Last night there was a shift in the balance of equilibrium on Vanderpump Rules. No, Kristen Doute didn’t suddenly stop obsessing over Tom Sandoval – quite the contrary, actually – but Katie Maloney extracted herself from Stassi Schroeder and washed that bad friendship out of her hair.
Everyone has returned from Miami in high spirits – Lisa Vanderpump is impressed they managed to take a vacation without killing Scheana. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix even believe Tom’s talk with Kristen has given her the closure she needs and everything is peaceful. That peace, is the quiet before the storm, sadly.
Scheana Marie Almost Famous has anointed herself as diplomat of SUR and plans to ask Lisa for a raise after all the good work she did using penis straws to reunite the group. Poor Stassi is left out in the cold. She hasn’t just been shivering outside, pressing her face against the window and drooling over the fried goat cheese balls, she’s been beading! Stassi has been hustling! She’s not just living off her parents! Stassi’s real hustle is convincing people to actually interact with her.
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Stassi also decided to threaten Katie with the silent treatment until Katie begs for forgiveness. “I am ravenous for an apology,” Stassi salivates. Too bad Stassi will perish waiting and Katie isn’t even going to hand her a pinot grigio to quench her parched throat. I hope Katie says, “I don’t know what I’ve done to you but I’ll take a pinot grigio while you explain.”
Stassi tries all her old tricks to break Katie down. She dispatches Anonymous Stassi Schroeder Clone No 1 to tell Katie their friendship is over. It has the opposite of desired affects, instead Katie gets pissed that Kristina, desperate grasper of fame and attention and Stassi’s one surviving friend, is stooping to that level. And it reminds Katie of how spineless she once was.
Katie and Tom 2 tell Lisa what’s up. Lisa tut-tuts about Stassi only wanting a collection of sycophants, sitting on a CB2 shelf in her living room admiring her. Scheana tries to interject into the conversation, but Lisa seamlessly cuts her off and pretends she’s not there. It was exceptional shade.
Despite the negativity, Katie and Stassi decide to meet and talk. Katie with the hopes of having a mature conversation; Stassi waiting, fork poised, to be satiated with an apology. Stassi invites Kristina and her rapidly dwindling pack of followers (I call them “The Validators”) to see her “studio” – a little loft area in her apartment with a crappy iKea desk. It is here that Stassi assembles her stunning, one-of-a-kind statement necklaces. And this is what has become of The Great Stassi Schroeder.
In other moments of delusion, Kristen and James go on a date, where Kristen gushes about how excited she is that the girl Tom 1 cheated with in Miami is coming to LA and plans to confront him. My big question to all of this is: Why? Here’s why, I am wondering why: Why would you care that Tom cheated on his girlfriend and you were the hoochie 1-night-stand recipient? Why would you want to admit this about yourself on national television? Why would you stalk Kristen on instagram to tell her about this transgression? Oh right… trying to get on TV as the next Scheana Marie.
Likewise, why is James with Kristen? He’s a subpar placeholder until Kritter kills off Ariana, kidnaps Tom, holding him hostage until his life is nothing, thus being completely under her control. Poor James – he is pathetic. Has he met Kristina? I think they might have a lot in common.
But let’s discuss Kristen. Let’s go over the LOGIC of her plan here: Kritter wants revenge because Tom 1 supposedly cheated on Kristen with Ariana, then Tom left Kristen for Ariana, but Kristen thinks it’s all because Ariana twatmatized Tom. If she can just get rid of Ariana, Tom 1 will realize he’s still in love with Kristen. So she wants to prove Tom 1 cheated on Ariana by bringing crazy stalker Miami girl to LA to confront him. Then Ariana will dump Tom 1 so he’ll go back to Kristen?
Kristen is doing ALL OF THIS because she wants to get a cheater back – a cheater, who according go her, has a “small, shaved penis.” The best part of the story – Kritter is convinced Jax Taylor knows the truth and she can rely on his HONESTY to support her version of events. Yeah – Kristen is crazier than I thought.
James tries to tell Kristen her Tom 1 obsession is hurtful to him. She’s like whatever TOM! TOM! TOM! She so has his photo pasted on a Ken Doll’s head and she kisses it every night.
Watch this Miami girl get to SUR and realize she actually slept with the OTHER TOM. Or worse that Jax was telling her his name was Tom. Beer goggles rule, right?!
Jax tries to convince his ex-girlfriend Carmen to give him a second? third? chance because they’ll both be at Scheana’s wedding, seated at the same table. Carmen laughs in his face. I can almost forgive her atrocious hair and the way she’s blatantly using him for camera-time because of the way she brings his hubris down.
Unfortunately while I was loving Vail Bloom last week, she is now on my ish-list and I fully intend to tell Kristen that she slept with Tom 1 and wants to marry him. Why? Because she went on a date with Peter, then decided it wasn’t a date and he had the wrong idea. Granted, Peter was channeling Tony Montoya with that creepy gaze and lascivious flirting.
Peter tried to woo her with a bottle of Malbec, but Vail was treating this as a “Black-outs are God’s way of saying, ‘Don’t worry about it!'” moment and prying SUR gossip out of him. Vail is either poising herself to become the new Stassi and is an evil genius – or she’s just an idiot. Because last week she was gushing about Jax!
When Lisa finds out about the date she teases Peter and Jax about trading each other’s sloppy seconds. Poor Peter – he really liked Vail and his awkward destroyed things. That’s it Vail – it’s on. You will face the wrath of me, pulling the puppet master strings of Kritter’s crazy. (PLEASE NOTE I AM JOKING, PEOPLE!).
Katie meets Stassi for lunch to discuss their friendship. Stassi came prepared for an apology, Katie doesn’t even order water as she tells Stassi that she’s immature, self-absorbed, and needs to “shut the f–k up” because not everything is about her. Katie tried to be honest, explaining to Stassi that she is focusing on herself, and went to Miami for Tom 2.
Stassi whines that she doesn’t want SUR people in her life and Katie betrayed her by associating with them and not telling her. Katie realized she doesn’t want to live with “hatred in her heart” like Stassi. Stassi doesn’t understand – hatred is fun! It inspires you to make amazing statement necklaces out of the Michaels Bead Department.
So Katie walks out into the sunshine, leaving Stassi at the table with approximately 5 plates of food in front of her. Revenge is served, bitch. Katie is relieved to have shed the huge weight of Stassi + Love Pounds from her life. So with twinkly lights guiding the way, like Aladdin’s magic carpet ride, it’s a whole new world.
TELL US – DID KATIE BETRAY STASSI? DO YOU THINK THIS MIAMI GIRL ACTUALLY SLEPT WTH TOM?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]