Part one of the reunion ended with Kelly Dodd screaming into the phone and crying. Part 2 opened with Vicki Gunvalson apologizing for repeating a rumor she heard about Kelly using cocaine. While that is all nice and good, we know that Vicki’s apology is as sincere as the one Kelly gave for calling Vicki a “pig” and a “fat ass.” Shannon, however, ermerges as the unlikely voice of reason when she points out that the negativity and tit for tat is really hitting too low and isn’t making either woman feel (or look) good. And no amount of plastic surgery erases a bad attitude!
Speaking of, this is Shannon 2.0! As I said last week the divorced Shannon we wanted to see all season was represented at the reunion last night. She is sanguine, mature, and together as she discusses her painful divorce. She admits her therapist has been coaching her to be “less reactive.” Baby steps, baby steps away from the outburst of Jamaica. And everywhere else Shannon has ever trod…
David Beador and his 30-something girlfriend Lesley have moved into a 6-bedroom house in a super exclusive community. Meanwhile, Shannon is reduced to squatting in a 4,000 square foot hole. There is a rumor that Lesley pregnant. I immediately hit-up Lesley’s Instagram to stalk a little and I can’t tell anything,
but I wouldn’t put it past her #PenisFlyTrap Instead of having a break down, Shannon calmly admits she has never met Lesley but, “If someone is good to my kids, then I’m good with it.” This newly adult Shannon is saving all of her outbursts and wrath for Tamra Judge. As always (and as it should be)!
Shannon is also trying to give her daughters space when they’re with David because she doesn’t want to end up like Tamra and you know who: the daughter who does not want to be mentioned on Real Housewives Of Orange County. Nevertheless, Tamra cannot stop discussing or mentioning her daughter and the fact that she doesn’t want to be mentioned on the show. Yeah her. Also, David got angry when Shannon tried to pry into his domestic situation and she doesn’t want anything negatively affecting a future custody agreement. Aren’t Shannon’s kids about ready to move out? Anyway, Shannon is done being negative about her fat rolls, her singleness. Now, she is excited to date, be free, and experience an unexpected life. With Vicki by her side instead of Tamra. So it’s two divorces one stone.
Fun Shannon was definitely present and accounted for – take that Gina Kirschenyourhairatemybaby! – when she laughed at her drunken and embarrassing antics in Mexico. “I thought a chihuahua was Archie,” she jokes about not remembering even going to a taco stand – or hopping into a hot tub wearing a red bra outside her shirt!
Shannon may be laughing through her tears because David has also been viewing Real Housewives Of Orange County to use against her in their endless divorce. “It’s not admissible,” Tamra assures. She has been there done that with Simon Barney trying – and
unfortunately failing – to make an example of her atrocious behavior. Emily Simpson concurs though that girl’s trip behavior does not legally equate to mom life behavior.
Since Andy Cohen owes it to Emily to treat her as more than the hired legal help, he turns the attention to everyone hating on her husband Shane Simpson. Gina who is clearly looking for attention – as if her sequined dress and neon makeup aren’t loud enough, immediately makes this her argument by calling out Shannon for comparing Shane to David.
This is really Gina deflecting though, because she is the one who repeated Shannon’s words to Emily, prompting Emily to confront – or “attack” if you’re Shannon (and sometimes Kelly) – during the golf day. Oh please – Emily did not attack Shannon! She explained her position and did not yell. Are these Housewives so immune to actual conversations they can’t recognize normalcy? This is a problem. They need a conversation therapy back to real-reality.
Then Gina shouts the dreaded words “Own it!” and everyone’s heads explode in a thousand pounds of hair gel, botox, and false eyelashes. I don’t really understand Gina’s intentions at this reunion. She has so much acrimony, which seems super underserved, towards Shannon. The problem is that she’s still fighting Tamra’s battles.
Gina should just admit that she doesn’t like Shannon instead of poking at her constantly with those awful talons while rolling her eyes like a seventeen-year-old. She’s worse than Shannon’s daughters, who are well-equipped to deal with the pre-therapy reactive Shannon and know how to placate her while acting as de facto counselors and pals.
This really is a reunion of bad men though, because we have to devote an inordinate amount of time to Shane and whether or not Emily unjustly defends him, or if he’s like David or Simon or a tiny little dictator living in Emily’s pocket. I really don’t care, and I really don’t get why everyone is making this such an issue. Of course, Emily will defend her husband. After all, she doesn’t want to risk living in a condo and driving a Jetta by pissing Pary off!
The person who definitely cannot own anything – maybe even less than Vicki is Tamra. When Emily says Tamra hurt her feelings by saying she was “concerned” for Emily because of Shane, Tamra immediately turns it into how Emily lied that one girls night about needing to get home for her kids when instead she went out with her real friends. Emily insists she was actually meeting Shane’s ex-wife to discuss custody. BUT WHO CARES?
Who hasn’t begged off a lame get together with a psychic matchmaker when you want to go home, put on sweats, and watch some Poldark on Masterpiece Theater instead? Who wants to listen to Tamra act like the foremost authority on marital stability while inching her way to a third divorce. As Andy mentioned for all Shane’s faults, Emily is currently the Housewife with the longest standing marriage.
What’s shocking is that this marriage came about on GChat and a Mormon prayer. Even though Emily, their children and no one else in Shane’s family is Mormon, and he was converted by his childhood neighbors. This guy is a psychological puzzle that belongs in a Ph.D. class on abnormal psychology. Which is ironically also Kelly’s number one reason why she’d need to test out the waters before diving into marriage. i.e. what if he’s working with
Mormon underwear a Vienna sausage?
What’s worse than Shane though is all the body shaming Emily received from viewers who derided her for not being Tamra-sized. That’s terrible. And super disappointing. Seriously – what the f*ck, people? Aren’t we past this as a society?
Last, but certainly least desirable, we must discuss Tamra’s ‘storylines’ this season. And by Tamra’s storylines, we mean Eddie Judge and Shannon’s storylines. I mean, the only thing Tamra had going on was a fractured foot.
Eddie has seen a world-renown heart specialist. They learned his heart condition probably existed for his entire life, but now he’s finally on the mend. This presumably means the primate pornography exhibit is open at the zoo. Another development is that Tamra and Vicki are now neighbors, or “within casserole walking distance” as Andy put it. Tamra has moved behind the gates of Coto. Whoop it up and get smothered in melted cheese.
Tamra and Shannon, however, are not presently on speaking terms. Shannon, predictably, was furious and hurt after seeing the show and was most upset by “the water incident”. As a result, she wasn’t invited to Tamra’s birthday. Vicki also didn’t attend because she felt Kelly was too scary and unpredictable around alcohol. So, good to know Kelly isn’t just crazy when cameras are around! (Shut up Vicki).
Tamra is equally angry after Shannon 1.0 after a recent New York trip. Shannon was absolutely horrible to Tamra and her makeup artist Melissa. She was so selfish making Melissa do her eye makeup and they missed their dinner reservation. Errrrmmmm…, yeah, that’s bad.
Shannon acknowledges that when their friendship has serious issues – like Tamra talking shit about Shannon on national TV – they don’t discuss it. Tamra blames Shannon for not calling her out like a good friend would, which is a complete and utter lie. Tamra is constantly trying to use Shannon (and Vicki for that matter). She wants to make herself look sane and saintly as compared to crazy and demonic friend.
No one believes for a hot second that Tamra would react kindly to being “called out”! She would turn into a viper so venomous she’d track down your ex-wife then call her during a televised reunion to paint you as a deadbeat (OK Slade Smiley was a deadbeat, but you get my drift!) Tamra would hire a psychic wannabe pop star to see visions that your sketchy boyfriend was faking cancer. She would even conspire with your daughter to expose him – and you!
Anyway, as much as it pains me, I do think Tamra has many valid points about Shannon’s selfishness. Tamra did try to talk to Shannon as much as she also tried to talk about her. The main crux of Tamra’s wrath is that Shannon was constantly dumping on Tamra about being single, divorced, and alone when she was actually dating the entire season and hiding it from cameras. Shannon insists he was another scum bag, and it wasn’t a serious relationship.
Shannon is selfish. When she has something going on it dominates all aspects of her life and blinds her with self-obsession. I actually believe Tamra that Shannon wasn’t checking in on Eddie because she was so distracted by her own issues.
Tamra feels like she has no voice in their friendship and can’t be honest. Which is true! Gina claims that Shannon expects Tamra to hide her reality – like pretending to be single while she’s dating. This is coming from the woman who was hiding her separation when she joined the show… I dunno Gina, like that’s the pot calling the kettle black. But likewise, Shannon is completely called outdo can always tell because she responds with “wow.” Which she did when Tamra confirmed she was dating all season.
In this brouhaha, Kelly isn’t sure who defend. Like she knew she was supposed to be Team Shannon, but her loyalty was whipping around faster than a dog playing tug of war because not being Team Tamra is scary as hell. Satan is confusing, right!
TELL US – IS TAMRA TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT SHANNON? WHICH CAST MEMBERS SHOULD RETURN TO REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY NEXT SEASON?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]