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vpr-recap

Oh good lord with this show. I really think the cast of Vanderpump Rules should just bottle their tears and sell them as a cocktail at SUR. I mean someone is always crying! In every scene: sob, sob, sob, sob… If Diamond Water can become a thing, Teary Vodka can. 

So last night Jax Taylor proved that he is just as self-absorbed as Stassi Schroeder (what did we expect from a male model!) when he dumped rebound girlfriend Laura-Leigh of the Minnie Mouse helium voice and meth addiction after her AA meeting. Yep, that happened – although he told her they could keep having sex.

And in the same episode Stassi showed why she has no friends and is always getting shizzed upon by boyfriends; because she treats people like CRAP! And we all know you treat people how you expect to be treated. Stassi, Princess of Low Self-Esteem. She wears transparent well, doesn't she?

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE REST! 

LLFoolJ went to some stupid sauna to sweat their pain and self-loathing away except it doesn't work if you take Prozac before the soak. They spent the entire session going in and out of the booth lamenting some issue or another. I was bored. Jax is boring. Hear that male model – you're boring! You're not more than just a pretty face! You are ONLY a pretty face. Speaking of pretty, LL is pretty with great skin but good lord what a hot mess (and not just post-sauna!) of insanity. 

Afterwards LL tells Jax that she's been sober for six days following a relapse. Apparently she's a recovering alcoholic. I can't keep up. Meanwhile, Stassi is fudging up other aspects of her life. See, Stassi considers herself a "fashion writer" (s'cuse me while I laugh!) and the only publication willing to hire her is the one owned by her friend Pandora, aka Lisa Vanderpump's daughter. Convenient! 

Except Stassi has forgotten that the definition of writer means "person who writes things." She thought writer meant "person who drinks a lot of alcohol while being a bitch." While sometimes the definitions go hand-in-hand the task of writing SOMETHING besides bullying hate texts is always involved. Since she hasn't turned in a column in two months and Pandora is ready to fire her, she goes to lounge by the pool with new BFF, suck-up Scheana Marie Famewhore

Joining them is side-kick in boring Katie Maloney and then Kristen Doute shows up to about-face annoy Stassi who whines and cries about how Kristen owes her like so many apologies since Stassi was a good friend to her. When? Did I miss those scenes? Must have!

Then Stassi goes over to Lisa's where she fake cries as Pandora and Lisa both threaten to fire her but NEITHER OF THEM DO! Then Stassi laughs in her car all the way to SUR where she shows up and gets in a big loud screaming fight with LL in the dining room while she's on the clock.

Guillermo, who looks like he wants to kill himself, tries to reign them both in but ends up just letting Stassi bully him into sending her home. This was approximately six seconds after she sobbed to Lisa about how much she values her job at SUR. It was truly pathetic and you know the producers were manipulating this train and Stassi was milking it for all it was worth. I heard she still works there, but only a couple days a week because people want to see the infamous drink slinging princess. She keeps insisting it's all an on-screen persona. We know she's Kyle Richards Jr.

So let's talk about this fight with LL. LL comes up to Stassi to basically says let's just stop with the nonsense and get along at work. Except it spirals out of control and LL calls her "spooled" (she meant spoiled). Stassi retaliates by saying the most mean and horrible things imaginable because she hates LL even more than LL hates herself. Stassi pretty much taunted her by saying: "Go relapse, loser!" It was disgusting. 

Really, stomach churning. Then Stassi tells LL that Jax is still texting her which we all know is true because the day before following LL's AA meeting Jax basically said it was time for them to take a break. See Barbie was carrying around Ken's androgynous balls in her Chinatown knockoff Chanel and Ken was tired of feeling a plastic smooth spot there and wants them back. And the only way to get your balls back from Stassi is to listen to everything she says.

I mean don't get me wrong, LL is pathetic too. And truly a mess. But don't kick a wounded animal. That just makes you look bad.  Is Jax really worth fighting over people? No, no he's not. He looks like he hasn't bathed since before the dawn of the Internet. 

Lisa's son Max, who is adorable, has a concert with one of the Toms and Lisa tears up watching him perform. That was the only nice part of the show. Oh besides Peter Madrigal. I love Peter. 

Then Stassi and Jax sob at each other as Jax promises to be the man she wants him to be because she is the girl he wants to marry. Sadly, he forgot to tell LL that important fact so she called her "boyfriend," who is suddenly not really her boyfriend (they were just 'Hook-up in the bathroom buddies') and he won't answer. Like all three million times she called. 

vpr-recap-ll-jax

Let's take a break, but we can still have unprotected sex, K?

So what's a girl to do but show up at his work place and berate him in front of customers! In this case douche deserved it. LL calls him out on all his crap like lying and using her and nothing having any respect for her. She tells him he deserves Stassi, and then suggest he remind Stassi that THIS bathroom-hook-up-buddy, the one Stassi deems her crowned prince, has been having unprotected sex with LL for weeks. Paging Planned Parenthood portable STD van! Cliff hanger… 

The other insignificant thing that happened on this show was that Scheana's newfound friendship with Stassi is apparently rubbing off on her behavior at work. Scheana was scheduled to work a private party of Lisa's but since Brandi Glanville, ex-wife of Scheana's former extramarital hook-up, is attending Lisa switched Scheana to the main dining room and gave Kristen the party. Peter accidentally gave Scheana the wrong info which triggered a meltdown. 

Scheana shows up at work, screams at Peter who was biting his tongue trying not to laugh at her, and then starts crying in the bathroom. Apparently she missed some audition to work this party.

Lisa goes to check on her and gently tells her that there is no acceptable time limit for getting over being cheated on so Scheana can't work the party but she could kindly get out of the bathroom. Then Scheana goes home. At this point my head was swimming. 

Next week is the season finale where Jax and Stassi have yet another incident and I throw things at the TV because Ken and Barbie also have the brains of Ken and Barbie. I mean at least Barbie became like an astronaut and a school teacher. Stassi can't even string a blog together!

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

TELL US – CRAZIER: LL OR STASSI? DO STASSI AND JAX DESERVE EACH OTHER? IS JAX WORTH FIGHTING OVER?

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