Real Housewives Of Orange County Finale Recap: Femme Failures

That was the most boring finale of Real Housewives Of Orange County like ever. I’m not kidding when I say I dozed off as Gina Kirschenigiveup was droning on about how she’s just trying to be a ‘good fweind” to Shannon Beador. I didn’t even wake up when she talked about owning boots that magically impregnate people!

Look here’s the thing: at this point trying to center a whole season around whether or not Shannon is nuts is a moot point. It’s like the most rhetorical question ever asked of the Real Housewives universe. It’s such a DUH that it’s like asking a 45-year-old if they believe in Santa. Or if wine should be included in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

Just in case let’s put it to the test and consider the evidence. Is Shannon mentally unstable? Well, the woman went to a Femme Fatale party dressed like she was hosting a junior league luncheon alongside Kameron Westcott. Then she changed into a Brett Michaels costume? And we’re talking about a woman who considers Tamra Judge one of her best and closest friends despite irrefutable evidence to the contrary.

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Shannon is a person who believes the key to freedom is selling frozen salmon stuffed with liquified cheese from a home shopping network by talking about how she’s fat. The same someone who for 3 seasons has been crying about her weight while refusing to exercise or give up booze. We’re talking about someone who had a fake funeral for herself to save her marriage. No, not the vow renewal but an actual fake funeral. A person who on the regular throws the type of hysterical fits that my toddler is prone to. And who discusses birth control with her teenage daughter using a Muppet voice and then emphatically decides that NOPE she will never have a daughter on the pill. Like this is 1965 and Shannon’s floral sheath dress is the height of fashion.  So, is Shannon nuts… I mean you be the judge!

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However, that doesn’t make it OK that Gina is trying to use Shannon for relevance but failing. It also doesn’t make it right that Gina willingly threw herself under the bus she knew Tamra was driving in order to get on Tamra’s good side. There is literally no sparkly skin in this fight for Gina. She was just feeling salty about all the attention Shannon’s divorce was getting and wants a piece of the pie. (Psssst… the pie is poison and it won’t save you from #CasitaLife).

So I guess we should backtrack and break down the episode. Starting with how no one knows what a femme fatale is including Emily Simpson who decides it’s the perfect birthday party theme for her 70-year-old mother in law. I mean, maybe it is? Pary looks amazing. She wields enough power to wave her magical hands so Emily will wake up living in a casita next door to Gina’s and suddenly driving a Jetta. Although isn’t Emily a high-powered attorney? I.E. gainfully employed whilst Craig Shane Simpson can’t even pass the bar exam.

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Real Housewives Of Orange County Finale Recap: Femme Failures

This party is so weird. It is even weirder because Emily has also invited Steve Lodge‘s mom and Tamra’s mom. Emily somehow mended her own mother’s psychosis just in time for her to fly out from Ohio to attend. This was sad. Emily’s mother hasn’t even seen her grandsons since the day they were born. She doesn’t remember seeing Emily’s daughter Annabelle a year ago when Emily visited Ohio. Her mom candidly admits, “I lost a year.” But she’s recently been through intense therapy and has reemerged into the world, leaving Emily optimistic about the future.

Kelly & Tamra

Anyway Emily takes Tamra and Kelly Dodd to a sex store to buy kinky costumes and basically, everyone decides to just wear their normal clothes with one sexy accessory.

Kelly Dodd's date

Kelly actually picked this amazing Carmen Sandiego hat. This proof that she’s the only person on this show smart enough to google “Femme Fatale.” Kelly also brought a 35-year-old date. She sexually harassed him throughout the party by routinely mentioning his dick. So she’s not savvy enough to google the meaning of sexual harassment. Or more than likely Kelly doesn’t care or she thinks it only goes one-way. That was totally gross and inappropriate. I’m sure Kelly felt she looked like an empowered divorcee. I felt horrible for this guy. He seemed decent and nice. Meanwhile, Kelly was basically telling people to unzip his pants and take a peek at the sausage she gets to eat later. Kelly did say her inspiration for the evening was to “look like a hoe,” so mission accomplished!

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While they’re at the store and Tamra is wearing a rubber horse head mask (her best face yet!) when Gina calls Emily to complain about having FOMO over missing out on shopping. Then she asks to speak to Tamra and begs her to visit her She-sita so they can discuss Shannon. Ugh.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Finale Recap: Femme Failures

So Tamra goes to the She-sita, and Gina is all, I didn’t lie cause I’m not a liar, but Shannon is a liar cause she made it sound like I was being mean and calling her craaayzeee, when I was just telling the truwth that all her friends are concerned that she’s like a few sequinesed short of my birthday dress and if I was really being mean I would’ve told her how you said all this stuff about how she’s fat cause she’s lazy and won’t go to CUT Fitness. Also you didn’t come to my birfday paawrty and that like hurted my feelings cause I thought we were fweiends.

Gina Kirschenheiter

Tamra admits she did say all this about Shannon (which she had to because it was ON TAPE), but she was just being a concerned friend! Then Tamra tells Gina she can’t believe her, because she’s never known Shannon to be a liar. I guess that sounds true. Shannon is many (many) things – see above! – but I don’t think she’s ever lied. Unlike Tamra. Unlike Vicki Gunvalson. So that leaves Gina feeling like she’s a girl on an island, with only a tiny casita to call her own, and no one to share it with! Well, maybe Emily after Pary tosses her out for letting Shane look bad on national TV.

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Speaking of Vicki Gunvalson, moments before the Femme Fatale party she decides to regale Steve’s daughter with this riveting tale of how she had her facial skin literally lifted off so they could take out all the pustules of rancid filler, then staple her face back into place. Um, so Vicki is a Tim Burton character and also now her face is literally immobile. It looks better in the interviews, presumably once the staples are removed. But she is a cautionary tale of what happens when vanity takes over sanity. Vicki also promises she’s not doing anything else to her body except working out. Yeah, maybe she’ll go to CUT fitness, unlike Shannon. She has no excuse as Coto Insurance is literally next door.

Shannon becomes a femme fatale

After Tamra’s meeting with Gina, she has Shannon over so they can transform into femme fatales together. Shannon is passive aggressively missing the point of the theme by wearing a floral day dress with a matching jacket. Also, Shannon is incensed to hear that Gina is accusing her of exaggerating what was said at her house 4 days after eye surgery. She accuses Gina of taking advantage of her while she was weak from having to suffer through elective surgery alone as a single divorcee whose only saving grace is microwavable veggie burgers.

So Shannon decides the whole thing is actually Kelly’s fault, but it’s not like Shannon is gonna upset that apple cart by confronting Kelly and risking her wrath again. Been there, done that, and Shannon has learned by the hairs on her chinny, chin, chins. Tamra is just relieved that she still has Shannon firmly under her maniacal thumb, which is also holding a whip.

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The absolute best part of this entire episode was the palpable annoyance from Eddie Judge at having to deal with Shannon, who was the third wheel as they rode, in icy silence, to the party. It basically proves what Tamra has been saying all season: that he’s tired of Shannon’s melodramas and neediness. Shannon tries to make conversation about something having to do with her and her life (because All About Shannon 4 Eva), but he replies with one-word answers and stares straight ahead leaving Tamra awkwardly caught in the middle. Um, Bravo couldn’t have splashed out for a bigger car? Oh, wait, that was intentional!

Emily & Gina as femme fatales

The party is just the kind of Housewives finale you’d expect. A party thrown expressly for the purpose of Bravo.

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Shannon confronts Emily

The apex of the party is Shannon and Gina having a little confrontation. This results in nothing except Shannon accusing Gina of stirring the pot all season. Gina denies this. Of course. Then Shannon says Emily has no right to question her mental state when Emily was the one running around a previous party threatening to kill Kelly. Um, that is neither here nor there. A) Everyone has threatened to kill Kelly at one point or another. Except maybe Vicki? B) We all know Emily wasn’t really planning to KILL Kelly. That’s just a thing people say when they’re drunk and angry. It’s not necessarily an excuse per se, but Shannon has flipped out similarly about 105 times and is just trying to project. Badly.

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Tamra & Gina

No, I don’t think Shannon is going to have a psychotic break and isolate herself from the world for the year. She’s not that kind of nuts (and we wouldn’t be that lucky), but I do think Emily made an accurate point in mentioning that Shannon is not dealing with any of her issues and this can (and will) fester into a bigger, larger, scarier situation if not handled.

Then after nothing is accomplished Shannon changes into a Brett Michaels costume, and struts through Emily’s party expecting everyone to pay attention to her (they don’t), then she leaves and it’s basically over. So Gina got out her Impregnate Me boots for nothing!

What is wrong with this show? It has all the elements of a good franchise with plenty of drama, but it’s just stale and not working. I blame Gina. She’s the scapegoat for everything around here. The reunion at least looks pretty exciting!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]