Comscore

Randall Emmett

Jax Taylor Brittany Cartwright Vanderpump Rules

We will finally be put out of our misery tonight! We finally get to see Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright get married on Vanderpump Rules tonight! This whole season has been leading up to this wedding and it’s finally here. Praise Mamaw.

Of course, their wedding will have some drama. Kristen Doute and her non-boyfriend [Brian] Carter get into a heated exchange at the reception and most likely end up hooking up after anyway. Stassi Schroeder starts to wonder if she and Beau Clark will ever get engaged. Spoiler alert: they will.

Vanderpump Rules James Kennedy

The last season of Vanderpump Rules could have easily had the alternate title Everyone Hates James Kennedy. They were all against James Kennedy, including Lala Kent, who was finally accepted by the “in crowd” among the cast members. This season, there are too many feuds to count, but at least there’s some good news: Lala and James have finally made up.

After James accused Lala of “sleeping with a fat man who pays [her] rent” during that infamous rant that was “not about the pasta,” these two are both alcohol-free and friends again. It seemed like that would never happen, but it does seem like they are genuinely cool these days.

Dayna Kathan Vanderpump Rules

Suddenly I am interested in the new people on Vanderpump Rules. It’s because of the way the girls react to men treating them like dirt. Initially I was like Dayna Kathan will not last long on this show if she’s dumping Max Boyens at the first whiff of a cheating scandal, because the very basis of this show is the girls (and Tom Sandoval) learning that for months their sigfig has been lying to them and cheating.

I mean, every season without fail there has been a cheating mess involving one of the guys doing the dirty and one of the girls forgiving him after lots of tearful remonstrations and emotional drunk-fests.

Like here we are on the forever precipice (the fall into the abyss of weddings where there literally is no bottom) of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright getting married, and Jax is defining Brittany as the perfect girl for him for one reason and one reason only: she’s the only one who stayed. Every other girl eventually wised up and dumped his cheating, trifling, philandering, narcissistic, manipulating, lying impregnating, betraying, ass. Everyone but Brittany, who wants the wedding in a phony castle and the princess fantasy of turning the beast into a man far more than she wants the man. Um, Brit there’s a reason the Disney movies end with the wedding.

Lala Kent Vanderpump Rules

Last season of Vanderpump Rules was everyone vs. James Kennedy. And, now, this season is shaping up to be everyone vs. Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix. With a little everyone vs. Kristen Doute thrown in for good measure.

Recently, Tom Sandoval called out Lala Kent for not being the “safe place” that she claimed to be while Ariana vocalized her struggles with depression. He expressed that he was upset with Lala for saying “mean nasty things” about his girlfriend.

Jax Taylor Brittany Cartwright Vanderpump Rules

OMG is this Jaxney wedding EVER going to happen on Vanderpump Rules?! It is the wedding that never ends. It just goes on and on my non-friends. And people start getting kicked out of it, and recycled back in, and the wedding party never stops growing just because this is the wedding that never ends…

UGH. UGH. UGH. I am fatigued. I am parched. I am drowning in MeeMaw’s beer cheeeaaaze and I need rescuing before I sink into a the quicksand of saturated fat like a Frito left to dip too long.

So yes, Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwrights tyrannical wedding continues. Bravo really hates us this season. But Jax isn’t the only one not getting it wright – James Kennedy is also back on the scene, waving around his BabyJax t-rex text arms of rage. Why can’t people leave sweet little unicorn-eyed Raquel Leviss alone? Let her grow some My Little Pony wings and fly into the serenity of a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper, covered in cotton candy-scented stickers and those magical sequins that shift directions when you pet them. This is where Raquel belongs. Not in a rage-text vortex with her pathologically drunk boyfriend who blames everything on her being too pretty to trust out in the world on her own and being British.

Lala Kent Asks For Donations To Humane Society For Her Bridal Shower

Lately it seems like it’s impossible to have any Vanderpump Rules content without a wedding being discussed. Between Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright’s nuptials to Lala Kent and Randall Emmett’s upcoming day, it’s like everyone has suddenly decided that getting married is the thing to do. Even Stassi Schroeder got engaged last year. Not that anyone cares what I think but personally, I’m not here for all the wedding story lines. I like my Vanderpump Rules as God intended it: a bunch of drunken kids going out, fighting and all sleeping with each other. If I wanted to see weddings in my reality shows, I would just change the channel and find them. But enough about me.

Lala and Randall have been engaged for some time now, so it’s only natural that Lala has some upcoming wedding events to keep her and her friends busy. One of those such events is her bridal shower. But much like everything else she does, Lala is planning on doing it her way.

Lala Kent Dishes On Pregnancy Pact With Brittany Cartwright, Katie Maloney & Stassi Schroeder

Isn’t it crazy how many of the Vanderpump Rules couples are either married or engaged? Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz are hitched. Last summer, Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright tied the knot, and their nuptials will play out on this season of Pump Rules. I am exhausted from all the showers/bachelorettes/ and other parties these couples have before their weddings.

In October, Stassi Schroeder will marry Beau Clark in Italy. And Lala Kent is slated to wed Randall Emmett in April. Randall even made his first appearance on the reality show, proving that he does exist. In a shocking turn of events, their wedding will not be filmed for Vanderpump Rules. I thought it was mandatory for all weddings to be filmed. Just saying.

Jax Taylor Vanderpump Rules

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was a doozy. I thought last week was bad, but well, I should’ve known better.

Why on earth does Jax Taylor think it’s a punishment to be kicked out of his trashy-ass wedding? He’s horrific so not being associated with that wad of human filth – a literal hairball pulled out of a 50 year old drain who isn’t even inviting his OWN MOTHER to his wedding – is the best thing that could possibly happen to a decent human being like Tom Sandoval.

Also Ariana Madix is the only person on Vanderpump Rules who truly understands with a toxic cesspool it is. It is the drain! The drain where a thousand strands of hair that wouldn’t pass a drug test and the dead skin of dead souls collects into an impenetrable mass that just traps a person there. Ariana is realizing that she’ll barely escape alive. That she is one scowl and a Hot Cheeto and tequila sundae away from turning into Katie Maloney, marrying a man she detests to prolong the only thing that pays her enough to buy a track home in the way-out Valley.