Let’s be honest – season 5 was essentially the lost season. Nothing much happened because everyone was far more interested in how Teresa’s legal issues were playing out in real time. Also, everyone was just so freaking tired of the deja-view Gorgadice Family Feud, so Bravo was conflicted: They weren’t sure what to do with the show, but they sure as hell didn’t want to miss capturing Teresa’s unfolding legal situation. Conundrum!
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You’ve probably forgotten most of what happened last season, save for the frankly disastrous casting choices which introduced us – unfortunately – to Amber Marchese and Dunkin’ Dipshit twins Teresssssssa Aprea and Nicole Napolitano. Desperate to give Teresa a friend after she alienated everyone else in the Garden State, Dina Manzo reappeared, but she abstained from touching on any personal issues – like her infamous feud with Caroline, which meant Dina also refused to film with Jacqueline Laurita (who was demoted as a result). Man – RHONJ sure does love a SIL at war storyline don’t they? Melissa Gorga and Teresa need a change of pace; swap in Crack’d Jacs and Dina!
A brief recap of the cast of characters: Teressssa is married to Rino, who was both her second and only husband. They divorced, then remarried many years later. What Rino did in between Teressssa phases became a major source of controversy. They also own a successful restaurant.
Nicole, meanwhile, is divorced, living with her parents and dating Bawby the Bawler who likes to hide in bathrooms when going gets Jim’d. These gals loitered at Dunkin’ Donuts, where their cawfee milkshakes brought all the rich boys from the nearby bank, and Bawby, the son of a NJ dealership scion, was snagged. Except Bobby won’t marry Nicole, or even really discuss it. Probably because, as Jim’s BFF, Bobby faked his relationship to get on the show. Oh, he also pretended to be a fire fighter?
Melissa didn’t do much except play the saintly SIL willing to forgive, forget, and forge ahead with Teresa. She moved into a rental, beause she was building her dream house to nowhere, after supposedly selling her Montville mansion for $3.8 million. Poison went into the garbage business as garbage people do. Like attracts like!
All season Teresa was positively sedate. Like not even Adderall mixed with Fabellini could have ruffled her feathers. Maybe she actually was on heavy doses of elephant tranquilizers, I really don’t know, because nothing – nothing! – was getting her worked up! Well almost nothin’…
While Teresa was getting her ‘Just Desserts’ legally, she was also launching Fabulicious Desserts – much to Kathy’s dismay because surprise, surprise Teresa may have filched a few family recipes which Kathy believes are rightfully hers. A cannoli is a cannoli – people -unless of course it belongs to your son-in-law. More on that allegation later!
Dina pretty much did nothing, except hold Teresa’s hand and drag her to lying-for-camera-time psychics. Separated from Tommy, Dina’s true love remained hairless cats and zen-scented candles she bought on Etsy. Oh, and Project Ladybug.
And then there is Ambush, aka Amber. Amber talked a lot about The Cancer, not to be confused with the parasitic Housewife she is married to named Jim. Oh Jim. Jim, well, Jim caused all the controversy.
So what exactly did happen in season 6? Well Jim decided his Housewife tagline should be “Not even Botox could shut this mouth up!”
The drama was supposed to be between Melissa and Amber, who in their 20’s were once party-hardy besties until Melissa up and got Poison’d, then ditched Amber – not even calling while she was battling cancer. Amber reportedly had dirt about Melissa’s past – like was she a stripper? A cheater? – but all that was buried when Bravo decided Shhhh – no upsetting Teresa, she needs calm and quietude in order to heal from her wrongs. All the pre-season hubbub about Amber Vs. Melissa amounted to nothing as soon as a judge handed down a prison sentence to the Livin’ La Vida Broke-en Giudices.
Jim also refused to film with Teresa and Joe because as an attorney-who-wasn’t-really-an-attorney, and the owner of a mortgage company who may or may not have been an expert witness in the state of NJ who possibly maybe, we’re still not sure, submitted testimony about some type of illegal behavior Joe was possibly involved it was a conflict of interest for Jim to be in the same room as Joe. Not that Juicy cared cause, whayddaya gonna do bout it?!
Instead Amber gossiped to her newly reconnected friend Melissa that Nicole’s marriage ended because she cheated, and naturally Melissa haaaad to tell Nicole what people were saying about her. Melissa has ethic’s y’all! This happened while shopping, and Nicole literally FLED THE STORE to storm the gates of Amber’s home to confront her. Unfortunately a troll patrolling the premises named Jim blocked her entrance. This set the stage for ongoing seedy, salacious drama between Amber and The Twins.
Things erupted during a first responders party where NOT ONE of the rescue personnel intervened as Nicole screamed at Amber and grabbed her hair, resulting in a brawl! Then Jim called Poison a “dumbf–k” and told him his brother-in-law Joew was a lying sack of felonious caca who Jim isn’t allowed to socialize with. Quite a shin-dig. At least Dina met a potential suitor – for a hot minute!
Following the party Jim launched a smear campaign by making threats to financial decimate (broke people?) by suing because he fights like a big boy with lawyers, etc., etc. We thought Jacqueline was nuts, well, Jim made her look positively demure! I do agree with him that Teresa doesn’t have an IQ above 12, though!
Jim hatin’ on Tre and Juicy did allow Teresa and Melissa to unify as one fambly – finalamente!
And Amber, who wanted people to keep filming with her, apologized to Teresa, but Melissa was thinking this-here Jim guy Amber married may be a tad scary so she denied having ulterior motives when she repeated Amber’s gossip about Nicole. Sometimes Melissa’s IQ is over 12! Unfortunately Amber and Nicole got into a screaming fight over speaker phone while Nicole, a private jet broker, was at work. PROFESSIONALISM!
However the biggest drama of the season wasn’t caused by any Housewife, but by Victoria Gotti, who, while “supporting” Teresa against judgey people, let it slip that Rino and Teressssa broke up after Rino had an affair with his wife’s mother, Santa! OOPS. Victoria said Rino personally told her the story (Rino will later insist he was joking). MILF gets a new meaning!
Victoria shared this information in the presence of Amber, who ran fast as her heels could carry her to gossip to Jim. Who put that little feather in his cap for later use. Later use came during the cast trip to Boca, planned by old at heart, Dina.
Teresa was so wrapped up in her legal mess, she didn’t even care about arguably one of the greatest pieces of gossip ever, from a bonafide mobster’s daughter. Actually she didn’t believe it was true. Amber, on the other hand, could not stop talking about the information of destruction! Amber kept bugging Teresa to discuss it until Teresa was like listen, bitch, shuddyup! Imma going to prison! Eventually Teresa did confide in Dina, who was all That is SO MUCH BS it’s laughable. So – ready for prison?!
By the time the cast went to Florida all the undetonated drama bombs were ticking, ticking… But first Amber got good news about The Cancer being in remission after 5-years. Meanwhile, Dina was the bearer of bad news and decided Teressssa had a right to know what people – people like Amber – were saying about her marriage. When Amber arrived in Florida, excited to celebrate, Dina reveals that Teressssa knows about the Victoria rumor, but doesn’t want it discussed. Amber agrees they’re all there to have fun. After all, she’s known a month and it hasn’t been spread yet!
Apparently having fun to Amber looks lot like a hurricane to others. Especially Jim.
Everything is going wonderfully until Nicole brings up the subject of marriage to Bawby, who runs and hides in the bathroom. Nicole doesn’t understand – but Jim does!
Apparently Bawby decided the twins’ fambly is too trashy for him. Jim knows this because Bobby told him alllll their secrets. Like the one about Rino and Santa. Nicole and Teressssa are shocked and react by double-teaming Jim, who then informs Nicole that Bawby is actually a baby with commitment problems and a mistress. What’s Italian for “Oy Gevault”? The twins are livid. Amber is mortified. Dina is disgusted. Bobby stays in the bathroom.
That’s when Melissa decided enough was enough. She’s used to dealing with immature men and rabid gossips with tempers. She yanked Bobby out of the bathroom to demand he defend his lady, then pulled Amber aside to point out how f–ed up Jim’s behavior is. GO MELIS!
Too bad a drunk Amber was turned on by Jim’ puerile tantrum, and after she spent hours sobbing into her cocktail, she’s suddenly nuzzling into Jim’s… well, you know.
The next morning Jim and Amber play like Teresa that “everything’s FIIIIINE” Dina does not agree. She ejects Jim and Amber from the trip because absolutely NO ONE is comfortable around them after last night’s mess. Amber and Jim decided Dina was trying to set them up by telling Teressssa and decide she’s a cold-hearted bitch on a mission to destroy them out of jealousy. Dina responds with ooooommmmmmmm I can’t hear your negativityyyyyyyyy
Back in Jersey, Teresa, playing contrite and making ‘positive changes’ (like pretending to ‘downsize’), skipped the trip, and instead had a romantical date with Juicy to savor those precious few remaining moments of freedom. Then Jacqueline appeared to comment on Teresa’s sentencing and feign ‘concern’ by reaching out. Teresa was not impressed.
By the time everyone returns to Jersey Teressssa and Nicole have decided Teresa is to blame for failing to warn them about Victoria’s gossip, and for engaging in the conversation in the first place. Teresa is like DUH – I never take responsibility for anything. I lied in my financial disclosures in my sentencing hearing, youse think Imma gonna admit to this?! And piss off Victoria?! Nose way. Melissa and Dina suggest that Teresa maybe tawk to Teressssa, acknowledging the rumor was hurtful, but Teresa refuses.
Seeking revenge, Nicole reaches out to Jacqueline and Kathy to enquire about the horrors of Teresa and is given an ear-full.
Dina decides the perfect way to distract everyone from the negativity is to make them focus on bigger issues – like children with cancer! She hosted a Project Ladybug fashion show and issued a NO. DRAMA. rule. Still, Dina is well-aware of how Housewives works, so she’s not surprised when Teresssssa confronts Teresa. Teresa is still baffled and calmly, and wonders why AMBER isn’t being blamed for her part, and reminds Teressssa and Nicole that Rino supposedly told Victoria the story – and Rino is Victoria’s friend (as is Teresa). Finally the Troublemint Twins let the whole thing drop squawking that they never want to hear about it again, and everyone prances down the runway for the children.
In the middle of filming Teresa and Joe were sentenced to prison after pleading guilty – accidentally, it seems since neither of them understood the meaning of the phrase “Guilty Plea”. All during filming Teresa was a bundle of un-Teresa like nerves that meant I have to put on the Halo I bought at Christmas Tree shop and studded with diamonds I purchased with stolen money. I also have some angel wings that I got in the Neimans Halloween department cause duh – like who doesn’t wear costumes that cost $22,000 especially when you’re broke. Go big and go to the big house, right?! Is that right??!
At the reunion Dina finally addressed her family feud by primly declaring that reality TV and family don’t mix – looking pointedly at a defensive Melissa. She also implied Jacqueline was “toxic.“As if to prove a point, Kathy and Rosie appear, and Teresa is livid that they discussed her legal situation on camera, but never reached out to her.
In part two the focus is on the Troublement Twins and their bizarro-world love lives. Amber and Jim have “proof” that Bobby is a liar, and the twins are frauds, and Jim stands by all his insane statements. Melissa remains mute.
In part 3 Andy finally questions Teresa about her impending prison sentence, and she says she’s done with RHONJ. Yet here were are at season 7 and Teresa is back!
RHONJ premieres this Sunday. Jacqueline, Melissa, and Teresa are back. Dina quit. Amber was fired, but claimed she refused to participate if Teresa returned, and the twins were obviously fired.
TELL US – WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT FROM SEASON 6? SHOULD AMBER OR EITHER OF THE TWINS BE ASKED BACK?
[Photo Credits: Bravo & Main Photo: Alex Martinez/Bravo]