Vanderpump Rules recap

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules celebrated Pride, but it was far from the jubilant affair it usually is in light of the Orlando nightclub shooting, which happened the day before.

I’m not sure how to write this recap for a couple reasons: 1) there was a lot of the usual f-ked up SUR drama surrounding Pride and the tragic events; and 2) Tom Sandoval made his ugly cry face but it seems wrong to make fun of it because he was crying about the Orlando tragedy. Conundrum. I also feel bad swooning over how glorious Peter looked. (Cause he did).

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Things started off so normally, for SUR, at least. Lisa Vandeprump is passing out baby onesies and demanding her staff wear them, but she’s run into a problem – a plethora of so-called winter bodies. Which leaves her forced to overly rely on Ariana Madix to model what is literally – literally – a pair of panties held up with suspenders. No shirt. Is that legal under California law?

Ariana samples Pride uniforms

Ariana’s new duty was more than okay for Jax Taylor, who drooled over her ass and disgustingly reveals that if he could turn back time he’d f–k Ariana instead of Kristen Doute

Somewhere, Kristen stabbed the Ariana voodoo doll hidden in her chamomile tea box so many times that real-life Ariana lost 10 lbs of spandex and gained a sobbing, conniving Tom 1 as a lover. Well at least Ariana never f–ked Jax! God, he’s a cretin. Lisa tried to have Lala model the Pride ensemble, but she coyly revealed that she wasn’t wearing underwear and then Katie Maloney‘s head exploded.  Apparently only whores don’t wear underwear. Did we check Scheana Marie? Also, how pissy was Scheana that Lisa didn’t ask her to try on the uniform? HAHA!

Ariana and Tom are having issues, alas. Yes, finally – issues. The perfect couple facade cracked like an overly muddled ice cube. Well, for a minute at least. Tom 1 is butt-hurt because he’s like the world’s most perfect bartender – bartending is his passion! (That’s a thing that’s like in the realm of possibility? Is this Dr. Who world?), yet it is his ‘Grumpy Cat’ girlfriend who scored a deal to write a cocktail book.

Instead of supporting Ariana, Tom 1 was jealously and bitterly micromanaging. He’s so befuddled (like the too many lemon rinds crammed into the bottom of Jax’s soul) that he accidentally defends Lala Kent and claims Range Rover is giving them away for free. Oh, realllllly now? Which brings me to Scheana running interference on another Lala-centered gossip-fest.

Scheana and Katie

Ugh – can I just pull an Ariana and stop acknowledging Scheana? Would you mind? Would my professional reputation as a recapper extraordinaire evaporate? Yeah, probably, because she’s just so hideous it must be addressed. On tonight’s installment of Watch Scheana Suck, she continues to smirkily denigrate Lala for sleeping with a married man while judiciously gossiping that the wife of said married man was a friend of Lala’s and discovered their affair when she found sexts between Lala and her husband. Is Scheana just retelling stories about her own past?

But aha! We have a clue in the case of Who In The World Is Lala’s Un or Married Man? He is perhaps a football player. Of professional stature. And also he really does not like hearing about the dramas of SUR and its disenfranchised over-ego’d SURvers. Or the status on their summer bodies.

Look – Lala’s relationship sounds hella fishy. Other than the ever-changing story of where her Range Rover comes from (Do we care? I don’t care!), she won’t even so much as mention the guy’s name, but could the people accusing her of being a home wrecking, lying, whore have a little more credibility? Is it that hard? Cause c’mon – Scheana Marie of the ‘I had an affair with Brandi Glanville‘s hubs’, Jax of the ‘I’ve cheated on everyone and am a compulsive liar’, and Kristen of the ‘lies and cheats and crazies’ just really isn’t selling the atrocity of Lala. Just me?

Anyway, Tom 1 and Ariana are the anointed ones chosen to meet Lala’s man some time in the future. No other information. That sounds a little like the set-up of Survivor, no? Like show up at a random place, with no information, sacrifice your identity and all possessions, and just wait… Is Lala dating Jesus? Donald Trump? Is he that famous?

Well, at least he has the good taste to dislike Katie!

Ariana creates a couple silent bartending films to promote her book. Apparently Tom 1 believes if he drops his pants that’s gonna sell mojitos – trust me, it won’t – then he meddles in her recipes by trying to demand she call every drink something with ‘twist’ – this was after inviting himself to co-write the book. Poor Tom. The only twist was the one his panties were in.

Tom and Ariana argue

The next day, Tom and Ariana, still salty, meet Lala for lunch, and start arguing ferociously about how Tom will not get off Ariana’s professional junk. He’s jealous, cause it’s not fair! Tom wants a book deal too! Nothing Tom does ever works out! He couldn’t have a band! Or a modeling career! Or a T-shirt Line! And his statement necklace collection bombed! And he can’t even have a crazy girlfriend. Nothing good ever happens for Tom 1. Waaaaaahhh. Except for Tom 2. That good happened. But now Katie is taking him away in a tequila bottle.

Tom complains that Ariana is the sulkiest bartender who ever lived (true), whereas he is the most pleasant (aka unambitious), therefore he deserves a book deal. Um, Tom, before seeking a book deal, learn the definition of the word “supportive.” Ariana calls him a “Bitter Betty” while he rolls his eyes and pouts with his arms crossed. It’s hard being Tom 1. So hard.

Oh, Stassi Schroeder was around last night. She came into SUR while Lala was hostessing and requested to sit in Katie’s section, which is conducive to winter bodies (I don’t think “conducive” was the word she meant to use). In response, Lala didn’t take the bait, and deadpanned, “So three?” Poor Stassi – that didn’t seem to have the impact she hoped.

Stassi’s increasing lack of impact must be the reason she’s calcifying into a shell of the former amazing lack of humanity she once was, and is now a barnacle on Katie. Is it a chicken or the egg thing: Is she attaching herself to Katie because she’s irrelevant, or is she becoming irrelevant as the sloppy second to a sloppy second? Girl – once you were the sharp point of a stiletto; now you’re the Payless wedge of a drunk sorority girl. Burns like the stuff allegedly on Jax’s junk, doesn’t it?

With her Stassi hauled two friends into SUR. Over Pumptinis they brag about how amazing they supposedly are. The one who endlessly yammered about how her life revolves around renting a summer house in Montauk literally had a forehead so frozen it resembled enamel, and I was silently begging the Botched docs to burst through the doors of SUR to repair her Botox. These people are Stassi’s soulmates.

Stassi decides, since she’s amazing and the Hamptons are amazing, they were meant to be together for her annual birthday trip. So she invites herself to be their a couch surfer. Then she also invites Scheana and Katie (who are not amazing), and they are in like, ‘Winter Bodies – no prob! Let’s do Montauk. Wait… where is that? It sounds like Thai food.’

Finally, Lisa wanders over to remind Stassi they have food to-go. Like now. Ha. That’s awkward.

Even more awkward, however, was Brittany Cartwright explaining to Scheana that she couldn’t go on Stassi’s birthday trip because she’d already been invited to Ariana’s, which is being held at a NASCAR track. I think we all know that’s more Brittany’s scene – and Scheana’s. Scheana hadn’t even heard of Ariana’s birthday trip, let alone been invited, that sting took the forks right out of her napkin roll. But, reap what you sow! Lie down in a mean girl’s clothes, wake up singed by the burn book you helped create! #FetchForLife

While they’re talking about the trips Lala is not invited on, she offers to procure them a private jet for Montauk. Katie was forced to stonily mumble that she’s never been on one of those, and then bitterly accuse Lala of being a prostitute behind her back. Cause only prostitutes are invited on private jets. Did LVP know that?

Then, real tragedy struck with the senseless Orlando Massacre, which happened the day before Pride. No one was feeling celebratory after that, but Lisa was there. Sheathed in red and ready to go to battle with her Alice In Wonderland Hat and a determined attitude.

pump-rules-after-orlando

Katie can’t face work. She’s frightened and depressed because even terrorist attacks must be ALL. ABOUT. KATIE. She gets dressed and walks over to Pride to tell Lisa she can’t stay, then goes home to drink cocktails with Stassi and the Toms. Tom 1 is in shock and sobs uncontrollably about what happened. He’s extra emotional because he’s still fighting with Ariana over the cocktail book. Tom 2 consoles him with gin and cuddles. Ultimately, Tom decides to mannish up and go to SUR to show his support.

Lala also calls into work because the idea of wearing pasties and a clown hat after the incident is revolting. But also because it’s not worth risking her life when she’s not even sure if her boyfriend loves her or not.

To make herself feel better, Lala goes over to James Kennedy‘s to ‘make music’ on his Fisher-Price keyboard and We Play Cassette Tape recorder. This sure-to-be-hit will definitely have James playing Madison Square Garden!

Or not, cause they’re both in a terrible funk. James because he didn’t get invited to Ariana’s birthday party, but Jax did; and Lala because her Mystery Man dumped her cause she can’t stop complaining about how she hates Katie. Eventually they stop talking and make fart noises with the voice changer feature on the keyboard.

LVP at Pride

Meanwhile at SUR, Lisa decides to conquer everyone’s fear by riding in the Gay Pride Parade, despite concerns that there could be a follow-up incident to what happened in Orlando.

So after Peter spent the morning stress-guzzling champagne, believing not a single soul would show up to work, Brittany forced Jax to put his big boy panties on and go tend bar, and Tom 2 pried himself from the clutches of Katie (but not from his sweatpants and shower shoes) to check in on Tom 1 and Ariana at work. Ariana, overjoyed to see Tom 2, rubs a lemon rind on her buttcrack to put in his beer. That’s replaced the fist bump and cunnilingus as the official WeHo/SUR hello.

Lisa is pleased so many people came out to stand in unity and is proud of her staff. Tom 1 tearfully thanks her for being an inspiration, and Jax offers the highest compliment his mind can fathom when says Lisa has “more balls” than he does. Turning away, Lisa wipes a tear of pride from her cheek.

Pride at SUR

Pride, indeed. Because despite the tragedy, SUR is packed with revelers, eager to bond in love and unity. The iciest thing in the room is Ariana, who is still understandably frigid towards Tom 1, especially since both of them admit to feeling like their argument is petty in light of what happened. Tom finally takes her outside to the alley behind SUR – where else?! – to apologize for being a jealous, unsupportive ass.

I thought that was very “adulting” of him. Ariana graciously accepts and reminds Tom that she loves him. All is well in the land of Pumptinis and Pomeranians, especially because James isn’t spinning the beat that makes things march on.

TELL US – DID YOU FEEL BAD FOR TOM 1? SHOULD KATIE AND LALA HAVE GONE TO PRIDE? WILL WE EVER MEET LALA’S MAN?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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