit is forced to explain that actually PeeKay is fine with LVP and Ken, but she’s not. Yes, PK would actually choose that friendship over his wife! Immediately Kyle starts to imagine that there’s some reason: like the Vanderpump-Todds are protecting PK because he has dirt on them, or a business connection, or PK was manipulated. These women are insane! Except PK did not make amends with LVP and Ken at all, and Dorit is lying!

Naturally Kyle and Dorit end up in a fight over how Kyle ruined her friendship with LVP for them, and now no one cares about how Kyle is suffering. It’s the circle of victimhood. Kyle claims she was Lisa’s way-way-better friend first, while Dorit insists that PeeKay has a deep friendship with LVP and Ken going back decades. Camille interjects (Teddi’s) that until  2 years ago no one had even heard LVP mention Dorit or PeeKay… ? Dorit sniffs that Kyle is her good friend, but she does’t know all of her good friends, and Kyle retorts, “Well maybe we’re not good friends!”

Erika Girardi

Erika sighs. Here we go again. Dorit and Kyle have gone from fighting together WITH LVP, to fighting with each other OVER LVP  “Guys – Lisa Vanderpump is not at home worried about either one of you,” she snipes. Truth, Erika, Truth.

And isn’t it funny that Kyle is morphing into LVP right before our very eyes, even giving out “Lisa insults.”  Now Kyle’s also the one dealing with Dorit’s turning her self-described victim-martyr nonsense around on her. Karma, karma, karma Chameleon…


[Photo Credits: Bravo]