Last night was the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules. SIX LONG SEASONS I will have been recapping this show, and six long seasons I will have loved every minute of it. Well, OK, not every minute, but a lot of minutes. Last night did not disappoint on this rollercoaster to hell and back. Complete with costumes! But still can the writers over there get a new story besides cheating?!
At SUR, Tom Sandoval is still slinging drinks while dreaming of a less sloppy future. A Tomtastic future with sexy TVs and pot-tinis. Yes, you heard that right: pot-tinis, as in marijuana-laced mixed drinks. That sounds like a YouTube horror story about what teens are getting into to these days.
Lisa Vanderpump is moving forward with Tom-Tom, a restaurant centered around the Toms, and for the low introductory price of $100,000 dollars, paid in installments of $9.99 per month (for life) – taxes and fees apply – the real life Toms can become 10% partners in this glorious venture. One might think old (I used that word intentionally) Tom 1 would be grateful. Instead he is besieged with angst!
What if LVP like takes over everything with her years of expertise and all her capital investment!? What if she makes this HER restaurant, with all her permits and licenses and taxes, while Tom 1 is reduced to the quiet murmuring shuuuuush of a cocktail shaker; pouring out polstices even though his name is on the door? Sadly this sounds like a dream come true to Katie-shackled Tom 2, but not eager-beaver Tom 1!
Tom 1 is being SERIOUS about co-owning a bar, you guys!. He even went on this, like, pot “research trip” with Tom 2 and Jax Taylor to Colorado to learn about the legalities of mixing booze with pot, cause he’s like a real like adult and wants to be treated like a real businessman.
Tom 1 confesses all his worries and concerns to Ariana Madix. Unfortunately he was doing his venting at SUR while LVP and Ken were seated a couple tables away, and they overheard everything. Oops. Tom, little tip: don’t complain about your boss in your boss’s restaurant. Even worse, because the next day Tom is meeting Lisa, Ken and Tom 2 at the Tom Tom site to go over details. Awkward!
Scheana Marie still hasn’t grown up either. Although she has shed like 250 lbs of mean girl when she broke up with Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. Now she’s the happiest she’s ever been. Well, the happiest she’s ever been since she also dumped Shay and started dating Rob Valetta. Or was the happiest she’s ever been when she got married?
Unfortunately Katie is having difficulty letting go of Scheana and her betrayal of going around mocking Katie for not having enough friends. Katie can’t believe Scheana has gone from being her made-for-TV bridesmaid to someone she rage texts on the regular. After the last round of angry texts called her pathetic and desperate to be their friends, Scheana tells Katie she’s not invited to the birthday party that Katie didn’t know she was not invited to. Scheana doesn’t want negativity and that problem is usually Katie and Stassi. Which yeah, it probably IS (cause Katie) but, um, exactly how old is Scheana turning? Don’t answer – denial is my comfortable place with this show.
Ariana has also made changes – she cut off all her hair and now Tom 1 is jerking off to the clippings and the scent of hair salon shampoo. The entire visual is so nauseating!
Perhaps the most exiting development, however, is that of James Kennedy and his friend Logan.What is going on there?
Those two have a have a rather interesting uh relationship, don’t they? Now I don’t care if James plays gay while the cat’s away – entirely his business – but James is fronting as if Logan isn’t a mere distraction of convenience and acting like his boyfriend while Raquel is away at college, where she is NOT getting smart enough to dump James!
Now that Raquel is coming home for the whole summer Logan is being fazed out, but I don’t think he’s aware that he’s going from James‘ BFF (and also chauffeur, personal banker, ‘hiking partner’ and drunken counselor) to his part-time personal assistant.
James sets the stage for this dumping by having Logan over to help set up for Raquel’s arrival. There are pull-apart cookies to bake (COOKIES said with much laughter and pushing and possibly nipple tweaking) a banner to scrawl “Welcome Home” on in ballpoint pen, and the installation of the new Target area rug since the old one possibly had a c *m stain on it, but definitely red wine. And some other stuff. As soon as Raquel walks through the door and starts sucking face with James, he kicks a dour-faced Logan out. Like you don’t let the door hit’ya, but see you tomorrow for my ride to PUMP. Does James not drive now? What happened to his Beamer? How will he take Beamer Selfies?!
Anyway, that’s Logan!
Now it is time for everyone’s least favorite part of Vanderpump Rules: checking in with Stassi Schroeder. UGH. Stassi is now semi-back with Patrick and this time she senses that things are different. I think that sense is called intoxication. Stassi isn’t confident enough in Patrick that she’s relinquishing control of her half of Tom 2. This Sister Wives hostage situation will never end and Tom 2 basically admits to having Stockholm Syndrome. SERIOUSLY! More like STASholm Syndrome <shudder>.
Well, at least Katie and Tom haven’t killed each other yet. Apparently marriage is better than dating, and Stassi is the perfect third wheel. Stassi visits to bemoan her complicated life of waking, baking, and boozing and then going back to bed with Patrick. Also the universe has informed her that she’s not meant to be friends with Scheana. Even though Stassi doesn’t like Scheana, has never liked Scheana, and doesn’t want to be friends with Scheana like ever, she still irritated that Scheana dumped her, because Stassi does the dumping round these parts, not subpar Scheana!
Not only did Scheana disinvite Katie and Stassi to her birthday, but she invited Tom 2. To attend without Katie and Stassi. And worse: Tom 2 is going! While he’s planning his outfit and being harangued by 2 of the threeheads of the shebeast, Jax strolls in, seeking beer, because TA-DA!: Jax and Brittany now live only a few doors down! At least Jax will never have to worry about walking in on Tom and Katie having sex!
Since good things never happen to Tom 1 without prerequisite terribleness, like he had to survive Kristen Doute to get to Ariana, he meets with Ken and Lisa at Tom Tom, and confesses to Tom 2 that he may have sabotaged their business agreement – again – before it even started. Tom is cranky because he wants the bar to be like hanging out in Tom 2’s living room – all comfy lived in sofas, cold rotisserie chicken that’s been in the fridge a couple days, but with expensive drinks. Lisa and Ken actually want it to be successful. Instead of being polite and professional during his meeting with Lisa, Tom behaves like a sulky teenager arguing with his parents, until Lisa gets fed up and yells that she’s not sure she can trust him to be home alone overnight while she attends her mom retreat. (And legit threatens to pull out of their deal).
Suddenly Tom 2 is seized with panic – what if he has to tell Katie that, once again, he doesn’t have a job, and hasn’t achieved anything of professional note? Don’t fear the reaper – which is what Katie says is the point of marriage – fear the Krator.
Here’s the thing – Tom 1 could easily salvage this by arranging a legitimate meeting with Lisa and Ken to explain that, however immature, he was only venting to Ariana because he’s nervous. He’s never done anything of this magnitude, plus $100,00 is a lot of money to him, and he mishandled his excitement and also worries. If Tom doesn’t want to be a bartender forever, stop acting like just a bartender! Also recognize that LVP and Ken have opened 33 restaurants, and they haven’t gotten to the level where $100,000 is essentially $10 by doing dumbass shit like squandering all their money on hair pomades and Jax’s bail. Tom needs to cool his jets, defer to their professional judgement, and see this for what it is: an enormous opportunity for him to turn his melting reality TV career into something bigger. Plus I love the Toms and dearly want a spinoff filled with Tom on Tom-ness, punctuated with some LVP sassiness. And hopefully, finally, some jazzier LVP hair.
Scheana isn’t just having any old party, it’s a masquerade ball to rip the mask off her new relationship with the real love her life: Rob. After a crop top wedding gown and corresponding cropped marriage, Scheana admits what we all knew already: Shay wasn’t the one, she just wanted to get married on TV. Rob is the real love of her life! Scheana reveals us with the scintillating coincidence that Rob was the last person she kissed before meeting Shay, and the first person she kissed after dumping Shay! It’s the Circle of Scheana. Complete with a million tiny photos of the stages and evolution of Scheana’s makeup in between. The best part is, SHE ALSO DUMPED ALL THE TACKY GOODWILL OVERSTUFFED SOFA. The shrine to the wedding Scheana never wanted is also gone. Scheana probably had wallpaper made from her instagram to put up instead. And she turned Shay’s office into her giant closet.
Scheana’s party is guaranteed to be a shitshow. First, in front of Rob, Scheana tells Lisa (dressed as Medusa?) that she never really loved Shay like she loves Rob. LVP is embarrassed for her.
RELATED – Shay Finally Finds Love!
But the real drama is that Tom 1 recently heard from one random that another random named Faith is claiming she slept with Jax. Tom has to ask Jax, and this is where the story becomes truly bizarre because Faith’s story is f–ked up (and not really believable).
Faith decides she has to tell JAMES, of all people, all about her one-night stand with Jax. On national TV especially. Do we really believe Jax went to Faith’s job as a live-in home health aid to a 95-year-old, then had unprotected sex on what? the medical alert portable hospital bed, and accidentally dumped his swimmers inside, then went home and stole a beer from Tom 2‘s fridge? That Faith has never heard of the morning after pill? Nor safe sex. Nor the lore of Jax’s wandering peen, which is a truly scary fate to consider, which is why I do not believe this schadenfreude whatsoever. What sort of charlatanry are they pulling (not out) here?
Yes, James, that was my reaction to this BS famewhoring too!
Maybe Faith is confused – I mean she inherited Jax’s old sofa, with all his bodily fluid stains, so perhaps she really only had a nightmare – like American Horror Story – that she was impregnated with the spawn of Satan while napping. Or perhaps she really WAS impregnated by the sperms left withering underneath the sofa cushions. But what if… since that sofa belonged to both Toms PLUS Jax (and James was also mingling with it for a time) the father could be any of those. Let’s get Maury on this case!
When Tom sits him down, Jax vehemently to denies that he Jax’d Faith. Meanwhile Faith goes fleeing into the night after swearing that Jax is lying. You know, for once I believe him! That’s probably gonna come back to bite me in the butt and give me a Stass infection, isn’t it?
Unfortunately to a drunk Brittany, already insecure about her prince smarming, she believes Jax cheating is HIGHLY likely. She is livid, and swearing to all and kingdom come (but not without a condom) that if Jax did cheat she’ll take the dogs and run home to Kentucky.
As she cries on the floor of Scheana’s masquerade party, where all the masks of her own life have been ripped off, as Kristen chases Jax through the restaurant calling him a bastard, then goes outside to chase Faith down and demand she confront Brittany. Why is Kristen even involved?! Worry about your own damn fiascos!
TELL US – DO YOU THINK JAX CHEATED? DID SCHEANA MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION DUMPING KATIE AND STASSI? DID TOM 1 SCREW UP HIS DEAL WITH LISA?
[Photo Credits; Bravo]