Left to her own devices without editing or intervention Vicki Gunvalson will always shoot herself in the foot, then still try to put on heels and hobble away. Last night’s segment of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion was the perfect example of Vicki at her most Vicki-ness. Reunion part 1 was also way better than anything we’d seen all season.
The most important part of any reunion is to dissect the outfits. First of all, Shannon Beador looks great! I don’t know if it’s the glowy spray tan indicating a break from Dr. Moon‘s holistic practices of wiping Shannon’s entire body in tan resistant mineral powders to ward of surface level UV free radicals, or the 30lb weight loss, or finally shedding her toxic friendship with Tamra Judge, but Shannon looks better than we’ve seen her in years. THIS is the divorced Shannon we were craving all season!
Gina Kirschenstoptheinsanity looked like she was auditioning to be an extra on Glow. I’m sure she will tell us it’s Long Island style… It was circa 1983.
Emily Simpson looks about how I’d expect her to look. Part midwestern pageant girl all grown up; part trying to be classy power broad. I actually think Emily was a good asset this reunion and played her strengths as a mediator just right. Kelly Dodd was bringing the cougar, as opposed to the hoochie mama. Tamra was just basic. Finally, there is Vicki, swaddled in cluelessness, disillusion, and lack of remorse. It looks good on her!
Right off the bat, there is no love lost between Vicki and Kelly. I’m not sure how it got so nasty in between the end of the season where they appeared to be getting along, and present day where Kelly is openly hostile towards Vicki before Andy Cohen is through introductions. We’ll dissect this in detail later.
The most exciting part of the whole reunion was comparing Vicki’s relationship with Brooks Ayers to Dirty John. YES! For basically all of my Real Housewives recapping life, I have been waiting for Vicktim Gunvalson to have the realization that her life is essentially a Lifetime Movie (ONE WHICH NEEDS TO BE MADE IMMEDIATELY), and that Brooks is an A+ villain of mansplaining (cancersplaining?) atrocities.
I have also been waiting for Vicktim to finally admit that she had an affair with Brooks. Last night my patience was vindicated when she finally did. Feeling safely ensconced in the idea that we all finally understand that she wasn’t an intentional cancer-scammer, but herself the victim of an evil relationship, and people will forgive as proven by Connie Britton! Maybe Vicki should send Connie a solidarity casserole?
So yes, Vicki admitted to leaving Donn for Brooks but she still blames it all on Brooks filling her Love Tank with Hallmark Cards until it runneth over into debt, betrayal, and stained carpets. Vicki claims she felt “insecure” in her marriage to Donn, which led her to seek emotional validation from Brooks. It’s probably because Donn was normal and not a vituperative cesspool of drama, which Vicki requires to satisfy her endless vat of Me-Me-Me affirmations. How Briana Culberson and Michael Wolfsmith have turned out remotely normal is Bravo’s greatest unsolved mystery.
While Brooks is not a murderer like the subject of Dirty John, Vicki argues, “He murdered my self… esteem and my pocketbook.” And Vicki is not done enacting revenge! She plans to go after him for all the money he owes and she has in her possession … duh, duh, duh: AN EX-CEL SPREADSHEET to prove everything! OOOoooh. While all the women agree that chasing down Brooks to wrestle apologies and checks for wrongs is a waste of time and energy, they don’t agree on whether or not Vicki will marry Steve Lodge. I say yes.
RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Kelly Dodd Thinks Steve Lodge Is “Loving The Limelight”; Declares Ex-Husband Michael Still Has Her Back
Shannon and Tamra now believe that Steve and Vicki are legitimately in love. Kelly thinks that Steve sees marriage for having children and probably won’t pop the question. Emily “admires” their relationship and thinks it is made of happy endings, not podcasts of peril. Vicki swears she’s learned from her Brookstakes and this time is going to counseling before any marrying occurs.
Gina wishes she’d heard of that new fangled talk therapeeee thingy, but in Long Island they just have bars and affairs and like nobody talks throuwgh any of their prrraaaablems. Which is why she’s getting divorcesed. Also Matt Kirschenheiter never told her she was beautiful or appreciated her. And that means she’ll be the one ending up with a Brooks-type next! Because affirmation-less love means all roads lead to grifters – with or without teeth!
Last night I actually think Gina did a good job explaining her divorce and where things stand. Throughout the season she always seemed so flippant about it. Like, whatever, today I went to Target, and I bought some nail polish, and frosted blue eyeshadow this one is called Flying High Blueberry, and I got a toilet brush and since my marriage is in the toilet, I also bought a divorce. It was on sa-ale. Gina should’ve also bought eye makeup remover, but baby steps to her small house!
RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Star Gina Kirschenheiter Hasn’t Told Her Kids About Divorce; Went On First Date After Her Split
Speaking of, Gina still hasn’t told her kids about the divorce and she’s still renting her She-sita on the weekends when Matt visits. She also insists she wasn’t separated when she joined Real Housewives Of Orange County. Instead, her marriage was in a “down period” and she actually hoped TV would bring them together! Um… Didn’t Gina say she had watched the show before joining?! Hilariously Shannon commiserates – as that’s also what SHE believed would happen when she joined RHOC. Instead, David Beador’s affair was outed! Gina and Matt weren’t cheating though.
Well, at least Vicki apologized for saying Gina didn’t have a moral compass. Which is oh-so hilarious coming from a woman whose moral compass was set on Brooks and Fake Cancer. Tamra is wearing a
corrupt halo compared to Vicktim. Gina’s reunion hair did resemble one of this Renaissance religious paintings, so maybe she was trying to be the living embodiment of “the higher the hair, the closer to god.”
Now, finally, with all this stuff no one cares about out of the way, we get to break down the Vicki vs. Kelly accusation-fest. Oh man. That was … real, real bad. This is what I don’t understand about Vicki: her need to self-sabotage. Whenever she is ahead in the game, she does something stupid like stop to take a selfie at the 50-yard line and then doesn’t get the winning touchdown.
RELATED: Real Housewives Of Orange County Alum Meghan Edmonds Says Vicki Gunvalson Is Inauthentic, Very Calculated, & Lied About Cancer Scam
Anyway, Vicki majorly dropped the ball last night. We were all like look at Vicki apologizing to Gina, making headway in admitting things like that she left Donn for Brooks, being compassionate, seeming f–king NORMAL for once, and then she accuses Kelly of using cocaine to stay thin and calls her a neglectful mom. As appealing as an image of Kelly being Elvira Hancock from Scarface is, VICKI – YOU DO NOT SAY THINGS LIKE THAT! Even if Kelly called you fat. Which was wrong.
Even if Kelly called Vicki a “pig” on Twitter and I agree, fat shaming is the pathetic, low-brow stuff of immature bullies and Kelly should not be showing that behavior to Jolie. But still, Vickitim, YOU DO NOT SAY THAT. You do not make accusations that could ruin someone’s life because your feelings are hurt over a reality TV argument!
This all started over whether or not Vicki was wrong for hiding from Kelly that Michael was dating their mutual friend and going on double-dates with Vicki and Steve. The real issue is that Vicki is spiteful because she can’t have her cake and eat it too. I.e. Steve and Michael aren’t friends anymore because of all the drama, and clearly, Vicki blames Kelly.
RELATED: Kelly Dodd Compares Vicki To Spoiled Milk; Wants Heather Dubrow Back On The Real Housewives Of Orange County
Also, Vicki likes having the upper hand. Like look I’m friends with your ex-husband and KNOW things. For most people, they wouldn’t want to be in this awkward situation of potentially hurting both their friends, but Vicki is a drama-seeking missile of terribleness. Or a silent but deadly fart! Vicki, don’t ever leave Real Housewives Of Orange County!
Vicki just can’t admit – even with every other woman on the stage against her – that she should’ve just been honest with Kelly from the jump. Even Kelly maintains that she wouldn’t have been mad if Vicki had just told her what was going on. Vicki still argues that Michael didn’t want her to, and refuses to see how this makes her DISLOYAL to Kelly by choosing her friendship with Michael (aka Steve’s friendship with Michael) over her friendship with Kelly.
Perfectly (and poignantly), an enraged Kelly finally compares Vicki to a fart, “silent but deadly,” because Vicki’s MO is to tell people things behind their back, expecting that person to do her dirty work in public outing it. Kelly was that person in Ireland, and Steve is that person now. I personally don’t agree that Steve got used by Vicki as a mouthpiece. Was Kelly used? Yes? No? Maybe. Kelly is pretty vitriolic and does lots of damage on her own, but she’s correct that Vicki always wants to look like her hands are clean as she’s wiping the blood off on the back of her friend’s skirt. Vicki isn’t savvy enough to be premeditated. She just talks a lot of shit without realizing the possibility of it being thrown in her face later.
Anyway, all of that culminated with Kelly calling Vicki a fat ass and Vicki accusing Kelly of using coke to stay skinny and ditching Jolie to party which she claims Michael told her. Apparently 6 months ago – the last time Vicki spoke to Michael – he said being married to Kelly was “14 years of hell” and that he had Jolie a lot more than she does.
Collectively every woman on that stage made a face like she’d smelled a horrific fart. They did – it was Vicki’s odorous words! They all just froze as Vicki realized what she had said and desperately tried to backpedal. “Lies! Lies! Liza Minelli! That’s what we should call you,” Kelly shouts. Vicki backpedals the way Shannon rides an exercise bike. She actually just made things worse by trying to Vicksplain how Kelly travels a lot and like Michael has to watch Jolie. Gina said, “SHUT UP – YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE.” Thank you Gina, for once.
Shannon tried to be the peacemaker by pointing out that both Vicki and Kelly have gone too low and too far with their insults. Honestly, they both seemed shocked by how nasty they were being; hollowed out by how far their rage, misplaced and overly-aggressive towards the wrong source, had taken them. As Kelly wiped tears away and Vicki sputtered, they offered half-hearted apologizes before the break. However, in the dressing room, Kelly calls Michael and threatens to “hit” Vicki. Michael, obviously, denies saying those things.
RELATED: Kelly Dodd Wants To Leave Real Housewives Of Orange County Because Of Vicki Gunvalson Drug Accusations; Gina Kirschenheiter & Emily Simpson Shade Vicki On Instagram
On the stage, Tamra lectures Vicki. Vicki proving that she’s not really sorry, mutters, “That’s what we heard” about Kelly using cocaine. She looks to Shannon for collaboration, but Shannon averts her eyes. Even Shannon is smart enough to know this is NOT a road you go down.
Vicki is 100% in the wrong. I don’t think there’s any walking back from this for quite a long time. Even if Michael did tell Vicki those things about Kelly, he was likely venting, aka NOT meant to be repeated! Isn’t this an argument Vicki actually had with Kelly after Kelly shot her mouth off in Ireland? Vicki claimed she was just venting about the other women behind their backs and had no intention of it ever seeing the light of day. *sigh*
TELL US – DO YOU BELIEVE MICHAEL TOLD VICKI ALL THOSE THINGS? IS BROOKS LIKE DIRTY JOHN?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]