You guys, it’s Katie Maloney‘s life, she can ruin it if she wants to, but everyone else better cheer, clap, and act happy! Frankly I’m confused about what’s even going on with Vanderpump Rules. It is all over the place – like we went from church to Jax Taylor and Tom Sandoval trying on Lisa Vanderpump‘s bras to dress in drag for Tom Schwartz‘s bachelor party. Read that sentence back to yourself and tell me this show isn’t perplexing?
Last episode ended with SUR’s Aging Warriors stalking and harassing James Kennedy. This episode opens with everyone acting like it was so stupid that anyone would even bother stalking and harassing James Kennedy. Like, DUH! Obviously!
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Now, James, who was trying to move on with his life, is left trying to convince Raquel that he didn’t cheat, which is obviously a lie, one which she thankfully isn’t sure she believes. This slippery slope leads Raquel to chardonnay, but James remains strong – for now – with lemon zinger and the consoling presence of Tom 1 – who is like, ‘Dude, don’t blame whiskey for your wandering peen.’
So, Katie is no mere mortal; she’s a human rage monster who engulfs all happiness that crosses her path, then roars that she is too nice of a person. K-Hulk needs to simmer down before her wedding dress bursts into flames. What I’m saying is, beware the ever-shifting ire of Katie.
Even Kristen Doute isn’t immune! She visits Tom and Katie, where they’re collecting wedding RSVP’s that have penises drawn on them. Tom is trying to decipher which dick-pic best represents which friend group. Katie spent $42,000 on invites and all they got was a tea towel, but no place for prospective guests to write their actual NAMES on the RSVP card. This is Scheana Marie‘s fault, apparently.
Over at SUR, Ariana tattles to Lisa about Scheana and Jax tormenting James. Lisa is like, ‘Oh well, hmm, will it raise ratings on this shit show? Then by all means… just don’t do it at SUR… until I rehire James for the 400th time!'”
Katie is also annoyed that Scheana crashed James‘ gig because she doesn’t see the point. This coming from the woman who threatened to shove Scheana in the oven at SUR for even having casual co-worker niceties with Lala Kent. Katie has also directed her wrath to Ariana Madix because Scheana has ‘changed’ since becoming re-friends with Ariana, which means Scheana has turned disloyal to The Muva.
Yes, Ariana is now persona non grata because she won’t kiss the feet of Stassi Schroder, Katie’s chosen one. Does anyone else find it insanely odd that Katie is marrying Tom 2, yet she is so overly concerned and obsessed about what Stassi thinks? After Katie warns Tom 2 that Ariana better get in line, Tom 2 in turn warns Tom 1.
In other news, Tom 1 has ditched the whole music thing and is now focused on modeling again. Under the tutelage of JOE SIMPSON (as in boob-obsessed father of Jessica), who is wearing harem sweatpants cropped at the ankle like he’s Justin Bieber from 2015. Papa Joe dresses Tom up in a smokey eye and druid robes, then has him prance and spin around to a wind machine. Joe is no Tyra. There was no smize.
Even Tom 2, watching from the sidelines as ‘support,’ was embarrassed, but Tom 1 was proud to bare his vapidly shrouded soul to the lens of supremely F-list fame. Ariana sneers that she hates models. So Tom abandons that to shoot a scene for a short film Peter is producing. I cannot say anything bad about this because I was distracted by Peter looking hot in a tank top. James – please take note, this is how a tank top is supposed to look on a man. Also, did you notice, Peter, who has a real job, has a nice apartment to go with it?
While Tom is at Peter’s role playing – badly – Tom warns Ariana that she better make nice with Stassi by apologizing. But Ariana will not be lowering her standards for any wedding party. For that I salute her. She is the captain, I mean commander, of her own life!
In the TomKatastrophe Wedding, Ariana is separate but equal, expected to be all things to all parties, while being afforded few rights. In planning the Bachelor/Bachelorette weekend in New Orleans she finds herself at a cross-roads. Ariana can’t dress in drag with the groomsman because she’s already a girl; she’s expected to get along with the bridal party who’ve made it clear they do not want her included, even though she’s not included in planning any of the events. Ariana is pretty much the Pump Rules eunuch at this point – the androgynous filibuster wearing lumberjack plaid with mini skirts.
But can we talk about this bizarre idea of Tom 2‘s to have everyone dress in drag to see what it’s like to be a woman? Huh? He does realize gay marriage is legal, so if he’s trying to get out of marrying Katie, maybe he should just plead insanity? Oh wait… he is pleading insanity by actually marrying Katie! In fact, Tom is even wearing his wedding band before they’ve had the wedding. Like he has to ease himself into this Mrs. Katie Maloney thing like he’s taking a dip in a chilly ocean. Filled with sharks. And barracudas. And homo-erotic piranhas. And Stassi.
Poor Stassi. She’s having a nervous breakdown over her breakup with Patrick and her only grip on reality comes from her 10-year-old brother. Stassi’s mom just had a hysterectomy – literally – yet Stassi is sobbing in the kitchen because Patrick doesn’t want to be in all her Instagram photos or hang out with her immature friends. Katie is also there for moral support.
Maybe Stassi should go to church with Brittany and Jax?! Yep, that happened. Brittany wore a dress so short the pastor probably got a look at the godly goods, but it doesn’t matter because Brittany was beaming with the joy of Jesus while Jax wondered where Jesus got his dress and if it came in his size for Tom 2′s bachelor party, then probably fantasized what the Virgin Mary looked like under all those robes.
Katie is having the wedding that never ends, and despite the fact that no one seems think she and Tom 2 will last, it still requires non-stop celebration. Pandora is even getting into it by throwing Katie a pre-wedding spa day. No, Pandora is NOT in Katie’s wedding, but Pandora did want to rub it into all of their faces that she has a fabulous new home, a thriving career, and a cute husband. And also hats. The Vanderpump ladies love hats!
Ariana is at Pandora‘s, but no one, except Scheana, wants her. Well, and Pandora. Actually Pandora didn’t want Kristen or Stassi there, but Katie insisted.
After the girls ooh and ahh over Pandora’s house, she separates them into groups of people who hate each other most to get messages or manicures. In the nail station, Scheana brokers a successful peace treaty between Ariana and Stassi. Something Katie previously tried to demand with her Putin-style diplomacy tactics.
Stassi whines that Ariana hurt her feelings, and Ariana admits she really doesn’t feel sorry since it all started with Stassi yelling at her about Lala at Katie’s bridal party. Happily they eventually agree that it’s pointless to argue over this and they’d rather have fun together. YES, for one brief moment, Stassi was a human being – she looked so fresh and happy as this glow of personhood emanated from within. It was like, who is this woman? Did she really just want to be accepted by Ariana all along?! This will not sit well with Kaiser Katie!
Sure enough, when the two groups converged for lunch, Kaiser Katie had to go and ruin everything. Katie is furious because Ariana didn’t specifically apologize to Stassi, because when someone’s feelings are hurt, the offending party should apologize. Should they, Katie? Oh, really? Interesting divergence there! Scheana insists everything is fine – Ariana and Stassi even hugged it out! – but that’s still not enough for Katie.
As Ariana tunes Kaiser Katie out and eats her pasta, Katie whines about negative people tainting HER day, which is Scheana’s fault! SERIOUSLY! SHE BLAMES SCHEANA. I mean, I can’t believe I’m about to defend Scheana, but… Scheana sniffles that she loves Katie, but she doesn’t know how to give Katie the love she needs, and when Katie drinks, she turns from Katie to Stassi in one sip of tequila or less. Poor Scheana is always the unwitting victim of Katie’s mean drunk texts. Which hurts Scheana’s feelings.
Kaiser Katie obviously doesn’t care, though, because Scheana forced Katie to be mean because Scheana is “fake.” Katie announces that she’s actually “too nice of a person,” but Scheana has pushed her to the brink and therefore deserves the wrath. Kristen nods heartily in agreement as Scheana bursts into tears and flees the table. Pandora just looked at them all witheringly, then politely excused herself to go console Scheana, with Ariana quickly following. At the table, Katie sulks that Scheana and Ariana are “casting a shadow” over the happiest time in her life. Uh-huh.
Finally, Scheana announces that although she loves Katie, she doesn’t want to “ruin” any more of her wedding events, so she’s leaving the luncheon. Katie is like, ‘Too late bitch – we’re already dealing with cold pasta!’ Instead, they talk and kind of work things out, which basically equates to Scheana groveling and promising to “do better” so Katie won’t kick her out of the wedding.
Afterwards, Ariana escorts Tom 1 and Jax to LVP’s to play dress-up. Um, just, no. Jax tries to run off with a GiVE-EN-CHEESE purse and regift it to Brittany. The designer has GIVE in the name – it’s meant to be shared!
Then Katie meets Tom 2 for dinner and is in irrational hate mode from the start. Katie yells at Tom for having Ariana be a grooms person. After all, there was a reason Katie didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid and it’s because Ariana is a snobby bitch whom no one likes, plus she ruined Katie’s bridal shower. Which was HER DAY. Exactly how many “days” does Katie think she deserves? Cause by my tally it’s 0.
Tom just wants to eat his salt and vinegar fries in peace. Without tequila or its evil twin Katie.
To Katie’s latest rage-spew, he tries to be reasonable – his first mistake – by pointing out that Katie and Ko. have a tendency to leave out the parts of the stories that include their instigating, yelling, attempted gas lighting, tantrums, mean girling, and histrionics. Tom 2 explains that Ariana can do emotional adulting – unlike Tequila Katie – and be civil at the bachelor/bachelorette party. Naturally, Katie becomes enraged because Tom doesn’t have her back “as usual” even though she’s working herself “to the bone” to plan this wedding all by herself!
To borrow a line from Peter’s short film, Tom should say nothing to Katie except “Yes, commandant.” Because to live with Katie is to understand that having her back means having no backbone of your own. When Tom 2 patronizes Katie’s latest tantrum, she accuses him of wanting to marry Ariana (I mean, he does love Tom 1 too, so I could see some reverse polygamy working out.), then storms out. Uber take me away!
Tom 2 is left wondering just how he can escape the salt and vinegar rubbed into the open wound he’s made of his life. Twisting the wedding band he practice wore, he considers what it symbolizes: A life shackled to Katie’s dogma and delusions and drunken rages. What he wouldn’t give to be connected only by a ring on a string.
Really Tom? Really? You went through with this? Dang.
TELL US – WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH KATIE? ARE SCHEANA AND ARIANA TOO NEGATIVE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]