Katie Maloney and Tom 2 get engaged

Last night on Vanderpump Rules, Tom Schwartz finally took the ring OFF the string and placed it on Katie Maloney‘s finger. Don’t worry – he’ll still be forever tied down to Tom 1

In cold hard realities, the “A” Tom 1 drunkenly tattooed on his ass stands for Adulting. Tom 1 spent 15 drunken minutes getting inked, but now wants his 15 minutes back. Ariana Madix escorts him to Dat Tat Off, the world’s most professional tattoo removal parlor, which is coincidentally managed by Kristen Doute‘s Machiavellian friend, who happens to be wearing black and white stripes. Tom 1 – forever imprisoned by Kristen somehow! Tom went there in the hopes of getting a ‘friend-ish’ discount. 

If they were a movie, it would be called, She’s [He’s] Just Not That Over You (The Tom and Kristen forever dysfunction story). True to form, Kristen’s friend is eager to view the self-inflicted damage Ariana caused Tom to enact. 

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For all that lack of dignity, Tom 1 scores a measly 5% off. Which brings his total removal bill to 18 months of purgatory and $1000. Tom cries. Ariana gives him that ‘I told you so’ side-eye. Does Ariana ever look straight ahead at anything? #RhetoricalQuestion. 

Scheana Marie ditched Shay (and his sobriety) to meet Kristen and Jax Taylor for drinks. The topic of conversation is naturally the upcoming Tom 1/Jax birthday trip to Hawaii, which Kristen reallyreallyreally wants to attend even though Tom is exnaying the ex-girlfriend presence. Jax, however, only has balls for Lala Kent, and therefore can’t expend any resources breaking the news to Kristen that she won’t be Waikiking. I still don’t understand why Kristen would even want to come where she’s not wanted, but then I remember it’s Kristen and that’s like her schtick. Stalking and Harassing are probably her top two interests on her Tinder Profile. 

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Kristen and Scheana are BFF now, which figures. #DeserveEachOther. Scheana is stabbing Ariana in the back left and right – she might as well stab Ariana in the ass with a tattoo gun that only does really gnarly and embarrassing tats. Like Ariana or not, Scheana’s behavior is shady. 

I also don’t get this newfound Kristen-love that Scheana and Katie are afflicted with. I completely understand forgiving a friend and deciding to continue your friendship. What I do not understand is why Tom and Ariana are expected to be besties with Kristen and vacation with her. FOR THEIR BIRTHDAY! The worst is their so-called friends being pissed that they don’t want to. That seems a little immature, no?

Wouldn’t a real friend simply explain to Kristen that it will probably forever be awkward and that’s that. I sure as hell don’t want to vacation with my crazy ex – even if he IS reformed. Even though we DO still share some mutual friends! But of course Scheana is the most vapid, self-obsessed person alive whose apartment is an homage to herself and gives me the Dorian Grey heebie-jeebies. 

Honestly – they are acting like this is the last time Bravo is gonna hand out free trips to Hawaii. It’s not that serious people. And yes, I know Kristen will snap, and cause all kindsa drama with Tom 1 and Ariana, thus proving her ‘transformation to sane person’ wasn’t real, and we’re all wanting to see that, but don’t worry – Jax gets arrested! So, Kristen, why subject yourself to being a made a fool of? Not worth it girl. 

Since Jax has sneak-invited Lala on this little drinks jaunt, Kristen playacts like she’s cool with Lala but is so clearly not. Oh, what’s this now? Kristen doesn’t want to be FRIENDS with the gal currently dating her ex-boyfriend James Kennedy? Oh, she doesn’t? Even though Lala makes it explicitly clear to Jax Kristen that she hasn’t slept with James. 

The drunker everyone gets the more handsy-feely-flirty-nauseating Jax and Lala become, and the more judgey and pissy Scheana and Kristen become. These gals seem so threatened by Lala! It’s hard to watch some youngin encroach upon Jax’s STD saddle. VOMIT.  The icing on the cake is when Jax invites Lala to Hawaii, while Kristne’s invite is still “pending approval” [code words for “Access Denied”]. 

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Poor Kristen – she doesn’t want Lala stealing Jax’s attention, but she totally doesn’t mind if Lala takes over her “Skank Of The Year” title!

Katie and Scheana have decided Kristen is this supremely amazing person they visit her new apartment to trash talk Ariana and blame her for Tom 1 banning Kristen from Hawaii. Honestly – Scheana should be forced to listen to Stassi Schroeder demand a pinot grigio for at least 100 years. Then Scheana would understand how I feel whenever she appears on my TV. Scheana is an atrocious friend, terrible to Shay, and her apartment is Hoarders for Narcissists. 

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In more pleasant news, Tom 2 wants Lisa Vanderpump‘s approval before proposing, so he treks Villa Rosa to practice his spiel. When he finally shows Lisa the rock, she’s aghast that Tom 2 has committed to something other than male modeling and Tom 1. Ditto, Vanderpump. Ditto. 

Tom 1 is the only other person privy to Tom 2′s plan. In a heartfelt montage of their friendship the Toms reminisce about meeting through a Craigslist roommate ad and soulmating ever since, all the way into almost pseudo-adulting. They nearly come to tears reliving their many years together. I do have such a soft spot for the Toms and their friendship. I dunno why, but they melt my heart! 

The next day at SUR, Tom 1 breaks a bottle of booze just as Lisa arrives. She pretends to chastise him, but it’s all a ruse to get the scoop on Tom 2‘s plans. Lisa and Tom whisper about what’s going down, and then Lisa quizzes Tom about the possibility of him popping the question to Ariana. Am I the only one who dreams of a Double Wedding between Tom 1 & Ariana, and Katie and Tom 2? 

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Poor Katie is confused by Tom 2′s many mixed signals. She interrupts Tom and Lisa’s powwow to ask Lisa how the Toms are doing with their LVP Sangria gig. Uh, the answer is not at all. “I just wish he’d commit to something!” sighs Katie. Little does she know. Little does she know. 

One person is committing – Brittany Cartwright! Come hell or tequila-high Lala, Brittany is moving in with Jax. When she arrives in LA from Kentucky, Jax is about as excited to see her as he is a positive pregnancy test. He didn’t even take off work to help her move into his apartment! When Jax realizes Brittany’s car is filled with boxes, he started getting heart palpitations that it’s really happening. Inside those boxes: the tepid remains of Jax’s freedom and testosterone. 

Watching from across the bar are James and Lala. Lala had no idea Jax and Brittany were serious and is shocked/disappointed to realize Brittany will be Jax’s LIVE IN GIRLFRIEND! Should have f–ked him while you had the chance! #FailedToGetItPoppinWithDaddy James, however, is ecstatic that “Kentucky Friend Chicken” fried Jax’s plan to sleep with Lala! 

Lala and James gossip about Hawaii. James has decided to invite himself. And Lala has decided to wear nothing but a coconut – naked – to piss Jax off all week. Jax is grody. Lala and James are too. I need an antibacterial screen for my TV. 

A week before this Hawaii trip Jax picks up his check from Lisa’s office and to request a last-minute week off for himself and 95 of his closet SUR friends. Why doesn’t Lisa just close the restaurant in honor of the national holiday that is Jax’s Birthday?!

Jax tries to sweeten Lisa up by telling her Max is attending the trip because he’s dating new server Faith. That has the opposite of intended effects – Lisa does not want her precious Max vacationing with Jax. Or getting his ass tattooed with a Tom. And that is because Lisa is a wise woman and loving mother. Nevertheless Lisa agrees to give them the time off IF they can get their shifts covered. 

Later James notices the schedule has nearly everyone but him off for the week, he gets huffy and it turns into to a SheHulk moment. Lisa, standing guard, reminds James that he doesn’t even LIKE Jax (or Tom 1), which is why he wasn’t even invited on the trip, plus he’s supposed to be upfront busing tables.

James, being a by-product of Kristen, decides that invites are irrelevant because he’s inviting himself if he has to hide under Lala’s skirt and sneak onto the plane. Again, the question, why would you WANT to go on a trip where you are clearly NOT invited? No one wants to see your pasty, shirtless self temper-tantruming around Hawaii, James. Accept it. 

Lala and Faith have become friends, which is unfortunate for Faith because Lala confesses to touching James‘ “pee pee.” Apparently as soon as it became clear that Jax was indisposed due to Brittany’s permanent presence, Lala got quite conveniently cosy with James. Faith wonders how Lala can find James attractive. Don’t we all… 

I have a serious question, though: who in the hell wants to make out with Lala’s Janet Jackson circa 1995 lipliner? I ask because apparently everyone at SUR is jonesing over Tequila Lala and her alter-ego the Fake-Out Pee Pee Touching Rule Breaker.  But Lala’s makeup is so bad. When Lala was talking to Faith she looked so pretty and fresh without those over-drawn lips and eyebrows. It’s so odd – Lala is young, but she dresses, makeups, and talks like the Mean Girls ‘cool mom’ – you know, like when your mom (or Kyle Richards) says ‘On fleek’. I shudder whenever I mentally re-hear Lala saying, “Let’s get it popping daddy.” #NEVERFORGET

Finally it’s the big day. Tom 2 starts with a confidence-boosting pep talk from Tom 1, who also helps him choose the perfect proposal outfit. These two… 

The ruse is it’s Tom 1′s birthday dinner, which everyone must dress up for, and once entrees are cleared Tom 2 will propose. Over dinner Tom is literally having a panic attack: sweating, gasping for breath, whining that his vest is too tight, fanning himself. Only Tom 1 was aware of his severe distress. I imagine he disarmed a tranquilizer gun into Tom 2’s leg from under the table.

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Finally the moment arrives. And there’s a twist! Tom 2 hired another another couple to do a mock proposal across the restaurant as a distraction, in the middle of it, Tom 2 saunters over and snatches the ring box, walks over to Katie, gets down on one knee and pops the question. It was a fabulous moment and genuinely surprising for everyone else. 

Of course Katie says yes! So, Congratulations! You got ringed. 

Everyone is ecstatic to have witnessed the beautiful moment. The ring is gorgeous – it’s so unique. However it was tinged with a  little irony; Katie, days before, was talking mad shit about Tom 1 about what an immature shitty friend he is and how she wasn’t sure she could be around someone who holds grudges. Yet here was Tom 1, the most supportive of Tom 2‘s proposal process, who helped him plan it from the very beginning, and was genuinely happy for his friends.  

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Vanderpump Rules and Bad Friends – it’s a tale as old as time. At least the Toms keep it 100! 

TELL US – ARE YOU SURPRISED TOM 2 FINALLY POPPED THE QUESTION? WILL JAX AND BRITTANY LAST? SHOULD TOM AND ARIANA GET OVER KRISTEN OR IS EVERYONE ELSE BEING SHITTY FRIENDS? 

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

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