I can’t figure out who is crazier on Below Deck Mediterranean: new third stew June Foster or billionaire charter guest Jackie Siegel. These two are two urchins in a reef who live in their own worlds – it’s probably better that they stay there instead of permeating ours.
The trek to picnic at Eze continues. Up a mountain, down a mountain, up a mountain, down a mountain, up an inflatable slide, down an inflatable… Oh wait, haha! That’s only for half the crew! The rest of the crew is on a particularly odious Amazing Race challenge featuring deck chairs and how many can be carried at once without a leg being broken (the chair’s or the human’s – doesn’t matter!).
Joao Franco and the rest of the team at Eze finally get everything to the top (with Jackie is whining for food like a petulant child) that there’s no cutlery and no one is answering the radio because Captain Sandy Yawn has them all frolicking in the water under the auspice of crew training. Or producers just wanted another opportunity to showcase Anastasia Surmava in a thong bikini.
Instead of flinging a cooler on the ground and losing her shit (like I would) Aesha Scott just sends Colin down to one of the beach restaurants to buy some plastic forks. Next comes the task of setting all this gear up. You’d think the guests could spend that time shopping, or visiting one of the many seaside bars for a nice aperitif, but nope! They apparently consider people doing work – work for their happiness – their own personal reality show.
That makes for quite a microcosm within a microcosm effect, doesn’t it? Seriously while the crew is climbing on rooftops to affix shade umbrellas Jackie rambles on about how a butterfly landed on her thumb.
Once she’s finally sitting down to lunch Jackie makes a toast to being a billionaire. How quaint!
In their moment of peace (all one of them) Aesha asks June what happened with the cutlery she was supposed to have packed. What happened was that June was worried about her own lunch and forgot all about Jackie’s lunch. At first, June kinda owns up to it. Then, she blames Hannah Ferrier for not double-checking her work.
After all, it’s only June’s 2nd day on the job… But still if you say you’ve packed the cutlery, then you best pack the cutlery! Or at least double check your own work. Or at least, at least admit to being overwhelmed by Jackie demanding to leave an hour earlier for the picnic and simply forgetting in all the mayhem. Aesha decides to keep a closer eye on June and warns Hannah later.
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After the arduous trek to feed Jackie, everyone is groggy and grumpy – especially Joao. And they still have to get all this shit down OFF the mountain. I’m not sure who had the worst task: Aesha, who had to stay behind and wait for HOURS while Jackie spent thousands on trinkets and jewelry, and practiced her French, which consists of saying “Tres Sexy” to to her own reflection; or June, Joao and Colin Macy-O’Toole who had to haul all the lunch provisions back to the tender, which required about 10 trips each, only to learn the crew remaining on Sirocco had the afternoon off to work on their tans!
I’m going with Aesha! After all Jackie bought a symbolic butterfly ring that cost $30k as Aesha stood by, and was probably so hungry she tried to eat the strap off the purse she bought from Amazon.
Joao is furious. He tells Hannah over and over how they should’ve had more people, especially since Hannah has been to Eze and knew what a huge job it was. But Hannah is all you had 2 stews, and didn’t radio for another, so not my prob, Jezabob!
In reality, Hannah, who is experiencing peaceful working relations with Joao does the mature adult thing and promises to do more research next time. Hannah meant more research on June, but Joao doesn’t have to know that! Speaking of June, while Aesha is still out there babysitting a drunk, disorderly (and very rich) Amelia Bedilia, June falls asleep then oversleeps for the dinner shift.
When Hannah wakes her up June leaps straight up, hair all askew, having no idea where she even is because she was dreaming of lunch. Colin is smitten. Only Colin whose only exposure to women has come from his mother’s bridge club and Housewives taking their kids on the ferry. Oh Colin…
If yesterday’s dinner was a celebration of the death of morality, but this dinner is a decidedly different theme: a celebration of life to honor Jackie’s late daughter Victoria.
June is supposed to be doing turndown, but June is like a butterfly; flitting about, landing randomly on things, and not really ever moving in any direction. But it gave her the opportunity to have a really sweet moment with Jackie. She showed June a photo of her daughter Victoria and shared that she believed the butterfly which landed on her finger in Eze was her daughter’s spirit. June bursts into tears, real and genuine tears, because she lost her father suddenly two years ago to the day.
June also truly believes that butterfly was Victoria. Since Jackie only knows how to buy people’s love she repays June for this moment by giving her the $30k butterfly ring. Obviously, June was doing all this emoting instead of turn-downs, then forgot about turn-downs and wandered off into her cabin leaving Hannah to remind her that she isn’t actually a guest on this yacht, but an employee. Honestly – who does June think she is – Jack Stirrup?!
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All the emotions and exhaustion has even Aesha bursting into tears. Not because she had to suffer through the buying of the ring only to have it so callously handed away, but because she’s thinking of her brother. Aesha cries into Jack’s arms and then when he gets called away to do Joao’s bidding, she makes Travis Michalzik hold her. It was oh-so very nice, but when Aesha gets excited about something her voice becomes so shrill she can communicate with dogs. Or under the sea life. Aesha literally sounds like a cartoon animal in heat.
But Hannah is avoiding it all. Emotions, as we know, are not her strong suit unless that emotion is indignant disbelief or “HONEY…” Which is basically the same thing. But even Hannah is feeling the feels enough to share that her own brother passed away when she was a child and suddenly her family had fallen apart. A celebration of lives indeed. Also a celebration of 90’s Mariah Carey if you count the butterflies and honey!
At Jackie’s request, Anastasia has to feed them the sexual organs of sea urchins, which require puncturing the very spiny shell with tiny pinchers then extracting some neon orange goo and making something edible with it. Jackie explains that urchins taste like a nursing baby’s poop. She knows from experience of getting it on her finger. I am still THROWING UP AT THAT IMAGE. THROWING UP. LITERALLY THROWING UP. (Sorry – I had to get that out.)
It was only natural to pair the urchins with a duo of scallops arranged to look like breasts. Hannah doesn’t think anyone will notice amid all the other fake boobs floating around.
After dinner, Jackie wants to send Chinese lanterns into the air to honor Victoria, but the rest of the guests want to go party in Monte Carlo. Jack is dispatched to prepare the tender and Sandy tells him to put on shoes if he’s going to be taking the guests to shore. Guess who is not going to put on shoes?! Even worse Jack goes to his cabin, ostensibly to get the shoes, but instead tries on suits to wear for his date with Aesha.
Then, he turns off the radio so as intentionally to not hear Joao calling him about the tender. Jack tried on about 4 suits but never managed to put on shoes. When he finally makes his appearance at the dock, Joao is furious. And rightfully so. I hate agreeing with Joao on anything, but seriously dude?! Really?!
As soon as the guests are dropped off, Joao confronts Jack about the missing shoes, but Jack’s feet are free and beautiful butterflies who cannot be caged except by Jackie’s AmEx after she guilds them with gold. Kuddos to Joao for keeping his calm while calling Jack’s behavior immature. Jack responds by immaturely complaining that he can’t listen to Joao’s directives because Joao doesn’t treat him with respect.
Joao is right on all accounts. A) respect is earned, Jack. B) SANDY asked him to put on shoes, not Joao, and C) Jack is lazy AF. Jack’s only good points are his charming personality and his knowledge of how to get the lanterns to float. For the ceremony Jackie has Aesha and June also write messages on lanterns for their loved ones, but as they try to send them into space all the lanterns crash right into the ocean. Jack is the only one with the magic touch…
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Of course, this is the night that doesn’t end. At 4am, Sandy radios to have the guests picked up from the club, and Hannah is still awake, literally walking Jackie around as if on a leash. Jackie is so wasted she wanders into the laundry room and is totally confused about what it even is. ‘WASH-ER,’ Hannah explains.
I honestly thought Jackie had run and slipped, sliding down the stairs into the laundry room, but in reality she just moved fast as a fox, and walked right into the ironing board which she probably thought was where the crew eats dinner. Why is Jackie always trying to upstairs/downstairs like this is Downton Abbey for phony royalty?
The next morning Jackie and Co. are up for breakfast by 10am. I was expecting them to be practically thrown off the boat! There are no quail eggs to be had so they have to eat whatever Anastasia throws in front of them: caviar. Since these people are nouveau riche in the extreme they will literally gush over anything that is ‘on paper’ fancy. That caviar could really be the engine gunk and Jackie would proclaim it delish. That is not to diminish Anastasia’s cooking – she seems to be doing an amazing job.
Jackie finally departs with a 45-minute speech thanking the crew for being amazing, then doesn’t even tip decently. Maybe it’s June’s fault and Jackie assumed that she had already given someone a phenomenally expensive ring so that was enough? Pawn that shit, June, feed your friends!
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Joao is at a loss for what to do with Jack so he asks Captain Sandy for advice. She’s useless as usual and basically suggests Joao lead the way he would want to be led or some other Joel Olsteen crap. Joao calls a meeting with the deckhands and is told by Jack that it’s his job to motivate him. Which it’s not. Jack is an adult, hired to do a job – so do it. Or don’t. But Jack is only motivated by one thing: women. So that’s Joao’s problem – he’s not one!
In the tip meeting, Captain Sandy asks June how she’s settling in. June decides against mentioning that Hannah is snippy and basically ignores her when not interrogating June about her love life, and instead says everyone is great. Colin imagines June is speaking directly to him – and his soon to be achy-break heart. Before the crew night out, Colin plots with Joao about how to let June know he’s interested in something beyond conversations across the ironing board.
After a degrading and exhausting charter, everyone badly needs a night out. Hannah notices June obsessing over her phone at dinner and demands an official answer on whether or not she has a boyfriend. Why is Hannah so concerned about this?!
June is forced to admit that she has a boyfriend, but they’re currently not speaking, so they’re sort of maybe on a break. Colin’s hopes are dashed completely. Then June suddenly stands up, covers her mouth and whispers to the Anastasia that she has to throw up as she runs to the bathroom to throw up. She begs Anastasia not to tell anyone.
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The rumors are that June may be pregnant? Possibly. The Below Deck Mediterranean cast member has posted NO instagram photos for months on end (but I did learn she had written a book on human trafficking). The other widely promoted internet theory is that June is a massive pot head.
TELL US – WHAT’S UP WITH JUNE? IS JACK THE PROBLEM OR IS JOAO A BAD MANAGER? WHAT DID YOU THINK ABOUT THE CHARTER GUEST’S FROM THE LAST BELOW DECK MEDITERRANEAN EPISODE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]