On part 2 of the Vanderpump Rules reunion we learned Stassi Schroeder does indeed have a sex tape, and NO – Jax Taylor (shockingly!) is not the man in possession of it. But he is in possession of a half-Stassi/half-Carmen tattoo (Stassmen?)!
In fact, last night was awash in lost possessions. For instance, Stassi no longer has possession of Katie Maloney. Katie is officially out from under Stassi’s very busy self-pleasuring thumb. Naturally, Stassi doesn’t feel at all responsible since Katie is the one who “changed the rules” of their friendship by partying with the enemy.
Stassi tells Katie over and over again why Stassi is upset about all the things that happened to Stassi which were upsetting and hurtful to Stassi and Stassi’s feelings really matter a lot to Stassi who was really going through a lot of things that were terrible for Stassi. It was all”I! I! I!” at the Stassi Schroeder Whine-a-thon (wine not included)!
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Katie reminds Stassi she texted, called – but Stassi never responded. “Was I supposed to beg you?” an incredulous Katie asks. Furthermore, Stassi never even bothered contacting Katie when she and Tom 2 were going through some important things – like that one time they went to counseling on camera. Or that other time he gave her a ring on a string and totally didn’t get why a ring on a string basically says no strings attached to this ring!
Memo to Stassi: friendship is a two-way street. Unfortunately, or fortunately, Katie is taking a Stassi-less direction. Lisa Vanderpump dubs Katie “Most Improved” person at SUR for her dramatic entrance into maturity. That’s gotta sting for super grown-up Stassi, of the entitlement necklaces and super secret
solo sex tapes boyfriends. Now we’re just waiting for Tom 2 to hitch up his big boy panties and learn to drive – or at least come along for Katie’s grown-up ride. Is he tall enough? Is he man enough? Is he half vagina/half-weasel enough? Don’t worry – Stassi was juuust kidding when she said that!
Katie explains that once Stassi and Patrick moved back to LA, Stassi became a “kept woman” and started ignoring her. Stassi counters back that she heard Katie was talking badly about Patrick. Katie insists she was worried when Stassi disappeared and become a Lifetime Movie statistic (Mama, May I Sleep With Danger?), so she was asking. Stassi’s relationship does seem creepy…
“I didn’t want it to end this way,” Stassi insists to Katie. During the reunion, Stassi believed Katie would finally see the error of her ways. Precisely – the error was being friends with the most “self-absorbed person” ever! “If you need to cut me off because you don’t want to hear my opinions, even though they’re probably right, then that’s what you have to do,” Katie shoots back. And that is that.
Tom 2 announces Jax has the two faces of satan on his shoulder, an homage to the two women who wouldn’t take his shit: Stassi and Carmen – the devils on his shoulder. Stassi is disgusted and calls him a “serial killer.” Jax demands everyone worry about themselves – which is why he’s involving himself in the Toms cheating scandals? Although, James Kennedy is far more obsessed with the Toms cheating!
Katie blames Jax for forcing random girls into Tomgina’s face, making him cheat. Apparently Tom 2, who is 33, no 32, isn’t responsible for his own actions in Mama Katie’s eyes. This is why BoysRUs kid doesn’t want to grow-up! Katie wipes up his messes and blames those bad influences!
Speaking of cheating, Tom 1 vehemently defends himself against Miami Girl. His defense: everyone knows he doesn’t do period sex. Period! So HA! This is the first of Tom’s many TMIs as he confused the reunion with a Planned Parenthood sex-ed seminar, featuring Kristen Doute as the illustration dummy. Tom brags about teaching James everything he knows about pleasing a certain someone. Lisa tried to force Tom to stop, but Andy Cohen, on the edge of his seat, begged for more.
Kristen finally cops to reaching out to Miami Girl, but denies she flew her to SUR. I still don’t understand why this girl thought outing herself as a one-night stand period-sexing hoochie mama would be her ticket to 15 minutes of fame…Farrah Abraham fame? Kristen maintains she was intent on proving she’s not a liar – but she’s still a liar even if she’s not a liar in this instance. These two things are not mutually exclusive – that’s the point she’s missing.
James clamored that he doesn’t care if Tom cheated with Miami Girl, but he knows Tom cheated with Miami Girl because she had details which he can confirm – like the size and shape of Tom’s genitalia. A hermaphroditic organ known as the “Tomgina.”
“So – it looked like a penis?” Katie confirms. Does Katie know what a penis looks like?
Tom insists he ran when Miami Girl came into SUR becasue A) she’s his stalker – his second stalker, the one who is not Kristen but, B) his first stalker was also there, waiting to pounce. “He knew it would dissolve into a big screaming fight with… [<side-eye>Kristen] and he’d end up getting fired,” defends Ariana Madix. And lo and behold that is what happened, except Kristen ended up being fired, while poor Tom defended his virtue endlessly! The shame… The undue shame.
The other question is: what of Jax’s changing stories? He told Kristen “100 percent” Tom had sex with Miami Girl because he was there, yet on the reunion he confessed he was at CVS buying beer when the supposed 3 minute, 2″ sex happened. He left out a crucial detail – that everything he reported as fact was actually what Miami Girl told him happened. Kristen deflates a little and she looks more Kritter-ish than ever.
Jax insists, so long as “no one died, got pregnant, or got divorced” he’s exonerated from his misdeeds. Well, what about the girls he’s killed, knocked-up, or left at the alter, after fleeing and changing his name and skin graft? I kid – Jax has never killed anyone. I hope…
Kristen, in her only moment of clarity, admits she should have quit SUR because working with Tom and Ariana was too much, so she’s relieved she was fired. She’s also relieved to know what the kitchen staff thinks of her! Lisa reiterates it was impossible not to fire Kristen after she told Diana to “suck a d–k.” Hearing Lisa say that was as priceless as the cooks’ guffaws when Kristen got shown the door. Jax comes alive at the word “d–k” and starts pulling his out before Lisa tasers him. That’s enough of that, she snaps!
Stassi defends all the mean comments she’s made throughout the season as jokes, and doesn’t feel bad about mocking Scheana Marie‘s wedding gown (Scheana said yes to half a dress!) because… duh, duh, duh: Scheana helped Stassi’s rancid ex expose her masturbation sex tape! Which Scheana watched, gleefully, laughed about, and was judicious over it potentially destroying Stassi’s life and princess reputation. Or at least that’s how Stassi imagined it. Scheana owns up to watching it, but denies laughing or conspiring with the ex to leak it.
Stassi’s defense is that she was told this about Scheana … from Kristen? Interesting – Kristen’s defense in trying to destroy Tom and Ariana’s relationship was also the vino-vine.
Andy is incredulous that this tape exists and he never knew of it. Lisa was aware, but is adamant everyone tried to keep it quiet and NO ONE – even people who reallyreallyreallyreally hate Stassi wanted it made public. Not even Jax.
I wonder if the ex-boyfriend is Frank, the guy who Stassi temporarily dumped Jax for? The ex showed up at SUR and showed the movie to everyone. Scheana never had a copy, but she did tell Kristen of its existence. Stassi calls it the “worst time in her life” and she’s hurt that no one reached out to her. Yes, none of the people she totally doesn’t care about, who completely suck, and are awful pathetic humans reached out to her – and that hurts. She’s also furious Scheana never told her, but was instead gossiping about it, which Scheana denies adamantly.
Stassi eventually apologizes to Scheana for not asking for her side before deciding to hate her. That is the root cause of many of Stassi’s issues – she jumps to conclusions without ever checking sources.
Finally Tom 2 pulls out a promise ring from the 7-11 vending machine and shoves it on Katie’s finger, requesting an “extension” for her proposal deadline. This ring isn’t attached to a string, but Katie gushes that it comes “with strings.” The strings of false-hope are hard to break. At this rate Katie is gonna be the Corpse Bride, because Tom isn’t proposing until they’re in nursing homes.
Stassi, sulking, dismissively says she can’t wait to leave the reunion. “You think you’re better than every person in this room,” gasps Scheana. Then Lisa loses it – she calls Stassi out for being a disrespectful, ungrateful twat and announces she is not welcome back to SUR. Dang – fired on national TV. Hard as diamonds gangsta, that Lisa, who polishes her diamond on her couture as the Pomeranian security squad, Pomeraninja, escort Stassi off the premises.
TELL US – WILL STASSI AND KATIE EVER MAKE AMENDS? DO YOU BELIEVE SCHEANA IS INNOCENT IN STASSI’S SEX TAPE DRAMA?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]