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The Celebrity Apprentice Finale

Is Brandi Glanville Ok? I ask this seriously because her Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills blog pretty much makes no sense. In it Brandi accuses Lisa Vanderpump of “finally” coming clean about her allegiance with Scheana Marie (cause we’re still talking about that… <side eye>), and since she’s sooooooo very close to the Richards-Hilton fam, Brandi delivers her cobbled version of Housegate. I just want to shriek at Brandi, Kim-Style, “You stole my sanity!” 

Brandi begins by warning all of us mothers out there to closely monitor our children’s internet activity – why because they might simtumble across a photo of her nipslips? 

Then she launches into Lisa using her daughter Pandora to cover-up the shameful secret of her long and deep friendship with Scheana Marie. I warn you this makes ZERO sense. Boozing & Blogging, anyone? 

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Lisa V. finally admitted, on Twitter no less, that she did know Scheana, but as her daughter Pandora’s friend, for three years before I met Lisa,” Brandi crows. “That’s her only daughter living at home and socializing with her good friend Scheana. Hanging out, swimming, eating, whatever, and talking about ‘boyfriends’ (Scheana’s happened to be my then-husband). Finally, the truth!”

First of all Scheana dated Eddie EIGHT – yes, (8) years ago. So ummm… yeah, do the math, Brandi clearly can’t Chardonnay-ing & Calculating, anyone? 

“Then Lisa V. tweeted again, clarifying that she had been Scheana’s ‘friend’ for five years [I think Lisa meant PANDORA had been Scheana’s friend],” Brandi accuses. “How many times have I heard personally and you’ve heard Lisa V. say ‘she’s just an employee’ and ‘she’s not my friend’ and ‘I dooon’t knooow her.’ Thanks for finally admitting that a year later…on Twitter. I found it all out a year ago as I’ve said numerous times, and you wonder why our friendship went south so fast.” 

“So, there we have it, finally, the revelation,” Brandi gloats. “Years too late. I can promise we’ll wait around forever for THOSE multiple admissions and apologies. Different people. Different rules. Is it just me, or does anyone else see the hypocrisy here?”

Now, I may have a semi-loose grasp on reality, courtesy of many years watching Real Housewives, but to my recollection Lisa’s story regarding Scheana has always stayed the same: Scheana has been a friend of Pandora’s for many years (didn’t they meet when Pandora was working at Villa Blanca after college?), and she has been a waitress at Lisa’s restaurants for years, like going-on 5-years. So obviously Lisa saying she “knew” Scheana is accurate. And Pandora, Lisa’s adult daughter, being friends with Scheana does not equate to Lisa being friends with Scheana. And unless Lisa had her ear pressed up against Pandora’s door to eavesdrop on girl talk, how would she be privy? Seriously – Pandora is like 28, Scheana is 29! Brandi is like 44 going on 14. Pinot-ing & Problem-solving, anyone? 

Brandi then lambastes Lisa for playing “human chess” and “word games” and predicts we’ll get more “spin” on this never-ending saga of lies. “Honestly, I just don’t care anymore,” Brandi insists. Then why are you STILL bringing it up?!  

A RECAP OF THIS WEEK’S EPISODE OF RHOBH!

Brandi also reminds us that SHE very charitably apologized to Lisa for slapping her, but she can’t expect an apology in return. Again, hasn’t Lisa already apologized for the Scheana stuff? “You saw the awkward moment of my apologizing to Lisa V. for the umpteenth time, which was not fun for me and probably annoying for you,” Brandi complains. “Apologies between Lisa V. and I seem to be forever ongoing and super one-sided.” They are forever ongoing just like Brandi’s forever ongoing annoying behavior. 

Now onto Brandi’s date who received her ultimate praise: he has a nice c-ck! “I skipped the last dinner party. What a welcome reprieve. Hello, I was single after all. I had a great time. Lovely man. Lovely dates. Lovely city. Lovely nights…” Brandi reminisces. “Oh, and shame on Lisa V.’s comment trying to shame me for dating a younger man. She married a much older man herself and her best friend’s fiancé is 30 years younger than he is. Live and let live!” Drinking & Dutch Dating! 

Brandi shared on twitter her curent boyfriend wasn’t so impressed by her on-screen date. 

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She also complains that all the other ladies are allowed to talk about sex over dinner, but she’s never allowed to speak her mind. Le sigh – it’s because Brandi doesn’t speak her mind; she says totally inappropriate things to garner a reaction, and her “truths” are largely personal attacks intended to hurt with often have very little basis in truth. There are some of those below. 

“I’m glad the ladies and more so Yo had a good dinner party discussing Bananas Foster, or was it bananas in azzes? I probably would have added my own little sex joke and ruined the proper ‘ladies’ evening,” Brandi writes. “Yeah, I’m being a smartass. Lighten up!”

Brandi shares that the spa day back in LA was Yolanda trying to cheer her up after she had been dealing with her dad’s health. “I had spoken to Yolanda but was missing her face, so Yolanda offered to organize a spa day, and after I told her the news of my father (whom she is close with), we began discussing the trip, and the stress was too much for me, but it was SO nice to hear Yo say in retrospect, “’The first night was crazy.’ Thank you.” 

Brandi continues, “At least some of us aren’t erasing what they experienced that first night and really did happen. But then, it was Yolanda who had to run down the dinner table and grab Rinna’s arm to restrain her. Oh well. Spilled milk, throat grabbing, broken glass…all water under the bridge of a Dutch canal. Haha.” 

Finally, Brandi weighs-in on Kim vs. Kyle. Which began during Lipsa’s dinner with Kyle. “Lisa R.’s topic du jour was, and continues to be, Kim. Specifically, Lisa R’s fixation with the idea that Kim isn’t sober. Good thing she said she had ‘dropped it’ and never talks behind Kim’s back.” Didn’t Kyle bring it up?

Will this ever end?” wonders Brandi. “Not only on RHOBH but on Twitter and in the media. Lisa R. saw Kim on one pain pill months ago. DROP IT.” Yeah, those hypocrites!!!! I mean, sometimes a girl likes to get loaded and threaten people in a limo, so what?! 

“So, there they are pretending to eat, so they can gossip about Kim and I behind our backs. Kyle heard Lisa R. use the word intervention and visibly salivates and is just chomping at the bit about running to Kim with this hurtful gossip,” says Brandi. “Only stop, rewind. Bravo replayed our conversation, and it was Lisa R. who brought up the word “intervention,” NOT ME. I quipped back, ‘Maybe you could do an intervention with (for) all of us.’ Not quite the same thing.” Scotch & Semantics, anyone?

“Oh, and remember a few episodes ago, also behind Kim’s back, Lisa R. tried to convince a driving Lisa V. to join her in an intervention for Kim?” Brandi writes. “What was Lisa V.’s response? ‘We can’t, because we don’t know. It’s not our business.'” So, again – why was BRANDI talking to Lipsa about it in the first place???? She is the one who brought it up to Lipsa to distract from Lipsa asking about BRANDI’s drinkin after Brandi threw wine in Eileen’s face and was a drunk buffoon at Yo’s dinner party. Merlot & Memories, anyone? 

Kyle muses on the night of the glass throwing, ‘I feel bad that Kim was talking to Lisa R. like that’ and ‘I feel bad that Kim was screaming at me,'” Brandi says. “Kyle also puts this on the record about me, ‘If she’s so concerned about Kim, but she won’t come to me?’ File this under bad acting and lie no. 126 from Kyle Richards. Make a chart, you’ll need it later.” We did hear the reunion was pretty crazy… Vodka & Victimhood, anyone? 

But yeah, Kyle too is fake as hell and loves to play the victim. She and Brandi are literally two vaucuous attention-seekers who probably hate each other for that very reason, although Kyle is way better at social graces. 

Finally, Brandi knows all about Kim and Kyle’s mom’s house since she’s an honorary Richards sister an all. “Kyle has decided the best possible place to talk to her sister is in the enormous multi-million dollar house she just bought from selling her and Kim’s shares of their deceased mother’s house…This always confuses me.”

“If Kim was not of the mind to enter into business at the time, it looks like Kyle took advantage of her. If she was, it looks like a fast one was pulled,” Brandi decides. “Clearly Kim is still unhappy about whatever transpired, and Kyle is hiding something. Wasn’t this the family house that Kim worked and paid for as a child star?” Hmmm… making accusations like this is pretty ummm… well, I dunno – besmirching to Mauricio’s business? Am I wrong? 

Well, someone has been reading House of Hilton. Or Kim has been giving Bandi her drunk-memory addled truths. I do think Kim told Brandi some personal things about herself and Kyle (true or not, who knows) which Kyle is worried about being exposed. Not only because Kyle loves to keep up appearances, but also because Brandi has a history of embellishing things and using personal information as a dagger. I am most certain the Maurico cheating accusation came from Kim to Brandi, who then viciously doled it out at a party to hurt Kyle. 

Kyle really doesn’t get why Kim is upset with her? OK. Well, Kyle, it could be because you’re a lying, empathy-lacking, narcissist who only cares about the appearance of looking wealthy and having famous friends, while throwing your sister under a fleet of buses,” Brandi posits. “It could be that. But, what do I know?” 

“Anyway, ask Kim, not me, but don’t ask Kyle, unless you’re a gossip site or magazine,” Brandi states. “Kyle’s been giving tons of interviews about her sister lately, even though they haven’t talked in many months. But file that under keeping Kim’s private life private. Right, Kyle?” 

Well, that was all… that was something. 

TELL US – DO YOU THINK OF BRANDI’S DESCRIPTIONS?

Edited to add: A new clip of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion just debuted – check it out! 

 

[Photo Credit: Joel Ginsburg/WENN.com]

 

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