Happy Pumpdays to you and yours! I can hardly believe we’re entering our tenth season together as Vanderpump Rules fans, haters, viewers, and critics. When we last saw the Pump Rules cast, Raquel Leviss was making plans to move out of James Kennedy’s life. This season we’ll get to see her move into Tom Schwartz, Oliver Saunders, and Peter Madrigal’s orbits instead. Our booked and blessed queen is keeping the content fresh.
Lala Kent will be busy showing us her recovery from a once proud relationship with a dude who still spikes his hair with gel and gets off from role-playing casting calls. His literal job. Doesn’t that seem a little sus? Maybe only to those of us who remember he was married with children when he first “auditioned” Lala. This hypocritical arc will no doubt provide a tepid backdrop for the main event.
Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney are finally over. A divorce made in heaven. Though these two tried making public statements to depict a peaceful ending to a completely haywire relationship, it all crumbled to pieces during Scheana Shay’s marriage to Brock Davies. We have SO MUCH to cover this season. But before we start, are there any early guesses as to what Tom Sandoval’s gimmick of the year will be? My money is on him taking shots of Malort from an old-timey candlestick or something.
No More Bubba Talk
After nine solid seasons of Schwartz playing the role of bumbling unemployed Craigslist rando, he’s finally going to be taken to task. I love to see it. The episode starts with a flashback to his and Katie’s Wednesday wedding. Katie tells the camera that she asked for a divorce last winter. In his confessional, Tom admits he can’t give specifics on why his marriage ended. That’s because he wasn’t listening when Katie brought it up. His words.
Katie reveals that the only thing she’s asked of Tom in the split is that he doesn’t hook up with anyone in the friend group. The fact that it needed to be said. I’m just SO glad Raquel isn’t a witch of WeHo right now!
James Has A New Caregiver
We first see James driving to SUR, listening to his own music. He calls his new girlfriend, Ally Lewber, and I feel like I’m in another dimension. For whatever reason, his split from Raquel is throwing me. Was I rooting for these kids?!?
Lisa Vanderpump has a word with James about his drinking during his DJ shift at SUR. This show is really trying to get back to its roots. Lisa then voices concern over how quickly James is moving with Ally. I just feel this getting bleak, and soon.
Raquel Shows Out
Raquel is now my single queen. She spends the episode calling out James’ mommy issues, elegantly building rapport with his new fling, and dunking on creepy men wearing bath towels. Literally.
During James’ SUR perormance, Raquel spends her time waiting on the veteran cast members and taking shots with Charli Burnett in the back of the bar. At one point, James happens to run into Raquel in the SURver bathroom. Coincidental AF!
James seizes the opportunity to talk to Raquel about his fascination with wine, cheese, and Ally. He tells Raquel he’s found the love of his life. Can he hear himself? Raquel calls James out for being back on the bottle. She even questions how he could feel so strongly about someone so fast after their break up. I’m loving direct communication on her. Raquel then proceeds to make out with Peter in front of everyone like a normal single person.
Ariana Madix, Katie, and Lala get together at TomTom to reunite for the season. Ariana is one of us. She doesn’t believe in the “BFF Pact” between Katie and Tom. I’ve never quite understood how she’s tolerated Schwartz as the best friend of Sandoval over the years. She seems as perpetually disappointed in him as the rest of us.
Lala is also boycotting Schwartz this season. She’s disgusted by his ongoing friendship with Randall Emmett after the allegations being made about him in the press. I totally agree the friendship is creepy and embarrassing. And I mean that for both Tom and Rand. In her confessional, Katie piles on, “The day that Tom takes responsibility for anything will be a cold day in hell.”
RELATED: Randall Emmett Denies That The FBI Is Investigating Him For “Suspected Activities With Child Exploitation And Pedophilia” Amid Drama With Ex-Wife Ambyr Childers
We later learn that Katie has made out with three people and done “the whole thing” with two since her divorce from Tom. I’m both impressed and intrigued.
The Toms Stay Loyal
At least they have each other. Their new business venture hasn’t exactly taken off, but honestly who cares? Are we really thirsting for more of this schtick? Schwartz is lamenting having to pay his bills. Sandoval is sorry he left his friend to join a band. Everything is getting back to normal.
Schwartz is getting taken to task for continuing to spend time with Rand for the sake of playing pickleball. Sandoval maintains that Schwartz doesn’t owe Lala anything, and it’s perfectly normal to spend your precious days on earth with a disgraced manipulative cheater.
We end the episode with James performing another show. Tom approaches Lala saying he thinks it’s silly she won’t let him hang out with someone who cheated on her a whole 7 months ago. Lala reiterates her expectations for someone she’s going to keep in her life. Tom tells her she’s ego-tripping. Lala calls Tom weak, and he aptly responds “no you are.” Lala is very clear that if Tom isn’t going to be with her, he’s against her.
*Fade to black.*
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