It was a big night of commitment for our Schwartzy, the little commitment-phobe that couldn’t. In front of some of his family, and all of his friends, he said “I Do” to Katie Maloney, thus establishing himself Mr. Three-Headed-She Beast. Stassi Schroeder cried tears of pure vodka-poisoned joy that her two best friends were officially, legally soulmates, and then she made Katie swear on her eyeshadow collection that Stassi would always be a part of them. Like a stye?
It was actually a sweet ceremony. Courtesy of Tom, who drank the tequila-aid and suddenly found himself overjoyed to be standing at an altar next to Katie’s drapes of a wedding gown. Oof – that dress: a pair of nude pantyhose someone bedazzled; full body spanks that got Pinterested and sold on Etsy. It isn’t easy being country-cutsey-woodsy-glammy-chic on a budget!
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR MORE!
For their wedding vows, Tom 2 recited his version of a Dr. Seuss poem and promised to love Katie, tequila texting and all, for as long as she allows him to live. For her vows, Katie told Tom 2 that she couldn’t find the right greeting card for this moment and spent all her money and time on flowers to decorate the woods, but she knew from the very moment Tom 2 treated her family like they were Tom 1, that he was her one. So Lisa pronounced them man and wife, and it was a done deal!
Did Katie get a marriage license on a string?
The wedding was fine and all but last night was actually brought to us by Tom 1‘s tears. SHOCKER! He was crying left and right like a baby who needs a nap. He cried during the ceremony (and wiped his tears away on a furry white dog). He cried when Lisa propositioned him. And he really cried during a heartfelt moment with Ariana Madix about possibly, maybe, perhaps tying the knot themselves. Ariana could be on board. But first she has to acknowledge that Tom 1 is her one. Which could take him well into the Botox years…
As everyone wedding’d on to the band in yacht gear, gathering around the buffet, and listening to a lot of rambling speeches about the wonders of Tom 2 with a mention or two of Katie, (Where was Lala to yell “Wrap it up!”), Lisa asks if Tom 1 would like to be a junior partner in the new restaurant she and Ken are creating. Tom bursts into tears of joy. When he tells Ariana, she cries tears of relief that Lisa has spared her from wasting her life on a bartender. Now Tom’ a restaurateur!
The good news doesn’t stop there. Lisa also wants Tom 2 to come on board as the ‘front man’ – the face of the establishment , and since two Toms are better than one, they plan to christen the new venue Tom-Tom. A tale of two Toms…
Stassi may believe that Katie and Tom are the glue who holds the group together, but as usual she is wrong. Well, she’s not wrong that interacting with her kills more brain cells than sniffing glue, but the true glue that is the U in SUR is Tom and Tom. And now, courtesy of Lisa, they will be cemented together forever, unified not just in love but in businesses as junior partner/mascots.
With all this growing up happening, Tom 2 has a commitmentphobia flare-up and breaks into hives caused by responsibility. But realizing he owes $10,000 in flower garlands to make Katie’s dreams come true, he has to at least consider Lisa’s proposal, even if he’s sure it will fail, because OMG – anxiety. Lisa leaves Tom and Tom to consider her offer, and strolls off into the night, her hair held high and her Pomeranian held higher. And before Tom 2 scampers off to take an oatmeal bath, Tom 1 gives him 3 month to pull his head out of Katie’s purse and give himself to Tom-Tom.
Kristen Doute wandered around trying on random women’s wedding rings before dropping ‘hints’ to Carter that she needs one of her own. And not the fake one she wears to entice fetishists who want to do it with married women. And poor Scheana Marie – whereforeart her Shay? He’s nowhere to be seen. She’s looked under the potted plant. Under the buffet table, behind the saxophonists, inside the empty tequila bottle… but look high or look low, Shay doesn’t show.
Tom 1, feeling like the metrosexual-man-child, so hear him roar, is so overcome with adulting over Lisa’s offer that he bravely asks Ariana if she would consider, possibly one day maybe, marrying him. And having a little Tom. That way he could add to the family legacy by renaming his bar Tom-Tom-Tom. Well maybe it was the empowerment found in her tuxedo? Maybe it was the wine? But suddenly Ariana is willing to consider not turning Tom down should he ever propose.
Ariana was really feeling the love last night! So much so that she had a little bonding moment with Stassi. It turns out they’re both blonde girls who sometimes dream of murdering people. And not in the like hit-and-run way, but in the like Dexter, make it count and feel the pain way. Perhaps, someday Ariana may let Stassi make an appearance in her Snapchat. And that’s about as much love and commitment as Stassi got last night because even Peter Madrigal ran scared when she jokingly made a reference to them being together. Well, at least Stassi will always have Katie. That’s a consolation, I guess…
Even Jax Taylor got into the ‘forever’ feeling twinkling round the air like Christmas lights. He promised Brittany Cartwright, that someday she’d get to serve him turkey sandwiches in bed forever. Gee … what a lucky girl.
After the table cloths were whisked away, and Tom 1 frightened the band away with his tiny trumpet, all that remained were the everlasting friends. Katie held Stassi and rocked her, promising that someday her Mr. Right may appear. Like possibly. And Tom and Tom and Jax reminisced about all the memories they had made together and all the semen and other fluids that had been shared. All as it should be… until three months later on the day when Shay didn’t come home.
For six long days and six long nights, Scheana waited for him. Waited by the door wasting away. Until she gave up on life and just decided to wear his sweatshirt as a dress with some knee boots and go seek assistance from Lisa. I think Scheana spent the six days Shay was missing practicing her pretty cry face in the mirror.
Then Shay removed $7,000 out of their bank account, and disappeared. Scheana is so confused because last week they were planning to freeze her eggs and have another wedding photo enlarged and them made into a giant throw to decorate their goodwill sofas! But then Shay left. He left their love and Scheana learned from a friend that he’s been using Adderall. A friend, eh… A friend who knows?
Lisa subtly mentions that Scheana’s entire relationship with Shay has been a lie. Oh, Poor Scheana all summer she’s been living a lie that she and Shy are happy. And she actually thought anyone believed her!? Lisa says it’s because Scheana never wants to see the bad in a situation – like how the man is actually married. Or doesn’t want to be married to her. Or maybe Scheana only dreamed of a TV wedding and shouldn’t be surprised that, like her wedding dress, her marriage had a missing piece.
So, even though Scheana loves Shay more than unicorns love rainbows, and Lisa Frank trapper-keepers from 1992 love puffy stickers and glitter and erasers shaped like pastel penguins, she cannot live with his lies any longer! Scheana’s plan is to confront Shay that evening and ask him if he’s using drugs, and if he lies to her face by answering no the marriage is over. Lisa supports Scheana’s self-empowerment plan.
RELATED – Who’s Wearing, What, When, and Why?
Obviously when confronted, Shay denies using. He’s just staying up all night being passionate about
staying away from Scheana his music. Shay sobs as Scheana tells him it’s over. How will he pay for his studio equipment now?! Scheana has decided, and already scheduled a meeting with a lawyer. Then she sends Shay to his room to pack up his pretty, purple suitcase, and roll it right out their door. I just want to know what she did with the 32,000 wedding photos she had on every available surface. Poor Scheana – she thought she’d have Shay to order around forever, but nobody puts Shady in a corner!
TELL US – SHOULD TOM 2 ACCEPT LISA’S PROPOSAL? SHOULD SCHEANA HAVE DEMANDED MORE FROM SHAY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]