Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Tom

Here a cheat, there a cheat, everywhere a cheat cheat! On Vanderpump Rules there is no other way. Seriously what is in the Vanderpump Vodka at SUR that makes all the men (except for Ken) cheat? Lisa Vanderpump needs to do a seminar on how to keep your man muzzled and on a tight leash!

Brittany Cartwright hasn’t even forgiven Jax Taylor for his indiscretions (or the many times of them) before it came out that Tom Schwartz had a drunken make-out he does not recall.

But first the ladies are still camped out at Brittany’s to try and protect her from Jax. After a suuuuper drunken night of twerking – which apparently wards off evil boyfriends – Scheana Marie wakes up on the sofa in some enormous turquoise glasses and announces she’ll be boarding a private jet for Vegas with Lala Kent in 0-700 hours, and therefore all this drama has to hurry it up! At the words private jet, Stassi Schroeder wanders into the room – drinking a hair of the dog – just in time to hear Katie Maloney get all Hangry Katie on what a skank Lala is for breaking up a marriage

Katie has scruples and morals you guys! She would never get on a private jet paid for by someone’s married boyfriend – even if he is separated, he only is because of Lala. Scheana obviously has no such moral quandaries. Cause Scheana conscience…and this conscience is called foreshadowing. Maybe Scheana jinxed Katie by being in her wedding?

It was the smell of Taco Bell that beckoned Jax. Suddenly he felt a yearning like never before and returned, groping blindly for his faded Taco Bell sweater-jacket when he fell into a pile of off-duty witches. Yep, there they were: stuffing their faces with hatred for Jax, and ready to throw him into a vat of the Taco Bell Fire Sauce to skin him alive. Y’all know Stassi has like a secret pig roast in her apartment for such occasions.

Jax is furious to see all the women. He shrieks that it’s HIS apartment and he has the right to be there. Brittany flies off the sofa and starts smacking him in the head while pushing him out the door. Which is about the only thing to do with a pest. She really needed a dick swatter, actually.

In the background Brittany’s cheerleading squad cheers her on. TWO-FOUR-SIX-HATE – Who do we majorly hate?! JAX! JAX TAYLOR. Beat, Beat Jax Taylor! Unfortunately Jax doesn’t really leave, but goes off to sulk and complain that Brittany is being influenced while continuing to lie that he only cheated with Faith once. The way Jax speaks to Britany is revolting and gross. UGH Brittany – why is she still with him?

While Jax is being pelted by enraged, hopefully soon-to-be-ex-girlfriends, Tom 1 and Tom 2 are trying really super hard to adult. They have a meeting with Lisa and Ken to discuss the future of the Tom-Tom partnership. Obviously Tom Tom will live forever, but will they take it next level and cement their relationship into a business? To summon their courage they listened to Eminem “Lose Yourself” on repeat – which of course is their anthem. I mean, I would’ve expected Boys Of Summer to be their theme song, so I guess I’m pleasantly surprised. I am not pleasantly surprised by Tom 2’s rust-colored ‘cowboy’ shirt in all it’s rumpled glory.

Before her Taco Bell haze set in, Katie gushed about how hot handsome and super manly Tom 2 looked in that shirt. Tom 2 is 12 lbs of pasty marshmallow fluff and obviously that’s not what defines manly, nor does crying about your lack of ambition before the dumpster of a bar while your BFF shows his solidarity by letting his self-tanner streak on national television. Ah, SUR-landia!Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Tom

Anyway, Tom 1 and Tom 2 give themselves a prep talk in Lisa’s driveway while wait on the porch, complaining that the Tom’s negativity questions if they’re sincere. They don’t want partners, they want sycophants! Nothing about this whole situation really feels believable to me, but anyway after making the Tom’s squirm, Lisa and Ken agree to let them invest $50k for 5% partnership each and work their way up to 10% with sweat equity and additional monies later on. How much does this show pay these people? Cause I would think they could scrape together $120k, but I guess that doesn’t make for a very dramatic storyline.

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Tom

After the meeting the Toms dance and sing about private sexy moments, which inspires Tom 1 tries to ask Ariana Madix to drop everything for some mid-afternoon nookie. But she’s just too busy meeting Scheana. It does take forever for Scheana to talk about Scheana… Instead Tom 2 invites him over.

Of course Katie’s life partner Stassi is STILL there, drinking beers and loafing around in her PJs. So, Stassi has turned into The Dude? Instead of champagne the Toms roll in with a case of PBR pretending to drown their sorrows but Psych! Poor Katie is so excited because this apparently proves to her that Tom 2 is finally becoming a real grownup. It’s more like Peter Pan has turned into Pinocchio and every time Tom 2 tells a lie he gets another wrinkle and grey hair and looses a bit of his cuteness.

That will all happen soon, because while the Toms are celebrating, Lala is visiting with Scheana and Ariana. Could Scheana be any worse? She has replaced all her wedding photos with giant photoshopped photos of HER OWN FACE. Displayed like works of art. It is a museum of Scheanaography. UGH! UGH! UGH!

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Tom

Scheana and Lala are soulmates in narcissism apparently because Lala is wearing a dress screen printed with HER OWN FACE. While Scheana has been binging on Taco Bell, Lala has been pre-Vegas juicing. According to her, any woman with tits can score a ticket to ride on a private jet. Oh is that all it takes? Obviously not, since Katie has never flown those friendly skies! And neither has Scheana until her affiliation with Lala’s man. And, oh Lala’s man, when Scheana reveals that Katie has been talking shit about him allegedly cheating, Lala explodes. She thought making peace with Katie was a mutual ceasefire against talking crap, but instead Katie wants to throw grenades from behind enemy lines and now wants to “get popped.”

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Tom

According to Lala, when Katie was in NYC with her sister wives Stassi and Kristen Doute, Tom 2 got wasted and made out with another SURver named Allie, who happens to be a friend of Lala’s. Allie kinda resembles a S1 Katie, and Tom kept calling her “bubba” then couldn’t keep his hands off her so they made out. Lala had never planned to tell anyone about this, which is why she filmed talking to Allie about it AT SUR, but after Katie went on her suicide bomber mission… the truce was off. Scheana and Ariana are shocked. Ariana decides to talk to Tom 2 about it.

Stassi finally put on some pants to go do her “J-O-B’ of planning Guillermo’s party at SUR. It basically seems like Lisa did all the work and Stassi is her errand girl, but sure Stassi – you planned a party! Lisa allows Stassi temporary custody of her credit card which makes Stassi breathless. She actually has an inappropriate moment caressing, smelling, and kissing it – I think it filed sexual harassment charges, actually. Lisa warns her that she checks the statement … so Stassi better not be buying anything unapproved. Poor Stassi she can’t have Guillermo’s cake and eat it too.

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Tom

Neither can Jax. Lisa warned him that since Brittany is working the birthday party he can’t come, nor is he scheduled. Since everyone else – even Kristen who is desperate to get her face on TV and needs a paycheck, is at Guillermo’s. Jax is reduced to hanging out with James Kennedy, in an absinthe bar. Maybe it was the hallucinogenic qualities that made Jax hear the voice of God in James Kennedy, but he needs more of that deity, cause James makes sense. James must’ve used an American accent to make sure Jax could understand his English before imparting important advice.

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Tom

This was my favorite thing that happened last night. After a couple mind-altering shots James turned into Dr. Spock, counselor of crazy; wisely listening and offering advice about Jax’s cheating situation. Jax is actually more in love with Brittany than ever now that they’re having daily “hate sex.” Apparently Jax cheats because of the “Madonna Syndrome” since Brittany is his “princess” of beer cheese, Jax has to cheat so he can indulge all his dirty impulses.

James just calmly listened, non-judgmentally, and told Jax that he can’t just have a slice without wanting “the whole f–king shebang” he should just stay away from cake. This advice came after Tom 2 offered that Jax and Brittany have an open relationship. Or a don’t ask don’t tell clause. Maybe it was projecting on Tom’s part though!

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Tom

Meanwhile back at the party, Ariana takes Tom 2 out back to the dumpsters. Cause where else does one receive life-altering information and have poignant, heart-wrenching discussions? This is the Mecca. It is not only where dreams go to die, but lives go to be shifted into shapes unidentifiable to human eyes and in 10,000 years scholars will be trying to decipher these sharpie hieroglyphics for a glimpse into an extent civilization of sociopaths.

Tom 2 has “no recollection” of this so-called indiscretion that happened in January or February, but he admits being at the bar and being supremely drunk. And he also doesn’t deny it or seem completely aghast at the idea that he potentially cheated. With that all signs point to YES, Tom 2 had a drunken makeout. Ariana suggests that Tom 2 wait to talk to Katie about this, at home, privately. Save for some Bravo cameras. But where is the reality TV fun in that?!

Instead the second they get back inside Tom 2 blurts it out to Katie in front of Kristen, Stassi, and Tom 1. Ariana even tries to silence him, but Tom was ripping that bandaid off. He just dropped that little info bomb in there so casually, shrugged it off and acted as if Katie had no reason to flip out. After all – he doesn’t “recall” it happening and if you can’t see it in your foggy memories, it didn’t happen right?

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Tom

Personally I think Tom 2 was going for the safety in numbers thing. He knew if he told Katie in front of everyone else she couldn’t use one of Stassi’s many bedazzled bottle openers to remove what’s left of his penis. In public she can get her anger out then storm out with Kristen and Stassi. I actually think Katie was remarkably restrained. She was wearing a gown up dress, attending a grown-up party, celebrating Tom 2’s grown up success when all the grown-up walls came crashing down as a illusion and Tom 2 turned back into the little boy he is and will always be. Tom 2 has some serious skeletons or something in his past. Like why did his family miss his wedding? He had NO emotion when he told Katie he cheated. He just blurted it out there, and went back to having drinks with Tom 1.

T0m 2 was more upset that Lisa noticed the drama, and he had to tell her what happened. He kept telling her it was “too embarrassing.” Of course this has Lisa concerned – what kind of 5% business partner can Tom 2 be if he doesn’t even remember where he puts his pants half the time? Will he be misplacing the keys of Tom Tom? Will his pants be pulling a disappearing act at work?

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Tequila Tom

For once Katie didn’t go Tequila Katie. She yelled at Tom and called him disgusting, but she didn’t flip out and act a crazy fool. She was suitably embarrassed and horrified that her husband can’t keep his hands to himself, but appropriately so. Katie’s reaction seemed genuine. I actually felt bad for her. Especially when Tom 2 told her to “have some perspective, dude” as she walked away in tears.

Here’s the thing – Tom 2 never wanted to go through the wedding and now he’s passive-aggressive sabotaging. Katie thinks there in the best place ever, but that’s just what he wants her to think or know. It’s not fair to her and she’s right: What is wrong with him?

At least Brittany now knows she’s not alone. She was temporarily distracted from crying over Jax’s infidelity to rally around Katie. Actually I think Brittany and Katie should move in together and Tom 2 and Jax can move down the hall.  Tom 1 could make daily appearances as their voice of reason and James could pop in to counsel them. Now THAT would be a great reality show.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]