Last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean was a mess! Messier than Travis Michalzik after making out with his girlfriend, vodka!
First, there are the guests who are so distracted by bragging about who has the biggest menopausal sex drive they forget to eat their dinner until it gets cold, then the primary tattles to Captain Sandy Yawn. Instead of assessing the situation (‘ass’ being the operative prefix!) Captain Sandy hightails it down to the galley to complain to Ben Robinson, who promptly shoves his finger into the pan of risotto and proclaims it hot. PIPING. As hot as Ben’s rage and regret that he once again sold his soul to Bravo: the pirates of dignity.
Then the guests have the audacity to send the dessert back, largely uneaten, saying they didn’t like it. Considering these are people who probably wouldn’t realize they were being served an unpackaged Zebra Cake (Mila Classic) on a fancy plate, I wouldn’t put much stock in their opinion, but Ben is literally about to rip the monitor screens out of the walls, like he’s backstage at a Kid Rock concert in 2005. The impudence! Aesha Scott soothes things by licking one of the guests’ spoons and insisting the dessert is delicious. As delicious as Jack Stirrup‘s hair? Which you know she eats on the regular!
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These guests are so wasted it’s almost like watching a bad 80’s comedy about how stay-at-home moms act after 3 wine coolers .They compare Colly Wolly to Gisele Bundchen. Apparently, collecting dirty dishes gives you Victoria’s Secret wings! Then the guests proceed to have a conversation about how one of them slept with the other one’s ex-husband. They both agree that his dick is crooked. Bonding!
But the true star of the evening was the woman who did a drunken version of the “Thriller” Zombie dance, followed by a yoga headstand (you know at least 4 of these alimonied phonies are ‘yoga’ teachers). All of this unfolded while Jack was on night watch, where the only other entertainment was licking Aesha’s face (he probably got the cake crumbs off) while reading a book. Jack reads?
Poor Jack got the short end of the stick, though, because the hottest of the guests cornered Travis while he was in the kitchen taking out the trash. A man who does domestic labor really overrides her hormone therapy! The night ends with the women drunken wrestling until somebody pees, then mom breaks up the sleepover.
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The group was so rowdy they kept the crew awake. Anastasia Surmava ended up sleeping through her morning alarm and had to be woken up by the gentle, grating threats of Captain Sandy admonishing her for missing the school bus and forgetting to pack a lunch.
Anastasia doesn’t seem to care if Captain Sandy is upset though. Just like she didn’t seem to care about ruining the guest’s dress. Anastasia keeps bragging bout how being third stew is so easy it’s practically sleepwalking – soooo why is she fucking up? Why is Anastasia less competent than the woman doing the zombie twerking to invisible music the previous night? It’s the Curse Of JuneJune… Phantom!
Hannah Ferrier has completely lost control of this charter but, like Anastasia, she doesn’t seem to care. Hannah is clearly unnerved by Ben’s presence and fixated on why Travis doesn’t need her anymore, so Hannah really only realizes how shitty Anastasia’s work ethic is when Captain Sandy literally whacks her over the head with it. Also, the guests are too demanding for Hannah to breathe.
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After a huge hangover breakfast, they all demand a mid-morning snack of CHEESEBURGERS and french fries. Ben is in the midst of preparing for lunch, actually, when Hannah saunters down to the kitchen to deliver the news that Ben must grind some meat and attempt to turn on the induction stove, which is as fickle as all the men in Hannah’s life.
You know Hannah relished grinding Ben’s mood with this bad news, and afterwards, she strolled away to mix the first of many espresso martinis. It was made all the more sweet by the guests promptly vacating the swim deck to do water sports and ride off on the tender (aka: an excuse to stare at Travis‘ ass, unchecked).
Of course, Hannah’s strut may have been the result of an extremely rocky boat! I mean that literally, not metaphorically. With 20 knot winds, the Sirocco starts dragging anchor. So, Sandy demands the crew get the slide and all water toys inside IMMEDIATELY, followed by the guests.
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Sandy is livid that the crew is moving on ‘Anastasia time’ – meaning not moving fast enough, and playing around on the tenders while the Sirocco is literally unmoored. Like the Wizard of Oz – the boat will fly, fly away. Exciting.
Over the radio, Sandy screams for Colin and Joao Franco to drop the secondary anchors now. In their rush, Colin slips, rips open his toe and lands hard on his wrist. Instead of helping him up, Joao went all Zim and saved himself by ignoring his friend’s weakness in order to get the work done.
With the anchors in place, Sandy sends Colin to the hospital in case he broke his wrist. It is there, when Joao is driving Colin to the hospital, on the tender of possible doom, that he starts to feel the quavering emotions that he could’ve lost his Colly Wolly! Jack, meanwhile, thinks Colin will literally do anything to get off this boat!
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It turns out Colin just has a sprain, and is sent home with a wrist brace and a few pills. Colin calls his mommy who warns him about ibuprofen being the gateway drug to the opioid epidemic. She offers to fly to France and administer children’s Advil with plenty of popsicles infused with love and Pedialyte! Mommy’s kisses make everything all better. The person who needs Mama Colly’s love and smothering and to be escorted off the boat for medical attention is Travis! He’s in the throes of Last-season-Hannah nervous breakdown. The cause: losing Jack to Aesha when they ‘moved in’ together.
Travis feels bereft, abandoned, the forgotten friend left to fend for himself. Aka, he’s depressed. Also demented. Travis can literally see (and hear) Jack and Aesha’s room from his. Also, he gets to share with Ben who probably has snacks and doesn’t wave his dick in Travis’ face. The entire thing is utterly ridiculous. Especially because Jack seems so happy with Aesha, and vice versa.
On day 2, this living together thing is working out. This is the Fantasy Suite on The Bachelor, but we need to know what happens after the final rose! (A: Jack realizes he’s made a mistake, rescinds his rose, and gives it to Trav). If we thought Travis was drowning his sorrows before – we ain’t seen nothing yet!
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After a disastrous first dinner, Ben’s confidence is wobbling. Especially with Captain Sandy is dining with the guests on night 2! Instead of wowing them with five-star service, Hannah decorates the table like a low-rent 80’s wedding, then Ben decides to serve them buffet-style, letting lazy Susan do all the work. The food turns out to be delicious, but the guests are confused as hell as they attempt to serve themselves halibut portions without elbowing each other or having their dresses fall down.
Ben is confused when the guests summon him from the boughs of hell to the table. Attempting to find them, Ben gets lost in a labyrinth of strange stairwells and bizarre corridors, finally landing in Captain Sandy‘s room (yikes! he was probably greeted by an inappropriate invisible hug!) before finally making it to the dining table.
And then a lightbulb went off: no wonder the food is cold! Ben informs Sandy they need to invest in some of those food domes. Finally a solution! How did it take nearly an entire charter season to figure this out? Also – no one gave Ben a tour of the boat? At least the guests only wanted to tell him dinner was delicious.
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It really doesn’t matter what Ben serves, or how he serves it, because the true main course is two of the guests arguing about Captain Sandy‘s attention. One of the guests was talking to Sandy, and believed the other – Jules, maybe? – interrupted and after dinner, it escalates into a full-fledged argument about who is stealing all of Sandy’s love looks. Things get so heated (definitely more heated than the dinners ever are!) the two end up screaming at each other in their rooms, while their friends play a game of Let’s Sexually Harass The Help.
The leftover ladies interrupt Jack as he’s watching the endless black water, dreaming of a day when Aesha will finally sleep with him. They start literally pulling his clothes off until Captain Sandy intervenes “for the safety of the boat.” Aesha is upset, then shocked that she’s jealous. Now she knows how Travis feels!
Speaking of, the one lady is, again, focusing all of her attentions on Travis – and his gluteus maximus. She decides to play golf just for the opportunity to watch Travis bend over and squat. After being dumped by Jack, Travis is relishing in the attention and decides to take action. So, he writes a note to the fancy lady and decides to slip it into her hand as she departs the boat the following morning.
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The next morning as the women leave, while Sandy is distracted, Travis indeed slips the note. Success! And the perfect fit for Travis’ maturity level. You’d think he’d be in a good mood after that, but teenagers are moody and when told no they are apt to rebel. Which is what happens when Hannah lectures Travis about taming his drinking to refrain from getting obliterated on their crew night out – especially after what happened last time when he slapped Anastasia in a drunken stupor.
The true reason Hannah wants Travis to behave is because she has gotten them a reservation somewhere fancy and doesn’t want to be embarrassed by Travis’ antics, nor does she want to spend her evening taking care of him. So… don’t.
Why has Hannah decided Travis is her responsibility to micromanage? Doesn’t she have enough to worry about with the boat and the stews, and Sandy demanding she get fancier with the centerpieces? This is the same pattern that emerged between Hannah and Conrad! When Hannah feels she no longer has these boys under her thumb, she morphs into mummy dearest. But, the problem is that they lose interest because she’s trying to control and smother them. Which came first the mommy or the teen?
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True to form, despite the repeated demands from Hannah to stop it (or else!), Travis gets wasted. So intoxicated he falls on the floor of the club. Ben has to actually carry him to the car and toss him inside. Travis blames Hannah’s constant badgering him about not drinking for ultimately pushing him over the edge – but no excuse!
Travis has a problem. Jack knows it too, but tries to soft-pedal to everyone else that Travis just likes to have fun. However, Travis himself admits that he drinks to forget and escape. He needs help. No two ways around it.
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TELL US – IS TRAVIS’ DRINKING OUT OF CONTROL OR DOES HANNAH NEED TO BUTT OUT?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]