High school… these problems matter! These people are in high school like the original cast of 90210 were. Meaning the “kids” on Vanderpump Rules are 30 going on 13, and it’s ridiculous.
Last night, Katie Maloney, Bridezilla of West Hollywood (she may actually just be straight up Godzilla at this point because she does seem to think she’s God), demanded Scheana Marie never, ever have an opinion contrary to Katie’s, like, ever again, and if Scheana does like ever, ever, ever deign to think for herself, she will be dumped like room temperature white wine.
Katie is the one who needs to be bumped – by Tom 2 and everyone else. She and Stassi Schroeder deserve each other.
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I just can’t even look at or deal with Katie anymore. She should focus on her own life and why her fiancé is basically afraid to marry her, but even more afraid to call it off. Tom 2 is actually in therapy because he’s so stressed by her immature behavior, especially constantly starting fights with others – including him – over nothing, yet accusing the other person of not having her back. Tom is actually afraid to tell Katie he’s seeking therapy because she’ll make his issues all about how he’s not allowed to have issues with her.
How ironic that as Tom 2 is preparing to have an adult conversation so they can go into their marriage with stability, Katie is sitting at home wearing a training bra over her undershirt and coloring with her doggies, while drinking some juice. Tom only has to open his mouth – literally – before Katie spazzes that he doesn’t support her. Then she goes and yells at Scheana for not being able to handle “critical conversations.” Katie is the worst person on this show. Congrats,http://www.realitytea.com/tag/kristen-doute/ Kristen Doute – you’ve been bested.
Since this is high school: Tom 2 is to Scheana what Katie is to Tom 2. (Choose the best answer): A) A soulmate whose soul you value as good and lovely. B) A wretched entanglement like tacky lace. C) An obligation beholden to you by your TV contract. D) Bad News Blobby The Bear. E) Someone as scary to have and hold as they are to release since their rage is more potent than the worm in a tequila bottle.
While Tom 2 is contemplating the witness protection program, Scheana goes to work, where Lala Kent coincidentally also works. Scheana and Brittany Cartwright are rolling silverware when Lala wanders over to ask about the schedule and then wonders how their weekends went. Brittany freezes. Like doesn’t move a muscle. But Scheana, who has already been subjected to the SURvian Inquisition via Katie (trapped in that awful interrogation bed strangled by Christmas lights), realizes she better not be caught fraternizing with the enemy or it’s back to Villa Blanca for her! Did you guys know Katie runs SUR? Let’s see what Ken Todd thinks about that…
Since Scheana is afraid of Katie, and the power Katie wields over her future as a bridesmaid and ultimate insider of The Clique, she tartly tells Lala she’ll be polite to her at work, but because Katie is one of her best friends, she can’t talk to her. Lala all but bursts out laughing. Agreed.
Is it Scheana’s colored contacts clouding her judgment and impairing her vision?
While this is happening, Katie is domineering over lunch with Stassi and Kristen. It’s a farewell affair for Kristen’s former teeth. She’s getting veneers so other men will still find her attractive. Isn’t Kristen in a committed relationship with a 60/40 bar tab? Isn’t she happy with this Carter? Maybe she wants to scrape the residue of Jax and Brittany from her old teeth and revirginize her mouth? But why, if you’re so happy with your man, are you trying to look hot for other men? Well, it’s Kristen, so I’ll leave it at that. The hot topic of discussion over wine is how they can continue to be friends with Scheana after she spoke to Lala, the affair-having trollop.
Mid lunch, Scheana texts Kristen to gloat that she did it. She finally told Lala to F-off and it was all for Katie and the good of the group. Katie and Stassi clap. They literally start CLAPPING. Followed by Stassi ranting that Scheana should have shown her loyalty to Katie months ago by locking Lala in the freezer of SUR after dousing her in Pumptinini. Stassi the Sycophant is just a bore.
James Kennedy is having girl problems. Since everyone in L.A. is obviously copying Yolanda Hadid‘s daughter and renaming themselves Gigi, there is a GG at SUR. And coincidentally James is accused of cheating on his new girlfriend Raquel, a pageant girl from Sonoma, with a GG from SUR. GG’s confession scene was about as authentic as Stassi’s nose.
First of all, I so do not understand James’ living situation. He lives in a cot in the corner of a one-bedroom apartment? Second of all I so do not understand Jax Taylor‘s living situation. So he lives with a fish tank and pays all Brittany‘s bills which requires sandwiches? Doesn’t she have a job too? And why do they have fish? Jax can’t even handle buttoning his shirt all the way, and he thinks caring for animals means trying to relate by behaving like a pig.
Jax and Brittany are chatting bar-side at SUR when this unknown GG appears to “candidly” reveal that she slept with James many moons ago, and he demanded she not tell anyone cause he’s now with Raquel. Initially, GG was embarrassed by her hookup so she kept it quiet, but not quiet enough to stop James from calling her a whore. Now she’s on a warpath – so contrived.
Later, Lala sidles over to James’ DJ booth to warn him that GG is telling tales about his wandering peen, when Jax interjects to scream at James for cheating. HAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHAHAHA. James, unable to contain himself, stomps over to the bar to scream at Jax for being an over-the-hill bartender who needs to keep both his old nose and his new nose to his elderly self. At some point James started shrieking “Pumptini” and I started laughing imagining that Jax was standing in an endless bar, staring at the bottles, waiting for The Great Pumptini to appear until he passed out and Brittany had to drag his ass home, trailing the scent of other women behind him, ala a very debauched version of The Great Pumpkin. My mind does strange things on SUR.
Of course, James is already on very thin ice. Diana, everyone’s favorite manager, has already warned Lisa Vanderpump that James is a toxic harridan only seen before in the likes of Kristen’s former reign of terror. Diana does not like James and wants his drunk-ass fired.
Lisa has given James about 4500 one-more chances, but James is the type of man who will cut off all the noses in West Hollywood, like his name is Paul Nassif, just to spite the pretty girls’ faces. James parades around bragging that HE is an exalted DJ while everyone else is just a plebeian bartender. Eventually, he stomps up to GG at the hostess stand to complain that she’s “rude and inappropriate” and to ask why he would test drive a Honda Civic when he’s already revving the engine of a Lamborghini. I’m pretty convinced it is James who is the Honda Civic, and it is other people at SUR test driving just to watch it crash and burn.
Diana appears as James and GG are screaming at each other. She orders James back to the DJ booth, then tattles to Lisa. Lisa has had it – you can tell because later she calls in the big dogs. That would be Ken. Ken of the speak harshly but carry a little dog. Looks can be deceiving. Ken is all bite and little bark, and after James basically told Lisa to shut it cause she ain’t nobody, Ken appeared to rip James a new one like Giggy trying to bite off his velvet pantaloons. James was reduced to tears on the sidewalk of SUR, actually begging Ken to spare him as he confessed to being afraid of him. GO KEN GO! GO KEN GO! GO KEN! GO KEN! GO KEN!
After James is ejected, Lisa comes back inside to lecture Tom 1 for pouring James a shot of whiskey while trying to give him some friendly advice about pulling it together. Tom 1 found himself in Scheana’s shoes – being yelled at for a pleasantry taken out of context.
So let’s get back to Scheana, shall we?
After informing Lala that they could never, ever be friends, Scheana explains to Lisa that Katie won’t permit her to speak to Lala. Lisa administers a side eye, but she is distracted by lecturing Jax on the f-ked-upness of his mere existence.
Kristen has survived her harrowing veneer surgery and is back at home nursing her wounds with the salve of cheap champagne and the soothing tones of Katie and Stassi’s complaints, the butter to the over-dried toast that is her soul. Katie’s hair looks like a bad spring break experience at the cornrow shack. And don’t get me started on the floral mumu she stole from Bob Ross’s art studio. I think at some point Stassi was wearing a noose around her neck? An homage to Marie Antoinette losing her head to the guillotine of hubris?
While these bitches are hitting the bubbly, Scheana arrives thinking it will be “four best friends,” but they have something else up Katie’s prodigious blouson sleeves. Instead, The Three Bitchcateers rip into Scheana because they don’t believe she was callous enough to Lala and actually dismissed her rudely. They question Scheana’s loyalties and accuse her of lying. Like what if she starts hanging out with Ariana Madix and going to lunches with Lala at the Fat Shack. Which, what is that place – like body shaming through sandwich consumption?
Scheana primly sets down her water with ice, eyeing them all warily, and mumbles, “I didn’t know I was coming over here to get attacked.” You reap what you sow! When you send Ariana up shit creek without a paddle, you get Tequila Katie in return. Katie and Stassi are disgusted that Scheana cannot handle a “critical” conversation about all the ways she is a wretched friend and person, and if she cannot take their kindly advice, she can just resign herself to being part of “the four best friends that never were.” Do these people hear themselves?
SHUT UP.
Poor Tom 2 is distraught that he is marrying both Regular old witchy Katie and her evil twin Tequila Katie. Feeling low about how he’s let life and love eclipse him for a TV wedding, he visits Tom 1 at work with a proposition: he’s gonna ask Ariana to be a groomsmen. Tom 2 knows a thing about fairness and friendship. Which is why the Toms are the only delightful thing left on this show.
Tom 2 has brought the customary groomsman gift: ass steaks and shrimp, which he presents it to Ariana along with his request that she join his branch of the wedding party, known as the Real McMans. Ariana gladly accepts and nibbles a bit of steak to show solidarity. Katie will undoubtedly savage Tom over this betrayal, but he will fight fire with fire by farting in the wind of Katie’s despotism. It is one small shower shoe step towards independence for Tom 2.
Sadly, poor James fares quite worse. The next day, Lisa has him over to Villa Rosa, where she fires him and orders him to sober up. The last straw was James becoming like Stassi by thinking he didn’t need Lisa, then brushing her aside. Oh, no, no… When Lisa puts you in the corner, you stay there spinning your little records til she sets you free.
When will these people learn – it’s VANDERPUMP’s Rules only. (Unless there’s a Todd on the premises).
TELL US – WHICH IS THE CORRECT ANSWER: A, B, C, D, OR E?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
